Christianity claims to be something greater than naturalism, than materialism. But then its preordained path for you is to just work, collect resources, breed, and do rituals. For the rest of your life. That's animalistic!

I remember being lectured by my dad to marry a girl at 18 just because it's when she's most fertile, or whatever.

With Christianity, beyond the Problem of Evil, historical-critical concerns, etc, I also had this angst that my life had already been determined. It was defeatist to me. I felt old, even though I was young. It's only now, when life feels undetermined, that I feel young.

Yes, Christianity has made its contributions to humanism. At least in the western world. To an extent. But it's not humanism itself and it never will be as long as it neglects some people for others. In this case girls being neglected for boys or gay people being neglected for straights. When I was Catholic, I was slowly coming to terms with my own bisexuality and then I realised I wasn't even allowed the determined family life. In good conscience, the next step for myself was to live like a hermit or celibate. As an only child, what am I going to have left when I'm old? The cat?

I'm tired of people dooming on the internet about rampant materialism and reaching the conclusion, "we need Jesus!" So much of Christianity thrives on its own form of materialism by telling you to work and breed, or as an alternative, be the pious fool. Christianity's message in this regard is no more optimistic than a very Nihilistic biology researcher on a smoke break. God's plan is bleak and chemical, based on the callings or vocations available to Christians.

I feel like I'm in this grey area where I go "pah" at the thought of worshipping deities, carrying talismans, having prayers beads, believing a 5,000 year old text was written by a mythical figure, etc. But at the same time, after reading popular science books too, too, much, you eventually come to the point where what we understand about reality comes to an end and philosophy has to take over; things begin to look like a black box.

Religious people say, "believe in the religion you think is right?" Then, why not make a religion about physics in itself? But the distinction between philosophy or a religion feels like its on a knife's edge when you try. And there's only so much physics can explain before you meet that exact same dead end.

There's a famous koan from a long dead Buddhist master that's relevant here: "10,000 things return to the One. Where does the One return?" According to the Seon meditative tradition of Korea, you're meant to sit with this in utter doubt until you break and that way you can see your true nature. Now I'm thinking every religion was invented to avoid that break from happening. If you think about it, creators of each system imaginable can go back to infinity. We used to pray to the creator of an earth, then the stars, then a galaxy, the universe. Now we think there may be a multiverse of multiplying realities and we have no idea whose idea that was and whose idea it was to make the one who had that idea. Like Russian dolls.

I was originally a science kid. Then my dad started to go evangelical and, even though he still maintained my interests (with some exceptions; some of my notes he used to destroy and he thought COVID was a punishment from God), I became more deistic just as he did, as all children who follow their parents' attitudes. Maybe the whole reason I crave certainty is the way I've been brought up. Hitherto I didn't have that same draw for there being a spiritual explanation.

I'm feeling very deep. My GP came back to me to say that I'm Vitamin D deficient again and that always puts me in a funk when it happens. Plus I'm listening to meditative Chinese music. After Christianity, I've stopped viewing other cultures as barbaric and now I'm on an ongoing Social Studies project.

Q|Encylopaedia Britannica

Q, in the study of biblical literature, a hypothetical Greek-language proto-Gospel that might have been in circulation in written form about the time of the composition of the Synoptic Gospels—Mark, Matthew, and Luke—approximately between 65 and ad 95. The name Q, coined by the German theologian and biblical scholar Johannes Weiss, is a reference to the German word Quelle (“source”).

Most biblical scholars agree that the authors of Matthew and Luke based their written accounts largely on The Gospel According to Mark. Matthew and Luke, however, both share a good deal of material—largely made up of logia (Greek: “sayings”) attributed to Jesus—that is absent from Mark. This led biblical scholars to hypothesize the existence of an undetermined source from which the shared material was drawn: Q, sometimes called the “lost source.” While no actual source document has been found and some scholars doubt that Q ever existed, others have attempted to reconstruct it through intensive textual analysis.

