u/_afflatus

Hello, my name is Quaniesha, 29 years old. I am an aspiring author, and I usually say I like speculative fiction (scifi and fantasy namely) but lately my interests have been horror, romance, and historical fiction. I've actually always read historical fiction from young, but it took me to realize that's been a consistent read for me. Horror and romance are newer additions to my genre faves.

I want to recommend "Ride with Me" by Simone Soltani if it hadn't been recommended already. It was such an engaging and captivating book. I am not remotely knowledgable or invested in sports racing or british culture or business stuff, but the author managed to make the information digestible and interesting. The romance, the narrative parallels, etc, everything was done so well. It is an adult book, and there's 1.5 spice scenes. One in the beginning which is more of a half sex scene but was really well written, and then there is a build up to the full sex scene later in the book, which, how it was depicted flowed with the narrative of the book. It was an intense and steamy scene yet how it was completed matched how the author narrated the book. The writing techniques employed in the work is something worth studying, at least for me. It's far from my first romance, but it is another great read that reminds me of how rich the genre is.

I borrowed it from my library. It's about 400 pages, but it feels shorter cause of how gripping the narrative is. It's an interracial romance between a middle class black woman from DC and a wealthy white man from england. They are both in their mid-20's.

I yearn for his love. He is 41, separated but still married to his ex of a decade or two whom he has four kids with, three of which are biological. He has a lot of history and complications and he has shielded his heart because of the end of this relationship. Whenever he talks to me, I just want him to know how lovable he is and how he is able to find love again, even if it's not me. I want it so badly to be me, but he has shown me no indication that he finds me attractive. He is very adamant that we are friends and have shared some darker thoughts to me that contradict his public, golden retriever energy image. I have loved him for about five months now.

He was my trainer in the workplace. Now, he's a supervisor. I feel insignificant around him especially when I see him at work. We are only close through texting. He makes me feel a whirlwind of emotions. Sometimes, his aggressive way of intimacy which includes name calling makes me feel horrible. Sometimes he is mad at me and namecalls me that way. His attempts at helping my anxiety includes denying my reality even if he is aware my concerns are based in truth; he rectifies it to try to make my concerns look dumb when it is revisited. But he also makes me feel less alone at a time where I am at my worst, my most loneliest. His face, his voice, his energy, everything about him lights up my world. I love him dearly and want to give him the world. He doesnt want anything and claims self sufficiency. He gives to others more in hopes for a return but doesnt give much to me. I think his texting me is his gift to me in his thoughts. I treasure it but i crave more from him.

There are moments when he's taunted me by calling me a brat who needs to be put in my place. There was no context in why he had to say that considering the conversation. He just decided to word it that way. Maybe to test me to see if id make some comment about it. he has told me he feels he cant interact with me a certain way because he thinks ill take it the wrong way. He knows I have a crush on him. He is adamant that we are only friends and that he will never reciprocate romance to anyone. He has also made AI character profiles of me... Multiple, where he describes my body type as curvy which... Kinda... Is an interesting way for him to observe me. Thats not really something i bring up to him. I thought it was interesting for him to see my body type that way in his mind.

I am going to be 29 a week after he turns 42. Is it crazy that I am this intense about a man almost double my age? We are 13 years apart. I dont think the age is a big deal but then again i think i am too young for him in his mind. He is also a white man, and i am black. I feel like race and age (his heartbreak aside) play a role in why nothing is likely between us. At least, not a black woman like me. I still dream.

I dont know how to describe his personality but i think he is sardonic once you get to know him but on a surface level he has a golden retriever energy and very lovable to everyone who is around him. I get a more aggressive, pessimistic side of him that my hyper anxious self am not well equipped to be around but that, to him, is his way of connecting with me beyond the surface. He is rougher with me. He comes off as an asshole and he isnt as cheerful as he seems on the surface to others. It can be a bit of a whiplash sometimes and i am questioning if he genuinely likes me as a friend or just needs someone to rough around. Im not the kind of person who has any friends. Im invisible and alone and overlooked until i inconvenience anyone. Im addicted to him. Even if i hurt sometimes, i cannot get enough of him. It scares me how much i am madly infatuated with him. And nothing will ever be reciprocated but my mind is disregarding that fact/truth. My love for him scares me. He is a big driver in my motivation to live and keep trying but im scared about the future and if there will ever be a fallout.

