u/iluvcoldcoffee

talking specifically boiled eggs here. I love a jammy/runny yolk but getting it on you when it unexpectedly squirts out at you is a little upsetting.

what's your preference and why?

so I know one of the premise of eating disorders is control. you're controlling your food, weight, activity and such, and that's why we become so focused on numbers that feel safe. but since relapsing, it feels like this obsession has leaked into my personal life in ways.

I feel the need to micro-manage everyone or else I get anxiety. I was not like this before (in fact I was much more "chill"). I live with my parents. I try to memorize my siblings work schedules and what days they do what and at what times. the other day my older brother, who's an adult, decided he was gonna go stay with a friend, and I started asking "how long will you be there? what time/day do you think you'll get back?" and he straight up looked at me confused and said, "I don't know.. why?" and that's when I realized I have no answer to why. I don't know why I feel compelled to ask. I don't like if somethings uncertain, and I like knowing I guess.

whenever my parents buy groceries, I have to be the one to organize them, I have to put them up where they belong (in my mind). one of my siblings tried helping me the other day and I flat out told them to stop and let me do it because the idea that I wouldn't be able to control where everything went was making me anxious. I organize the fridge, pantries, cabinets, freezer, closets, I do the laundry and fold the clothes, if something is moved out of place where I put it, I immediately put it back. whenever I'm in a room my mind just instantly sees things to pick up, clean or organize (I'm especially bad about this when it comes to my parents room) but that can come off as rude whenever it's not my own room.

I even micro-manage my parents schedules. If they're going somewhere, I need to know. I need to know the amount of money we have. I need to know what errands and chores need to be done so that I can step in and do it. if one of my parents slightly hint at a task, like saying, "oh I need to wash some of my clothes for tomorrow" I chime in and say "I can do it" like on instinct??? even whenever someone walks out their room I get this strong urge to go see what they're doing.

I eat at certain set times routinely. I make myself go to bed at the same time every night. I don't allow myself for example to play a game I like until after I've had x meal at x time because it differs from my routine and I'm worried I won't enjoy it all of a sudden.

this has also kinda back fired on me because every day feels the same and it's making me depressed.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I probably sound like a crazy control freak writing this out but trust me, it's driving me nuts being at war with my mind every day. Is this a common thing or am I just weird??😭

I'm literally an icon hoarder at this point. I need them all NOW😭

just a general question because I'm curious, how many icons have you guys collected and what's your level?

so, as we know, ed's tend to strip us of ourselves. our hobbies, interests, pretty much anything that's not food or weight related, because all our brains think of is food or weight or exercise.

for some positivity I thought I would ask, what do you like to do outside of your ed? for me right now, it's coloring. It's calming and enjoyable. decorating is pretty fun also, which makes me excited for the upcoming holidays. (and fuck my disorder for making me fear such a beautiful time of year😭) I love seeing all the cute halloween/christmas decorations in the stores lol!!

this came across my mind as I was doing the dishes and listening to lana lmao. my personal pick is honeymoon!

does anyone else have like, their own food stash they keep hidden away in their room... I have one. It's currently just got a bunch of snacks I have for "just in case" (just in case what you ask? I don't flipping know).

eating out of this "stash" feels wrong for some reason, and not because of the food itself, they're in no way fear foods for me but I feel like I'm running out if I eat even one thing out of the stash. like my brain goes into full panic mode and I feel like I need to replace what I just ate. And it's like oddly comforting to know it's there?

this sounds crazy, I know. I am self aware! 🥲 ED's make you do whack shit I guess!

"oh no I don't like this about myself welp guess that means I don't deserve to >!eat!<!" 🤡 even for things that don't relate to my body, like ugh, it's really me vs me at this point.

"oh I could have x... but y has better z.. but we also have e.. fuck maybe I should just go with n?"

this is literally on loop in my head all day. I just wish I could stock up my pantry and fridge with safe foods and call it a day lol

omfg just end me this is a literal humiliation ritual 😭

sometimes all I wanna do is escape. ugh.