u/blessedlbbhx

where do I even begin?

• Got myself into about **$10,600 of credit card debt** over the last 4 years. I still have about $4k left.

• As soon as I graduated high school, I didn’t apply to college at all. At 19, I randomly went to cosmetology school on a whim because after my ex broke up with me, I felt like a useless piece of shit and realized how batshit insane I had been. Had to pay the school off too **$8k btw.** I don’t even use my esthetics license haha.

• As soon as I turned 18, I thought it was a great idea to get a medium-sized chest tattoo of a woman kissing the man on the moon. Beautiful tattoo, **horrible placement.** Also got matching tattoos with an ex I’d only been with for 6 months. Now I’m paying to remove the tattoos I hate.

• As soon as I turned 18, I went crazy hooking up with strangers and having risky, dangerous sex. My body count went from **1 to 15** over the years, with most happening within 1–2 years.

• Got addicted to hard substances. Only stopped because I was broke and my ex was the plug.

• My ex tried breaking up with me once and I had a mental breakdown, locked myself in the bathroom and started cutting myself. He had to call my sister to come all the way from Brooklyn to Queens to calm me down. Truly horrible on my part.

• Went through a million aesthetics: shaved my head completely bald, dyed it every color imaginable, and had **19 piercings.** Now my hair is grown out and I only have my two little nose studs and ear piercings.

• My weight fluctuated a lot. I gained weight and stopped going to the gym because I became so obsessed with my exes and sex that it was all I could think about.

• Got plastic surgery/cosmetic work on a whim lip, chin and jaw filler and spent around **$8k on my face**. Still not satisfied.

• I was an alcoholic, drinking every other day, partying and wasting tons of money. I eventually stopped drinking and substances because I got really ugly lol.

• At 19, I hooked up with a guy in his mid-30s. I was an adult, but the age gap still feels complicated. He degraded me physically/emotionally like pissing on my face and body, emotionally toyed with me and abused me. I accepted it because I hated myself.

**Fast-forward to now:** I’m 25 and still struggling, but things are different. I’m consistently taking my medication, a hardcore gym rat, and went from **156 lbs to 137 lbs** with plans to lose more. I care a LOT about my appearance and genuinely feel like I look so much better now. I grew my hair out, have fewer piercings, and I’m removing my hated tattoos. I’m sober from alcohol and substances, and I’m starting college as a freshman this March.
I’m still figuring things out, but I hope everyone is doing well.

I’ll start but… where tf do I even begin?

• Got myself into about $10,600 of credit card debt over the last 4 years. I still have about $4k left.

• As soon as I graduated high school, I didn’t apply to college at all. At 19, I randomly went to cosmetology school on a whim because after my ex broke up with me, I felt like a useless piece of shit and realized how batshit insane I had been. Had to pay the school off too $8k btw. I don’t even use my esthetics license haha.

• As soon as I turned 18, I thought it was a great idea to get a medium-sized chest tattoo of a woman kissing the man on the moon. Beautiful tattoo, horrible placement. Also got matching tattoos with an ex I’d only been with for 6 months. Now I’m paying to remove the tattoos I hate.

• As soon as I turned 18, I went crazy hooking up with strangers and having risky, dangerous sex. My body count went from 1 to 15 over the years, with most happening within 1–2 years.

• Got addicted to hard substances. Only stopped because I was broke and my ex was the plug.

• My ex tried breaking up with me once and I had a mental breakdown, locked myself in the bathroom and started cutting myself. He had to call my sister to come all the way from Brooklyn to Queens to calm me down. Truly horrible on my part.

• Went through a million aesthetics: shaved my head completely bald, dyed it every color imaginable, and had 19 piercings. Now my hair is grown out and I only have my two little nose studs and ear piercings.

• My weight fluctuated a lot. I gained weight and stopped going to the gym because I became so obsessed with my exes and sex that it was all I could think about.

• Got plastic surgery/cosmetic work on a whim. lip filler, chin filler, Botox, jaw filler and permanent lip blush tattoo. I spent around give or take $8-9k on my face. Still not satisfied.

• I was an alcoholic, drinking every other day, partying and wasting tons of money. I eventually stopped drinking and substances because I got really ugly lol.

• At 19, I hooked up with a guy in his mid-30s. I was an adult, but the age gap still feels complicated. He degraded me physically/emotionally like pissing on my face and body, emotionally toyed with me and abused me. I accepted it because I hated myself.

Fast-forward to now: I’m 25 and still struggling, but things are different. I’m consistently taking my medication, a hardcore gym rat, and went from 156 lbs to 137 lbs with plans to lose more. I care a LOT about my appearance and genuinely feel like I look so much better now. I grew my hair out, have fewer piercings, and I’m removing my tattoos. I’m sober from alcohol and substances, and I’m starting college as a freshman this March.
I’m still figuring things out, but I hope everyone is doing well.

