This week most likely Ill be leaving Hawai'i for Michigan. Im basically in need of getting my hormones. If anyone could hook me up with some information about that. And also if youre in the area and wanna hang out, im sure we can make that happen too.
This is going to be a lot. Because it kinda requires a back story in many places. Currently Im sitting in my van I live in at a local beach in Hawai'i. And most people are going to look at me crazy.
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Basically to begin, I left my partner of 10 years almost 9 months ago. It felt like I was running from the relationship. I think both of us were. We met in Michigan. It was a rough start as we both were in separate relationships. And their parents were not okay with it. I was being threatened by their father mainly of arrest, kidnapping, yadda yadda. Basically we felt no other choice but to leave. And so we did.
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We bought a SUV and sold everything we had. I put a bed in the back of it and we traveled down to Florida and around the country for months. The only way this was possible was because they had an annuity from a car accident they were in. Otherwise we just would not have money. Before the relationship I was dealing with major depression and suicide ideation which prevented me from ever finding a stable place to live or employment. Im well versed in many jobs. Skilled. I just dont stay long.
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Anyways we did this for about a year. And then another year after trading up to an RV. At some point in California the RV started having issues which prompted us to return to Michigan. Upon returning we sold the RV and lived in a very small town with minimal employment and struggling. It was winter. We were snowed in. And we needed to find something different. So we booked a trip to Maui. For 2 weeks. And we absolutely loved it. So much that we looked for property in Hawai‘i to buy.
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We found 2 acres on the Big Island. Hamakua coast. It was raw. Nothing. So we spent years living in a make shift structure while we cleared out the land and eventually built a house. Again all of this is only possible because my partner had their annuity money. Which in retrospect should have been invested. But we were too busy running from a life we didnt want in search for something better. We lived on that property for close to 7 years. It took us almost 1.5 years to move into the house after building it. We went through many jobs because its so scarce for jobs here and covid hit.
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My ex is cis female. Im male at birth. But at some point during covid I decided to transition female. I was officially transgender. It prompted my ex to come out as non binary lesbian. I would be their first girlfriend. Ive since been transitioning for 5 years now. With that came many struggles. Mental health was really bad. It was the worst right before coming out. For about 6 months I was over the moon, happy. But then it started going back down as I fell back into a deep depression.
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My ex eventually pushed for a better us. We would start therapy. Medication to treat mental problems. We would stop smoking Marijuana which has always been a huge thing for me to do. We would wake up early, eat well and work out. But throughout the years it seemed no matter how much change I made it was never enough. We eventually started fighting with each other. And the constant medication change made my health worse.
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Both of us never got to experience sexual exploration. And at some point that was definitely brought up. We started talking about polyamory. About dating other people but all together. Nothing alone. It was hard as Hawai'i makes dating difficult. They eventually came to me one day saying they have been talking to this guy. On Instagram. And that we should all meet up. And we did. It was actually pretty good at first. I fell in love. We all dated for almost a year. And then dynamics started shifting. There was weight tipping towards him wanting to just date my partner. And not me. It got to a point where they thought they were stalking them. And so we broke up with him.
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The shitty part about this in the end is that directly after my ex and I broke up, they got back together and are now married. This has been effecting me every day since then. I cry every day. Many times daily. Its heart breaking. I cannot stand the feeling of it.
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The cheating. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar. I was never made aware of it. But I go through manic episodes in which I'm not entirely aware of my decision making. Mixed with really bad memory I tend to forget things too. This is where the manipulation from several people starts happening. I started a discord. It was meant to be a group to promote online sex work I was getting into. Well us, my ex tried also. For some reason the discord attracted a ton of queer transfemme like people. It eventually turned into a support group for us. However because of its origins there were some cis men in there as well.
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One of them started talking to me. We got kinda close to the point where we would send each other pictures, talk about doing things, but I never intended to meet up with them. It was at that point strictly emotional cheating. I was also going through my worst manic episode which lasted months. My ex knew something was up eventually. I made a trip to Michigan to visit family. And while I was there is when it happened. My ex logged into my account and found everything. They called me at 3am my time. It was bad. They didnt want me coming back to Hawai'i. I wasnt sure if I should go back. And so I started making moves to stay in Michigan. We were broken up.
