u/freelytomorrow

I went through two spells of nail bitting, when I was 5-6 and later in my teens. Though I was never blessed with long nailbeds, of which I've had a fascination with since I was a kid, they used to be much longer than they are now.

I'm 30 years old now. I haven't bitten my nails since I was a teenager and yet my nailbeds never fully recovered. I hate how short and uneven they are, so I leave a bit of a white tip to make up for it. I don't even use nail clippers, I just file them every other day because if it grows past a certain lenght it just begins to look ugly and unhygienic. I also push back my cuticles with my nails and sometimes teeth to maximize what little real estate I have. Sometimes I hurt the skin above the nail doing that.

The thing is, sometimes the divide between the nailbed and the tip is soft, almost like a natural french fade. This creates the illusion my nailbeds are longer and more nicely shaped, and makes me feel a lot more comfortable and confident with my nails.

But sometimes even hours later, not even a full day, I'll look at my nails and the white tip is suddenly very white and even bleeds into the nailbed, making it look even shorter than it is.. It highlights how short and ugly they are and I absolutely hate when it happens. It happened earlier today after washing the dishes with cold water. It looks so ugly I had to trim them shorter than I'd like.

The only nails I've noticed any regrowth were my thumbs. But I keep messing with them, not with biting but with my other nails and I think I just made them shorter for good this time, they're not reattaching as fast as they used to. I also still pick at the skin around the nails of my thumbs, sometimes causing it to reveal the very bright and sensitive skin underneath. It's very painful and I'm trying to stop.

I'm so frustrated. I can clearly see the outline of where my nailbeds should end at. There were times over the years where it looked like some nailbeds were going to reattach, but they never did.

I have always been different from others. I held onto my childhood for as long as I could and quite literally played with dolls until I was 18. I always felt innadequate, like I was constantly being told I was wrong and running out of time. When I still liked stuffed toys I was wrong, I should be playing with cars and action figures instead. When I finally developed an interest in those I was then too old, I should move on to something else, grow up.

One thing that I was never able to do was interacting with people. To this day I can't look others in the eye or even say a couple of words without making an absolute fool out of myself. I stutter, I forget words, I say things I don't really think or believe. On top of that I always had a desperation for being liked and accepted. And yet, I have often found myself being excluded and reminded I will never fit in anywhere.

For that and many other reasons I never lived my life. I am 30 years old and never had a job, never became independent, never held hands, dated or did anything further with someone, never been to a party or a club, never got on a plane, never travelled, never went anywhere on my own. I'm pretty sure I never went to the theater a single time in the entirety of my 20s. Think of a common milestone and I've missed it. I've slept away my youth, spending all of my time daydreaming behind a computer screen wishing I could just be normal.

The older I get (and time is passing so quickly I might as well say I'm 40) the more I look back in all of the ways everything went wrong. My overbearing parents, my always intriguing mom, my always angry and dismissive dad, my grandfather who never showed any interest in me, despite being the only grandparent I had, the relatives I never felt accepted by, my best friend who ditched me to try to become popular in high school. I went from a relatively normal 8th grader to the quiet weirdo who never spoke to anyone in high school. I haven't had any friends since. College was the same. After graduating college at 21 I gave up on life entirely.

I keep thinking how things could have been different. If that one kid who wanted to be my friend (and the principal herself told me to stay away, because he was bullied relentlessly) didn't passed away on the summer of our first high school year. If that chill kid who was nice to me sometimes had tried just a little harder, of his friends showed any openess to letting me be their friend. If my mother didn't isolate me from her side of the family and raised me in almost isolation from everyone, and one of my older cousins developed a bond with me, and kind of guided me through life.

Maybe I would have eventually broken out of my shell. I'd never be the life of the party, but maybe I would be able to hold a conversation. Maybe through these connections I would have gotten to study abroad, or at the very least gotten a job. Maybe I would have been a part of a group of genuine friends who genuinely care for one another. Maybe by now at 30 I'd have something of a life, some memories of fun or stupid things I did because that one mentor friend got me to get out of my confort zone, and people to share these memories with.

I remember one girl from high school who was also a friendless weirdo just like me. Somehow in the second year she snapped out of it and was able to join a group of friends. What would my life look like now if that had happened to me? Would it had happened to me as well if only I had been prettier, more intelligent or more interesting?

I'm so lonely and tired. This life thing just didn't worked out for me.

