it would be nice to have one and just be pleased by one but idk...its hard
the last time was maybe 6 years ago and it was really fucking bad and he just put it in. there was blood when I went to the toilet... it hurt. I never really wanted to do it and that made me deffo not want to again but ever since a few weeks ago, my minds been changed.
I felt a desire for it and finally did it this morning and it felt really fucking good kinda surprisingly since I never really thought id be into it except for in the last few weeks.
the guy I did it with isn't really into it and hes been kinda weird about the whole thing. saying its bad and ill get addicted to it etc etc...and no man will want to marry me
fuck my life.
met someone from Grindr ftft on Sunday. hes probably a grandpa and has kids older than me... plus I did it with my housemate... he wants a relationship but keeps threatening to leave me like everyday. I dont want one. but I dont wanna be alone either. also Im technically female but I may as well be a dinosaur.
sex with the Grindr guy...WOW! it was like I was high. he was smaller than I expected (in every way). but it was ok.
my house mate has a bigger frame though which is nice ...
anyway...
im 23 and idk wtf im doing every day
haven't had sex in 2.5yrs and this past month ive with 2 guys...
I can eat the whole house so when im with a man who isn't on my level it makes me feel weird and obese. this man is buying me food even when I tell him no and shoving it in my face telling me to eat even though I have my own food and aren't particularly hungry (I can always eat though) all the while hes eating for a 2 month old... ughhhhhh
I love food and will eat basically anything but if im with a guy who's not the same I just feel like we're not a match. I eat a lot probably because of my mental health issues so when im not eating as much I overall feel better so if a man is simultaneously low-key force feeding me and not eating, somethings not right...
a part of my finds it really stupid and cringe and embarrassing etc etc but another part of just finds it necessary at times.
cute childish things can bring me joy and comfort but they can also do the opposite and make me feel sort of hyper vigilant like I need to guard my stuff and make sure no one ever finds out and make sure people see me as "normal" and I do want to feel normal and not hyper vigilant ...
there's a desire to fully dive into this world but also a pull to not because of the danger that could come from it..I already feel like a freak lol but of course there are healthy ways to express and heal.. idk. just my thoughts
my baby ones taste different. this one is like chemically and I dont like it, like not food grade or whatever 😞
disappointing . gonna just use the baby ones...
I feel like a bitch (female dog, so the manliest of females)😭
I feel like such a freak.
I dont have any friends so I like looking at myself in the mirror as though im looking at a friend ...
but in order for that to happen, I need money, I need to get up and go get food, and that stuffs not really happening.
I should probably just sleep more but im finding it hard to relax properly
I go on it for hours everyday and have for the past 2 weeks probably.
im female though.
I know, such a first world problem but unfortunately that's the truth. im in debt tbh, well, fully in my overdraft.
met my house mate yesterday and she said she hadn't eaten all day and it was night by that point. I WISH I could do that and it not be unusual for me. like how people just "forget to eat"... I can't imagine that being my life. food is my armour. even though it doesnt really help.
sometimes I hate having money because I just waste it and then wanna die...but giving it to someone else also feels irresponsible or immature...
there's just this void and when im out and/or around people its filled a bit. but when im by myself, in my room, its big. im hungry. im never really hungry out and with others. I wish I could be normal and eat in public and around people but it doesnt feel necessary but I know it would be healthy to get to that point.
I know I should take better care of myself rather than just shoving food down my throat all the time and calling it a day.
I have called partners daddy because it just comes naturally but tbh that's just under sexual circumstances. its just comes up from my subconscious. when im aroused, it definitely triggers my "little space".
I haven't explored properly being in little space with a cg/daddy in a non-sexual situation. but im interested. it feels like a really vulnerable thing to open up about with someone/a potential boyfriend...
I had an ex who used to call me baby and would kinda treat me like a baby/baby me (with my bf before him, I used to baby hi so having it be the other way around was kinda magical)and it was pretty good tbh lol. but unfortunately things ended with him.... and he said a lot of shit behind my back so...its hard to be vulnerable like that with someone again..but I definitely feel the desire
fly. drift. go.
I hate my life sometimes.
I wish I could go undetected and have all my dreams come true.
I wish I wasn't a monster.
I wish I didnt feel like im dying everyday.
fuck
ive always been the polite little girl who would shut up and sit down but fuck that and fuck everyone who's made me feel that way. sincerely, go fuck yourself.
fuck everyone who's made me feel less than. you are NOT better than me. we are all human here.
fuck my fucking family.
yes I have insecurities but you preying on them makes you a shitty person.
if only we could all get along.
say nothing you're boring and dumb and have no personality. say too much you're difficult and annoying and a bitch...
fuck youuuu. im the bitch huh? funny... I was such a good little baby. I believed everyone was good. but some people seriously fucking suck no matter how badly you want to believe otherwise. and they need to get a taste of how they treat you.
no, I dont deserve to be spoken to like that, and treated that way,. im sensitive. im a sensitive little baby and you fucking took advantage of that because you know im vulnerable. even still I think about you and wonder if you ever think about me.
how's life living my dream. I dint want to be bitter. I can't imagine what its like to live your life but I also can. whatever