The Fifty Pericopes of the “Gospel of Q” based on Luke (RSV)

Prepared by Dr. James D. Tabor

3:7-9, 16b-17 [John the Baptist] said to the multitudes that came out to be baptized by him, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruits that befit repentance, and do not begin to say to yourselves, we have Abraham as our father’; for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham. Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees; every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. I baptize you with water; but he who is mightier than I is coming, the thong of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie; he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, to clear his threshing floor, and to gather the wheat into his granary, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire.”

3:10-14 And the multitudes asked him, “What then shall we do?” And he answered them, “He who has two coats, let him share with him who has none; and he who has food, let him do likewise.” Tax collectors also came to be baptized, and said to him, “Teacher, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Collect no more than is appointed you.” Soldiers also asked him, “And we, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Rob no one by violence or by false accusation, and be content with your wages.”

4:2b-12 He ate nothing in those days; and when they were ended, he was hungry. The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread.” Jesus answered him, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone.” The devil took him up, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time, and said to him, “To you I will give all this authority and their glory; for it has been delivered to me, and I give it to whom I will, if you, then, will worship me, it shall all be yours.” And Jesus answered him, ‘It is written, ‘you shall worship the Lord your God, and him only shall you serve.’” He took him to Jerusalem and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him ‘If you are the Son of God throw yourself down from here; for it is written, ‘He will give his angels charge of you, to guard you, and on their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.’ ” Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘you shall not tempt the Lord your God.”

6:20-23 Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you that hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you that weep now, for you shall laugh. Blessed are you when men hate you, and when they exclude you and revile you, and cast out your name as evil, on account of the Son of man! Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets.

6: 25-26 But woe to you that are rich, for you have received your consolation. “Woe to you that are full now, for you shall hunger. “Woe to you that laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep. “Woe to you, when all men speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets.

6:27-37 But I say to you that hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To him who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from him who takes away your cloak do not withhold your coat as well. Give to every one who begs from you; and of him who takes away your goods do not ask them again. As you wish that men would do to you, do so to them. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the selfish. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

6:37-42 Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven; and give and it will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For the measure you give will be the measure you get back.” Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above his teacher, but every one when he is fully taught will be like his teacher. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye.

6:43-45 For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit; for each tree is known by its own fruit, For figs are not gathered from thorns, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good man out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil man out of his evil treasure produces evil; for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

6:47-49 Every one who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep, and built the foundation upon rock; and when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house, and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But he who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation, against which the stream broke, and immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.

7:2-3, 6-10 A centurion had a slave who was dear to him who was sick and at the point of death. When he heard of Jesus he sent to him elders of the Jews, asking him to come and heal his slave. Jesus went with them. When he was not far from the house, the centurion sent friends to him, saying to him, Lord do not trouble yourself, for I am not worthy to have you come under my roof; therefore I did not presume to come to you. But say the word, and let my servant be healed. For I am a man set under authority, with soldiers under me: and I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and to another, ‘come,’ and he comes; and to my slave, ‘Do this,’ and he does it,” when Jesus heard this he marveled at him, and turned and said to the multitude that followed him, ‘I tell you, not even in Israel have I found such faith.” When those who had been sent returned to the house, they found the slave well.

7:18-23 The disciples of John told him all these things. John calling to him two of his disciples, sent them to the Lord, saying, ‘Are you he who is to come, or shall we look for another?” When the men had come to him, they said, John the Baptist has sent us to you, saying, Are you he who is to come or shall we look for another?’ In that hour he cured many of diseases and plagues and evil spirits, and on many that were blind he bestowed sight. He answered them, “Go and tell John what you have seen and heard; the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, and the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, the poor have good news preached to them, and blessed is he who takes no offense at me.”

7:24-35 When the messengers of John had gone, he began to speak to the crowds concerning John: What did you go out into the wilderness to behold? A reed shaken by the wind? What then did you go out to see? A man clothed in soft raiment? Behold, those who are gorgeously appareled and live in luxury are in kings’ courts. What then did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. This is he of whom it is written, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, who shall prepare thy way before thee. I tell you, among those born of women none is greater than John; yet he who is least in the kingdom of God is greater than he. To what shall I compare the men of this generation, and what are they like? They are like children sitting in the market place and calling to one another, We piped to you, and you did not dance; we wailed, and you did not weep. John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine; and you say, He has a demon.’ The Son of man has come eating and drinking; and you say, Behold, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’ Wisdom is justified by all her children.”

