u/WasteSherbert2888

So to preface I quit maybe the best job I ever had after being pressured for years when my wife gave me an ultimatum. I worked nights and long shifts, it was hard but I made good money. In the wake of potential separation I told her I was trans. Two days of unemployment and she said she didn’t want to continue therapy and we are now divorcing. It’s for the best as she wasn’t good to me

Now I have had a lot of trouble finding a new job and place. It’s been months. I’m getting down, considering moving away (but there are little kids), considering living in car etc

So funny story is I ran into the guy who interviewed me for a job I obviously was good for. He asks how the job hunt is going and im honest. He tells me they didn’t hire anyone and weren’t sure they needed the role at the moment I told him hey I just need work so even if you have other jobs let me know.

He then says he must ask something personal and notices im different (he has been an acquaintance for years/knows my ex) and im like yeah im transitioning and taking hormones etc. he begins to talk about his concerns with that as an employee, like he was afraid id cause a scene if I were misgendered, that people in our small town might not be as accepting. Basically tiptoeing around this fear of a trans woman representing the business and what kind of trouble I’d potentially cause.

I gave him my side how yeah I’m not passing, and pronouns aren’t hard and if someone’s misgendered out of habit you can just fix it and show them you respect them etc. I don’t go around intentionally disrespecting him or others.

I just knew he was going to say something dumb. I was pretty shocked he couldn’t just shut his mouth after greeting me. Anyways I may switch to boy mode for the rest of this job and apartment search because it has obviously hurt my chances each step of the way

TLDR long rant about the last 3 months of my life.
My partner and I of 16 years are divorcing but I’m stuck in the same house. It’s so painful, not turbulent or anything. I am just losing hope and have no support. And am super trapped in this hell

So to start

We Tried therapy and found one that pushed a lot for actual accountability and change and when things got pointed towards them ( therapist gave her diagnoses, I have issues too but was there to face it all )they decided to end the therapy and a few months later she said it was over. A few weeks later said we should return to therapy and after one session gave ultimatum like therapy/quit my job because odd hours and that I could never bring up certain things like I believe I was coerced into having children (have realized this was some sort of emotional manipulation or abuse and no loving spouse would deny something therapy is for). Well a week after my last day of work they said they didn’t want to go back to therapy. This signaled the end and I moved into a seperate room in their family’s multi gen house.

So I know this relationship sucked the life out of me and I’m such a sucker for putting my exspouse before myself for so long I was just an empty cup with nothing left for anyone. I know I’ll be better off without them, they never really valued or respected me and I was walking on eggshells since the beginning. I worked the whole time, they had compulsive shopping problems, were an absolute slob hoarder, I wasn’t allowed any autonomy or to change or develop. I never really got to be myself with them so of course I couldnt love them in any genuine way. The things we do for kids I guess. I probably would have done it till my heart gave out

So thank god it’s over, I can finally be free of that stifling toxic thing and maybe e with someone who actually likes me for me. I love me so I got that

But I feel so stuck! I am stuck and it’s so hard because I actually can’t move on and out while their life goes on and I have to see it

Because

I live in a hcol place, have no family or support for 2000 miles, and can’t leave because of children. I don’t want to have a strained relationship with them and fear if I leave I’ll never come back.

So now I lost the best job I ever had, my car is broken (bought another and last 2 days and I’m going to junk it and throw the money away), racked up debt just trying to feed kids we have and am trapped in this prison where we share our home. I’m taking shit jobs at 47 just to save for a car, so I can get a better job further away. And then maybe I could afford a place.

I’m considering living on the streets or in a car. My health is eroding everyday. I have a therapist and she is super helpful but the circumstances are so bleak.

I know there isn’t much to do but keep trodding forward until this is over but it’s hard to not want to kms. I won’t because I love my family but what torture it is now

This year has been brutally hard for me. I’m not sure how yall are so strong. Coming out was amazing and necessary, and felt like it saved me. Political climate actually fucked with me so bad I cracked ? The fear mongering had the opposite effect on me.

But then the repercussions. Lost my partner and family, lost my car, lost my job, will lose insurance soon and soon my home. Realizing I’m probably audhd too and getting things done is near impossible. can’t even get on hrt because of health issues. I quit all drugs and vices because I suddenly cared about myself and no longer needed to numb myself into oblivion. I know I was worse off before but now I’m about to be homeless and I’m losing what hope I had. I have a great therapist btw but I just haven’t been able to get back on my feet. At least I don’t really care about how I look which I know lots struggle with, I’m just happy to know who I am and I think some people recognize and validate it .

The only thing positive that happened lately is my nephew confided in me and came out to me of all people. Like what an honor. I get to be the safe aunty for him that I never had as a kid and now I feel a great responsibility to be a good role model for him.

Anyways I don’t know what I’m doing this for I just wanted to scream into the void. I really love this community and know lot of us got it like that

So tonight at work my boss called me a pretty girl in the context of “us pretty girls.” I know I’m not … but that’s not really the point. It feels so amazing to just be included and seen for once. She asked me my pronouns unprompted too. I’m bawling. some people are angels. The job is pretty much the worst but I love the people

I need to work on taking compliments too.

So I have been procrastinating for years seeing a doctor for HRT and got an appointment booked at the end of the month. Is there anything I can do to be prepared for the visit? Should I get some sort of blood work done in advance? Anything I should know or do??? Thanks!