u/dio_Leg55

My story, Im suffering of Suicidal ideation(active one)for over 3 years (not all the time ,I can say most of it)also diagnosed with ADHD and Ik what is like to be depressed and how is it feeling like a burden and the feeling of not to get off your bed . And when ppl notice that they say your life is just fine you don't have any massive problems in your life and that stuff and that kinda makes it 10 times worse to remind me what I actually am and how they feel about me and makes me think how worthless I am and also the fact that everythingis goingjust perfect in my life and don'thave anything to feel this way ,and deep inside ik that it's not like real or smt its just me thinking this way but it is really tiring me up more than I really was . I'm a high masking person tho so it is very unlikely for one to tell what is going on inside. And lately with the hypomania kicked in, things have gotten worse than ever and for the past 2 weeks I felt like nothing . Felt exhausted and numb and suicidal nothing seems the way it was before . To the point my mom noticed that and started talking to me that if there was smt bothering me I can tell her but fr there isn't a single thing like that it's just me being me because I couldn't keep up covering my down this time as it is always and I'm really disgusted by myself for reaching this point and I can't commit anything because I don't want to make my mom sad so I'm basically stuck , everyone has high expectations for me with a bright future and great career but can I really keep up with the point of their expectations of me while I'm being this thing I've became? I can't do this anymore, I mean I can and I will obviously but I can't do this any freaking more

My story, Im suffering of Suicidal ideation(active one)for over 3 years (not all the time ,I can say most of it)also diagnosed with ADHD and Ik what is like to be depressed and how is it feeling like a burden and the feeling of not to get off your bed . And when ppl notice that they say your life is just fine you don't have any massive problems in your life and that stuff and that kinda makes it 10 times worse to remind me what I actually am and how they feel about me and makes me think how worthless I am and also the fact that everythingis goingjust perfect in my life and don'thave anything to feel this way ,and deep inside ik that it's not like real or smt its just me thinking this way but it is really tiring me up more than I really was . I'm a high masking person tho so it is very unlikely for one to tell what is going on inside. And lately with the hypomania kicked in, things have gotten worse than ever and for the past 2 weeks I felt like nothing . Felt exhausted and numb and suicidal nothing seems the way it was before . To the point my mom noticed that and started talking to me that if there was smt bothering me I can tell her but fr there isn't a single thing like that it's just me being me because I couldn't keep up covering my down this time as it is always and I'm really disgusted by myself for reaching this point and I can't commit anything because I don't want to make my mom sad so I'm basically stuck , everyone has high expectations for me with a bright future and great career but can I really keep up with the point of their expectations of me while I'm being this thing I've became? I can't do this anymore, I mean I can and I will obviously but I can't do this any freaking more

My story, Im suffering of Suicidal ideation(active one)for over 3 years (not all the time ,I can say most of it)also diagnosed with ADHD and Ik what is like to be depressed and how is it feeling like a burden and the feeling of not to get off your bed . And when ppl notice that they say your life is just fine you don't have any massive problems in your life and that stuff and that kinda makes it 10 times worse to remind me what I actually am and how they feel about me and makes me think how worthless I am and also the fact that everythingis goingjust perfect in my life and don'thave anything to feel this way ,and deep inside ik that it's not like real or smt its just me thinking this way but it is really tiring me up more than I really was . I'm a high masking person tho so it is very unlikely for one to tell what is going on inside. And lately with the hypomania kicked in, things have gotten worse than ever and for the past 2 weeks I felt like nothing . Felt exhausted and numb and suicidal nothing seems the way it was before . To the point my mom noticed that and started talking to me that if there was smt bothering me I can tell her but fr there isn't a single thing like that it's just me being me because I couldn't keep up covering my down this time as it is always and I'm really disgusted by myself for reaching this point and I can't commit anything because I don't want to make my mom sad so I'm basically stuck , everyone has high expectations for me with a bright future and great career but can I really keep up with the point of their expectations of me while I'm being this thing I've became? I can't do this anymore, I mean I can and I will obviously but I can't do this any freaking more

Im 22yo biological male(unfortunately),Soooo newly i discovered that I don't want to be a male anymore (ngl I was this way since eternity but I just kept ignoring) so I really want to know as smn lives in here how can I buy the needed meds ،what are they, the roots? can I do it while I'm here by myself, would I face any legal problems? and how to start, when is the best time

What is happening and why can anyone explain that ?

I'm diagnosed with ADHD and I've got a lot of suicidal ideation and sometimes planing and searching. I don't even know if Im even depressed because I find no reason to me to be depressed and Idk what is happening AM I faking depression? Or what am I doing why is this way like yeh I be in numbness state whenever I'm alone but when Im around ppl i seem cheerful and joking and stuff and also when Im by myself I feel swings in my energy state like it could be that I'm suicidal the next minute I forgot about that vice versa. And swings between the psychomotor agitation and retardation and my self image is too swings and sometimes is forgotten idk if I have the criteria for depression anymore but at the same I get suicidal so often .

اذا في حدا هون اتمنى ترد لانه عندي كذا سؤال

Is it just me?

Is it just me feeling the fluctuations in my energy with the depressed mood and sometimes it feels like i can do stuff and I'm not depressed and this last for few minutes to hours, this is also applied to suicide thoughts they vary, like sometimes I feel like I'm doing it rn and it insists on me to do some times it's passive and others no feeling not like it and all happens at the same day

Like this shit is making me tired of which what if I'm just faking and I'm just fine . Like am I the only one who's just being this way or has this happened to anyone or happening,I'm just this way for three years an now I think what if all I felt was me just overreacting or I'm just normal and faking stuff .I'M TIRED

Is it just me feeling the fluctuations in my energy with the depressed mood and sometimes it feels like i can do stuff and I'm not depressed and this last for few minutes to hours, this is also applied to suicide thoughts they vary, like sometimes I feel like I'm doing it rn and it insists on me to do some times it's passive and others no feeling not like it and happens at the same day

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So the story starts when I was 9 yo now I'm 23yo I believe it doesn't affect me no more. When I was 9 yO had a friend who is 2-3 years older than me in some winter night we were heading to my home after a lesson about a certain subject. It wasn't only me and him there were other older boys and I was the youngest among them all , the oldest was 4 or 5 years older than me on the road we were walking to my home then they get to theirs, but before that while we were walking they started to explain sex to me

, I didn't know anything about that back them and I seemed like curious about it and that friend of mine said we can try that and I said yes I didn't know back then it is smt that is wrong even tho my parents told me not to do so such things but my curiosity and Impulsivity took over and I said alright let's do it other boys there were who said no don't go and those who said yes go

. So I went Obviously I was the weak there and got dominated on by the other boy , back then I didn't understand anything, then after that went back to my house,found my dad waiting for me with a belt in his hand and all the sudden smn saw me and told them my parents after that I got hit by him and my mom was watching that , it was a lot to the point I stopped breathing from crying

Now Idk if that Me doing that as a kid makes me guilty or is it just OK??

Note that : i love my family