u/ashql

in the past hour (its 4 am) ive been absolutely sobbing my eyes out thinking about killing myself and then the next second i feel okay and it seems like my life is fine, and then back to the horrible miserable mindset. its so exhausting. im literally jumping back and forth within seconds. what even?

im so done

today and yesterday ive had the worst anxiety of my life about the future and politics. ive been trying everything to calm myself down but nothing works. im so frustrated because i want to feel normal again but everything i do its like im constantly in fight or flight. i took a bath and told myself "this might be the last bath i have before the data centers suck up all the clean water so i better enjoy it" and just stuff like that. i have this terrible weight on my chest and i just want to die.

i only have one friend who lives like 14 hours away from me who i do occasionally call and talk about these general feelings but it hasnt helped. i have so many cool people who want to be my friend in my town, but i just cant connect with anyone, i have a hard time being myself. (im very neurodivergent)

i have gotten myself off of instagram and all of the fear mongering posts and news, but its still lingering in the back of my mind, it might even be worse because im making up things in my head about what could be happening that im not seeing because im not staying updated.

i've thought about suicide almost every night for the past few weeks

another thing that could most definitely be impacting me in this way is im talking to a guy who im madly in love with. my ex. he always made me feel like an afterthought and he would sometimes just not show up to plans or not answer my texts if we had plans. he dumped me randomly and literally shattered my heart a year ago after treating me not so great. i ended up blocking him. i tried dating other people but no one was as good in my mind as he was. every time i think of him i find myself smiling like a fool.

about a month ago we started texting again, i was head over heels. hes in the navy now so we cant see each other in person. just yesterday he tried calling me for thd first time but i was at work and i said id call him after i got off, i texted him as soon as i got off and told him id be home in like 20 mins and he made me believe he was all excited for it. i got home and texted him. nothing. hours later of me just sitting in front of my phone waiting. like a dog. but he never called. he ended up calling me this morning and i answered but i had to go to work so the call was like 15 mins. i asked him to call me when i got off tonight and he, again, was all excited about it. texted him when i got home, nothing. it was the same exact feeling i got last year when id get off of work and ask to hang out and i would sit in my car for like 2 hours waiting for his response. (yes i did this regularly) and it was usually a "sure if you want".

i know people are gonna be like "just block him again" no. you don't understand i am fucking crazy about him. id actually die for him. there was a day a couple months ago where i was convinced i was going to die, i was saying goodbye to the world, soaking in life one last time, and the only thing i wanted was to be in his arms. after he dumped me a year ago i thought about him literally every single day. i dont know what it is about him, maybe i want his approval. ive never ever felt this way about anyone before. hes the only person i want.

i have been treated better in relationships, by a HUUGE margin, but i would give up my happiness for this man, just to be held by him. why tf does he have this power over me?

i have not talked to him about this yet and its because im scared im gonna lose him again. last year he broke up with me after i snapped and told him the way he made me feel. and he just cut me off probably so he didnt have to deal with it.

after reading everything i wrote i think my biggest anxiety is very clear. i know i just need to either talk to him and set boundaries, or cut him off.

i dont like the second option

im having terrible anxiety because im talking to a guy who im madly in love with. my ex. he always made me feel like an afterthought and he would sometimes just not show up to plans or not answer my texts if we had plans. he dumped me randomly and literally shattered my heart a year ago after treating me not so great. i ended up blocking him. i tried dating other people but no one was as good in my mind as he was. every time i think of him i find myself smiling like a fool.

about a month ago we started texting again for the first time, i was head over heels excited. hes in the navy now so we cant see each other in person. just yesterday he tried calling me for the first time out of the blue, but i was at work and i said id call him after i got off, i texted him as soon as i got off and told him id be home in like 20 mins and he made me believe he was all excited for it. i got home and texted him. nothing. hours later of me just sitting in front of my phone waiting, like a dog. but he never called.

he ended up calling me this morning and apologized, saying he fell asleep, and we called for like 15 mins before i had to go to work. i asked him to call me when i got off tonight and he, again, was all excited about it. texted him when i got home, nothing. im guessing hes gonna tell me he fell asleep again in the morning. i got the same exact feeling i got last year when id get off of work and ask to hang out and i would sit in my car for like 2 hours waiting for his response. (yes i did this regularly) and it was usually a "sure if you want".

i know people are gonna be like "just block him again" no. you don't understand i am fucking crazy about him. id actually die for him. there was a day a couple months ago where i was convinced i was going to die, i was saying goodbye to the world, soaking in life one last time, and the only thing i wanted was to be in his arms. after he dumped me a year ago i thought about him literally every single day. even when i was dating other people. i dont know what it is about him, maybe i want his approval. ive never ever felt this way about anyone before. hes the only person i want.

i have been treated better in relationships, by a HUUGE margin, but i would give up my happiness for this man, just to be held by him. why does he have this power over me?

i have not talked to him about any of this yet and its because im scared im gonna lose him again. last year when he broke up with me, it was after i snapped and told him the way he made me feel. and he just cut me off probably so he didnt have to deal with it.

everyone in my life hates him because they know how he treated me. my mom refuses to say his name and calls him "you know who" and my friends keep telling me about how i shouldn't be talking to him. like i know how bad he is for me, yet i cant get over him.

is this a normal thing?? she seemed super confident about it working

now with everything coming out to the public and a lot of secrets being uncovered, im constantly on edge about what is actually true vs a scam for my money/compliance to the system

how can i deal with this? i constantly feel like everyone is out to get me in every situation

is there anything i can do, like a coating or am i going to have to get them remade?