u/cosmic_swirl_

Okay, but Freedom Fighter by Rainbow and Public enemy number 1 by Mötley Crüe
AND
Lonely planet boy by New York Dolls and You can’t put your arms around a memory by Johnny Thunders

On the first one, not everyone hears it when I mention it but the first time I heard Freedom fighter I thought of that song by Mötley. And the second one, the chords are basically almost the same and the rhythm and the atmosphere 😭😭😭 okay I ranted it all YAYAYAY

Какво значи, че ще пускат филм с Васил Левски, генериран изцяло от AI? Защо трябва да вкарваме изкуствения интелект във всякакъв вид изкуство 😭😭

I mean, mostly teenagers use it in my country but when I arrived here it’s so much more than I’ve seen. I see leftovers of it on the ground, they sell it in every store, and when we were at a band practice of my boyfriend’s, his guitarist’s dad asked his son to bring him the snus 😭 it’s basically the same with cigarettes where I live, I see them everywhere

My relationship with my mom has always been turbulent. I’ve never felt safe or comfortable around her to express myself or opinion. It’s always her word that you should take as right, always her judgement that matters and if someone is hurt, well, it’s never due to her, of course, meaning she never bothers to take account for her actions.

But recently it has felt much worse than ever. I cry all the time because of that. And I told her that her behaviour is hurtful, that I’m really feeling bad because of it. I was called over dramatic, that I’m just being a prima Donna. Perhaps, I may be dramatic, who knows. I think everyone has issues with parents at this age. But still, it’s really overwhelming me and making me feel guilty all the time, I can feel how stressed I am talking to her, the same way I was stressed when I was 13-14. My dad can also say wrong stuff or do the wrong things sometimes. Yes, that’s understandable, parenting requires a lot and there are times where it’s not going smooth. But the difference with him is that he apologises when he notices that his words landed the wrong way.

Almost a week ago I was leaving and preparing to stay a month with my boyfriend. And at 4 am she found something to waste her energy on. I wanted to pick some jacket and she started yelling that I won’t need it, said that I haven’t planned anything, that I thought I’m all grown up but I am not. That really stung, I was in tears again. I really had prepared everything, I made a whole list of stuff to take with me. (Right now I do in fact need this jacket I was initially going to take btw but I took the one she told me to satisfy her). And what she said at the end was that I think I’m escaping but that I’ll be back there in a month. I was so done with this, so I stated calmly “one day I won’t” and left with my dad to drive me to the airport.

Now she calls me every day when I’m here, assumes I’m doing stuff and asks me about them all the time I’m here, I feel like I’m being judged for everything. And yesterday when she called me she started with “you don’t call, don’t you want to hear me?” Honestly? I haven’t even thought of you to begin with. She doesn’t even lightly cross my mind. What does she expect, really, that after years of all that I won’t just find my own way out and continue with my life?

I mean in terms of forming how music sounds, what's possible with it.

I’ve never wanted, ever since I was little. And my relationship with my mom has always been turbulent to the point I’m really scared of even having a kid and acting the same way she has towards me over the years. She keeps telling me “you’ll have kids” and when I stand by my point I won’t she keeps insisting and yelling it.
Will I really ruin my life if I don’t have kids? Will I end up feeling miserable like she tells me I will?

Хайййй :33 да спомена, не съм професионалист, не свиря толкова добре на китара и съм самоука, както и с пеенето. Имам написани песни. На 17 съм. Но да, по-скоро за забавление. Нещо от сорта на glam rock, Stevie Nicks, Doors. Бих искала да се свържа просто с хора, които гледат на музиката по начина, по който и аз се свързвам с нея.

Lately I've started giving more thought to what I'm going to do once I finish high school. Well, I have ever since last year. Although, last year I was confused, I knew that my inner feeling was leading me towards something that includes connecting with others, creating art. But I told my mom that then and she severely pushed it aside suggesting I should go for architecture. I did consider it and I was keen on the idea. I'm in a mathematics school right now so I thought this gives me an opportunity for it too. And what actually sparked an interest was that in architecture you have to be detail-oriented, feeling the space and how it interacts with a human.

Having this romantic idea in mind, it harshly clashed with the reality of what it actually consists of. And what I also grasped recently was that I don't thoroughly understand math. What brings happiness to me has always been art and expressing myself. I paint and everyone has always told me I have a talent for that. Music is the thing that fuels my creativity and keeps me together, I feel deeply connected to it. Another thing is writing and making music, it feels closer to painting as it illustrates a picture as well but one that has a dynamic and a pulse you can actually feel yourself. And since last year I've been making jewellery. That, on the other hand, is special to me because whenever I wear my own creations, they act as an armor and make me feel more secure in a world that often dismisses my feelings and says I am too much.