I feel like I’m barely hanging on by a thread at this point. I’m getting tired of the everyday routine the expectation that I’m supposed to keep doing these mundane things day after day, for the rest of my life, until I eventually die. I know I should be grateful. There are people who have lost the chance to live their lives, and there are people struggling through things far worse than what I’m going through. I try to remind myself of that every day, but lately, everything just feels so heavy.

I find myself dragging my feet just to keep going to go to the gym, eat, get enough sleep, work, eventually go to school, and maintain my relationships with my family. But sometimes, I just want everything and everyone to be quiet.

But even when I feel this way, I keep pushing myself forward. I lost so much time being unmedicated, going from manic episodes to depressive episodes back-to-back, and I truly lost myself during that time. I became an empty, hollow shell of who I used to be. Now that I’m 25, I’m finally somewhat mentally okay, but it still feels like I’m constantly standing on the edge of slipping back into that place.

And I can’t afford to. Because deep down, I feel like no one is going to save me. So I keep pushing myself, even when I’m exhausted, because I don’t know what else to do.

Am I the only one who feels this way? I got a total of 3.5 mL of Restylane Kysse lip filler last year, gradually over time, and some days or in certain lighting, I genuinely start feeling like my lips are small and have reverted back to how they used to look. I don’t know if it’s tied to my body dysmorphia because I do struggle with that, but it definitely messes with me.

Some days I look at them and think they’re big and plump, and other days I feel like they look small. Then someone especially a stranger asks me if I have lip filler and I’m like, “Oh shit… they’re actually that noticeable?” Oof. I’ve had a total of three acquaintances at the gym ask me, so I really don’t know.

It also doesn’t help that I constantly want more and have to keep telling myself no. Honestly, I’m glad my injector is respectable and isn’t greedy because he’s turned me down THREE times recently when I tried to get more. So yeah, I don’t know. It’s such a weird mind game.

I feel like my body dysmorphia is getting worse and worse as I get older. It doesn’t matter how much weight I lose, what I do to my face, how much filler I get in my lips, chin, or jaw, my lash extensions, Invisalign, going to the gym, or the amount of compliments I receive from strangers in public I always find a way to feel ugly, gross, and fat.

Right now, I’m spiraling looking at old pictures of myself and thinking, “I was so ugly.” But then I look at myself now and realize I’m even more obsessed with my appearance than I’ve ever been. I lost 17 pounds, going from 156 to 139. I was skinny-fat before, and I lost a significant amount of weight in my face. People I know at the gym and even my family have commented on how much weight I’ve lost, yet I’m still not satisfied. I still want to lose more. I want to look slimmer.

I’ve gotten lip filler, jaw filler, chin filler, Botox, lash extensions, Invisalign, permanent lip blush tattooing, I do lash extensions, I get my nails and toes done regularly , I straight my hair all the time, I’ve gotten micro needling done on my face, I use prescribed skincare so I can achieve glass skin, I take spironolactone for my skin and my hair, I changed my eyebrows from thicker to thinner because they look better on me. I have naturally curly hair, but I damage it almost every day because I hate how I look with my natural hair. I’m never satisfied with myself.

The only time I really feel good about myself is when I get external validation, especially when strangers compliment me. I tell myself that if a complete stranger goes out of their way to compliment me, they must genuinely see something attractive in me because why would they bother otherwise? But even when I’m in public and people look or stare at me, I immediately wonder, “Are they looking at me because they think I’m ugly?” Then someone will randomly compliment me, and I’m right back into the cycle. I’m so tired of it.

I want to lose more weight. I want perfectly straight teeth, which is why I have Invisalign. I want to permanently straighten my hair because I hate how I look with curly hair. I want to go back to my injector for more jaw and chin filler and get cheekbone filler for the first time because the filler in my jaw and chin has worn off. I keep thinking that if I could just fix one more thing, maybe I would finally feel perfect.

But I know perfection doesn’t exist, and knowing that is so frustrating because I feel like I’m constantly chasing something I can never reach.

I genuinely don’t see what other people see when they look at me. Sometimes I want to cry and hide because I’m so self-conscious. You would think that doing all of these things to myself would eventually make me feel happier and more confident, but it hasn’t. If anything, I feel more miserable because every time I take a selfie or someone takes a picture of me, it completely distorts how I see myself. I can look in the mirror and feel like I look good, but then I see a picture and suddenly I think I look horrible.

I wish I loved myself. I want to get more done to my face, but I don’t have the money for it right now. It would cost around $3,000, and I’ve already spent money on permanent lip blush and lip filler. Thankfully, the lip filler hasn’t worn off, but my jaw and chin filler have, and now I’m sitting here thinking, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be satisfied?”

