u/downfor_you-isup

Dahil di naman nasusukat sa edad ang pagiging mature

I’ve been jerking off online with strangers—constantly feeling bad how they only want sex and don’t treat me as a genuine friend. It has become a short term antidote to my loneliness as someone who never really had anyone to talk to ever since I was younger. Never had a space to fully out myself. I compared myself to them and made myself feel insecure for years.

I grew to hate the bed I’vs been sleeping on. Pero like Ms. Olivia Rodrigo said “but its me who’s been making the bed”.

I may have missed connections that would have been genuine pero I don’t know any other language besides horniness or self loathe. I wanted genuine human connection but I push people away or lure them with my horniness only to push them away after.

I used to be insecure on how attractive other guys are—how they have muscles, how they party, how theu have experienced being in relationships. When a guy I find attractive says I’m attractive, my mind is quick to say no—that instead of content, I just compare his muscles to my unmuscular build.

But I think the main issue is not those, I know now that I don’t know how to fully grow up as an adult—recognize I’m no longer an awkward quiet kid in class pre teen

But I know I can be better. I just don’t know how to.

As the UPCAT is this weekend, some will pass, majority won’t.

I’m a closeted 18 year old guy and have just taken the UPCAT. I didn’t really get to study much due to my sslg position na pangarap ko lang dati. I reviewed this week lang kaya Math at Science medyo ligwak. Pero di naman to college admission subreddit eh kaya bahala na.

The reason I am posting here is because of a lot of things in my mind.

First is a guy I have known for quite a while now, online friend or LDR, ewan ko. I have developed an unhealthy obsession wity him, building up an image of what me and him would be like if we were closer in distance. Parang di ko kaya makatulog hangat di ako nag dadaydream about us. And si guy naman, libog lang hanap. I know that pero still I attach myself to him kasi I never really felt this close to someone before especially as a shy person pa.

And dahil nga libog lang hanap niya, pagtapos ng libog wala na. Somehow, I also compare his sexual experiences and my lack of. Though alam ko naman na I should wait, feel ko lang that him already having sexual experiences signals a kind of confidenceb required to have experienced it—something I do not have. Pag kwinekwento niya sakin experiences niya, naiinsecure ako sa sarili ko pero at the same time nadudurog puso dahil he’s able to do those things even if its not with me.

I compare myself a lot with him talaga—physical appearance , experiences, lifestyle. His face and body is more developed compared to mine. He has muscles cause he works out, though I know that I can change that naman.

brought up UPCAT kasi I have been taking mock tests na mababa scores. Tapos siya ang taas especially sa Math. Although junior high valedictorian siya at ako hindi, parang that made me comparing myself to him more heavy.

I tried removing myself from him several times but I keep coming back because I felt lonely. That me keeping this with him is poison, but its something I can endure compared to loneliness.

Medyo sad na di ko sineryoso UPCAT review ko since going to a college far from home is one thing I crave. Kasi I think my lack of autonomy over day to day life is a huge factor—kahit nga anong damit ang nasa closet ko or anong hairstyle ko is not 100% in my control.

Idk ano hinahanap ko sainyo but I know that I am missing something or a lot of things hence why I feel this way. And I won’t be able to find it unless I talk to someone. Since I don’t really have any strong emotional support (+ closeted) I figured okay na kahot reddit post nalang. Ayoko naman din kasi na di siya ilet out, no matter how childish this may be, kasi I really want to improve my life. This has been going on too long.

Personal experience 2 days lang ako nag full day review sa UPCAT, mataas naman Reading Comprehension at Language Proficiency ko sa mock tests. For Math and Science usually 50% or below. But the past is in the past.

As someone aiming sa Big 4 and did not really review well for UPCAT, what review strategies can I do to makeup for ACET, DCAT, and USTET

Ps:

I regret not starting early in reviewing especially Math and Science portions. I have taken mock tests yet I always score lower than 50% in Mathematics. I bought a Maroon Bluebook a few months ago that I barely used because of other responsibilities I had to attend to.

