u/Zealousideal_Ring880

Reposting a shorter version because I realise I wrote way too much in my last post:-

We had plans for the weekend, but things escalated after he became angry about how long I was in the bathroom. He interrogated me about what I was doing, called me names including “dumb bitch,” “spastic,” “stupid idiot” and “dumb slut,” and followed me/kept moving toward me while I was backing away because I felt unsafe. Other people noticed what was happening, and one woman even filmed part of it after hearing me say I didn’t feel safe.
Later that night, after we went home, I was asleep and naked in bed. He repeatedly pulled the blankets off me despite me trying to cover myself and telling him not to touch me. He physically grabbed/turned my face toward him and asked me in a calm, frightening way, “Are you scared of me? Am I the boogeyman?” He then deliberately went around the room ripping up every photo of us, including photos we’d taken that same night, and threw the pieces at me.
I was genuinely terrified. When he tried to grab me again after I repeatedly told him not to touch me, I punched him once in the stomach. It wasn’t hard, but I take responsibility for doing it and know it wasn’t okay.
The next morning he alternated between being angry and apologising, said he didn’t want to lose me, and suddenly wanted us to get married. Later, when I tried to talk about what happened and suggested anger management, he sang loudly over me rather than discussing it.
I’m now having flashbacks to him grabbing my face, following me, threatening/intimidating me and destroying the photos. My doctor also told me I should get out of the relationship.
Am I right to see this as more than “just a fight”? How would you describe what happened?

Reposting a shorter version because I realise I wrote way too much in my last post:-

We had plans for the weekend, but things escalated after he became angry about how long I was in the bathroom. He interrogated me about what I was doing, called me names including “dumb bitch,” “spastic,” “stupid idiot” and “dumb slut,” and followed me/kept moving toward me while I was backing away because I felt unsafe. Other people noticed what was happening, and one woman even filmed part of it after hearing me say I didn’t feel safe.
Later that night, after we went home, I was asleep and naked in bed. He repeatedly pulled the blankets off me despite me trying to cover myself and telling him not to touch me. He physically grabbed/turned my face toward him and asked me in a calm, frightening way, “Are you scared of me? Am I the boogeyman?” He then deliberately went around the room ripping up every photo of us, including photos we’d taken that same night, and threw the pieces at me.
I was genuinely terrified. When he tried to grab me again after I repeatedly told him not to touch me, I punched him once in the stomach. It wasn’t hard, but I take responsibility for doing it and know it wasn’t okay.
The next morning he alternated between being angry and apologising, said he didn’t want to lose me, and suddenly wanted us to get married. Later, when I tried to talk about what happened and suggested anger management, he sang loudly over me rather than discussing it.
I’m now having flashbacks to him grabbing my face, following me, threatening/intimidating me and destroying the photos. My doctor also told me I should get out of the relationship.
Am I right to see this as more than “just a fight”? How would you describe what happened?

I’ve been seeing a psychologist for a little while now and I’m working through some things to become a more secure person. I now use a lot of ‘I’ statements and try articulate how I’m feeling and what I need.

Sometimes it seems to trigger my partner who can view these statements as Personal attacks.
This in turn can trigger me back.

I’m starting to realise that sometimes when I am upset angry or frustrated my messaging stops being open and healthy and can become passive aggressive at times.

I will be addressing this further with my psychologist.
Has anyone else successfully stopped being passive aggressive with their communication and become a more healthy and productive communicator?
If so how and what has helped you?

So, my partner (44m) and I (31f) have a pretty negative history together.

We broke up a few months ago, and I stopped trying to win him back. I accepted the end.
He then asked to reconcile, and legit, for the past two months things have been great. Couldn’t fault him on a single thing. Until the past week or so.
He’s identified when he’s angry that it wasn’t at me. We were communicating great, really open and honest. It was amazing. Some minor hiccups that resolved themselves ( I had thought).

I’m having some issues with libido lately, and slipped in conversation two weeks ago in a jokey way that if he didn’t initiate, we wouldn’t really have sex. I can’t even remember the conversation.

