u/_castin

I don't even know where to start with this, it's just so off-the-walls insane.
So like for the past 4 weeks I've had my niece over every Saturday to give her dirtbike riding lessons. (For context, my niece is 7 and lives with her single mother and other uncle in their parents house. Her father (my brother) isn't allowed to be around her due to substance abuse issues)

Well this past Saturday when I picked her up, she ran out to my car freaking out that her other uncle that lives with her smashed her mom's phone that she was just using to text me to make sure i was still coming to pick her up.

I was like okay that's crazy, and just drove her to my place to get started on the dirtbike practice.

A couple hours later a bunch of firetrucks go flying by my place.
Then 30 minutes after that I get a text from my niece's mom telling me their house just burnt down to the ground.
I was shocked of course and had to spend the rest of the weekend hiding it from her.

Well on Monday I find out it was likely her other uncle who did it out of some kind of messed up jealousy over me. Which I can't even wrap my head around...
When all the police showed up, he tried to take off, got tacked by an officer and they arrested him for obstruction of justice and battery.

Anyways, It's Thursday now and there is no pending charge for arson. Only the obstruction of justice and battery thing. I don't know if the investigation is still ongoing or what.
I had a long, heartfelt conversation with my niece's mom and her parents and they don't blame me at all. They want me to keep spending time with my niece and continue giving her lessons and such and even asked if I could pick her up from her last day of school to take her to an indoor go kart track that she's been wanting to go to.

And I'm just sitting here thinking, ...what about this crazy ass other uncle?!
What if he doesn't get hit with an arson charge and he's out of jail in a couple weeks?
Am I just supposed to ignore him and hope he doesn't pull some insane shit like that again? or come after me and try to ruin my life?

I have people telling me to cut my niece out of my life for good to avoid this dude ruining my life, but I just can't do that. Me and my mother have been in that girl's life since she was born and she's in the top 5 people I care the most about next to my mother and my siblings.
And I'm like one of her favorite people in the world as well. Not to like sound full of myself or something. It's just true. She would be absolutely devastated if i just up and disappeared.
So just cutting her out is insanity and I would never forgive myself for the rest of my life.

So yeah, My head is a mess thinking about what this crazy ass other uncle is gonna do if he doesn't get hit with an arson charge and gets out soon.

I'll try to make this short. 35M for context.
I've been spending more time than usual with my 7yo niece because my brother (her father) doesn't do anything for her. He's a deadbeat with severe substance abuse issues.

So rather than the usual 3-6 months between visits, it has been every other weekend.

She lives at her grandparents house (her mom's parents) along with her mother and her two other uncles.

Well this past Saturday when she called me to ask if she could come over and ride scooters, I said of course and picked her up.
When I got there she ran out hysterical and told me "Uncle J just smashed grandma's phone"
I was pretty confused and concerned. Her grandma came out and said "just get her out of here, please" with tears in her eyes.
I asked "is it because she was calling me so much?" And she just said "It probably is but don't let it get to you. He's not right in the head"

2 hours later a bunch of firetrucks go ripping past my house in the direction of my niece's grandparent's house. Being a 7 year old kid, she was like "ooooo let's go see what's on fire!!!"

30 minutes after that I get a text from her mother than says "can you please keep her the entire weekend, our house just burnt down. And don't tell her please"

I was shocked. The rest of the weekend was so hard, pretending everything was okay while I knew her entirely life had just burnt to the ground.
And I couldn't shake the feeling that her other uncle did it right after smashing the phone. Like maybe some kind of jealousy? I dont know. I've never met the guy so I don't know what he's like.

Anyways, Yesterday evening I dropped her off at the house they're temporarily staying in.
Watching them break the news to her was incredibly tough. Her dog didn't make it and everyone just started breaking down in tears, including me.

A little while later I asked her grandma if this had something to do with me because how much my niece had been contacting me and asking to come over. And she just hung her head in shame and I could tell that's exactly what caused it.
Then gave me a hug and said "It's not your fault honey, don't ever think it's your fault. He's not well"

I went home a mess. I'm still sitting here devastated.
I know that's unhinged behavior but I can't help but think if I didn't show up to be a regular part of her life, none of this would have happened. and it has me questioning if I'm overstepping. If I should back off.
I mean her mother and grandmother love the fact I've been spending time with her. But I'm clearly creating problems in their family. I just don't know.

EDIT: I am blown away by the overwhelming amount of positive and encouraging support. Seriously I don't even know how to thank everyone and I'm sitting here in tears reading it all...
Thank you. 🥹

Update: It's Monday night at 11:00pm. 60 hour since the fire started.
I just called my niece's grandparents and had a long, heartfelt conversation with her grandmother.
She reassured me that everything is okay, there are no hard feelings towards me, and nothing is going to change with the relationship I have with my niece.
She assured me that she's safe and sound, happy as can be with all her new clothes and toys and can't wait to see me next weekend.
Her crazy uncle is going to prison, her other uncle is a rock solid guy that would never think badly of me and loves that my niece has another uncle to spend time with. Seems like a good dude and I'll get to know him soon I'm sure.