9:57-62 As they were going along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” But he said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

10:2-12 He said to them, The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; pray therefore the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. Go your way; behold, I send you out as lambs in the midst of wolves. Carry no purse, no bag, no sandals; salute no one on the road. Whatever house you enter, first say, ‘Peace be to this house!’ And if a son of peace is there, your peace shall rest upon him; but if not, it shall return to you. Remain in the same house, eating and drinking what they provide, for the laborer deserves his wages. Do not go from house to house. Whenever you enter a town and they receive you, eat what is set before you; heal the sick in it and say to them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you. Whenever you enter a town and they do not receive you, go into its streets and say: ‘Even the dust of your town that clings to our feet, we wipe off against you; nevertheless know this, that the kingdom of God has come near.’ I tell you, it shall be more tolerable on that day for Sodom than for that town.

10:13-15 Woe to you, Chorazin! woe to you, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes. But it shall be more tolerable in the judgment for Tyre and Sidon than for you. And you, Capernaum, will you be exalted to heaven? You shall be brought down to Hades.

10:16 He who hears you hears me, and he who rejects you rejects me, and he who rejects me rejects him who sent me.

10:21-22 He rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said, ‘I thank thee, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to babes; yea, Father, for such was thy gracious will. All things have been delivered to me by my Father; and no one knows who the Son is except the Father, or who the Father is except the Son and any one to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.’

10:23-24 Blessed are the eyes which see what you see! For I tell you that many prophets and kings desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.

11:2-4 When you pray, say, ‘Father, hallowed be thy name, Thy kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread; and forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive every one who is indebted to us; and lead us not into temptation.’

11:9-13 Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. Everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!

11:14-21 Now he was casting out a demon that was dumb; when the demon had gone out, the dumb man spoke, and the people marveled. But some of them said, “He casts out demons by Beelzebub, the prince of demons”; while others, to test him, sought from him a sign from heaven. But he, knowing their thoughts, said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and a divided household falls. And if Satan also is divided against himself, how will his kingdom stand? For you say that I cast out demons by Beelzebub. And if I cast out demons by Beelzebub, by whom do your sons cast them out? Therefore they shall be your judges. But if it is by the finger of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you. When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own palace, his goods are in peace;

11:24-26 When the unclean spirit has gone out of a man, he passes through waterless places seeking rest; and finding none he says, I will return to my house from which I came.’ When he comes he finds it swept and put in order. Then he goes and brings seven spirits more evil than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first.
11:29b-32 This generation is an evil generation; it seeks a sign, but no sign shall be given to it except the sign of Jonah. As Jonah became a sign to the men of Nineveh, so will the Son of man be to this generation. The queen of the South will arise at the judgment with the men of this generation and condemn them; for she came from the ends of the earth to hear the wisdom of Solomon, and behold, something greater than Solomon is here. The men of Nineveh will arise at the judgment with this generation and condemn it; for they repented at the preaching of Jonah, and behold, something greater than Jonah is here.

11:33-36 No one after lighting a lamp puts it in a cellar or under a bush, but on a stand, that those who enter may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body; when your eye is sound, your whole body is full of light; but when it is not sound, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light.

11:39-40, 42-43 You Pharisees cleanse the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of extortion and wickedness. to You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also? Woe to you Pharisees! for you tithe mint and rue and every herb, and neglect justice and the love of God; these you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. Woe to you Pharisees! for you love the best seat in the synagogues and salutations in the Market places.

11:46-52 Woe to you lawyers also! for you load men with burdens hard to bear, and you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers. Woe to you for you build the tombs of the prophets whom your fathers killed. So you are witnesses and consent to the deeds of your fathers; they killed them, and you build their tombs. The Wisdom of God said, “I will send them prophets and apostles, some of whom they will kill and persecute,’ that the blood of all the prophets, shed from the foundation of the world may be required of this generation, from the blood of Abel to the blood of Zechariah, who perished between the altar and the sanctuary. Yes, I tell you, it shall be required of this generation. Woe to you lawyers! for you have taken away the key of knowledge; you did not enter yourselves and you hindered those who were entering.

