u/darkmagicbabe

Get ready for a long read.

I (24F) am having my first child, due in January. Since we found out the gender in August, I’ve been wanting to start planning the baby shower. So, I’ve been trying to round up my MIL, and my mom so they could plan together. I suggested making a group chat with all three of us but my mom said “she hates group chats” so I asked her to give her a call. I let her know my MIL schedule so she could call when she was available, because she insisted on making the call. She kept on forgetting to call her throughout September. My mother also kept on going back and forth, telling me at one point I shouldn’t even have a baby shower. We wanted to have the baby shower on November 1st and all the of delays were stressing me out, due to I felt not giving enough time for RSVP’s. We waited two months for my mom to make up her mind or call or even text. I didn’t know what my mom wanted, so I took it into my own hands and started planning it out with my MIL. Yes I’m aware MIL could text or call but my mom kept on saying she wanted to.

The father has a very large family, so we decided that doing two separate baby showers. One for his side, and one for my side of the family. This is something I was happy with, and MIL made sure that it was what I wanted. Because of the uncertainty with my mother, I thought hey well at least I’ll have one guaranteed baby shower lol. I thought it was a good idea, so I could have enough one on one time with everyone. So, I told my parents the plans. They were absolutely livid. They are calling his family stuck up, saying that “they think they’re better than us” she doesn’t really know them so I don’t understand where she came to this conclusion? And so I tried to explain to her, that it was something we discussed together and thought it would be the best plan several times, but my mom continued to talk shit, and try to fight with me. I was put in a position where I’m defending my MIL for a decision we both made. It got to the point where I was begging her to just stop, because of how upset it was making me and she still does not stop to this day.

I’ve had a very rough pregnancy, I’ve been fairly ill & the father struggling, recently going in rehab. I was really looking forward to planning something positive for the baby and I, and I feel like any happiness or hope I had left has been completely obliterated. My in laws have been helping me a lot during this process, whereas my own parents have been shaming me my entire pregnancy. I’ve been coming to my MIL for most of my random questions regarding pregnancy because my mom has shown me she is not a safe person to come to. She has always been this way, micromanaging what I wear, what I say, etc. her attitude has been exacerbated while I’m expecting.

She also wants to be in the delivery room, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with that idea. Pretty much ever since I had the positive test, I decided I only wanted the father in the delivery room. She tells me “she wants to be my coach” and I said “I don’t want you to be my coach, I want you to be my mom.” And now she’s lingering on that and upset about that. I can understand how she may feel like she’s being shot down, and that can be upsetting, but not once has she shown regard for my own feelings. I have been managing her feelings regarding my birth and pregnancy choices, playing mediator and explaining myself when I shouldn’t have to, and not once has she stopped and asked me what I want. My whole childhood and teen hood looked like this. I think she imagined this going her way, and the fact that it’s not, she’s losing it. She’s losing control over me, and she can’t handle that.

So basically, I’ve heard horror stories about in laws regarding pregnancy, but mine is my biological family. I just don’t know what to do. It’s making me really not wanting to have them involved in me or my child’s life. I know that sounds dramatic, but watching her react in this way made me have some epiphanies about my upbringing and I don’t want my child to go through the chronic invalidation that I did. That she doesn’t ever really regard my feelings. The baby shower is a celebration of my transition into motherhood and she’s throwing a tantrum about the fact that it’s not going the way she wants. Also lots of other messed up stuff. What did you do when a parent (in law or not) over stepped?

TL;DR: Mom is upset that I planned the baby shower with my MIL because she couldn’t make up her mind for months, became seriously upset. Wants to micromanage what I do, very upset I’m paving my own path & it’s making me want to distance myself

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