u/f0xd3nn

What's hitting me today and just hurting so bad is how I spent 4.5 years giving her every means of love I could figure out how to give her.

Homemade meals, gifts, taking her to experiences I thought were so special, listening and talking her through every hard time she had, constantly encouraging in building her up with my words, I was being there for her.

But in the end I was reduced down to this little list she texted me of needs and vulnerabilities I had that she didn't like about me, and one of the last things I ever asked her was if she knew I loved her all these years, and all she could say was "I guess, in a way."

That's what really crushes me. Pouring every bit of love I could extract out of my world and soul for her for years all just meant nothing in the end in her eyes.

The last conversation we ever had when I knew it was over, I told her thank you for all the love and special times over the years, and how much I love her and I'll miss her. And all she had to say was all the things she found unattractive and too much about me.

It's not that I think the love I gave wasn't real, it's just that this private world of love that existed only for us now doesn't exist anymore because in her mind it was never real. It's all just this dream that only I had

What's hitting me today and just hurting so bad is how I spent 4.5 years giving her every means of love I could figure out how to give her.

Homemade meals, gifts, taking her to experiences I thought were so special, listening and talking her through every hard time she had, constantly encouraging in building her up with my words, I was being there for her.

But in the end I was reduced down to this little list she texted me of needs and vulnerabilities I had that she didn't like about me, and one of the last things I ever asked her was if she knew I loved her all these years, and all she could say was "I guess, in a way."

That's what really crushes me. Pouring every bit of love I could extract out of my world and soul for her for years all just meant nothing in the end in her eyes.

The last conversation we ever had when I knew it was over, I told her thank you for all the love and special times over the years, and how much I love her and I'll miss her. And all she had to say was all the things she found unattractive and too much about me.

I am completely destroyed by this.

I was with a woman for about 4.5 years. From the very beginning, she told me that she and her husband were separating, that their marriage was basically over, and that they were getting divorced, and I was the man she'd always wanted and I was so amazing and I was her soulmate. I believed her. I did not enter this thinking I was going to be someone’s hidden affair partner. I thought I was falling in love with someone who was leaving a dead marriage and building a real future with me.

But years go on and the divorce never happened. She stayed legally married the entire time. I stayed hidden. The most separation that ever happened was she'd spend half her nights at my place or her sisters place and the other half at her husbands place. There was always one more reason the divorce couldn’t happen yet, but every step of the way she kept promising me that we would be together for real soon.

I gave her everything I had. I was all the way in. I wanted to build a home with her, to help with her life, her child, everything. I begged her for the life she kept promising we would have and that she promised she wanted too. I begged her to choose me, to finally move forward, to make it real.

She would make me believe we were heading there. She would talk like I was her future, her soulmate, the only man she could ever want. But then nothing actually changed. The real life commitment never came.

She made me feel desired in a way I had never really felt before. She was my person. Every thought, fear, joke, work story, anxiety, hope I brought to her and it was all okay just because she heard it and was there. And she brought her life to me too, but she never needed me quite like I needed her. Despite the constant sadness and anxiety of waiting for her to choose me fully, life felt bearable because I she was in it.

But the reality was that she never did choose me.

She kept me believing that the life I wanted with her was just around the corner. When I put too much pressure on her to get the divorce and be with me for real she would breakup with me and come back a week or a month later and I promised extensively that I wouldn't pressure her. I was keeping my entire life on hold for her, while she remained married and I was hidden.

Eventually I did understand in the back of my mind the divorce was always something she talked about to keep me stuck, but not something she was really ever going to do. But it was too late, that was about 3.5 years in and I was too deeply attached to her to leave. So I just tried to hope I would find the strength to let go, while I actually just stayed fully attached knowing it was leading to my ruin.

Two weeks ago, she blindsided me with a breakup text and the blocked me on everything. I went into the deepest emotional crisis I've ever experienced.

I feel like I lost my entire connection to the world. She was my everything, my only home in the world. I don't have any support system whatsoever, no family at all.

I feel grief, denial, and deadly isolation all at once. Part of me knows she treated me badly. I know she led me on and used me. But I miss her so badly that none of that makes the pain go away.

I don't even know how to make it through this without any family or support system of safety net.

Any support, perspective, or kindness would mean a lot.

I was with a woman for about 4.5 years. From the very beginning, she told me that she and her husband were separating, that their marriage was basically over, and that they were getting divorced, and I was the man she'd always wanted and I was so amazing and I was her soulmate. I believed her. I did not enter this thinking I was going to be someone’s hidden affair partner. I thought I was falling in love with someone who was leaving a dead marriage and building a real future with me.

But years go on and the divorce never happened. She stayed legally married the entire time. I stayed hidden. The most separation that ever happened was she'd spend half her nights at my place or her sisters place and the other half at her husbands place. There was always one more reason the divorce couldn’t happen yet, but every step of the way she kept promising me that we would be together for real soon.

I gave her everything I had. I was all the way in. I wanted to build a home with her, to help with her life, her child, everything. I begged her for the life she kept promising we would have and that she promised she wanted too. I begged her to choose me, to finally move forward, to make it real.

She would make me believe we were heading there. She would talk like I was her future, her soulmate, the only man she could ever want. But then nothing actually changed. The real life commitment never came.

She made me feel desired in a way I had never really felt before. She was my person. Every thought, fear, joke, work story, anxiety, hope I brought to her and it was all okay just because she heard it and was there. And she brought her life to me too, but she never needed me quite like I needed her. Despite the constant sadness and anxiety of waiting for her to choose me fully, life felt bearable because I she was in it.

But the reality was that she never did choose me.

She kept me believing that the life I wanted with her was just around the corner. When I put too much pressure on her to get the divorce and be with me for real she would breakup with me and come back a week or a month later and I promised extensively that I wouldn't pressure her. I was keeping my entire life on hold for her, while she remained married and I was hidden.

Eventually I did understand in the back of my mind the divorce was always something she talked about to keep me stuck, but not something she was really ever going to do. But it was too late, that was about 3.5 years in and I was too deeply attached to her to leave. So I just tried to hope I would find the strength to let go, while I actually just stayed fully attached knowing it was leading to my ruin.

Two weeks ago, she blindsided me with a breakup text and the blocked me on everything. I went into the deepest emotional crisis I've ever experienced.

I feel like I lost my entire connection to the world. She was my everything, my only home in the world. I don't have any support system whatsoever, no family at all.

I feel grief, denial, and deadly isolation all at once. Part of me knows she treated me badly. I know she led me on and used me. But I miss her so badly that none of that makes the pain go away.

I don't even know how to make it through this without any family or support system of safety net.

Any support, perspective, or kindness would mean a lot.

I was born to two abusive parents. I don't think I ever left fight/flight and dissociated for my entire adolescence.

Until one day they kicked me out without warning and nowhere to go.

Just when I started to recover from that abandonment wound, I had a devastating accident and broke half of my spine. That accident traumatized and haunts me.

I only pulled through that because I had met a woman who said she would love me forever and she held my hand through it. She just left me last week on a whim through a text message after 4.5 years. My only support system was her.

I'm 30 years old. I don't get why everyone around me came from somewhere safe, landed somewhere safe, and has people who will be there for them. And all I have is just one tragedy after the next.

I can't take another one.

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