u/grimmfritter

Big ol ramble of thoughts incoming, sorry lol.

FtMtF, I was on T for 4.5 years, and I’ve been off it for a bit under a year (10 months maybe?). My progress has been fine honestly, voice training isn’t too hard for me, and physically my only real issue is saving up for hair removal, but at least it’s more of a goatee and I never got a full beard, so it’s not the worst.

The “problem” for me is that I’m still quite masculine presenting, and that’s not something I can change about myself. If I could slap on some makeup and jewelry and wear some feminine clothes, I think I would pass pretty easily. But that’s incredibly uncomfortable for me, I like my identity as more masc/butch, and I’m not changing that about myself. It wouldn’t be any better than living as a man still. That’s certainly been holding me up, and I was almost 100% he/him’d even before T just by changing my clothes, I passed as a man no issue once I tried.

Now though, I think I’m finally starting to find a balance that feels authentic to myself. I don’t have a big chest, but it’s there and I don’t mind trying to show it off. I like always having something on my head, but the beanie I wore was a bit too masc coded so I’ve swapped it out for some bandanas/headscarves. I still lean toward more neutral/masculine clothing, but I’ve picked up some things that have more of a streetwear vibe, which I think is helping pull me out of the “boring generic dude” look I had going on. As much as my style is masculine, my actual mannerisms are becoming more feminine again, which is true to myself. I’ve just been guarded for so long that it’s taking a bit to feel safe and natural again, but it’s happening.

All that’s to say I finally got read as a woman again while ordering Subway lol. The guy has served me a few times and I’ve had a few unique conversations, so he’s recognized me before but as a guy (usually in my after work clothes which are still very masculine). His demeanour was totally different with me this time, he was a bit softer, and didn’t give any signs of recognition at all. Maybe to be polite, or he really didn’t recognize me in the different style.

More than anything it was actually just super interesting to be talked to like that, it’s probably been 6 years at this point since I’ve truly been seen as a woman by a stranger (or anyone). Part of me also genuinely thought the only people who would see me as one were close friends and people I’ve explained it to, and I’d be stuck in boy mode indefinitely otherwise. I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment so I guess I really haven’t been thinking about the fact that I was actually making progress.

Overall it was more emotionally uneventful than I thought it would be for me, but it’s alleviated some of my imposter syndrome at least. Just feels kinda normal :)

I’m a brown, gay, masculine presenting neurodivergent woman. It actually sucks and I feel incredibly alone.

I’m pretty high masking on the neurodivergent side of things, but it’s exhausting. Everyone thinks I’m a dude. Sometimes I look at other butches who I honestly think look way more masc than me, but are seemingly still read as women. Sometimes in the back of my head I wonder if some of it has to do with people’s tendencies to masculinize darker skinned people. Maybe it doesn’t, I’m not sure anymore. I just wish I could be read as a woman without having to sacrifice my sense of style and presentation, and it doesn’t feel possible.

I wish I didn’t get lumped in with men and could have some connection with other women again. I wish I didn’t get called racial slurs by random people walking down the street. I wish I didn’t have to worry about what other people think of me deep down. I want to be someone safe and soft and instead I feel like I’m seen as someone rough and sketchy. I’m alone and I don’t know anyone in this city that I moved to some months ago. It feels like everyone forms a completely different opinion of who I am before I even speak.

…idk what this is. I’m a bit sad because life has generally been shit in every other way, and it sucks feeling isolated on top of everything else. It would be nice to be seen, or feel safe with someone.

I have a genuine, non-judgmental question to ask at the end of this. I’m mixed race for context.

I’m assuming it was a dad, since he had two kids on the back of his bike with him. I was just walking on the sidewalk home from work, and he yelled out “sup ni***” at me for no reason. We didn’t cross paths or anything, he was just passing by and I guess… decided to take the opportunity to teach his kids new words. I’ve experienced this in the past, that’s life (not my attempt to shrug it off, I’m actually pretty sad).