I’m greatful for my extracurriculars and would still pursue them if I can turn back time. But I guess you have to choose one lang talaga, nagkataon lang na I didn’t choose reviewing for UPCAT dahil matagal ko nang pangarap yung mayron ako ngayon. At di ko naman din kinaya na puro grind lang.

I started indepth review yesterday and I must say I’m glad to at least get a grasp on a few stuff like basic algebraic equations and factoring—-two things I barely knew only a week ago. Pero di lang naman basic foundations ang UPCAT. And when I finally did touch my Maroon Bluebook, kulelat. Sa 10 questions siguro mga 3 or less lang ang natatama ko tas madami blanko kasi I don’t have the proper foundations to stack several mathematic concepts together.

I regret not fully retaining my Math lessons in Junior High School dahil pagtapos ng exams kinakalimutan ko na sila. I regret not asking for help when I didn’t understand anything. I regret not trying to know what approach would be the best for me in studying. I regret not caring about CETS until a few months ago, I regret not taking action until a few days ago.

Pero I’m glad that at least I’m seeing myself understand these Math questions and slowly build the foundations. Its too late for me to do much since bukas na yung UPCAT and cramming will only stress me more + make me lose sleep. Gagawin ko nalang siya as a pre-test para sa mga upcoming cets.

Now, I plan to study for ACET the day after UPCAT. This time, I know my mistake. I know how to study, and I won’t cram that much as compared to UPCAT. Although the challenge is harder since I can’t fully afford Ateneo, so I’m also aiming for a scholarship so I can fulfill my dream of being a Big 4 student as a consecutive honor student. I feel so bittersweet knowing that I let the opportunity of studying at UP for granted. But knowing me, I wouldn’t have learned this if it weren’t for my experience. I’m a stubborn person.

Para sa mga Grade 11 students dito, try to find time to study even just 20 minutes per day. Para malaman niyo na what works best for you guys and avoid taking the UPCAT for granted.

Good luck to us UPCAT takers 🌻

I regret not starting early in reviewing especially Math and Science portions. I have taken mock tests yet I always score lower than 50% in Mathematics. I bought a Maroon Bluebook a few months ago that I barely used because of other responsibilities I had to attend to.

I’m greatful for my extracurriculars and would still pursue them if I can turn back time. But I guess you have to choose one lang talaga, nagkataon lang na I didn’t choose reviewing for UPCAT dahil matagal ko nang pangarap yung mayron ako ngayon. At di ko naman din kinaya na puro grind lang.

I started indepth review yesterday and I must say I’m glad to at least get a grasp on a few stuff like basic algebraic equations and factoring—-two things I barely knew only a week ago. Pero di lang naman basic foundations ang UPCAT. And when I finally did touch my Maroon Bluebook, kulelat. Sa 10 questions siguro mga 3 or less lang ang natatama ko tas madami blanko kasi I don’t have the proper foundations to stack several mathematic concepts together.

I regret not fully retaining my Math lessons in Junior High School dahil pagtapos ng exams kinakalimutan ko na sila. I regret not asking for help when I didn’t understand anything. I regret not trying to know what approach would be the best for me in studying. I regret not caring about CETS until a few months ago, I regret not taking action until a few days ago.

Pero I’m glad that at least I’m seeing myself understand these Math questions and slowly build the foundations. Its too late for me to do much since bukas na yung UPCAT and cramming will only stress me more + make me lose sleep. Gagawin ko nalang siya as a pre-test para sa mga upcoming cets.

Now, I plan to study for ACET the day after UPCAT. This time, I know my mistake. I know how to study, and I won’t cram that much as compared to UPCAT. Although the challenge is harder since I can’t fully afford Ateneo, so I’m also aiming for a scholarship so I can fulfill my dream of being a Big 4 student as a consecutive honor student. I feel so bittersweet knowing that I let the opportunity of studying at UP for granted. But knowing me, I wouldn’t have learned this if it weren’t for my experience. I’m a stubborn person.

Para sa mga Grade 11 students dito, try to find time to study even just 20 minutes per day. Para malaman niyo na what works best for you guys and avoid taking the UPCAT for granted.