"Always knew I wanted to be a woman" and all that crap. As a friendless and weirdo loner teen I started to let my hair grow and had hopes that one day I'd live as a woman. I saw all the other kids having fun, being themselves, figuring out who they were and what they wanted of life and I wanted to experience the same so badly.

But puberty destroyed me completely. I went from a beautiful child that could have blossomed into a beautiful woman to a disgusting deformed freak. I'm sick of listing everything that's wrong with me, but basically if it's a masculine feature, I have it. I also have teeth and breathing issues that quite literally deformed my once beautiful face. I feel like I was robbed of a normal life twice.

So from high school onwards I lived in a weird in between zone. I was too feminine to be a normal man, but too masculine to ever hope to be a woman. I had long hair, I spoke softly on the rare chance that I spoke at all, I always had feminine tastes and interests. Still no friends and no life. I still had just a tiny bit of hope, but it all ended once I graduated college. I realized my time was up and I fumbled big time. I became a hermit and rarely left the house. I gained weight, I looked even more disgusting.

But in recent years I made improvements. I became thin, I fixed my teeth which actually softened some of the damage caused by my issues during my teenage years. I'm still ugly and will never be the person I should have been, but it gave me hope. Not to be a woman, but to live at least fairly well as a man. I cut my hair short, I started to let my stubble grow instead of agonizing over every single hair. I stopped wearing only clothes that I felt were gender neutral enough like hoodies and jeans, and started to dress how I like to see men dress. I realized I was comparing myself to women instead of other men, that I was expecting other people to judge me as if I was a masculine woman, not a man. As a woman, I'd have disgustingly big and masculine hands. But as a man, they not only look fine, but actually kind of nice. Hell, I even considered buying sandals or flip flops and I used to wear socks or crocks all summer long if there was anyone around because I hated my feet so much. As a woman, I'd have a huge disproportionate head, with a huge forehead and a massive nose, but as a man those don't look that bad. There was a boost in my self confidence and despite the fact that I'm a loser with no job history, I felt like I could maybe turn things ago.

That was just cope though. The better I get at looking like a normal man, the more disgusted I am with myself. The other night I was wide awake in bed, lost in my thoughts and suddenly panicked as I realized that this is how people see me now. Not as the feminine weirdo with the long hair, but as an almost normal man. But I know deep down that this is a lie. I can't even describe it how sick that made me feel. I'm not a normal man and never will be, but at the same time I will never be a woman. The idea of being forced to play a role for the rest of my life, or worse, that should I live long enough I will grow old as a man physically sickens me. I will never wear a dress and feel pretty, I will never have someone look at me and see me as an attractive woman, or even just a woman period. I will never be a beautiful bride or give birth.

I look around and see everyone else being normal. I can't stop asking why me?

It's not like it happens that much, but it frustrates me. Sometimes they are people who live in the same city as me, sometimes they live half way across the world, but we somehow connect online and find out we have a lot of interests in common. At the same time that I feel happy to finally have some kind of social interaction with someone, but there's an obvious divide that becomes too hard not to notice.

These people were/are all around the same age as me. But unlike me, they are normal. They are cis, they lead fulfilling lives, they have jobs, they make their own money and get to spend it, they are independent, they go out and travel. I keep thinking, what would they say if they knew they were talking to a weirdo who never lived his life? Who never accomplished nothing beyond graduating at college with an useless degree? Who feels uncomfortable and disgusted of his own body even when no one is looking?

I have the boring "always knew" story about being trans, but never had the courage to come out or do anything about it. All I had was my long hair, which I cut short last year. So really, as far as the world is concerned I'm just a visibly disturbed and weird man. Yet messaging these people and realizing they see me as what I physically am, a man, makes me feel like I'm fooling them. It's like I'm badly playing the part and I wonder when they will caught me on this lie. Will they be able to tell I'm oddly feminine for a man? Will they be grossed out by it? What will give away that I have no life? Did they finally figured it out, is that why they never messaged me again?

If you're young and you're reading this, no matter what path you chose with your transition, don't let it consume you. Yes you might always struggle with that aspect of your life, but you can still be independent, have a job and thus be able to aleviate your depression or anxiety with experiences, and why not material things.

