u/iatts39

no more than 5 flags to combine to 1, please

im 14, turning 15 in september. my mama is 51, and my father is 60

i have very bad memory issues, and i cant even remember my own likes/dislikes due to that. my parents got divorced 6 years ago, after being married for 21. i dont have any siblings nor cousins nor anyone im close to in my family. my grandfather (mamas side) is an awful person, and has caused so much harm to the whole family for the past 60 or so years. i dont know anyone from my fathers side

my father raised me by himself from ages 3 to 8, as my mama worked full time, and moved away after the divorce and quarantine. i remember none of it. truth be told, i dont care for him, hes basically a stranger. he comes to 'visit' (read: sit his ass down infront of the computer and research random topics all time like the good ol days) thrice every year, and stays for 2 weeks minimum. my parents are good friends, they just divorced because of financial abuse and having fallen out of love right after marriage. my mama is overjoyed each time, but it really tires me out

i love my mama though i dont have the courage to say it to her. i dont want it to go back to how it was, i dont want to be terrified of her. but i love my mama, truly. i wish some day i can be fully open to her about my true self. i hate that we wont get enough time to spend together before she gets old

ill just cut to the chase.

i read my mothers suicide note -addressed to me-, and vents.

i will be turning 15 in fall.

while trying to recover an old game account which was connected to her gmail, i snooped and came across sent emails from her to her then psychologist (keep in mind, i have her mail on *my* phone because i wanted to keep my yt music playlists without publicity). and of course being the dunce i am, i started reading from oldest to newest. sending dates went all the way back to 2014.

there were a lot of things i had no idea about written there, such as my mama and father having never loved eachother in all 20 years of marriage and divorced due to financial abuse, half my family on my mothers side had attempted suicide at least once, that disgusting man -that i dont count myself as the grandchild of- had been way, way worse than what i already knew. utterly disgusting and reeking of filth, even on nondetailed text.

when my mama told me about the family, she made sure to leave out the 'bad parts'. i was told that my uncle studied in another city and became incredibly successful, and the part about his living conditions and multiple suicide attempts and episodes were left out. i was told that our income was okay, and that my father didnt need to work. she left out the part where she worked herself to the bone while my father sat his ass down onto the couch and researched random shit on the internet.

and the newest gmail i saw was from 5 years ago, from her to one of her friends i dont recognize. her suicide note. she pleaded with her friend to give it to me once i was 18, because she surely wouldnt be there by then. she didnt trust anyone in the family with it.

i held myself back from reading too much. i got around to 1/10 before putting it back down. what was written were all her fond memories of me. she really, really, loves me. the whole letter was around 130000 characters.

i can never tell her that i have seen those.

i guess, when someone says "ill tell you when youre older," its in your best interest to comply.

i wish my mama was there to see me grow up. one day she just quit work and came home to a total stranger. she didnt even know what i was like, as she had to work continuously so we could afford necessities.

i love my mama so much. i cant blame her, she tried her best to always take care of me. i really wish she was taken care of, too.

im scared of my mother. im scared that she will go back to seeing me as 'the daughter she always wished to have' and not her child. i dont want that to happen ever again. i want to break this farce of not caring but i cant bring myself to do it, im so scared of my mother.

in her own twisted way, she loves me a lot. i love her too. i wish she was able to give her love in a healthy way. i wish she got everything she deserved. she is a really good person.

we're trapped in this building that rots us, but its okay. its okay, because i wont be the same as my father. as soon as i graduate high school in less than 3 years, i will make money from my interests. i wont be like him and never put my skills to waste. i will live, and help other people live. i will live. they will die soon and it will all be okay once we move there and put this prison up for rent.

this was pretty unexpected. im a highschooler with no visible issues (nor a cane, still working on that). i struggle with heds, graves, scoliosis, and some others; which for me makes it hard to carry my own body for more than 5 minutes.

after school, i took the bus after loading up my bus card. i got on the bus i did because i had seen an empty spot. to my disappointment though, a grumpy old man was blocking that seat, and i had to stand on a moving platform, with balance issues and shakiness (that sometimes even makes me twitch).

to my surprise, a middle aged man on a singlet seat gave it to me, and stood standing until he got off at the next stop, despite me not having asked for assistance.

it makes me really happy that some people are willing to do what they can endure, and take the chance to help a total stranger that may be or may not be capable of enduring it.

this was pretty unexpected. im a highschooler with no visible issues (nor a cane, still working on that). i struggle with heds, graves, scoliosis; which for me makes it hard to carry my own body for more than 5 minutes.

after school, i took the bus after loading up my bus card. i got on the bus i did because i had seen an empty spot. to my disappointment though, a grumpy old man was blocking that seat, and i had to stand on a moving platform, with balance issues and shakiness (that sometimes even makes me twitch).

to my surprise, a middle aged man on a singlet seat gave it to me, and stood standing until he got off at the next stop, despite me not having asked for assistance.

it makes me really happy that some people are willing to do what they can endure, and take the chance to help a total stranger that may be or may not be capable of enduring it.

ive been struggling a lot for almost a year now. i dont know how to fully ask this, so ill just list what i have been diagnosed with and how it affects me.

adhd. i had gotten diagnosed at 4 years old, but it was kept a secret until i found out at 13. i will be 15 in a few months.

as i didnt have any clue why i was the way i was, i kept blaming myself for things that were caused by my adhd, leading to,

depression. i struggle with self image and motivation. i dont see a future ahead, but still, i will try and survive. now on the mental front, i probably have much more undiagnosed things, but these two are ones i know of.

hypermobile ehlers danlos. pretty self explanatory, my joints hate me and i cant stand unmoving for more than 5 minutes. my back aches a lot and i just have to put up with it, as i cant put my head down (and by extension relax my back) in the middle of class. and this is combined with,

graves disease. its absolute hell. i dropped concerningly in weight in such a short amount of time, whilst being already underweight. i am currently 49kg / 176cm, and still losing, albeit slower than before. i cant gain weight and am really weak. i cant carry anything above 1kg comfortably and i cant walk 100 meters without having to stop and lean on something to steady myself. im always bodily tired and sleepy, to the point that i need 10 hours of sleep to function, and at least 22 hours in total where i dont stand (sitting, laying etc.). even though my balance is still good, ive gotten way clumsier because of graves, and at all times need railings to use stairs. my hands shake a lot that i can barely draw anything anymore, and my body sometimes randomly twitches. aside from these, i also get what hyperthyroidism commonly does, like heat intolerance n stuff.

also, im currently on just adhd and depression meds, which i started about 6 months ago. i dont have physical therapy nor medication for the physical ones, theyre completely untreated.

so, yeah. these r the ones affecting me mostly. now, my questions are,

am i in need of help in the eyes of society, and is it okay for me to ask for help with these? would it offend anyone that i need help for small health complications? if not,

how do i get people to understand and take me seriously for things they cant even see?

As in not my display, but the writing font itself. When I write without extra fonts, other devices show my message in their own font, as opposed to when I convert to different fonts and send the message, in which case it displays the same style on both devices. It'd be pretty helpful if there's a feature on keyboard that switches to a custom font with and reverts back when pressing the button again.