People tell me I look good. Strangers compliment me all the time. My family and people at the gym have noticed that I’ve lost weight. Yet none of it seems to reach the way I see myself.

I’m exhausted. I feel lost. I feel like I’m constantly chasing a version of myself that doesn’t exist, and I’m scared that no matter how much weight I lose, how much filler I get, or how much I change my hair, my teeth, my face, or anything else, I’ll never actually feel happy with myself.

Whenever I get into an argument with family or friends, or we have prolonged beef, I can go from loving and adoring them to hating them & completely writing them out of my life. It’s so weird because sometimes even I’m like… damn, I really take it to the extreme.

I’ll delete all our pictures together, delete their contact, stop speaking to them for days or even months, and secretly hope they reach out first or apologize. And if they don’t, I’m just like, “Whatever.”

Then once we’re cool again, I’m right back to loving and adoring them like nothing ever happened. Ugh.

Sometimes I look back at who I was when I was struggling the most and genuinely feel disgusted with myself. I wonder what the fuck I was doing with my life. I’m being vulnerable because there’s a lot I’m not proud of, but I also know I was struggling in ways I didn’t understand at the time.

My worst years were 18–21. I was diagnosed around 18/19, but I was extremely inconsistent with treatment. I drank, partied, used drugs, and made a lot of impulsive decisions. I’m pretty sure I went through long periods of mania.

I was constantly changing my appearance because I felt disgusted with myself and ugly. I impulsively shaved my head, dyed my hair more times than I can count, got piercings, and got tattoos I now hate and am currently removing. I even got matching tattoos with an ex I swore was the LOML, despite only being together six months.

I developed a serious addiction to cocaine and experimented with other substances. I drank heavily and smoked weed every day until I realized I was addicted.

My relationships were unhealthy too. I confused sex, lust, attachment, and being wanted with love. My body count is 15, and most of those experiences were horrible. I had very risky, dangerous sex and often used sex to cope, feel wanted, or convince myself that I mattered. I used hookups as a form of self-harm.

I had a long-term sexual situation with a man I met on Tinder. He invited me over the same night we matched, and we continued seeing each other for a while. He was extremely degrading and abusive toward me, but I thought I deserved it. At the time, that kind of treatment felt good because I genuinely hated myself.

A lot of my self-hatred came from being molested as a child. I pushed away family and friends and damaged relationships. I also emotionally cheated on an ex who was abusive toward me. I’m not using his behavior as an excuse for mine. When he tried to leave me, I locked myself in the bathroom and hurt myself while begging him not to leave. Looking back, I’m ashamed of how unstable I was.

I tried to end my life more times than I can count. Whenever relationships ended, I would spiral, stop going to work, self-harm, isolate myself, and stay in bed for days. I quit countless jobs, went into debt multiple times, and never went to college because I knew I wasn’t okay.

Sometimes the reminders still hit me hard. I’ll see my tattoos, notice the holes my piercings left, smell a certain scent from that time, or have a loved one bring up an old memory, and I feel frozen. I feel disgusted and ashamed that I let myself get that bad. Sometimes I genuinely wish I could rewind time and undo my mistakes.

But I’m not that person anymore. I’m 25 now. I’m consistent with my treatment, I’m in a healthy relationship, I don’t use drugs, and I’m two years sober from alcohol. I go to the gym, I’ve lost weight, I’m healthier, and I’m starting college in March. Am I 100% better? No. Is my life amazing right now? No. But I’m not destroying my life anymore. And honestly, that has to count for something.

Sometimes I look back at who I was when I was unmedicated and genuinely get so disgusted with myself & wonder what the fuck I was doing with my life. I’m being vulnerable because there’s a lot I’m not proud of, but I also know I was struggling in ways I didn’t understand.

My worst years were 18–21. I was diagnosed around 18/19, but constantly went on and off my meds, drank, partied, did drugs, and made impulsive decisions. I’m pretty sure I went through long periods of mania.

I was constantly changing my appearance because I felt disgusted with myself and ugly. I impulsively shaved my head, dyed my hair more times than I can count, got piercings, and got tattoos I now hate and am currently removing. I even got matching tattoos with an ex I swore was the LOML, despite only being together six months.

I was addicted to cocaine, experimented with Percs, Xans, acid, shrooms, and Molly. I drank heavily and smoked weed every day until I realized I was addicted.

My relationships were unhealthy too. I confused sex, lust, attachment, and being wanted with love. My body count is 15, and most experiences were horrible. I had very risky, dangerous sex and often used sex to cope, feel wanted, or convince myself that I mattered. I used hookups as a form of self-harm.

I had a long-term sexual situation with a man I met on Tinder. He invited me over the same night we matched, and we continued seeing each other for a while. He was extremely degrading and abusive toward me, but I thought I deserved it. At the time, that kind of treatment felt good because I genuinely hated myself.