Over the last few years I've only had very brief interactions online. Last year, I started following this guy and he followed me back. We have some interests in common, and we exchanged some messages a couple of times. Nothing serious, just speaking about things we both enjoy. Last week a woman I saw online started to chat with me, and we also have plenty of similar interests and likes. They're both similar to me in age, just a bit older.

The thing is, they are normal, fully functioning human beings and productive members of society. They go outside, they have jobs, friends, they travel, explore, experience the world. During these conversations I feel so acutely aware of how fucked up my situation is. They are accomplished and fairly sucessful people. They have their own money and freedom to enjoy their lives. Meanwhile, I'm a 30 year old weirdo with negative life experience. I feel anxious and uncomfortable on the rare chance I am outside. I have always been unable to hold a short conversation or even just look other people in the eye.

I wish I could reset my brain and make me think like a normal person.

I always knew I was different, but high school is when it finally caught up to me. Until then I had been a fairly normal child. I had friends, goals, dreams. In high school, my best and then only friend ditched me to try to become popular. That was a completely unexpected blow from which I never recovered from.

In a couple of months I went from a shy but talkative kid in a tiny school to a quiet weirdo who never spoke to anyone. College was the same, after graduating at 21 I gave up on life. I thought if I couldn’t lead the life of my dreams, no life was better than one full of struggles and compromises. I thought I could run from feeling like an alien, unable to socialize and make meaningful connections. Im 30 now, Instead I made that divide even larger.

Recently I checked on how some classmates from college were doing. One has a great job in a beautiful city in Austria. The other is studying mathematics in Italy and has a phd. He’s literally a doctor. Back then they were happy kids, good looking, always surrounded by friends. They didn’t struggled with even saying a word like I did. They didn’t sat alone in lunch break, close enough to the others so they could at least hear them chatting and pretend they were a part of the group. In their free time, they didn’t spent every second behind a computer screen, daydreaming about what they wished their lives were like.

And look at us now. They have both lived their lives to the fullest, they made connections, they worked hard, they became independent, they made hard decisions, they took risks. So I am sure they deserve the successes they are now enjoying. Meanwhile even the smallest thing always felt impossible, I could never make friends or be myself, I missed out on every single milestone from the teens and 20s. I know nothing of life, all I have is a useless degree that I have never even used, and now with AI probably never will.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be 14 again. But this time, I'd be beautiful, sociable, smarter and more talented. People would take me seriously, everyone would love me and want to be my friend. I would find love and live somewhere beautiful with my soulmate. By 30 we would probably have a family.

Please don’t wake me up just yet, let me dream a little bit longer.

High school was hell to me. It was a time of coming to terms with health issues, I was ditched by my best and only friend, I tried to work up the courage to come out as a trans to my parents, but never did. I was the quiet weirdo who talked to no one in high school, college was the same. After graduating college at 21 I just gave up on life and began living like a hermit. Im 30 now, I slept my youth away.

Recently I looked up this guy I had a massive crush on in high school. He has a nice job in a beautiful city in Austria. Earlier tonight I was curious about another classmate, turns out he has a fucking phd in math, he’s literally a doctor and studies in northern Italy.

What a realization of how differently we have used our time. They were happy back then and had friends, they lived life, they did everything teenagers did. And now they are adults leading meaningful lives as productive members of society, they make their families proud, they are independent and self sufficient.

Meanwhilee I have been wallowing in self pity, unable to do anything without struggling, unable to concentrate and socialize. I missed out on every single milestone from your teens and 20s. I have never went out in my own or with friends, never traveled, never been anywhere, never went on a plane, never went to a club or a party, never as much as held hands with someone else, let alone anything further.

I thought I could runaway from feeling like an alien compared to my peers, instead I only made the divide even greater. I pray to whatever is listening that I do not wake up tomorrow.

Ever since I stopped nail bitting I moved on to picking at the skin around my nails with my other nails, and biting. My preferred targets are my thumbs, and both are currently healing from recent shenanigans.

The thing is, one of the wounds is worrying me. I bit a very deep wound, which I had done before. But this one is healing in a different way. Instead of having a lot of skin growing back and slowly filling it in, the skin simply grew over it. I clearly see the indentation and the outline of the "hole" I created. It's like an entire layer of skin or whatever is missing underneath. It's bothering me a lot and now I'm worried I've caused permanent cosmetic damage.

Like I said, I've done this before where I got very deep wounds that left that very bright red/pink skin visible, and which is extremelly painful to the touch. But none of them ever healed like this. Should I just be calm and expect it to heal over the next few weeks or did I screwed up?

