u/conciousbutnotalive

Hi, I'm 19F and I'm in New Castle County. I moved back in Feb. from central pa and I don't really have any friends here. It's really hard to be by myself a lot of the time, I live with my aunt and I'd like more people to hangout with then just her, I want to be more around people my age. I'm mostly looking for female friends but guys are welcome too.

I enjoy gaming, reading, drawing, watching shows and movies and finding things to do outside the house.

Hi. I'm 19 years old, I'm a girl. I have recently realized that idk what I'm doing. I know what I want, idk where to look or even if I should look.

As a child (7-11) I was a victim of CSAM, maybe any relationship I have is doomed from the start is how I'm feeling right now. When I was about 14, during covid I met someone that I fell hard for. Yk, first love. Took me a very long time to move on. I've had relationships and feelings for others since.

Typical high school relationship, meeting people who deceive me into thinking they want love just as much as I do. But I've met several people and through my experiences I thought maybe I hadn't find the right one. I don't really think I'm doing anything wrong. I can flirt, obviously if people want to engage with me I can be quick on my feet, but it always ends with them just wanting sex. They want to meet up or trade nudes and I'm just tired. I've been there, done that.

I cant, like, explain how much pain I'm in. I try to take the advice people give me. Dont expect so much, prepare for the worst, work on yourself, try dating in person, you need therapy. I don't why every time something happens it feels so catastrophic, I've tried numbing it down and just telling myself there's always next time. However, next time just ends the same and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

Last year I met someone I was cautious about, he really put it all out there and we had the same values, wants, and needs. I didn't really realize how much I liked him until I was under him and I felt more in my heart then I did physically. I didn't realize how meaningful intimacy was with real feelings but of course he lied to me to get what he wanted and dipped when I was no longer convenient for him. He hurt me very badly to the point where I started experiencing heart palpitations, feeling like my heart was skipping beats, sharp pain when breathing in and out. It landed me in the hospital for tests and such and I'm fine physically besides needing vitamin supplements. It took me months to recover.

During the end of those months I met 3 different people at 3 different times and all 3 of them have played me and I'm honestly letting them. #1 I met on tinder. I was looking for something real and he wasn't, I didn't really know how to take that but I eventually stopped caring and told him I was fine with having that fwb relationship he was looking for. He rejected me though, saying my mental state was not right and eventually I blocked him. I really respect it now though, he genuinely saw that I wasn't okay, and I know its weird but he comforted me on more then one occasion and I needed it. #2 I met while me and #1 were in contact. I met him on reddit, and I'll admit we met because we both were looking for physical gratification. We spent a lot of time together, I really was falling for him and I didn't hide it from him. But it was too much for him and he ghosted me. Maybe this is weird, but yeah I cried to #1 about it. I remember that night so vividly and how he forced me to be nice to myself. I haven't really felt that cared for since, looking back.

Anyway I lost contact with both of them and about a month later I met #3. I was really hopeful about #3, he told me he was looking for long term commitment. We'd have thoughtful conversations and he asked to take me out back in december.

Has that happened ? No. It as not. I made him call me and tell me what was goin on because atp I've waited for 8 months just for him to say "I'm not in a place to be in a relationship." Where have I heard that before ? Oh right, from the guy I met last year.

Whatever tho, I "detached" and didn't speak to him for a week. But I gave into my needs and his wants and it's happening again. I'm just the toy that people use, and I let them it's my fault. I just cant help but wonder if that's because of the abuse I suffered. I can't help but wonder if that's the only way I can cope.

The entire time I've been in contact with #3, #2 has bugged me several times and I've bugged him. I eventually found out he lived abt 3 hrs from me and I wanted to meet but he didn't. Why bother me, then ? I've bugged #1 several times. we had a serious talk about what happened in the fall around march, we've been in and out of contact since. I want to see him and he said he would. I know not to trust words, only action but I can't help but hope. Each time we block each we reach to his friend to get each other unblocked.

Idk what's going on, I know it's a mess but he blocked me again last night (his 2nd time, and honestly he has every right to do so bc I've done it 3 times trying to protect myself, and I can and have admitted that) and I reached out to the friend because it hurt. I have my place to myself for a week and I wanted him to come over but he disappeared so I couldn't call him.

While talking to his friend I cried so hard, we don't even talk that much but out of the three he's the one I'm most attached too. His friend suggested I have romantic feelings for him which, I admitted I thought about being with him that way. I think you know I would try with him. But we don't talk much, we don't know each other that well. We've sexted, barely but somehow I still want him. Idk how to explain us, I really don't. I'm not here to figure that out.

I'm sort of just here to vent. I'm hurt, I'm lonely (I barely have friends), I love a lot of people in different ways and I just feel lost and out of hope. I feel kind of embarrassed, I feel stupid and gullible. I feel like I'm way too sensitive for this world. I kind of hoping not to be judged, I'm trying my best out here. It's not like I haven't tried to distance myself from everyone I've talked about but any other connection I've had (even if it is genuine and pure) it crashes and burns.