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My best friend from high school was the main factor to me moving. He was helping me with everything. And we had some history. Which lead to us having sex. The problem with that is that he had HIV. Medically he was safe. His levels were suppressed enough so it wouldnt, couldn't transmit. And because I was going through my unknown manic episode I just went with it.
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My ex and I were still talking. We made the decision that would come back to Hawai'i. On my way back they asked specific questions. One being if I had sex with my friend. I told them. And almost immediately started manipulating me into believing I was raped. They tried to ruin my friends life. I was basically forced and talked into calling the police and filing a report. Non of this is true. From a lot of angles it was consensual. I went through weeks of panic however because I was also under the impression I was given HIV. I wasnt. Im clean. Safe. But the mental struggle they put me through because of this was unreal.
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We tried savaging the relationship. Rebuilding from the pile but it was only getting worse.
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I left my partner. After one night which lead to me being arrested and put in jail. In the police report its noted that they were aggressively antagonizing me to react. Per my therapists request, I decided to leave the situation that night and wanted the car. But they wouldnt let me have it. It turned into a match for the car keys. I was left with scratches and bruises. And somehow, which is still a mystery to me they got a black eye. At times I sometimes feel like it was self inflicted. But ill never know. I do know when the cops arrived they saw that first and didnt give me 2 second before arresting me.
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Basically I was given a small fine and a year of probation. I was not allowed to leave the Big Island of Hawai'i. Because they had sufficient evidence now of "abuse" they were easily able to get a court ordered TRO against me. 3 years. No contact.
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We also sold the property we had. And this is where things also go haywire. The original investment for the property was all of their money. The only thing I did was put in a ton of effort to clear the land and build the house. Before all of this we made a decision that given we sold the property, my payout would be 20%. And I was fine with that. However they never gave me my portion of the funds. I was basically left with no money. And because we operated a business together, my income stopped as well. I tried to recover by starting my own businesses.
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2 months after the breakup I was in a car accident. I had a 2025 Subaru crosstrek which when originally purchased I was able to make proper payments. I totaled the vehicle. Because I was so emotionally fucked I blacked out for 2 seconds while driving down the highway and I went directly into the ditch. Which in hawaii is just rock. I was given a payout from my insurance. I paid off the dealership portion of my financing so that the insurance could have the title. And I would slowly pay off the other half to my bank. This is not happening as im struggling with income. I bought a van. Its a giant van. A 2000 e-350 extended passenger van. It has a queen bed in it. I have solar. Basically its fit to be lived in. And ive been doing this for the last 6 months.
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My mental health is not good. In the last 3 years Ive tried taking my life 4 times. Ive been in the psyche ward twice. Self inflicted wounds. I have been having a difficult time taking my medications properly. I have nowhere to live. Rent is astronomically high here. And Ive basically been bouncing around between men. The last year of my life ive had more sexual partners than ive ever had. Im not in a position to date. And so I dont. Even though I wouldnt mind it. And so a lot of interactions tend to be just sex. Its all surface. Nothing deep.
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In the last 3 weeks I basically lost my main factor of employment as my coworkers were in a car accident while I was was in the ER and my boss canceled all the jobs. Ive been bouncing around the island, which isn't easy, to find employment. Because I have a domestic violence charge on my record normal employment is hard. A lot of places wont hire me. And so im left with self employment in industries that are very saturated here. Im basically 1 emergency away from being on the streets. Ive been out of money. Im just getting by barely.
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Im not looking for advice. Im currently in the process of selling the van and making the move back to Michigan. Somehow. I dont know how logistically is going to work out. I just wanted to rant. If you wanna continue talking to me we can DM if you wish.
Im a photographer and have lots of really cool photos too on my profile. Just something to check out I guess. Anyways if you made it this far Im sorry.