u/hayabhosda_returns

Often, people ask me do you not have friends/romantic interest

I think in my mind "where do you even find them" "what does it take" "ten or hundred constraints?"

I smile..the best smile I can put up.

On their face I just tell them I have never found anyone aligning with my thought process or interests.

Over the years, this lonesome journey has begun to become comfortable.

Enough is enough. I understand life is not supposed to be fair... But this is just becoming one-sided game.

So, accepting the inevitable is the best instead of feeling bad... It gets tiresome to wait at the train stations knowing that they have long become abandoned stations.

I have realised another human's warmth around my hands is something I would never know.

No one waits for me, no good morning hugs or good night cuddles...no what did you eat? No what's your weekend plan.

I often hold my one hand with other hand to try realize how it would feel when someone holds your hand.

when I see people who experience all that I feel so happy for them... That they have cracked the life. Life is way too short and unpredictable and these people found someone to be their safe place.

How beautiful it is. Isn't it?

It has actually become easier to fall asleep at night.

I used to stay awake all night but then once I thought, I too deserve some peace in the dead of the night and rest a bit.

I used to feel bad, and would often afflict ha*m on myself in the past but that has now stopped for good.

Running and little bit of exercise has been helpful ngl. That's like a brief escape from the dreaded existence.

I used to go to movies alone. But I have stopped that also. It gets difficult to see everyone in pairs and I'm the only one sticking out like a sore thumb.

I just work as much as is necessary to earn for my survival and the rest of the time I just lie down and smile, and I don't know at what.

When I start overthinking, I have now trained my mind to self talk "who is there? Who would even know or care that you are gone, in case you pass away suddenly tomorrow"?

So, in a way I have stopped expecting anything from anyone. Expectations bring mental agony... learning to slowly shed it away is helpful.

Even growth in the career has stalled.

I mean honestly I asked myself once "bro you don't even have anyone..what's the point in the mindless hustle..just let it be who is there?

Why even bother earning..who are you earning for? what would you do with that. You got no one.. just make enough to get by until it's your time"

I have started to love my invisibility.

Earlier I used to be sad, I'm going so unnoticed. Now, I fear getting noticed.

Solitude was never this peaceful.

How you guys holding up? Have you had your dinner?

Don't sleep on an empty stomach guys... please have something little whatever.!

I go for morning runs, been doing it on and off around two years, but finding a proper wider path track to run without having to change/drop pace continuously or stop due to some inevitable hurdles is becoming a great problem in enjoying the process of running.

I have found my way into a few local parks with wider tracks.

But the issue is running continuously is totally impossible with so many people on the track.

So, running continuously at a constant pace and flow is not something that always works in the parks.

Of course, I'm not complaining at all. It is a shared space for people of all ages. So, that will be there.

Also, I have noticed parks with smaller perimeter cause knee issues due to frequent load imbalance when passing around the corners...

And slowing down at each corner kills the momentum and motivation for the run.

So, I'm looking for tracks that are straight, long and wide enough.

Footpaths are an option and I have tried running there but, street dogs(not always), and uneven broken tiles are quite a problem and the broken tiles on the footpath in particular could be more dangerous.!

Often i see people casually riding bicycle on the footpath as well.

So, where you guys, those who actually run longer spells go for your uninterrupted morning runs?

How is Ekamra park? It would be a bit far from my place though. I can manage to go on bike anyways.

Or are there any other places that is more suitable for the running folks?

Any insight is highly appreciated.

Did any one else noticed this.. that the noise suppression feature for audio is not visible anymore..

when highlighting an audio clip above the volume it used to appear.

It was quite useful to kill background noise.. why Microwave fucks around like this with the tool and removes a necessary feature

Will keep this short in case the post may get deleted for whatever technical reason.

I often go on full rampage mode and indulge in crazy self inflicted abuse.

In fact moments ago I have repeatedly hit my head with a metal casing and the edge of a headphone along with viciously punching my head

I often punch my head with full force.. samecway as the ufc guys hit.. frontal side head.. series rain of heavy punches on my face

I used to carve myself but haven't done that in 5 to 6 years..

Whichever mthefkr advised to go the gym.. it was the worst idea ever...

Working out and doing kick boxing amplified my inner anger, malevolence and i have since been hurting myself aplenty almost every other day.

How do I even control the rage.. it's uncontrollable like a wild fire once my rage mode is activated.. it's inhumanly and demonic the way i hurt myself.. I also often think of hu*ting others.

I seem to hate everything and everyone. But i don't know why or what causes this

Does anyone else faces this issue? How to minimize stop or circumvent the rage once it starts building up

I normally sleep in an hour or so of hitting the bed.

I'm alone lonely who the F cares.it does not even makes sense at this point.

my life turned out in a certain way..very incidental and nothing I would brag or preach about.

I accepted my fate long back and made peace with how it would turn out.

Over the years as I grew up I found ways to overcome the pressing thought of being all alone and no one to share what I'm going through or share any good experiences.

I learned to tackle these thoughts BUT

There are nights I would just lie down, all calm and wonder why ?

A happy home, a fulfilling life, someone to be my safe place or me being someone's safe place. All these never happened for me.

It don't scare or sadden me anymore.

I just wonder if I never existed I didn't have to face none of this the experience of loneliness and emptiness.

Just feeling so hollow and in the darkness of the room it feels as if I'm becoming a part of it.

The darkness of the night slowly consumes me and consoles me that it feels more humane than any thing I have experienced with humans.

Feels as if the darkness of the room gives me a sense of temporary non existence and a feel of scattering out in the void that brings me respite even for a few moments from the mundane and unnecessary existence.

Existence was never necessary. Had I not existed I had to go through non of this. What an unspeakable apathy!

Not asking for sympathy or anything. Just unable to sleep tonight with stray thoughts. So shared them here.