Anyway, about a week ago we celebrated our ‘2 years’ (on/off). A couple days later I was pretty tired from work, I had some friendship drama and had 0 in my tank. I declined sex, probably for the first time in our history. I woke up to him staring at the ceiling. I asked him if he’s okay and he said he was thinking about my comment I made about the initiation 2 weeks ago.

He said he wants to feel wanted by me. I get his point of view and I’m working on that. I’m on medication that affects this. He said he will no longer initiate as he feels uncomfortable- like I don’t want it and he’s forcing it upon me. I tried to alleviate his concerns unsuccessfully. He said it’s okay. I shared concerns that If he doesn’t initiate with me, I don’t want him initiating with other women (history of seeing escorts and tinder behind my back). He said he won’t.

Since then I’ve felt triggered by the way he said it, so casually (it’s fine) and I’ve become quite hyper vigilant. He’s also started pulling away from me. I’ve noticed this, and tried to address this a few times, as well as return to the sex conversation, but he’s dismissive and doesn’t want to talk. It’s like he has withdrawn from me. Still says I love you etc. but I have def noticed a difference.

Last week he shared with me he was in a bad mental state and had thought about suicide - no plans just thoughts.

Last night I tried again, and he got explosive, dismissive, angry, and tried to avoid the topic.
I felt I shared my feelings with him, but he keeps calling me drama and I’m always having a go at him. In my insta post I had posted pics of us from our anniversary, with some lighthearted caption about life isn’t a straight line, but moments like this (a pic of us) is worth it. he called it depressing, comparing the caption to some other posts that I’ve posted.

I ended the call after I did not like the way he spoke to me - snappy, cold and dismissive.

I don’t know if this is starting to return to the way our relationship was before (quite unhealthy) or if I’m over reacting and it’s just a bump.

He’s a bit avoidant and I’m a bit anxious.

So, my partner (44m) and I (31f) have a pretty negative history together.

We broke up a few months ago, and I stopped trying to win him back. I accepted the end.
He then asked to reconcile, and legit, for the past two months things have been great. Couldn’t fault him on a single thing.
He’s identified when he’s angry that it wasn’t at me. We were communicating great, really open and honest. It was amazing. Some minor hiccups that resolved themselves ( I had thought).

I’m having some issues with libido lately, and slipped in conversation two weeks ago in a jokey way that if he didn’t initiate, we wouldn’t really have sex. I can’t even remember the conversation. I love him initiating and I love our sex life.

Anyway, about a week ago we celebrated our ‘2 years’ (on/off). A couple days later I was pretty tired from work, I had some friendship drama and had 0 in my tank. I declined sex, probably for the first time in our history. I woke up to him staring at the ceiling. I asked him if he’s okay and he said he was thinking about my comment I made about the initiation 2 weeks ago.

He said he wants to feel wanted by me. I get his point of view and I’m working on that. I’m on medication that affects this. He said he will no longer initiate as he feels uncomfortable- like I don’t want it and he’s forcing it upon me. I tried to alleviate his concerns unsuccessfully. He said it’s okay. I shared concerns that If he doesn’t initiate with me, I don’t want him initiating with other women (history of seeing escorts and tinder behind my back). He said he won’t.

Since then I’ve felt triggered by the way he said it, so casually (it’s fine) and I’ve become quite hyper vigilant. He’s also started pulling away from me. I’ve noticed this, and tried to address this a few times, as well as return to the sex conversation, but he’s dismissive and doesn’t want to talk. It’s like he has withdrawn from me. Still says I love you etc. but I have def noticed a difference.

Last week he shared with me he was in a bad mental state and had thought about suicide - no plans just thoughts.

Last night I tried again, and he got explosive, dismissive, angry, and tried to avoid the topic.
I felt I tried to share my feelings with but he refuses to talk about it and calls me drama. He needs peace right now. In my insta post I had posted some lighthearted caption about life isn’t a straight line, but moments like this (a pic of us) is worth it and he called it depressing, comparing the caption to some other posts that I’ve posted.

I don’t know if this is starting to return to the way our relationship was before (quite unhealthy) or if I’m over reacting and it’s just a bump.

He’s a bit avoidant and I’m a bit anxious.