12:2-3 Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.

12:4-5 I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has power to cast into hell; yes, I tell you fear him!

12:6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.

12:8-10 I tell you, every one who acknowledges me before men, the Son of man also will acknowledge before the angels of God; but he who denies me before men will be denied before the angels of God. Every one who speaks a word against the Son of man will be forgiven; but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.

12:11-12 When they bring you before the synagogues and the rulers and the authorities, do not be anxious how or what you are to answer or what you are to say; for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.

12:22-31 Do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat nor about your body, what you shall put on. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens, they neither sow nor reap. they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! Which of you by being anxious can add a cubit to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass which is alive in the field today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O men of little faith! Do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be of anxious mind. For all the nations of the world seek these things; and your Father knows that you need them. Instead seek his kingdom, and these things shall be yours as well.

12:33-34 Sell your possessions, and give alms; provide your selves with purses that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

12:39-40 If the householder had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would have been awake and would not have let his house to be broken into, you also must be ready; for the Son of man is coming at an hour you do not expect.

12:42-46 The Lord said, ‘Who then is the faithful and wise steward, whom his master will set over his household, to give them their portion of food at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master when he comes will find so doing. Truly I tell you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed in coming,’ and begins to beat the menservants and the maidservants, and to eat and drink and get drunk, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know, and will punish him, and put him with the unfaithful.

12:51-53 Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division; for henceforth in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three; they will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against her mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.

12:57-59 Why do you not judge for yourselves what is right? As you go with your accuser before the magistrate, make an effort to settle with him on the way, lest he drag you to the judge, and the judge hand you over to the officer, and the officer put you in prison. I tell you, you will never get out till you have paid the very last copper.

13:20-21 He said, “To what shall I compare the kingdom of God? It is like leaven which a woman took and hid in three measures of meal, till it was all leavened.”

13:24 Strive to enter by the narrow door; for many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able.

13:25-29 When once the householder has risen up and shut the door, you will begin to stand outside and to knock at the door, saying, ‘Lord, open to us.’ He will answer you, ‘I do not know where you come from,’ Then you will begin to say, we ate and drank in your presence, and you taught in our streets.’ But he will say, ‘I tell you, I do not know where you come from; depart from me, all you workers of iniquity!’ You will weep and gnash your teeth, when you see Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God and you yourselves thrust out. Men will come from east and west, and from north and south, and sit at table in the kingdom of God.

13:34-35 O Jerusalem, Jerusalem! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not! Behold, your house is forsaken. I tell you, you will not see me until you say, Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!”

14:16-23 A man once gave a great banquet, and invited many and at the time of the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, ‘Come for all is now ready.’ But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, ‘I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it; I pray you, have me excused.’ And another said, ‘I have bought a yoke of oxen, I pray you, have me excused,’ And another said, ‘I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.’ So the servant came and reported this to his master. Then the householder in anger said to his servant, Go out quickly to the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in the poor and maimed and blind and lame,’ And the servant said, ‘Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room. The master said to the servant, ‘Go out to the highways and hedges, and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled.

14:26-27 If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me, cannot be my disciple.

14:34-35 Salt is good; but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is fit neither for the land nor for the dunghill; men throw it away. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

15:4-10 What man among you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. When he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance. Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? And when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin which I had lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

16:13 No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.

16:16 The law and the prophets were until John; since then the good news of the kingdom of God is preached, and every one enters it violently.

16:17 It is easier for heaven and earth to pass away, than for one dot of the law to become void.

17:1 Temptations to sin are sure to come; but woe to him by whom they come!

17:3-4 If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.

17:5-6 The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” The Lord said, “If you had faith as a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be rooted up, and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.”