I’m still new to the city, I’ve been here for about 9 months now. My question is - how racist is Victoria towards black people? And poc people in general? How frequently would you say this sort of thing happens? Anyone can answer, but people with personal experience would of course be extra helpful. I’d just like to know what to expect, and what to mentally prepare myself for. Not trying to say the city is terribly racist or anything, I just want to know what I’m in for culturally.

I’m from Ontario and have had a few encounters like this there. I was actually living in a conservative place in the states for the last 7 years, and didn’t actually have that kind of thing happen at all. There’s far more black people there which I guess is why. Bit ironic since we often pride ourselves on being more progressive here, but I guess that’s beside the point. I still don’t know what the vibe is like here yet, beyond it being a lot more white population wise.

Edit: Okay! Considering the amount of people trying to find an excuse to defend the guy, or say my experience is unbelievable, I have my answer. Thanks!

I’d like to get laser, but it’s not in my budget right now. However, in the near future I can probably afford to get a session here and there. I’m wondering if that would be worth it, or if I should just hold off and save for a package deal down the line. Even if it’s not perfect, at least some noticeable change would really lift my spirits I think, so it’d be worth it to do a session here and there if it does make a difference. But if it doesn’t start to have an impact until a few sessions, then I’ll probably just wait.

I don’t have a lot of facial hair, but it was thick on my chin. I’ve been off T for around 9 months now, and I’m seeing changes, but the facial hair growth has stayed about the same. I know that’s typical, but I was hoping it would at least slow down slightly. It hasn’t of course. I just want to see some progress of any kind at this point, even if it’s really small 🙃 If I could knock out a just few hairs or slow it down ever so slightly that’d be great lol

Bit of a dumb question. I’m FtMtF, I was on T for 4.5 years and I’ve been off for 8 months. I have like no fat on my body right now, I’m really skinny. I’ve bulked up in the past and I’d like to again, at this point, should all the new fat store in a more estrogen dominant way? Or does it take longer than that for your body to start storing it differently again?

I’m 26, I was on T for 4.5 years and have been off for around 8 months. I wasn’t on T for the butchiness though, I had fully transitioned and lived as a man for that time. I’m certainly not a man, I’ve figured that out. I don’t even think I’m some flavour of nonbinary, although I did for a while. My perspective and comfort with gender and myself has shifted dramatically, and I really just feel like a queer woman at this point. As I’m detransitioning, I only feel more confident in that as time goes on. I feel like this context is important, but figuring out gender isn’t really what this post is about.

Right now, some of the lingering effects of T are really getting to me, and making me feel undesirable. Mainly hair related stuff. I didn’t get a full beard but I did have a goatee, and I still deal with the shadow from that and on my moustache area. I didn’t grow full blown chest hair, but there’s still hairs around now that weren’t before, that grow annoyingly quick and dark. My hairline is very masculine now.

Everyone still assumes I’m a dude, but very specifically a teenage one. I legit look nothing like a dude if you consider my actual age, but then there’s the facial hair shadow and I just feel like I look stupid. (I don’t sound like one either since I’m good at voice training). I can’t afford laser right now. I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just feel like women who like women will be turned off by these features on me.

And it’s funny, because I’m of two minds here. Butches on T are hot as shit to me. But usually they aren’t fully transitioning and going quite as far. I feel like I went too far I guess, and the process of going back is slow and it’s getting to me. Anyone else who’s been on T deal with like, reverse dysphoria after a time?

Honestly this is just a vent. FtMtF, although I don’t currently correct anyone and go by any pronouns.

I’m 26 years old and everyone thinks I’m an 18 year old guy. I’m not a man. I’m not a bro or buddy and I don’t vibe with that excitable young dude energy at all. There’s a bunch of 24/7 vape/snack shops where I live. I don’t vape but sometimes I want a snack late at night and I get carded trying to buy a bag of gummy bears (that’s kind of funny objectively but I’m so tired).

