u/dolliztew

I did a soul binding spell yesterday cuz i was frustrated and losing it completely losing it.

i was okay till now but i started feeling so much guilt n regret and my heart felt heavy.

and i was 100% sure i want him back before but today i just suddenly wasn’t sure anymore because i don’t know what it will be like. thinking back to our relationship it was infact a bit draining and thinking abt reconnection now i know it’d be emotional n very intense.

at some point I WANT HIM I WANT US but at some point i just don’t think it’s worth it anymore and idk why.

First time praying to forget you instead of praying for you to come back.

I don’t know what it is, but today I suddenly felt this wave of reality, and I can’t make myself go through this anymore. You left me, and I lost myself, bro. Like, genuinely lost myself.

I started doing sins I promised myself I would never do just to find a way to cope with the pain, or because I thought that was the only way I’d be able to calm down. I literally can’t get myself to correctly love somebody new because I gave all my love to you. I don’t know how to love somebody new or how to give somebody new that kind of love, and every time I talk to someone new, I compare them to you.
Every time something happens, I want to text you. I want to tell you.

The worst thing is that my friends are getting harsh with me, and I can’t deal with that. I know it’s been 8 months, and I’ve been stuck on this, but I can’t deal with people being harsh with me, even if they think that’s the only way I’ll understand.

I want to say that whatever we had lost its value when you decided to leave me, but I can’t bring myself to genuinely mean that.

And I can’t believe that I asked God in my last prayer to make me forget you and remove my feelings for you, when I usually prayed for almost 2 years just to be with you.

I asked God to let me be with you in every prayer, and now I just wish you were erased from my mind.
I wonder what it would be like if you were still here, and if you never left.

I wonder what it would be like if we both would’ve been able to be together and keep a stable relationship.

There are so many what-ifs that I wish could stop running through my mind.

But you took over my mind and heart, and I hate that.

It’s almost like my soul is yours now.

I hate that. I really hate that.

I never thought loving someone could be this painful

and i loved loving you which is still do it brings me some kind of comfort but it also hurts so much. it hurts so much i can physically feel it

from the very first interaction with you i could feel it deep in my heart that i was already connected to you and somehow it stayed till this day.

i feel connected to you even tho it’s been 8 months we’ve been apart and i just feel the connection getting stronger for some reason

it’s like you never left but it’s also like all you did was leaving.

it’s like you’re nowhere to be found but you’re also everywhere.

and i’d do everything to just hear an i love you from you again

and why does it feel so hard to move forward. why can’t i love myself the way i love you?

i had a talk with my friend today.

she told me that sometimes it feels like i’m selling my soul to my ex because of how much losing him has consumed me.

she said that if it was healthy love, i’d still feel like my own person, even after losing someone who was such a big part of my life.

then she said something that really stuck with me:
“getting your ex back is harder than getting yourself back.” and she’s right.

somewhere along the way, i completely lost myself.
so if there’s one thing i want to say before it’s too late, it’s this:

please always love yourself more than you love somebody else.

today i was listening to one of joji’s songs and i realized i’ve somehow connected almost every song he’s released to you.

then i looked out the window and saw a shooting star.

i wished for you to come back.

that’s the only thing i can think of that would actually make me happy.

i love you insanely.

I miss him so much i don’t know how much longer i can take this.

ever since he’s gone i genuienly don’t see the point in living anymore and i don’t feel like it anymore.

everytime i listen to our song my heart breaks because i genuinely can’t take it he is the only person that brought me happiness and i don’t know how to deal with his absence and the fact i can’t reach out to him is even worse.

i keep dreaming about him and it just keeps getting worse it’s been 8 months and i can’t do this anymore i don’t wanna do this anymore i just want my baby back.

what should i do ? i really need help

sometimes i think dying is better than missing my ex what do i even do abt this

When me and my ex broke up i was completely crashing out on social media but then one day this guy texted me and he said you need to let go and then i told him everything about it n i was like you’re probably gonna send this to some gc n make fun of me because i had a lot of ppl making fun of me venting on my account during that time.
however he said no i’m not here to make fun of u im here to help you you clearly need help.