17:23-37 And they will say to you, ‘Lo, there!’ or ‘Lo, here!’ Do not go, do not follow them. For as the lightning flashes and lights up the sky from one side to the other, so will the Son of man be in his day. But first he must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation. As it was in the days of Noah, so will it be in the days of the Son of man. They ate, they drank, they married, they were given in marriage, until the day when Noah entered the ark, and the flood came and destroyed them all. Likewise as it was in the days of Lot – they ate, they drank, they bought, they sold, they planted, they built, but on the day when Lot went out from Sodom fire and sulfur rained from heaven and destroyed them all – so will it be on the day when the Son of man is revealed. On that day, let him who is on the housetop, with his goods in the house, not come down to take them away; and likewise let him who is in the field not turn back. Remember Lot’s wife. Whoever seeks to gain his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it. I tell you, in that night there will be two in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. There will be two women grinding together; one will be taken and the other left.” And they said to him, “Where, Lord?” He said to them, “Where the body is, there the eagles will be gathered together.”

19:12-13, 15-26 He said to them, “A nobleman went into a far country to receive kingly power and then return. Calling ten of his servants, he gave them ten pounds, and said to them, ‘Trade with these till I come.’ When he returned, having received the kingly power, he commanded these servants to whom he had given the money, to be called to him, that he might know what they had gained by trading. The first came before him saying ‘Lord, your pound has made ten pounds more.’ And he said to him, ‘Well done, good servant! Because you have been faithful in a very little, you shall have authority over ten cities.’ The second came, saying, ‘Lord, your pound has made five pounds,’ He said to him; ‘And you are to be over five cities.’ Then another came, saying, ‘Lord here is your pound, which I kept laid away in a napkin; for I was afraid of you, because you are a severe man; you take up what you did not lay down, and reap what you did not sow.’ He said to him, ‘I will condemn you out of your own mouth, you wicked servant! You knew that I was a severe man, taking up what I did not lay down and reaping what I did not sow? Why then did you not put my money into the bank, and at my coming I should have collected it with interest?’ He said to those who stood by, ‘Take the pound from him, and give it to him who has ten pounds.’ They said to him, ‘Lord, he has ten pounds!’ I tell you, that to every one who has more will be given; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away.

22:28-30 You are those who have continued with me in my trials; as my Father appointed a kingdom for me, so do I appoint for you that you may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom, and sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

"Why does this church have a gift shop? Wasn't Jesus against that kind of thing?"

I mean, yeah. Churches, at least in Roman Catholicism, Eastern Orthodoxy, Anglicanism, and other mainline denominations, are essentially meant to be the equivalent of the new temple formed by Jesus. Why sell things there, then? Jesus was decrying commerce in a very holy part of the temple, but in plenty of churches, the gift shop is in the very place of worship rather than being outside. Of course a church needs money to stay afloat, but the earliest Christians were ascetics and the earliest clergy were expected to wander from place to place, living off the picky bits people gave to them.

"If God is so good, why do bad things happen?"

• OK, so evil is just the absence of good. Right... But why is good only distinguishable by its opposite; if God made everything as it is, why couldn't he have made good in a way that it can't ever be absent?
• OK, so evil is to do for free will. Why couldn't God have made it so free will can exist in a world with just good if he made all things?
• OK, so evil is to do with morally strengthening us. Dunno why a baby with terminal cancer needs moral strengthening, but oh well.
• OK, so evil exists so God can triumph over it in the end to glorify himself. Sick bastard. That's why Gnosticism was invented! - Jesus...

For the first two, a Thomist will tell you: "it's just illogical, of course good can't exist by itself. It's illogical to imagine good for humanity without free will." But then that means forms such as good or free will exist outside of what God has created; the former could be explained (maybe, it's a stretch) with God being good already, perhaps without creating it, but that would mean free will exists as a form outside of God entirely. Does God exist independently of good and free will, then? Is he working with what was given to him, meaning he's not omnipotent or didn't create all things? Theologians have wrestled with this thing for centuries but it's very obvious that the Problem of Evil hasn't quite been solved yet.

Well I have solved it. but it involves the heresy of Audianism and essentially makes humanity's creation by Jesus necessary as part of his existence by contingency, which effectively means Jesus wouldn't have the choice to create humanity which is... Weird. It does mean though that it wasn't his choice to make humanity suffer because he's contingent on it to exist himself as a human without incarnation. In any case, Audianism was part of a Pre-Nicene Syrian Christian tradition that's been dead for 1,500 years.