A coworker at my new job pointed at me and said “guess his age!!” to another. “You look so young!” Awesome, I know. “You’re so lucky, take the compliment!” Why the hell would I want to look younger than I am?? I don’t want to attract people younger than me or people attracted to younger people. I want to attract people my age. I want people my age to think we could be friends instead of thinking I’m fresh outta high school.

I even said “I’m not actually a dude I just look like one if that helps explain things.” But like… I don’t think people heard me clearly enough (I just started a new job so introductions are still happening and it was loud at the time rip).

I live in a progressive place but still, shockingly few people seem to grasp the concept of masculine women existing. The few that do clock me instantly because like, I seriously do not look like a guy for my age. There is no 26 year old man who looks like this. Actual men who are still in their teens look older than me for a guy.

Honestly I probably still look a little young for a woman too, but certainly not as extreme. I hate it. It’s not a “compliment,” for me. I want to look my age. Fuck off. Idk who or what that was directed at I’m grumpy.

I made a post a few days ago about walking out of my job because it was ass. First time I’ve ever done that and I don’t want to again. But! It was the right thing to do and everything worked out bafflingly well. Like too well, I feel like I’m bullshitting so hard.

I quit on Thursday night.
I got drunk and high with my mom on Friday. She was happy I quit.

I was hungover on Saturday and updated my resume and printed some copies off (it’s better to apply in person where I am). I realized that due to being hungover I made a typo on my resume and it was too late to go back to the library, and I can’t print at home right now. I didn’t want to pay at a store either.

On Sunday I took the bus across the city to print off my corrected resumes because I forgot the library was closed and I had to go to Staples (>:().

Then I walked into the first place I saw hiring, that I was immediately interested in, filled out an application, handed over my resume, had an interview, and got hired. My first shift was Monday right after orientation. Dishwashing time.

There are supposed to be two training shifts. I did my first training shift, it went great. My availability didn’t work for the second training shift. I jumped right into a long solo shift as my second. I had not even touched half of the dish pit yet in my training shift. My second shift went great. My manager told me she had me scheduled for prep cook shifts next week. My third shift was today, again a long solo. Multiple people were really confused as to why I was on a long solo shift as my third shift. I politely told them I was actually on one for my second :)

All but one of my shifts next week is prep cook instead of dish so that’s really neat. I kind of just completely pretended I knew what I was doing and that worked. Also this job is so much fucking better and functional and everything operates logically and normally and people can actually stack their dishes and clean up after themselves and throw stuff in the garbage. They could not do that at my old job. Also I’m still on the email list for my old job and the head chef abruptly quit too lmao L.

Also my manager went through the whole interview, orientation, and start of my first shift before finally asking my pronouns. I go by any. I’m pretty sure she’s just been altering through them since then, and she’s the first person to ever do that. Most people just stick with the first one they pick. Part of the reason I left my last job was because of a transphobic manchild line cook who was good palls with my boss :)

TL;DR: I’ve got small boobs, they don’t need support. I wanna wear tank tops out, I don’t wanna wear bras, but I don’t want my nips sticking out and I don’t wanna deal with little pasties or whatever they are. Looking for something with built in layers/support that’s enough to hide the nips, but still look like a regular tank.

I have chest binders from when I was on T. I’ve lost weight so they aren’t doing a lot of binding, and that’s fine, I’m not looking for that anymore. They actually just make decent undershirts I can wear without a bra now. But I can’t use them as tops on their own, they don’t look good and the material is all weird (and tbh they’re just old and ratty).

Before I ever started binding, I had these tank tops with a second layer and band at the chest area, but that was when I was like a 14 y/o girl so I have no idea where to find that kind of thing again or what it’s called. Hopefully these descriptions make any kind of sense, I’m having trouble describing it 😭

Edit: considering walking distance, time of day and if they’re open, I went with I Kyu Noodles tonight! But I will absolutely be checking out some of these other places in the near future, thanks a bunch for the suggestions :)

Apologies in advance for potentially terrible noodle terminology, I don’t know anything.

