u/filtersweep

I seem to be in the early stages of a relationship with a wonderful woman. We have excellent chemistry, and relate very well with each other.

The other night, she told me how lonely she feels- despite a daughter and two grandchildren living nearby, an awesome career, etc.

While on one hand, I appreciate her emotional honesty. On the other hand, it turns me off- I want a woman to want to be with me to be with me- not because she is lonely.

I don’t know if I am just freaking out a bit because things are getting serious and I’m just looking for problems. But I don’t feel lonely. I don’t have any existential issues. Then again, both my kids still live at home. Also, I don’t want to ‘punish’ her for being honest.

Part of me thinks that any relationship is based on the concept of not being alone- of having someone to share life with. And that might be the same concept as ‘loneliness.’

What are your thoughts? I’m not putting too much weight on this. Maybe my reaction was about not wanting to feel responsible for her ‘loneliness.’

The last few (women over 50) partners have bled during or after sex.

Things didn’t feel dry. Is this normal?

Last night was with someone new- so discovering her and her body. But she asked me to completely stop a few times. I was married to a younger woman- so am new to women in their late 50s

Women I meet are financially independent, already have kids. A relationship would be a choice, but most women seem completely uncompromising in whatever vision of a relationship they envision.

For context, five years ago, I would have never imagined I would be divorced and dating.

I won't get into me and who I am-- but what are women looking for? They are beyond looking for a father and whatever reliable characteristics one seeks when starting a family.

I just feel like dating aims to find reasons NOT to be together-- and those reasons are easy to find. Whatever happened to going along for the ride to see what happened? A third of fourth date doesn't mean we have to spend the rest of our lives together.

I do the same things-- and one of two outcomes happens:

1- We get along great, do all sorts of social things, and I am perceived as a friend-- and there is no 'spark.'

2- We get along great. Are very intimate, seem to have good chemistry, but I am told I am not relationship material or she cannot envision being in a relationship with me.

I feel like women want a lover and a friend, but somehow won't let me be both.

What is this code for?

I am on Tinder, in my 50s. High income, excellent physical shape, extroverted, decent looking.

I have been on a series of short term relationships. I am looking for something long term. It usually goes something like this. Meet for coffee for a vibe check. Meet a second time— she invites me back to her place - assures me she ‘never brings men back to her place’. Everything goes great in every way imaginable— even by her own words.

At some point there is a day of radio silence, then the message ‘sorry, but I just can’t see myself in a relationship with you.’

Are these just serial daters? Is this guilt from treating me like a FWB?

Normally we date, go out to eat, movies, hikes— regular stuff. I am on a streak- four women since Christmas— same feedback. Same cycle. All four quit Tinder to ‘focus on me.’

It is making me cynical.

What does this mean?

Or is it just dating in our 50s? Where we problemize everything?

I didn’t think it mattered— and yet there are scanners.

Dec 27, 2023, I felt something was horribly wrong and had a talk with my wife. She suddenly wanted a divorce. She had been writing a book with a coworker- spending a lot of time. She INSISTED there was not another man.

I asked her many times— she said there was no one else. I went through hell- thinking she would rather be alone than with me. Hell. I blamed myself. I had felt dead inside. I could have been a better husband.

We agreed not to involve the kids. I kept the house. The kids blamed her for leaving anyway.

Fast forward to this fall 2025. I told my exwife that I was seeing someone. My wife seemed happy for me.

The kids noticed the coworker’s Netflix account on her TV. She said she couldn’t log in with hers, so she used his. They were just friends. Also, she started driving to work (downtown) and parked at his place - because it was free ( he lived downtown). Just friends.

This weekend she told me she was going to France on vacation. I found out from the kids it was with that man. I felt sick.

I called her— she said that she was seeing him since fall of 2025.

I was furious. So I sent HIS exwife a cryptic message- ‘Lets meet. I think we have something to talk about.’ I knew her because we did things socially when we were married.

She wanted to meet immediately.

When we met- we both immediately knew.

Her husband left her 4 days prior. Four days.

She told me the exact same story. Same non-reason for leaving. We talked for hours.

I felt my head spinning.

I never understood why this divorce was so easy for her- why there was zero interest in working on things.

All the pieces were there.

I don’t know exactly when it started, but I will never know.

The kids are 17 and 19. i told them. I don’t know that it was right or wrong. But I did. My divorce was never about me and my wife, it was about him and her.

I sent her some insane text messages and probably ruined her vacation. The kids refuse to take her calls or return her messages.

Our deal of not involving the kids is off— she never acted in good faith.

I am contemplating calling her mother— telling her she is always welcome in my house to see the kids, but she probably won’t see the kids at her place with her mother because…..

I need help: I am reliving my entire 2.5 year divorce all over again. I am consumed with rage. I was completely gaslit. I blamed myself for my divorce— was in a very bad place. I went through hell. She left the kids and me—- to be alone— because I was horrible. This is so evil. If she had told the truth, I could have accepted things. Everything would have made sense.

I don’t want this to turn into revenge. We were married nearly 25 years. I was feeling pretty OK until Monday- when I found out.

What to do?

Regarding his ex— I felt an insanely powerful attraction and bond- probably because of this shared trauma. Not sure were that will go. We are constantly messaging each other. I always liked her— in the past, it was always her and I versus my wife and her husband- because they got all into work topics.