u/greenporchlight

Every moment of every day I am either ruminating over my mom and dogs dying, my house catching on fire, my boyfriend dying in a car crash on the long drive home from work, conversations I’ve had recently, conversations I’ve had several years ago. Absolutely whatever horrible thing my brain can muster up. every. day.

A couple new things for me are contamination, and for some reason the intrusive thought to randomly kiss strangers/family. So that’s great, even more shackles.

I hate it. I hate my brain. I hate ocd. I hate the treatment for ocd. I’m just so fucking angry that I can’t go a single day without the constant what ifs and the brutal images that flash in my head. I feel crazy, and broken.

I remember growing up thinking that I must have done something so malicious and cruel to deserve the hell that takes place in my head. I still wonder this

I thought I’d grow out of it by now, but I’m 22 and still tugging at my clothes and underwear because everything feels suffocating. I’m ruining clothes because of this.

I truly wish I could live the rest of my days in a robe.

No matter what I do or how much rest I get, I am always exhausted. I could get the perfect amount of sleep every night, and I would still feel like this.

It feels like my soul is tired. I was born with a small tank and I cannot figure out how to keep it full, with or without help. I am empty and exhausted 24/7.

I thought it was laziness, but I don’t want to be stuck in this same spot for the rest of my life. I have dreams and hopes and things I want to accomplish, but I just can’t. My soul can’t. I am already so broken, I can’t put myself out there to be stepped on again.

The guilt is all-consuming. I’ll be reliant on other people for the rest of my life if I don’t figure out how to get through this. I don’t want to be the submissive woman my mother raised me to be, I don’t want to have to rely on a man. But I can’t get myself out of this hole.

Anyone else freaking out about the jet fuel shortage and the fact that we won’t be able to leave the country soon?

Isn’t that kind of how the handmaid’s tale started? It wasn’t a fuel shortage, but they stopped women from leaving the country so they could take over. I keep telling myself it’s just fiction, but we all know it’s not.

Summer clothes are a sensory nightmare for me.

I can’t wear much of anything around my stomach, and if I do, I have to be able to fold it down away from my stomach. So I can’t really wear shorts, pants, skirts. I can barely wear a bra on a good day.

I’m limited to dresses and this specific brand of athletic shorts that have a foldable waistband. I’m grateful to have something, but I don’t want to wear the same exact outfit everyday when I’m on vacation, when I’m visiting family, when I’m just living. I want to wear what I fucking want and not be completely restricted to what my body can tolerate.

I used to have such a unique sense of style. That was how I expressed myself; now I live my days out in sweatpants and oversized shirts because it’s all I can handle.

If you have any recommendations, or just advice, for clothes at all, please send them my way. I will literally try anything. I have resorted to wearing maternity pants in the past because I am so desperate to find something that feels like me but doesn’t make me want to rip my skin off.