Well i dont want kids but i work in the cleaning industry and the better paying job is usually cleaning up after kids. I dont mind it at all. Im actually fascinated by the crazy shit kids can do in public places. As long as i have the tools to take it down and put it back to how it's supposed to, i dont mind them doing whacky stuff but if i dont im gonna be pissed.i used to be a high school then elementary school custodian. Now im an evs worker in nicu. Alot of people wanted to work in nicu cause they have baby fever but i didnt want to and I still kinda dont cause those babies are fragile af and its very hard to clean with all the stipulations. They need a clean space cause theyre sick and stuff but it is so weird how things are done on this department. I got put up here cuz im a thorough and efficient cleaner so they want the babies to be better taken care of. I like my job and im ok cleaning up for children. I just dont want kids of my own. Or rearing kids.

I am new to cleaning. I started in 2022, but I picked up a passion for it because it's something I enjoy doing, learning about, and how I service others. I am complimented often on my thoroughness. I usually work under a manager in different commercial settings. I am running into some problems, though. I am EVS Custodial with a hospital, but my specific role is housekeeper, and not the first housekeeper. I am a secondary one meant to check up on patients within a small window. The first housekeepers are meant to fully clean the rooms and connect with the patients, but they sometimes have difficulty with that because they are overloaded with two other assignment lists with over 10 tasks in them, so they tend to bumrush the rooms (though it is passable). They miss things they wouldn't ordinarily miss had they had the time to take their time. And my role is ambiguous because no one among the managers, supervisors, or other tenured housekeepers can decide what I'm supposed to do. I've settled on spotchecking the room, but I can't say this to anyone because they question me on how I got that conclusion. For me, it's 38 rooms within 4 hours and 30 minutes whereas the first two housekeepers get 19 rooms in 5 hours and 30 minutes. We are on the same floor, by the way.

Right now, the management is not talking to me. Rather, they treat me like a number, really. I have to get updates about them from my former trainer turned supervisor because he's the only one who communicates with me and provides me feedback. He's also the only supervisor who works, who doesn't catch an attitude, and doesn't try intimidating his subordinates because he can't imagine being their friend. My former trainer swears that the managers care, and I can only see that in one but she's really out of touch and relies on the apathetic, aggressive supervisors for feedback (which is normal, afaik), but the supervisors are not doing what they're supposed to do and my former trainer complains about the supervisors often). Anyway, my former trainer complains about my work speed. He said at one point management was thankful for the hard work I do, but that's when I was going offscript to clean areas not assigned to me (but still on my floor). The nurses were the ones complimenting me to my face. At the time, one of the supervisors was being really aggressive and hostile toward me, trying to catch me doing something I'm not doing (i.e not cleaning; in reality, she's often unreachable, twirling her hair and flirting with her boyfriend or bringing her kids to work when there's usually many of us housekeepers who need her). I'm usually on the floor cleaning until I am scheduled to start patient rooms. Later on, my former trainer is telling me that I'm too slow and that I need to find another job. They're okay with the other housekeepers because they're going fast even though they're missing stuff that they wouldn't if they could take time on their tasks. I believe 15-19 rooms in 5 hours is doable if that's all you had to do. I do not believe 35-38 rooms in 4 hours is doable especially if one of the housekeepers hadn't done multiple rooms on their side, so you're left with cleaning them fully, and the company itself is saying you should take 10-15 minutes on the rooms to fully clean and provide a positive patient experience. My former trainer and one of the hostile supervisors rolled their eyes at me when I said it took me 15 minutes in the rooms even though the AIDET we follow says that's how long it should take (and I'm doing a full clean on one side because no one has done it on that side). So, if both side housekeepers (cause they split the 38 into A and B) decide to do their work, I know that I should be spotchecking all 38 rooms, but it's been weeks (dare I say, a month) of me fully cleaning one side and one of the supervisors getting aggressive with me for being too slow, so it's unpredictable if I am going to be full cleaning one side that day or not.

I would understand if they were upset with me working too slow doing discharges, but these are patient rooms where I am committed to fully cleaning them and I'm within the recommended 10-15 minute time to clean that they have provided us. They are finding something about me to nitpick without even coming to my face to say anything (unless they want to send out that hostile supervisor). They are the ones who are conducting mass hiring events weekly but have no vested interest in supporting us on the job.

I don't even want to get into the fact that they are refusing to provide carts for the surplus in new hires, and instead have us using the broken carts they refuse to fix (if we can't find a cart from another shift to use). They won't remind the ones on ETS (what im on) and discharge that we have to share trash cans across the shifts because there's not enough, but the first shift discharge hogs their carts for themselves. They are acting like the floor housekeepers and clinic cleaners who have their own trashcans when that's not the case. Discharge and ETS don't have trash cans; we have to use extra and share amongst the different shifts (there are multiple discharge teams across the three shifts with second shift being the largest group).