"If the Bible is true, why does Genesis go against science?"

Perhaps it's allegorical. Philo seems to have leaned that way. Also an Alexandrian, Origen also believed so. And Augustine was willing to give a little leeway when it came to the length of the days. But for mainstream Christians, for most of their history up to the Enlightenment period, Genesis was real history. Adam, Eve, Seth and friends were all real people and, even in modern times, the Roman Catholic church will not shift from Adam and Eve being real historical figures; there are various pseudoscientific theories for fitting Adam and Eve into the evolution of man. Why has Christianity decided to shift gears when a part of the big book seems to not have been as correct as once believed? Yes, there have been Christian scientists. But that just goes to show Christian scientists are compatible with science, not that the Christian book is compatible with science.

"The Old Testament has a lot of bad bits in."

Yeah... Christians will say this was God trying to curb the bad behaviour of the Israelites but, at several verses, it seems God is behaving worse! And, why couldn't he find a more efficient way of intervention for his chosen people? With the Old Testament now seeming to be more myth than fact, I guess some of the violent sections can be interpreted purely theologically: I guess... I don't know where the theological message is in the part where God tells a priest to conduct a water-dust abortion to figure out if she's committed adultery or not, but - again - oh well. This is sort of like English teacher exegesis where you're forced to read a lot more into what is actually there.

"Paul is dodgy."

OK so most scholars believe that Paul did not take over Christianity. Some doctrines, like the divinity of Jesus, even the hymn to Jesus in Philippians, predate Paul in Christianity. Paul is not responsible for introducing a hierarchy to the church. Paul also perhaps didn't intend to create antinomianism, but was working with early pre-Talmudic Noahidic categories. However, Paul's deterministic soteriology, comparable to that in texts from Qumran, contrasts with the non-Pauline New Testament texts. Paul may have also been running with a pre-Talmudic Merkabah or Hekhalot tradition for much of his theology, which he would've believed had given him legitimacy (to himself, mind you) as a mystic upon receiving his vision.

I've noticed, after trying TV static apps for a bit, is that I have a brief moment where my visual POV looks more "real" than usual.

I've come to the conclusion that, since my VSS intensified about four years ago now, I've had this strange feeling that my vision isn't my own or that I'm not actually seeing. Like my eyes are closed but I can still see the image of my field of vision. It's very difficult to describe so I've come up with the term "phantom blindness" to describe the feeling that what you're seeing isn't your full sight, when it actually is. Almost like what you're seeing is not with your eyes but actually a camera. You feel like you're not seeing, but you are.

Does anyone have the same thing?

I must admit, I have been reading material from religious people online, particularly from my guilty pleasure, TikTok, which I've had to put an hour's limit on.

I've noticed there's a very common conversion or reassurance experience where a cynical individual suddenly becomes Christian or makes a fortunate life decision after seeing Jesus, Mary, Joseph and friends in a dream. This echoes real life conversations where people talk about visions and what not.

I've never had a religious dream. My dreams can be quite vivid but they have never been religious. I've dreamt of churches, my brain anxiously reinterpreting my memories of getting Chinese burns, finger pulls, or having my heels trodden on by other English choirboys, but nothing supernatural at all. Each dream is set on earth in a vaguely British or Mediterranean setting because that's what I know.

I was mildly jealous for not having a religious dream when I was religious but now I wonder if the lack of a religious dream says something about myself or other people who deconstruct. Maybe the selves or archetypes we have clash against the religions the ego puts us through.

What I also wonder is that if one of my issues with Christianity is there's a division between the divines, those God have revealed things to and are instructed to preach in authority, and the hylic ones like myself who run off of guilt or emotion and won't contribute much except tithes for the ones on top. It's probably why my deconstruction has been so focused towards trying to find issues in the authority of Paul, Church Patristics (not often criticised but should be more often) and modern denominations of all types: I'm tired of the inequality of the earth, run by middle aged men; why should I have an unequal religion, formulated, politicked and argued over by middle aged men?