Yes the guy is a complete cringeworthy weirdo who is annoying as hell, but look at how ruthlessly everyone is dogpilling on him. There are people who have commited actual crimes who never got this much backlash. You just know things would never have gotten this bad if he had been a cute cis guy.

And isn't he kind of doing what we are all told to do? "Be yourself! Just put yourself out there! Try it! Go after your dreams! Having this or that feature doesn't make you less of a woman/man! You'll regret not trying!" How well did that turned out for him? He became a lolcow. Even the artist who Tyler thought he was going to work for came out explaining his side of the story, how infatuated Tyler was and how he later asked for a job even though they only interacted for less than 30 minutes. Imagine working up the delusional courage to ask someone you admire for a job, getting a polite "maybe", thinking that's a yes and having the entire internet making fun of you for it.

There's this aspect of it that bothers me the most, but I'm struggling to put it into words. One of the people involved is a random guy who Tyler painted (awfully, his shit seriously sucks) and called Tyler out for selling "his likeness." I saw this guy's profile and he seems well adjusted. He's good looking, has friends, a social life. The dude has it all, and he still went on to participate in the dogpilling by making fun of Tyler. It's like everyone is reminding us that they don't want us in their circles, that we're not welcome and if we try, we WILL be mercilessly mocked for it. I think this one stings because I always had an obsession over being liked and accepted, and as stupid as it sound I think normal people can smell that desperation from a mile away and are only too happy to play with it.

People are desperate to put him in the place they think he belongs. His fake confidence, which is so obviously an overcompensation from a life of knowing he wasn't as good or as attractive as others, is probably what makes people most enraged about him.

I keep at the same time envying him in that he at least tried, to thinking that I will sure as hell never transition, not just because it's way too late at 30 but because I could NEVER take this ammount of hate and abuse.

I graduated college at 21 and have been living like a hermit ever since. Missed out on pretty much every milestone that most people experience in their teens and 20s. I’m 30 and I’m deeply ashamed of it.

Im a closeted trans woman aka a very weird and deeply disturbed man. I thought since I could never be the woman I wanted to be, life was pointless. Besides I could never live a lie and pretend to be a normal man either. Interacting with normal people was too painful, to realize I would never be like them. I can’t look people in the eye, socializing was always an agony to me. I can’t say three words without stuttering and making a mistake. What’s so easy tipo everyone else never came naturally to me.No life seemed better to me, now I alternate between feeling justified and regretful.

I look back and I wish I had used all of these years more wisely. I could have learned a language, how to play an instrument. Towards the end of last year I decided I was going to practice calligraphy and try to learn italian. I only ever did a couple of 10 minute practices for calligraphy, and my only attempt at learning italian was listening to some Coffee Break Italian episodes last year. Before NYE I was decided on becoming serious about both of these things. I also wanted to continue to lose weight to become truly skinny. I also made a long list of books I wanted to read, and movies I wanted to watch, and I wanted to finally get a proper sleeping schedule. I decided if I can’t be a woman, I at least could be a better male version of me, as much as it disgusts me. I even cut my long hair short for the first time since I was 15.

Well, it’s almost june and I haven’t done either one of those things.Recently, I finally saw a dermatologist and began taking care of my skin again, it used to be my one beauty but it has been problematic for years. I also saw a doctor and had blood tests done. Still need to schedule another appointment so she can tell me how that went and I’m dreading it. I’m scared I'm going blind for years now, but the eye doctors I saw said everything was fine.

I realized I’m way too stupid to learn a language on my own, but I havent seriously looked for classes either. To think I could be over 6 months into learning the language by now, and yet like always I can’t commit and go ahead. I can’t even commit to what I like. I used to love watching movies, I’d see one every night back in college, and then two per night during breaks. Now I can’t pick, I end up watching random crap on youtube until I fall asleep sometime after 4am. My sleep schedule has been terrible since becoming a deadweight loser at 21. I used to go to sleep at 2am, now thats early for me.