I’m looking for a big fat bowl of noodles. Like a chow mein noodles from Noodlebox type dish, just… not Noodlebox. There was a ramen place in my old town that offered a big pile of ramen noodles and nothing else, no broth or eggs or anything. Some stuff mixed in is fine but I’m looking for primarily noodles. Noodlebox I find incredibly bland in comparison to like, everything else.

I’d get a bunch of instant noodle packs, but I’m currently living on a couch more or less with a person who does not have a microwave and is highly judgmental of processed foods like that. But really, that’s the kind of thing I’m looking for. Fortunately this living situation is about to be over, but that doesn’t fix my current desire for noodles right now at this moment. Where are noodles with flavour?

I’ve been on a long journey with myself, figuring out my gender identity, what I like and what role I want to play in the world. For some context relevant later, I’m detransitioning, I was on T for 4.5 years and passed fully as a man, no surgeries though. I’m no longer on T, and would consider myself just a woman at this point. I haven’t changed my name from a more masculine one yet though, so in public I’m often assumed to be a 15 year old boy. I’ll swap my name and make it official eventually lol.

I’m getting there regardless, and I’m feeling truly comfortable in my body for the first time. It’s also finally becoming apparent to me what I like sexually, now that I’m comfortable with myself in a way I haven’t been before. To put it bluntly I wanna get absolutely fucked silly. I really prefer bottoming, and am quite submissive. I’d certainly enjoy topping or giving in different ways too, but I’d still want the other person to be in charge, ya know? Pathetic subby stuff.

But that doesn’t really fit with how I see most mascs present themselves in terms of sexual dynamics. The expectation is the more masculine person tops, or is more dominant. It almost makes me feel a bit useless or like I can’t offer what people want. No I know that’s not true and you can do whatever, but I’m also quite introverted as is, and I guess I’m just feeling a bit down and lonely recently. I don’t know how to put myself out there. I’ll figure it out, and I’m working on it, but I have no idea how people are going to receive me which is nerve wracking.

I guess I just haven’t had much experience actually living as a masculine woman, and I have no idea what it’s like while pursuing relationships with a less common dynamic. Is it hard for bottom butches out there? Is there a difference in what types of women are interested more often (butches or femmes or both or neither)? Any positive negative experiences to share?

Edit: also how do I become a slut what is the best way to be slutty

Edit again: I made this post and then instantly fell asleep but I really appreciate all the replies I’ve gotten, thanks to everyone <3

It’s not even the worst job I’ve had. But it was incredibly frustrating and no one there really seems to care much. Kind of place where if the trash is full, people just keep throwing it on top and it all ends up on the floor (if they even made it into the trash in the first place). I like to stay somewhere for at least a year, unless there’s a glaring reason to leave. I was probably going to leave after a year at this place, but I did plan on staying until then. I guess not.

I was a dishwasher. I came into my shift with my boss washing the dishes. Except, he wasn’t washing them, he was just throwing them in there without rinsing well and 60% of them came out the machine still dirty. This… just makes more work for me. I have to sort through all of them and find the dirty ones, then re-wash them. Also, if a dish isn’t properly cleaned, the heat from the machine cooks on the food and it’s harder to clean. It also clogs up the machine with way more dirt, and makes it not wash effectively. Like, just leave the dishes there so someone can clean them properly the first time. Now everything is more difficult, and I have to spend extra time undoing the mess made. I didn’t quit over that, but it was an annoying start.

The station was also a disaster (it always is every shift when I come in). There was a mess of food coating everything. I had gotten it to the point where it was cleaned up, and all the food dirt was piled into the area used to rinse off dishes. I was in the middle of scraping it all out when a cook (J), said “we need more of a certain plate on the line.” That’s fine, that’s normal. I’m wrist deep in food slop so I say “okay, just a minute.”