I’ve been reviewing and taking mock tests for weeks yet the highest score I receive in Math is lower than 50%. It sucks that my foundation is weak. Honor student naman ako and my grade in Math lies around 85-95. Although I think I learn better if there is a teacher explaining everything first—a mistake I did when I did not enroll in any review center.

Dream program ko is film^^

I’m entering my final year of High School in a few days as class president, my first time at this huge role. I’ve grown a lot I’d say in High School. In 9th Grade I was very shy, but I started joining contests and extracurriculars by 10th Grade. I’m still shy, but a shy student council President at least.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed because I have a lot of responsibilities now with that role. Don’t get me wrong I love doing those tasks as President, but I have to do a butload of other things too. Like I have an incoming College Entrance Exam in 30 days, for the most prestigious state university in my country. My peers started reviewing, even paying tutors, months ago. I haven’t really. I’m so behind with my Math & Science skills that I don’t really put effort into it anymore. Even the best honor students don’t pass because the admission rate is so low, competing with every Grade 12 student in the country. Besides, I don’t really think I’m going to pursue the degree program I enlisted during the application. I don’t actually know what degree program to take. And there’s still academics and other responsibilities for my other roles.

Yet I feel like I’m so behind even at the highest position a student could have. Sometimes I feel like an impostor because this is really my first shot being a student leader. I’m going to be an Adult soon and I don’t want to waste my youth. I want to have fun but I don’t know how. So I’m not really the top student with high grades, several awards, reputation, and an earned confidence (shockingly people like these actually exist), nor the student who has average grades but is enjoying his teenage years with his friends. And for that, I really despise myself.

I’m entering my final year of High School in a few days as class president, my first time at this huge role. I’ve grown a lot I’d say in High School. In 9th Grade I was very shy, but I started joining contests and extracurriculars by 10th Grade. I’m still shy, but a shy student council President at least.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed because I have a lot of responsibilities now with that role. Don’t get me wrong I love doing those tasks as President, but I have to do a butload of other things too. Like I have an incoming College Entrance Exam in 30 days, for the most prestigious state university in my country. My peers started reviewing, even paying tutors, months ago. I haven’t really. I’m so behind with my Math & Science skills that I don’t really put effort into it anymore. Even the best honor students don’t pass because the admission rate is so low, competing with every Grade 12 student in the country. Besides, I don’t really think I’m going to pursue the degree program I enlisted during the application. I don’t actually know what degree program to take. And there’s still academics and other responsibilities for my other roles.

Yet I feel like I’m so behind even at the highest position a student could have. Sometimes I feel like an impostor because this is really my first shot being a student leader. I’m going to be an Adult soon and I don’t want to waste my youth. I want to have fun but I don’t know how. So I’m not really the top student with high grades, several awards, reputation, and an earned confidence (shockingly people like these actually exist), nor the student who has average grades but is enjoying his teenage years with his friends. And for that, I really despise myself.

Besides going to the mall

I’m currently in that “awkward stage” that used to define adolescence. I am using the term “used to” because a lot of teens skip this stage nowadays—looking fully mature and seeking experiences beyond and all. However I’m no longer a preteen. In a few months I’ll be 18 already.

I consider myself being in that stage due to several factors. First my physical appearance. I have quite a soft jawline that has very slowly developed over the years, coupled with cheeks that are fuller than guys my age. I’m very baby faced and look 14-15 instead of my actual age. My hair is in a state of mess, ive spent so many years having a very messy fringe. I have a middle part now that ive had for a few months, which i say suits me better. But I’m not stylish with it, it’s still frizzled a bit even when I try to style it. My face hasn’t matured yet, not even a late teen matured kind like a lot of guys in my class have. I also have a slim frame with narrow shoulders, coupled by a “skinny fat” physique. I have a normal BMI though.

And as for fashion, I don’t have the kind of money to buy my own clothes. My parents usually buy my clothes for me, sometimes I get to choose, sometimes they just randomly appear in my closet. And a lot of these clothes are a little oversized as my parents believe that I’ll grow further, so they won’t have to buy clothes again and again. You can imagine those would look. But at least they let me give away some of those clothes, meaning I’ll get to have new ones, hopefully ones I pick myself.