Now I feel perplexed. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I do know for sure that when I graduate next year, I want to move out of everything here because it's really weighing me down. Seeing everything I've known for the past 17 years, it brings back not so pleasant memories. Knowing that there's something out there that cherishes me rather than punishing me for what I've always been and am, amplifies that disconnection. In my mind, it's like I've already left, even though I'm still here. I know where I want to be right now and I do know that going there won't magically fix everything. It will pain me for sure. But over the years I've grown to discern two kinds of pain. One that comes from the outside, numbs you down completely, making you feel negligible and out of place. And another that derives from you, cuts through you and somehow it feels more intense. It's like an active one because it makes you want to protect with your whole being the thing you value most.

What also scares me is that my mom said that I'll end up in the streets if I don't secure myself with a good job so I guess that also leaves me in this state right now. She exemplified it even with a friend of ours who went to study arts, ended up as an art teacher and his wife left him because he couldn't give her anything.

I do know that I want to be surrounded by art and love, kindness, understanding and connection. And I don't think I would be able to forgive myself if I end up as harsh, cruel and cold as the environment around me.

I want to hear someone's opinion on that, perhaps someone even sharing such situation they've found themselves in.

When I was a kid and a young teenager as well, I never liked my body. I was restricting, going to the gym just to fix it and nothing worked until last year when I was sixteen years old I started losing weight just like that and continued leaning towards it. I loved how my body looked then but I wasn't feeling like myself, I was anxious all the time. And I was barely eating, at the time I thought I was eating a lot. But it wasn't, it hurt me quite much to the point I had moments where I know I would've fainted because of my blackouts that lasted several minutes.

Right now I love my body, I'm eating more but I keep clinging to checking my weight thinking I should change it but also not. It's weird, I don't want to check the weight because I know that it doesn't measure anything and that my body hasn't changed just because it fluctuates sometimes. And I want to let go of that chapter of my life once and for all. I want to stop thinking about food as something that I have to look out for.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, we started dating when I was 15 and he 14. There's this specific pattern that happens for the third time, I assume. Me and him are long distance, and sometimes he gets tangled in some online friend groups where later he ends up being attacked by them. And those people would argue that his behaviour is unacceptable and that he doesn't respect me. Like, lately some guy who was a friend of my boyfriend's friend started talking to me and we were chatting quite often about a lot of stuff. And he was even kind of hitting on me. Then some drama occurred between my boyfriend and his friend. Consequently, this guy decided to have a word in that drama even though it had nothing to do with him and he started pointing out how my boyfriend doesn't deserve me, that I should break up with him and so on. Anyway, this whole situation resulted in my boyfriend cutting contact with that friend group as well. What always leaves me perplexed is how people view him. Because in their eyes, they assume I'm a damsel in distress and that I can't save myself. A lot of people have asked me "how are you with him even". Yes, he's chaotic and exceptionally unfiltered. But it hurts me when people try to bring the worst out of him in my eyes and don't seem to understand what I see in him. Because this chaos is what makes me feel safe. He holds my feelings whenever they get too much and never demands me to be any less than that. And I've seen the way he looks at me when we get to be together, and the way he talks about me in front of everyone.

I feel like I’ve messed up everything. I had my first English exam yesterday. Back in January, I was planning to take the c1, but everyone around me, my family and my course teachers, told me I had nothing to lose by going for the c2 instead. Now that the storm has passed, I can’t stop thinking about what happened yesterday.
When I first saw the use of English and reading sections, they actually seemed easier than the practice tests I’d done before. But now that I’m recalling my answers for the first exercise, it feels like I made massive mistakes. By the time I reached the writing part, my head was already hurting. Throughout the whole year, I’ve consistently had A’s in my writing and speaking, but yesterday I just couldn’t come up with synonyms. I stayed within the word count because I was trying to stick to the topic without adding irrelevant fluff. On the speaking part, I felt like I didn't do anything either. My partner kept telling me afterward that I did fine, but I was caught off guard by one of the questions. I even told the examiners right then and there that I hadn't expected the question and didn't have much to say on it. As for the listening... I genuinely have no idea what happened there 😭
Overall, it felt like I was being tested psychologically rather than linguistically. We barely had any breaks. They were all 5 minutes between parts except for the one between the listening and the speaking which was 2 hours.
Anyway, I want to stop thinking about that but i can’t. C1 is enough for my education when I graduate high school, but I guess I felt a sense of need to prove to myself, and maybe others, by getting that c2.