I dreamt abt #1 last night and that's got me really fucked up today, I hope to hear from him soon :/

Please be kind, I am already hurting. Wish me luck.

Hi! I'm looking for people who are seriously interested and dedicated to playing in a long-term world. My favorite Minecraft serious is the Minecraft Diaries: The Rise of Pheonix Drop by Aphmau

I want to create my own village and story inspired by her but completely handmade by all the people involved :) That means building homes, churches, restaurants, farms, stables, and statues. I've had this dream for years but I've never been able to execute this on my own. I really want more friends and I'd love if you were interested to play along with me! hope to hear from you soon!!

Hello, I'm not sure if a post like this is relevant but it has been my experience here since I moved.

I moved here from southcentral pa. I was looking to get away from my parents and I had family here. My cousin had a baby girl and I want to be apart of her life. That has been great, regarding the baby and all.

I moved into an apartment with my aunt, and things have been rocky like I knew they would be. It's hard, I had gotten a part time job at massage parlor and was fired after a month for practically nothing. I would expand on that but now the franchise owner is being sued for wrongful termination by someone else lol

I just got a new job, I start tomorrow and that's exciting, but I'm very nervous. It'd be my first "real" job. I'm only a year out from graduating high school. Dating has been really hard, I just had time wasted for while just to be hit with some kinda bs. I haven't really figured out how to make friends here yet, so I kind of feel alone (I look in the sub for suggestions when I have time). i live with my aunt, she's here from time to time but I feel a little empty in regards to connections my own age.

My apartment building was sold to a new leasing company. Due to the heat and the age of my building things have been breaking, the vinyl floors are popping up, the doors swole, my window and a light fixture leaks when it pours. I'll get them handled, I contacted maintenance. It's just a lot. This city is bigger then what I'm used to, it's just kind of scary being on my own, a little overwhelming.

feel free to delete this post if it's unrelated to Wilmington :p.

I just wanted to vent a bit, having a bit of a sad morning.

Hello little red notebook.

Your cover is dirty, I realize how little care I’ve given you. It’s important to me that I clean your cover, and paint it. Thank you for letting me talk through you all these years although very inconsistently.

I was on the phone with my grandma (yesterday I think?) and she started talking about aunt Theresa. I hope I spelled that right. Anyway she asked me if I remembered her, and truthfully I answered no. She then reminded me that she was Poppop’s sister. I haven’t really thought about him a lot, I apologized to Giggy for bringing him up. She laughed and said it was okay and that she didn’t mind talking about him, that she was always happy to talk about him. It sounded a little sad, but she was happy.

The truth is I was the one who couldn’t talk about him. I could feel the tears start welling up in my throat. So I excused myself. I couldn’t do it. Crying infront of her is so hard. I didn’t though, I packed it away.

Today I watched a movie, it was a romance of course but that wasn’t the main focus. This girl’s mother died, she was sick. Her cancer had come back. She left behind this journey for her daughter to complete. This movie was really sad.

I went to the bathroom and saw what people call Komerobi on the wall. There was the smallest fragment of a rainbow and somehow I knew it was him.

I have some thoughts honestly 

Why am I so entitled to feel grief towards him? This feels so selfish. I don’t actually remember him. Yet I hurt “more” then Giggy when people bring him up. I think my soul remembers him. It’s all in a place my mind can’t reach.

My theory for life (at least my own) tells me that this was predetermined. That for whatever reason this pain is something I need to experience. It makes me who I am now. I wonder if I’m growing into the person I need to be, will I ever find out who that is? What if all these paths I’ve taken have been nothing but predestined mistakes?

Life doesn’t feel “right” anymore. As a kid I had this feeling, not a thought or emotion but a strange comfort knowing that everything was right. Everything had happened how it should’ve and that I was right where I needed to be. I remember that feeling. How ugly that blue carpet was, how I hated that wide wooden dresser. But as an adult that feeling is just gone. The last year of highschool was just so uncomfortable. I realize now that the comfort I spoke of was fading. Rhiannon really was showing me that she didn’t love me just as much as I loved her.

Who’s to say that the people I love aren’t just secretly waiting to leave me like she was? It’s certainly happened since. In everyone’s life I feel like the outlier. Just an extra person who just so happened to be in that exact moment in time. To my mother, a mistake she made. She’s been forced to love because she created me. I don’t really feel real, just a shell of biological complexities created due to two sets of chromosomes mistakenly forced together. Just another mouth to feed along with the other 8 billion people on this planet, why does my life matter compared to the other people on this planet who’s life made such a difference that google knows their whole life story?

I know that my mind is my own worst enemy. How is it that I “deserve” love just because I can feel? Why do any of us? Is it because 100, 200, 300 years ago we suffered more then we do today? Why are we the most complex beings? Why do we hurt ourselves so much? I know biologically that it’s involuntary. Do other mammals just feel like they’re missing out? Why do I care about the thoughts of other species?