A lot of my self-hatred came from being molested as a child. I pushed away family and friends and damaged relationships. I also emotionally cheated on an ex who was abusive toward me. I’m not using his behavior as an excuse for mine. When he tried to leave me, I locked myself in the bathroom and hurt myself while begging him not to leave. Looking back, I’m ashamed of how unstable I was.

I tried to end my life more times than I can count. Whenever relationships ended, I would spiral, stop going to work, self-harm, isolate myself, and stay in bed for days. I quit countless jobs, went into debt 5 times, and never went to college because I knew I wasn’t okay.

Sometimes the reminders still hit me hard. I’ll see my tattoos, notice the holes my piercings left, smell a certain scent from that time, or have a loved one bring up an old memory, and I feel frozen. I feel disgusted and ashamed that I let myself get that bad. Sometimes I genuinely wish I could rewind time and undo my mistakes.

But I’m not that person anymore. I’m 25 now. I take my medication consistently, I’m in a healthy relationship, I don’t do drugs, and I’m two years sober from alcohol. I go to the gym, I’ve lost weight, I’m healthier, and I’m starting college in March. Am I 100% better? No. Is my life amazing right now? No. But I’m not destroying my life anymore. And honestly, that has to count for something.

Hi everyone, this is kind of a vulnerable post, but I’ve been thinking about taking the leap and going to college for the first time. I’m 25 and I’ve never been to college. When I graduated high school at 17, I honestly didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was pretty lost and struggling with a lot at the time, so I decided not to go. Part of the reason I didn’t apply straight out of high school was because I genuinely thought I wasn’t smart enough. I ended up going to beauty school and getting my esthetics license, but over time I lost my passion for it.

I’ve worked a bunch of dead-end jobs and have struggled to find good opportunities here in NY. I think part of it was that I just became really jaded and realized that maybe that career wasn’t for me anymore, or maybe I just didn’t apply myself as much as I should have. I’ve been thinking about cosmetic nursing because, even though my career in esthetics didn’t work out, I do genuinely love anything beauty related. I love skincare, aesthetics, and helping people feel good about themselves. I think that part of me is still there, which is why cosmetic nursing caught my attention. I know it would be a completely different path and a long, difficult process, but I like the idea of being able to combine healthcare with something I’ve always been interested in.

Now I’m back in the same position, working jobs like serving and home care, and I really want more for myself. I want to go to college, but I still have the same mentality and low self-esteem I had as a teenager. I still feel stupid sometimes, and I’m scared that I’ll go to college and fail.
The biggest thing holding me back is that I truly don’t know exactly what I want to go for. Im still hesitant and confused. Part of me thinks maybe I should just start with liberal arts and take some classes to figure out what I’m actually interested in and see if something clicks.

I really want to take the leap and do something with my life, but I’m scared. I had decent grades in high school, but I was never good at math but even saying that feels weird now because college is obviously different from high school, and I haven’t been in school for years. I guess I’m just looking for some encouragement or advice from anyone who has gone back to school later, especially if you felt like you weren’t smart enough or didn’t know what you wanted to do. I really want to believe that I can do this, but I’m honestly scared that I’ll fail before I even start.

My narcissistic/emotionally abusive ex randomly called and texted me today after 3 years of no contact and it completely caught me off guard. For context, we were together for about 2 years, and I was the one who ended the relationship because of how badly he treated me emotionally. The relationship was draining and unhealthy, and it took me a long time to detach and move on.
Today he called me and left a voicemail saying he’s moving to New York, (which is where I live) and that’s he been thinking of me and he’s not trying to rekindle anything lol. Later he texted me asking how I’ve been. I responded with: “Good. what do u want? why are you reaching out to me after all this time”.

He replied saying “Life’s been crazy lately lol” and then said he went back into his voicemails and found an old one of mine I left him and felt bad. After that, I sent him this:

“I don’t know what you thought this was or how you thought I was going to respond, but just because it’s been three years doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you or that everything is suddenly okay. You never apologized, you never took accountability, and now you think I’m supposed to be okay with you texting me just because you were thinking about me? You treated me like shit, and I will always remember that. I genuinely do not give a fuck that you’re moving to New York, and I don’t give a fuck about you either. The same way during our horrible relationship you didn’t give a fuck about me. You were a horrible person to me, and I will never forgive you for that. The only person I forgave was myself for ever being with someone like you in the first place. And since you wanted to know how I’m doing I’m doing amazing actually. Once I left you, everything in my life started looking up and I was finally happy again. Never reach out to me again.”

Then I blocked him. Even after all this time, hearing from him unexpectedly still felt surreal and confusing in a way. What stood out to me most was how there still wasn’t any real apology or accountability just vague guilt and nostalgia after years of silence.