and honestly i thought of removing him at first when he followed me but wtv i decided yk what his acc seems pretty cool so lemme follow him back and he was there for me so many times when my ex deleted his account and i cried in the school bathroom he told me to breathe and count to calm myself down.
whenever i told him abt my struggles for example selfharm he was so understanding and he used to do it too so i felt so understood.

and i had another friend that was always flirting with me and i told the guy about it and he said he thinks that my friend likes me and i said i don’t think so i mean i thought it’d just joking around then he said “if he’s joking around like that with you knowing your situation and how u miss your ex that’s messed up” but then the next day the guy started flirting w me too.

and we always kept joking around and we had this one conversation where i asked him “do you hate me” and he was like “no i love you” and i was like “idk why you’re lying” and he was like “i would never lie about loving you why would you paint me this way” and then he said “so don’t be surprised when i get you.” a joke right? but it hit me so much more idk.

then he deactivated his account one day and months later he came back saying he got his ex pregnant he fucked up but they aborted it n that they stopped talking to each other.
we started talking again and reconnecting and we had this conversation about relationships. he said i deserve much better than what i get he said because im cute and hilarious.

and i said aw thank you you deserve the best too but then he said no i’m fucked up that he gets mean in relationship and avoidant and wtv n we had a convo abt that.

then he said one second ill be back and then i got left on delivered for 2 weeks while he keeps following new ppl..

i don’t know what to do because at some point i want him so bad but i know it isn’t good for me idk. and at some point im unsure of him too because i do miss my ex a lot.

basically i was dating this guy for like 8 months and he had done this before where he just deleted all his accounts and stuff, then came back days later apologizing and explaining why he did it.
we were dating on krp and i wanted to take things out of character with him. when i asked him if we could, we were literally about to, but instead of giving me his number or personal accounts he just deactivated. i was really sad because i didn’t
understand why he did that, but when he reached out again and explained everything i was okay again.
we started dating again and everything was good, except i started becoming really anxious about everything. i was constantly scared that he would leave without explaining again, and that’s when all the arguing started.

i started seeking constant reassurance. i would send him paragraphs every morning about how i felt and how i wanted him to give me more attention. he always reassured me and i know it was probably draining af, but he stayed.

we continued dating, but around december i noticed he was getting more distant. i kept asking him like “please tell me what’s wrong, just talk to me” and stuff like that.

then he told me we should talk. i asked him what was wrong and he said “i don’t know how to do this.” i immediately asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said he felt like we had to because it wasn’t healthy anymore and he felt like all he did was hurt me.

i begged him to stay, but he decided to leave. then again, he deleted his account.

i was really sad, but i tried to be fine. i tried to be okay and i tried my best for like 3 days, but i just couldn’t do it. so i texted him on pinterest, and 6 days later he replied.

he told me he missed me and that he knew he shouldn’t be texting me, but he just missed me.
we started talking again, and after a few days i asked him if we were planning on getting back together or if he just wanted to talk.

he said that he left because he genuinely wanted me to be happy, so now he just wanted to talk.

i got really mad and asked him if he even loved me. he said “yes, i love you more than anything and anyone. maybe that’s what i’m afraid of.”

and i just lost it. i was so angry because i didn’t understand. i told him i didn’t want to hear “we can’t,” i wanted to hear “we won’t” or that he just didn’t want to be with me.

then he said “we won’t.”

that’s when i completely crashed out. i said i didn’t want to continue talking, that he should never come back, and if he did he shouldn’t expect me to take him back. i told him he was dead to me, that nothing he said made sense, and i said a lot of hurtful things.
i regret all of those words.

after that he deleted his account again and i’ve never heard from him since.

it’s been 8 months and there hasn’t been a single day where i haven’t missed him. i keep dreaming about him and it hurts so much when i wake up. i genuinely wish i could talk to him again.
the only place i could even try to contact him is roblox, and i’ve sent messages there, but i think he either deleted roblox or logged out because i haven’t gotten anything back.

i’m just really hurt. sometimes it hurts so much that i can physically feel it and i don’t know what to do anymore.

did i ruin this? did he actually love me? i don’t know how to move on from someone i still miss every single day.

Do you guys think me and him will eventually reconnect somehow? I need help because i can’t deal with this pain anymore