I want to be ignorantly happy. I don’t like having questions that no one can answer. Why does my heart feel the impact of every meaningless thought I have? Those thoughts won’t really matter when I’m dead. It’s not like I care about anyone else’s thoughts when they don’t have to do with me. Except I sorta do. You never really know anyone, just imagine all the things they’ve said to themselves when you couldn’t hear them. How do I feel like there’s answers for me, for everything. Showing completion via percentage bar. Knowing that everyone’s answer is different yet the same. It drives me crazy because there’s just one question I’ll never have closure towards. Why?

Unfulfilling.

It bothers me knowing that once I die this planet will outlive me. That my grave will be marked, but I’ll still be unknown.

Hello little red notebook.

Your cover is dirty, I realize how little care I’ve given you. It’s important to me that I clean your cover, and paint it. Thank you for letting me talk through you all these years although very inconsistently.

I was on the phone with my grandma (yesterday I think?) and she started talking about aunt Theresa. I hope I spelled that right. Anyway she asked me if I remembered her, and truthfully I answered no. She then reminded me that she was Poppop’s sister. I haven’t really thought about him a lot, I apologized to Giggy for bringing him up. She laughed and said it was okay and that she didn’t mind talking about him, that she was always happy to talk about him. It sounded a little sad, but she was happy.

The truth is I was the one who couldn’t talk about him. I could feel the tears start welling up in my throat. So I excused myself. I couldn’t do it. Crying infront of her is so hard. I didn’t though, I packed it away.

Today I watched a movie, it was a romance of course but that wasn’t the main focus. This girl’s mother died, she was sick. Her cancer had come back. She left behind this journey for her daughter to complete. This movie was really sad.

I went to the bathroom and saw what people call Komerobi on the wall. There was the smallest fragment of a rainbow and somehow I knew it was him.

I have some thoughts honestly 

Why am I so entitled to feel grief towards him? This feels so selfish. I don’t actually remember him. Yet I hurt “more” then Giggy when people bring him up. I think my soul remembers him. It’s all in a place my mind can’t reach.

My theory for life (at least my own) tells me that this was predetermined. That for whatever reason this pain is something I need to experience. It makes me who I am now. I wonder if I’m growing into the person I need to be, will I ever find out who that is? What if all these paths I’ve taken have been nothing but predestined mistakes?

Life doesn’t feel “right” anymore. As a kid I had this feeling, not a thought or emotion but a strange comfort knowing that everything was right. Everything had happened how it should’ve and that I was right where I needed to be. I remember that feeling. How ugly that blue carpet was, how I hated that wide wooden dresser. But as an adult that feeling is just gone. The last year of highschool was just so uncomfortable. I realize now that the comfort I spoke of was fading. Rhiannon really was showing me that she didn’t love me just as much as I loved her.

Who’s to say that the people I love aren’t just secretly waiting to leave me like she was? It’s certainly happened since. In everyone’s life I feel like the outlier. Just an extra person who just so happened to be in that exact moment in time. To my mother, a mistake she made. She’s been forced to love because she created me. I don’t really feel real, just a shell of biological complexities created due to two sets of chromosomes mistakenly forced together. Just another mouth to feed along with the other 8 billion people on this planet, why does my life matter compared to the other people on this planet who’s life made such a difference that google knows their whole life story?

I know that my mind is my own worst enemy. How is it that I “deserve” love just because I can feel? Why do any of us? Is it because 100, 200, 300 years ago we suffered more then we do today? Why are we the most complex beings? Why do we hurt ourselves so much? I know biologically that it’s involuntary. Do other mammals just feel like they’re missing out? Why do I care about the thoughts of other species?

I want to be ignorantly happy. I don’t like having questions that no one can answer. Why does my heart feel the impact of every meaningless thought I have? Those thoughts won’t really matter when I’m dead. It’s not like I care about anyone else’s thoughts when they don’t have to do with me. Except I sorta do. You never really know anyone, just imagine all the things they’ve said to themselves when you couldn’t hear them. How do I feel like there’s answers for me, for everything. Showing completion via percentage bar. Knowing that everyone’s answer is different yet the same. It drives me crazy because there’s just one question I’ll never have closure towards. Why?

Unfulfilling.

It bothers me knowing that once I die this planet will outlive me. That my grave will be marked, but I’ll still be unknown.

This has happened twice, I start out in my town and then if I accept an order from papa John’s in a town 20 mins away while I’m there I get $40-$50 in tips.

The order payout was only 2.25 but when I see that “cash upon delivery” I always decide well, I’d rather be wrong than lose a tip. The first night this happened someone tipped me $40, today, some kid tipped me $50 ??

I’m not complaining I’ll accept it every time, but ..why ?

I’ve only had this happen twice and I’ve only picked up there twice. Any thoughts ?