Now, if someone calls for dishes, it’s when they only have one left, or they just used the last one. If they ran out and then need one for a meal, they’ll say “they need one to sell” so I know it’s an emergency. They also usually don’t ask me in that case, since it’s faster for them to just come grab some at that point. J here did not tell me it was to sell. Instead he walked over, said “these were to sell, it’s more important than what you’re doing,” and hit me on the back condescendingly.

This is not the first passive aggressive instance with J. He’s also transphobic (lmao) and doesn’t respect me or another coworker. He’s overall a bit of a man child.

We run the floor mats through the machine when closing and then deep clean the dishwasher after. If we don’t deep clean it’s filled with dirt and hair. There’s still been hair in the dishwasher when I come in at 5pm the next night if I’m not the one who closed. There’s garbage all over the floor. People throw their dishes in the station and make it a bigger mess. Whatever I’m doing is always the least important and I have to drop everything to do other people’s jobs. The servers don’t sort their dishes properly when dropping them off. Everyone is friendly, but flighty and sometimes it doesn’t feel like they’re there to actually work. The morning crew doesn’t clean up after themselves. The turnover rate is extremely high, I’ve gone in after a few days to a completely new front of house staff. I like helping, working hard and doing extra, but not in this environment, not with this overall work attitude.

The moment with J today just made me… stop caring entirely. I don’t have any money, I’m moving in a few days, I have credit to pay off. Like it’s really shitty timing honestly, but I also feel fine. I’m gonna be hungry for a bit and the job market where I am is a nightmare. But I can tolerate that. I’ve had jobs where I’ve been treated way worse, but at least there was basic common sense when it comes to putting things in the trash and stacking plates on top of each other.

Okay vent done thanks whoever read this I gotta update my resume later.

Edit: I snuck out the back door without anyone noticing and didn’t tell anyone I was leaving, I feel bad for the coworkers I do like. I got a text like 20 minutes later asking if I was coming back to which I replied “no.” Their shift is gonna really suck without a dishwasher tbh. Vengeful flair is for J specifically but I actually do feel bad for the others.

I don’t know how to phrase the title, it’s better explained in the post.

I transitioned FtM in 2020, started T in 2021, and was on it for 4.5 years. At around 3.5-4 years in was when I really started realizing being a man wasn’t for me. I started to consider myself nonbinary and cut my T dose in half. Then I stopped T fully around 8 months ago.

I’ve been back and forth. It was relating to the butch lesbian community that made me realize I’m not a dude, and I thought maybe that was the direction I was headed, but it’s not quite right. Nonbinary doesn’t sit right either. I hate being a man though, so it’s not uncertainty in that regard. The past couple months I settled on agender, and that feels right. Or at least, it did.

My chosen name is bugging me, it’s too masc, I think I’d like to change it. Thinking about names started making me think about what going my a woman’s name would be like again. And that made me think about what it would be like to just go fully back to woman (with a very new perspective). I don’t hate the idea.

But I also worry that my opinions on men are affecting that. I’m guilty about this and need to unpack a lot, but I… don’t like men. Sometimes I have a hard time imagining people will even like me because I’m a man, and I project that negative opinion on others. I don’t want to make a decision based on external factors like that (that’s why I transitioned in the first place). I think I’ve been avoiding the idea of being a woman because of that. I also just wasn’t drawn to the idea of being a woman again at first, this is a new development.

I really didn’t feel like or want to be a woman when I decided to stop T. Is it normal for that to kinda develop over time? Am I just some weird kind of gender fluid where I go for years at a time feeling like one or the other lol? I’m still fine with agender, but it also kinda feels like nothing (which I guess it is in a way). I dunno, I guess I’m looking for what other’s connections to their agab has felt like, and how it shifted over time.