I know this might not be super relatable but maybe some single parents with part custody could give me some pointers.

So I'm a 35yo guy and not technically a parent, but I have had part time guardianship of my 7yo niece for a bit.
Won't go into super detail why but let's just say my brother and his ex have different priorities than raising a child.
So I pick her up from school on Fridays and drop her back off at her mother's parents house Sunday afternoons. So grandma only handles school nights and gets the weekends to chill and have a break.

On the weekdays when I don't have her, I will occasionally get a huge emotional breakdown that starts with her asking me if I can come pick her up in the middle of the week.

It will go something like.
"can u come get me? 😙"
"pleeease"
"I want to be there 🙏"
"I love u and miss you 😽✨"
"hey..."
"please come get me❓"

And I'll reply, "I'm sorry honey but I'm at work and I'll see you real soon on Friday, okay" or "you know the schedule, grandma has you on school nights" or something like that.

Followed by a huge emotional crashout where she'll call me and hang up over and over.
followed by
"I hate you"
"I'm so mad 😡"
"I wont forgive you"
*6 more phone calls*
"I miss you 😢"
"I love u 🥲"
"pleeeeeeeeeezzz"
"fine!!!!"
"I dont even wanna come over 😡"
"I actually hate you "
"I'm sorry I didn't mean it 😭"
"but I am really mad at u"
"I love you 😢"
"do u hate me? 🥺"

And that will go on for literally HOURS sometimes.
As much as I'd love to ignore it, it's actually really emotionally stressful on me.
And will sometimes straight up ruin my day.
I'm worried it's trauma from neglect more than anything so part of me thinks I should be giving in and replying to every single text to show I haven't forgotten about her, but part of me thinks I should just be straight up ignoring it.

I have a very unique and strange experience with raising 2 different children from birth despite having no kids.
When I turned 19, my single mother had my sister and I was basically forced into being her primary parent because of my mom's hectic life. I'm talking like 70% of the load was put on me and I was basically a stay at home brother/parent at the same time.
For the first 10 years of her life I dealt with it all. Every single day.
All the crying, diapers, bottles, baths, getting her dressed, making her meals, putting her to bed, taking her to school, picking her up, helping with homework, taking her fun places, showing her new fun experiences, disciplining, correcting bad behaviors and really shaping her into the person she is today at 17.

Then my brother's daughter was born in 2019 and I stepped right back into that parental role due to the fact he and his ex are both homeless drug addicts and now have guardianship of her.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and niece more than anyone else in the world and would do everything in my power to protect them and assure their well being with everything I have as if they were my own.
I think the bond I have with both of them goes deeper than the label of "brother" and "uncle".
I mean I have basically dedicated my entire adult life to them and I think I've done all the same stuff a dad would do. Like teaching them how to use tools, how to ride bikes, conquer fears, etc...
But I can't help but to scroll through this sub reddit every day, longing to know what it's like to be a biological father.
I held both of them as new born babies. And it's not like I felt nothing. But how much more would I feel holding my own?
Does raising a kid with 50% of my DNA really mean that much more than raising a kid with 25% of my DNA?
Idk, my thoughts are all over the place.
I'm about to turn 36, My sister is a half a year away from 18 and my niece just turned 7.
And all I can think about is do I need to pursue becoming a real dad or can I live the rest of my life satisfied that I already have?

EDIT: Wow... I am overwhelmed by the amount of positive and supportive replies. I'm legitimately sitting here getting all teary eyed. Thanks so much guys 🥹

EDIT EDIT: All these comments are definitely making me feel proud and important and that I really have been living the dad life all along.
For now I feel like I can chill out on the thoughts of not being a "real dad" and just focus on doing what I can for these two wonderful girls.

https://preview.redd.it/9o2ggnczux0h1.jpg?width=1448&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f4c6c25c1ad9176229d46b88b37b0114618010e2

I apologize if this is long but It's a lot to unpack.
So I'm a 34 year old guy that's been single and pretty reclusive most of my adult life.
I've never been particular fond of children. In fact the thought of having a child has always seemed absolutely dreadful to me. Basically, I was the "never in a million years" type. But a recent bonding experience with my niece has made me feel emotions I have never felt in my life and it's completely flipped a switch in my brain.