Next is physical capability. I still struggle to do a normal pushup. Unlike every other guy my age, I don’t play sports nor am I interested in it. So ive spent some time practicing using wall pushups and have recently transitioned to elevated pushups. But man, after only a couple of them, my body already gets sore, making it hard for me to move. My dad was right when he said I wouldn’t be able to handle going to the gym. But I have tried lifting weights, secretly, in the past but I’ve spent days just trying to recover from a 5 minute workout. I guess elevated pushups and 30 second planks will do for now.

Another is socially. I’ve started puberty literally during the start of the pandemic. It was hard for me to make friends at that crucial point in my life as I didn’t really play video games and didn’t know, and didnt trust, spaces to make friends with. And up until now. Even before the pandemic I have always felt so disconnected from other guys. And when I was younger, my dad would literally get mad at me for it—fearing that I may become a “sissy”.

I got bullied in Middle School, not the physical kind. So I distanced myself from my peers a lot. When I started High School, when I got away from those kids, I tended to keep my walls high and play safe. I have never been invited to a party, nor have I thrown one (even for my Birthdays). I spend lunch in the library and weekends watching movies on our Television or going to my local theater. Sometimes when I’m alone outside, I’d see a couple of guys my age and wonder why I’m alone. Then when they become nearer and nearer, I pull my phone and pretend to be busy with something. I’ve learnt how to talk to people now, actually been initiating a lot of stuff in class groupworks. I also recently joined extracurriculars and do talk to people there when we need to work on something. But I’m still trying to learn how to make close friends as senior year is approaching in a few months.

I spend a lot of my summer midnights thinking. I have spent a lot of time being on the outside looking in. I feel as if 8th Grade was only a year ago when it would be 4 years now. It has only occured to me than I’m turning 18 soon. If I didnt know my age, if it were never revealed to me (or if I told another person everything about me), I would have assumed to be a 14 year old. I’d say to myself that it’s normal to be im this awkward stage during middle school, that I’ll soon grow into a young man who’s capable of being friended, that my shape would keep changing.

But I’m no longer 14. When I was 13 I wrote everyday in my journal. Back then I had hoped that I would look back at 18 years old and laugh off the stuff I had written. However, they all still ring true and close to my heart. I still feel like a 13 year old looking up to the High Schoolers who have close friends, go out a lot, have maturing faces, in good shape, and those who look like they’re having a hell of a time. I know enough that we’re all on our own path and I do accept that. Besides the idea of me looking like I’m in my 20s at 30 intrigues me. But I do feel like this has gone on for too long now and it really stops me from doing the things I want to do. Or just discovering what I want to do. It would have been fine but I really can’t say I’m happy with the life I am living. My mom says I have grown a lot and stepped outside my comfort zone as I went on to nationwide competitions and a fairly good academic standing (though im completely unaware as to what career/degree I want). But I still really feel nothing’s changed.

Awkward stage—-I guess a lot of people are either way past it due to life experiences or fully skipped it. But not all. Maybe I’m just comparing myself a lot as I havs nothing to do. That I’ve been feeding myself this idea for years as a coping method, stuck in this echo chamber. But it could just be because I’m still an adolescent and will be for longer.

TLDR: I feel completely stuck in the "awkward stage" of a 14-year-old as someone who’s gonna be 18 soon. Physically, I still have a baby face, a skinny-fat frame that struggles with basic workouts, and I wear oversized clothes chosen by my parents. Socially, the combination of middle school bullying and pandemic isolation left me keeping my walls high; I still spend my weekends alone and haven't figured out how to make close friends, despite taking small steps forward like joining extracurriculars. While I know I shouldn't compare myself to peers who seem so much more mature and experienced, I can't help but feel like an outsider looking in, frustrated that the exact same insecurities I journaled about at 13 still dictate my life and hold me back from being truly happy.

I have about 400 points sa SM CINEMA Account ko. Will I be able to translate this into a movie ticket even if non premium. Also need ba ipresent ID ko?

Meron ba dito sumali sa mga grant giving festivals like QCinema or Sine Kabataan? Curious lang since some of these need na may formed crew na, were you able to pursue the project even after rejection? If so, how?