I am not saying speed cleaning is bad. I think it's a talent and a skill, and I believe that speed cleaners are best utilized for discharges. My former trainer was promoted to supervisor for second shift discharge team, and it's perfect for him in my opinion. He's detailed (wiping down the walls and trash cans and under the toilets and high dusting etc) and quick. He is a leader. He leads by example. Sometimes he comes in during my shift to help out because none of the three supervisors ever want to work. If they do work, they are hostile and intimidating to us. Some frontline workers are lazy, I get it, but I have found a way to motivate them into working by having their backs and making it easier for them in certain areas (e.g taking care of their trash for them, making sure they have what they need, etc). They work better that way. It's a drastic improvement in work ethic. Those supervisors don't do that, but they will fraternize all day and like to stay in the office even if they're not managers.

I just think that they should allow housekeepers for the patient rooms and janitors for the clinics to work at a steadier pace and take their time because that sense of urgency is why they are missing things. it's been weeks, and nobody cleans it. People are putting signs on the door saying no TP/PT in multi stall bathrooms and the nurses/hospital staff have reserved to doing everything on their own because we arent reliable since management has us hyper focusing on the patient rooms (in a not very good way). I think the patient only needs one housekeeper who can check on them later on that day after the first clean. By the time I come around as ETS (based on the company's start time for me and allowing for my lunch break), I'm disturbing the other medical/healthcare staff, but if I don't go in those rooms, I get yelled at by the supervisors. I haven't even talked about the hospital's announced quiet time and how the manager is making ETS only work the whole two hours for quiet time.

I really like the cleaning aspect of the job, and I really don't want to hear "find another job". I like this job, slightly. I like cleaning. Searching for employment is very difficult for me. It took me five months to find this job, and it's a predatory one. But there are a lot of things I still like about this job-- managers, supervisors, and disgruntled coworkers aside. I just want improvements in management. I love working under a manager, and I love when my manager has my back and doesn't see me as a replaceable number.

At first, I was never taught this because my parents didn't want to nurture my development in all areas, so there were a lot of things I was behind on and dealt with social bullying and disregard by teachers and admin. I also moved around a lot and had a socially isolating experience where I come off socially inept and stilted, no different from an homeschool'd individual (i.e I wasn't homeschool'd but their social experiences are close to mine).

I am aware of now that it is imperative to social culture to greet people when you enter a room. I have been scolded many times for not doing that despite not being taught that from young. I know that now. However, I still struggle to get out of my own head and insecurity to muster up energy to say anything. My muscles are so tense and tight that the most I can say is "Hi", and if I say that, it's big, but for many others, it's not good enough because they want a "good morning" or something. (If I had something to relax my tense muscles, maybe I could, but breathing exercises don't do much for me). Part of my own experiences involved the deterioration of my self esteem and sense of self, so it was difficult for me to muster up anything at all, but since I know it hurts people's feelings, I try to say something. The most I can do right now is "Hi" but for some of them, that "Hi" is just as rude as saying nothing. They want me to say exact words or they will rant to others about how rude I am while i'm in the room.

Is this a similar experience with others? I do not believe this is a social anxiety thing because they don't talk about this in their vents. They are usually socially intuned but their illness makes stuff up and they have to be reassured it's not true or they have to do CBT exercises to reassure themselves. Their background contexts don't usually include some horrifying experience that made them self-conscious. Upon clarification, this is what is provided. And I'm not trying to erase people who develop social anxiety after a horrific event because I think that is a very different experience than people who just have the mental illness and no horrific experience.

For context, I went into an autism evaluation and was determined to have avoidant personality disorder after four hours of social, behavioral, computational, sensory, cognitive, and psychology assessments. The evaluation was only supposed to be two hours. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and recommended CPT, but I dropped out after week five of the 12 sessions. I want to try schema therapy with a therapist I've built rapport with. I have also been medicated which has helped a bit, but my anxiety is still out of control. Propanolol helps with the physical stuff, but I only took that one time. Hydroxyzine does nothing for me. I don't know if Buspirone has been helping but I was on 10mg three times a day then upped it to 15mg three times a day in addition to 200mg of Sertraline plus low dose of cariprazine (which I had to drop since it's too expensive) then quatiapine fumerate(seroquel). I think the combination of the three meds were helping, but I've been off them for two months due to issues out of my control.