So in 2018 my degenerate, couch hopping, alcoholic, party obsessed brother got a girl we went to school with pregnant. Me being the anti-kid person that I was, my first response was like oh great, now there's gonna be an annoying baby at family get-togethers.
Well anyways, some time goes by, the baby is born and my brother splits. goes out of state to do his own thing.
The mother kind of distances herself from our family and I go years and years without seeing my niece to which I regrettably didn't even really think about.
Well right before Christmas 2023 when my niece was 4 I think, my mother put her foot down and convinced my niece's mother into bringing her over for Christmas. I was there (but not my brother of course) and I was happy to see her. But also a bit indifferent, still not knowing how to interact with children and stuff. My mom did the whole explanation of "this is your uncle Cas, Your dad's brother. You two have the same last name" and all that. It was a pretty nice experience but I walked away from that not really feeling a lot still. Like "well that was nice, but ah yes.. peace and quiet. No more children around"
Well a couple more years goes by of me not really thinking about it and I get a photo of my niece in the mail for Christmas, who was now 6.
This was the initial stage of the switch flipping. As soon as I saw the photo I was hit with a intense wave of guilt. Like how could I let this girl grow up without knowing her uncle. Especially because my brother is such a deadbeat and doing to her what our father did to us.
I dwelled on this feeling for months, looking up at the framed photo once in a while and getting the same feeling of guilt every time. until recently when I decided "you know what, I'm going to do something about this"
I knew her 7th Birthday was just around the corner and I tried to get ahold of her mother to see if I could be there. But I didn't know her number and she has no social media. So I asked my mom if she knew how to reach her, but she didn't know how to get ahold of her either and stopped trying.

So on her birthday I literally drove to the address that was on the envelope of the photo I got for Christmas. Birthday presents in hand.
When I pulled in she opened the door and looked confused "like who is this pulling up?"
But as soon as I got out of the car, I hear "UNCLE CAS!!" and she came sprinting up to me and wrapped her arms around my legs and says "I MISSED YOU!"
Her mother came out right after and started crying immediately, putting her hands up to her mouth and everything. I was completely taken aback. I thought "how does she remember me and why is her mother so broken up?"
Turns out my niece had been asking about me ever since that Christmas in 2023. Her mother just didn't think I cared - which was partly true - so she never bothered messaging me. She thought I might be the same kind of degenerate as my brother. And the photo she sent was like a bit of a "test" to see.
I was just absolutely gutted hearing this. It was like all the guilt I had been feeling was just verified as being warranted and not just me overthinking. She actually WAS missing her uncle. I had to hold back tears while she yanked on my pant leg to go play.
So I spent like 3 hours there. Jumping on the trampoline, playing hide and seek, and just generally having a fun time getting to know my niece. When I had to leave she was so sad and saying stuff like "don't leave forever again" Just completely pulling at my heart strings. So of course I was like "I promise I'll be back soon sweetheart"
Then her mom was like "hey what do you think about picking her up from school on Friday? it would give you two some more bonding time and I could use a little break anyways haha" to which I replied "yeah, of course I will"
When I went home that night it was completely different feeling from that Christmas in 2023. instead of indifferent, This time I felt such a warm and satisfied feeling and actual excitement.

Friday comes around and I go to the school and wait outside the doors. When she came out and saw me standing there waiting, it was the same "UNCLE CAS!!!" as a few days ago. She sprinted towards me and jumped into my arms at full running speed, nearly knocking me down. In that moment I had never in life felt more loved and wanted by anyone at all and I had to hold back tears again.
The whole rest of the day was an amazing bonding experience. We played more hide and seek but at my house with more hiding places. I made her grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, then we played video games for the rest of the afternoon until she fell asleep leaning against my shoulder. My heart just melting.
I carried her out to my car and took her home. When I got there she woke up and started crying and saying stuff like "can you ask my mom if you can stay the night?" I just had to give her a hug and say "I can't, I'm sorry. But I promise I'll see you soon, okay?" and she just ran inside crying.
On my drive home, one the biggest emotional roller coasters I had ever experienced in my life started hitting me all at once. From the guilt of being distance and not caring, to reconnecting, to feeling genuinely loved and needed by a kid who I didn't truly realize how much I care for and how much they cared about me.
All of that compounded with the immense regret of waiting so long and the fear it would happen again. And thinking about my brother not being there for her...
I just started balling my eyes out.
3 days later and I'm still an emotional wreck and it feels like the only true way to feel whole again is to either adopt her which I know is obviously ridiculous, or have one of my own that I don't have to give back. I know this is all probably just an emotional "crash" from such a fulfilling and meaningful experience and it's likely to fade.
But right now it is overwhelming.
Either way though, I'm going to make damn sure I'm a regular part of my niece's life for the rest of my life. And I can absolutely see myself having one of my own. And maybe one day in a few years I can have my niece over to play with her little cousin.