u/aGhostyy

Its not ok, im not ok.

You missunderstand why i whine. I mean who can blame ya? Im Mr Vagueman and why? Dunno.

Its just much to handle, so much i have to endure.

Everything i was afraid of. It was alot more manangble than i thought, until i started to notice, i noticed so much.

So many things. Ive Held myself back, cause of myself.

I always wanted to shine but for the wrong reasons, then i wanted to shine for myself but i couldnt. You changed me, for better but also for worse i think.

I hate it. I hate myself for what i created, what i lies i belived myself. I was so afraid to end up like this, so i did Everything to end up like this.

I dont know, im lost. Im trying to be strong, trying to be like im used to but seeing how i Lied to myself, how i always run in the simples issues, how i never learn to relax, how that costed me Everything.

I know it sounds rough, but it isnt, i think. Dunno. Its more that i lost myself. I always told myself i xant forgive myself blah blah, but now. Its hard seeing how i actually disabend me, how much damaged i did to myself. Damage i cant repair.

Its not that im have to follow you, i want to. I always wanted a similar path in life like u. Tbh u wanted to be like you, but i never knew how. There is so much i admire about you.

Weve had a special connection. But ive destroyed it. I hurt with what was one of my most important and most shamefull part.

I never truly forgave myselfy nor i wanted to.

Ive realized i need something to use as punishment.

You never punishemnd me how i needed it perhaps. Dunno. This thing was so loud and so quiet at the same time.

Its so stupid. But i told u ive killed that part, you didnt eant to listen, neither did i. But i didnt lie. This part is dead. I cant "deed". Its painfull, cause all of this happend cause i just wasn't honest with myself.

How many of my core issues,belives,wishes and so on could stem from such dumb thing.

Its also alot more to it than just what i write here.

There is so much more i think. Atleast it wont let me alone, i feel this tight Grip around my head. It wont let go, i dont know how. I have to endure, like i always do, but im not strong enough, im trying but i cant even rest to get back to strenght.

Im trying, im doing my best. I just dont know what to do when the head is full. But im learning, i think

Good god, your such s pain sometimes you know that?

Ive just wanted to eat my malatang and not have am ugly ass cry while salting my broth.

Girl there is so much on my mind, so much i want to say to you. But i dont know how or why.

Ive just realized how trapped ive become in my head ober the years. How i couldnt see the Woods cause of the damn fuxking trees.

There is so much, im constalty talking with you in my head, or getting explenations to behaviours or why am like this.

Its exhausting, cause most of the stuff we know, but know im so lost..i want to write everything down and try to sort it out, eventuelly.

But yeah, its hard, ngl. But what really icks me, is the way u always missunderstand me :( it pains me, but im also at fault.

I never hated you. Ive hated that part of me thst hated everything. That voixe who likes to ruin shit for me so i can bathe in self loathing. I will never hate you, i will never stop loving you either.

I blame myself for alot of things, but this wont help either. You shook so many of my core issues and since then i cant stop thinking about myself, who i was who i am, but knowing is only half the battle. I still need to actually move for once.

Thats what i hated, you could do everything i wished i could, you have the life i always wanted.

I hate myself for not allowing myself to just be.

I needed to Catch up to you, you became so so unreachable for me.

I should be proud thst someone like you loves something like me, but i couldnt.

I hate how i couldnt keep up to you, i always felt so small compared to you. I mean i was the bad guy afterall and this persona i could never truly overcome. It seeped theough took control and in the Process of dealing with it i killed myself.

Seriously i just now how much was just routine movementsy stuff i enjoyed so i had to enjoy it but i forced my self. I always do or how my mind cant take a break.

Im sorry, you never deserved this, u never deserved such a crybaby as a BF. You deserve someone who isnt ashamed of himself.

Ach komm ey, ich wollte voll denn super duper Brief oder so verfassen voll die Gedanken gemacht und jetzt sitzt ich auf ner Bank im nirgendwo weil ich unbedingt klarstellen muss das ich dich nixht hasse. Reeeee

Edit: you may have read this already, so this is a bit late.. but eeeey thats me, mr late then never.

I love you, you dumb nut. You gave me the courage to change stuff i never dared to touch before, made me see things i never could see in myself, dared me to love again.

I hate that i wasnt strong enough tho, that i was still afraid.

Those special lil moments we had, food,smoking, a movie or TV show, fucking like maniacs.

I loved when u felt pretty, ur bubbly side is such a joy, ur boss women mode is so sexy and i get turned on by ur confidence. Ah im really proud of what uve become.

But i have my self denied to love you, cause of what i did what i am, i mean we wanted to talk i always wanted to go, i never could put this guilt and shame beside me. So ive had to become something that matched that mindset. Ive always talked about punishment, how i still need to recive it. As ive didnt punished my self enough. Ive had a really good streak of badluck too.. So that helped to reinforce my belives. So ive made myself so sick in the process that ive lost myself.

Yeah, dumb shit really. See thazs what I mean. Hesd wont shut up. Could write for hours tbh

To think 3 Weed induced psychosis would hardreset my mind and not completly fry it, is bewildering. Wouldnt recommed kiddos

Thsts it, nothing more to it. Getting 30 in 2 months and i never accomplished anything, im a failuer as a person, im a failure as a human being. I realised ive Held myself back, for what? I dont know, i never wanted to damit to myself, tho i did, ive had this drive to change for years, but i always fail, years pass and here i am, yet i never complaind its my fault afterall, it always was my fault.

So i just sit here, in this empty life i created, no one to dissapoint, no one to impress, just me a cozy little loser

Edit: person

I hate it, but i cant shake it off, i have to be Busy, i have to be moving. As soon as i stop it consumes me like a fire.

I wanne break stuff, i wanne get hurt so bad. Yet i cant even do that, i have to stop myself and then i just sit there, burning up.