Now on the weight loss, it’s not a complete fail. I’ve been gaining and loosing weight rapidly since I was about 9. I’m within the very limit of my BMI and I want to get thinner because my face is so bloated. Still I look so much better and clothes fit me much nicer. But I’ve been stuck on the same weight for months now. And I’m starting to think just losing weight won’t magically make me attractive. I’m still hideous and can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. It doesn’t help that Im unhappy with how my 5 year ortho treatment turned out. My parents spent a fortune and yet the results were not at all good. Just now I have a chipped resin on my front tooth, because my ortho didnt listened to me when I said I was worried about an error in my bite, which he assured me was nothing to worry. We don’t even have the money to fully fix it, I am trying to accept I will always look deformed and have a disgusting smile. Every one else has normal teeth, as always I have to be the deformed odd one out.

Lately I started to want to learn how to paint and/or embroider, but I just know realistically I will probably never do. I can’t finish a single thing I start. Why am I like this? Why couldn’t I be born normal? I would give everything to have a chance of a do over in life, but this time as a normal person.

I’m so sick and tired of being me. I hate everything about myself, it’s pure torture to live like this. Before I know it, I will have wasted my 30s just like I did my teens and my 20s. I will be a 40 year old loser who never experienced love, never as much as held hands with someone, who is deeply lonely, who has had no real life friends since he was 14 and never lived at all.

In another universe, I was born like a normal woman. Without all the trans bullshit I have a perfect relationship with my parents and others. I am beautiful and talented, I have friends, a soul mate, and in the future children. I live somewhere beautiful, not a shithole in my third world country. I wish I could go there instead.

I graduated college at 21 and have been living like a hermit ever since. Missed out on pretty much every milestone that most people experience in their teens and 20s. I’m 30 and I’m deeply ashamed of it. Im a closeted trans woman, I thought since I could never be the woman I wanted to be, life was pointless. Besides I could never live a lie and pretend to be a normal man either. Interacting with normal people was too painful, to realize I would never be like them. No life seemed better to me, now I alternate between feeling justified and regretful.

I look back and I wish I had used all of these years more wisely. I could have learned a language, how to play an instrument. Towards the end of last year I decided I was going to practice calligraphy and try to learn italian. I only ever did a couple of 10 minute practices for calligraphy, and my only attempt at learning italian was listening to some Coffee Break Italian episodes last year. Before NYE I was decided on becoming serious about both of these things. I also wanted to continue to lose weight to become truly skinny. I also made a long list of books I wanted to read, and movies I wanted to watch, and I wanted to finally get a proper sleeping schedule.

Well, it’s almost june and I haven’t done either one of those things.Recently, I finally saw a dermatologist and began taking care of my skin again, it used to be my one beauty but it has been problematic for years. I also saw a doctor and had blood tests done. Still need to schedule another appointment so she can tell me how that went and I’m dreading it.

I realized I’m way too stupid to learn a language on my own, but I havent seriously looked for classes either. To think I could be over 6 months into learning the language by now, and yet like always I can’t commit and go ahead. I can’t even commit to what I like. I used to love watching movies, I’d see one every night back in college, and then two per night during breaks. Now I can’t pick, I end up watching random crap on youtube until I fall asleep sometime after 4am. My sleep schedule has been terrible since becoming a deadweight loser at 21. I used to go to sleep at 2am, now thats early for me.

Lately I started to want to learn how to paint and/or embroider, but I just know realistically I will probably never do. Why am I like this? Why couldn’t I be born normal? I would give everything to have a chance of a do over in life, but this time as a normal person.

I’m so sick and tired of being me. I want out.

I realize how pathetic this is going to sound, but I'm tired of writing about all of the much more serious matters that involve being a closeted freak of nature.

The other night I was looking at Instagram posts, and yes social media is toxic and fake and all of that, but that's still my only window to beautiful things and I don't want to lose that. I saw a video of a woman trying out such a gorgeous dress, I gasped and almost cried because I know that will never be me. I will never be a normal woman, feeling pretty in a dress and twirling around. I'll never get married or have kids.

Until recently daydreaming used to lessen these feelings. I'd imagine so many scenarios where I'm a normal woman and thus my experience growing up was completely different. I still do that, but it doesn't puts me at ease as it used to. I think its because I turned 30 5 months ago. I can't even write "just turned 30" because its been almost half a year, and before I know it this fucking year is over and I've done nothing with my life again.

So fucking sick of being disgusted by myself, to feel uncomfortable in my body even when there is no one around to see me. I wish I could know what it's like to feel desired, to actually experience life. I got old without even having the chance to live a little. I wish I had the guts to end it all.