u/jamietheintrovert

It started on my very first visit.

I was visiting for a month. Within the first days, I found myself sitting on the sofa between FIL and MIL while they argued and I was already being blamed. Blamed for DH's behaviour changing, for being the cause of family problems, as a girlfriend. I cried. The very next day they acted like nothing happened, which left me completely confused. I swallowed it and said nothing.

That same visit they also complained about DH's ex-girlfriend, judging her and making subtle comparisons between her and me. Again I said nothing. I was a guest in their home trying to make a good impression.

I swallowed their behaviour for 1+ year. DH has been swallowing it his whole life.

I have been in very low contact to no contact since my first visit. We plan on going fully no contact after we have our own place because we truly believe DH is an adult who should be able to make his own life decisions. We just need to get there first.

Yesterday things escalated.

DH stood up for both of us during a conflict with his parents. During the argument, which I witnessed over the phone because DH now calls me when things get heated so I can be a witness, FIL called me a cunt out of frustration (MIL tried to justify and excuse it). I am not involved in their conflict. I have never been involved. Yet there it was.

Less than 24 hours later, I was CC'd in a family email.

FIL sent DH a lengthy email and included me in it. I was not part of yesterday's argument. I have no role in their internal family dynamics. FIL and MIL have never fully accepted me. I have always been treated like an outsider in their family. Yet the moment there is conflict and blame to assign, suddenly I am included.

The email was uncomfortable to read. FIL listed DH's diagnoses, seemingly to explain away DH's perspective. He also went into detail about DH's relationship history, questioning how and why DH moved on from his ex-girlfriend to me, framing it as something suspicious and doesn't acknowledge our marriage. DH is an adult. Who he chooses to be with is his decision. If he wanted to keep details of his past relationship private, that is entirely his right. The whole thing felt controlling and invasive.

MIL regularly blames me for DH's behaviour. DH has always been the family scapegoat and now I am being pushed into that role too.

DH has been in therapy for a few months and is slowly recognising how dysfunctional this dynamic is. I have been supporting him through that. But now I am being dragged into things I didn't even know about, and it is too much. It has taken a real toll on our relationship and work.

I don't know what I'm asking exactly. I just want to vent and share because it is really overwhelming. 😭

I’ve been no-contact with my dad for about 20 years because he was not a good father to me or a good husband to my mom. He recently started adding my in-laws on social media, which made me very uncomfortable.

My MIL actually asked me who he was, and I told her he is my father. She is aware of my history with him.

My husband explained the situation to her AGAIN. Instead of respecting that, she responded with “people can change” and dismissed my concerns.

She then accepted his friend request anyway and informed me afterward through text message.

What bothers me most is that she knew my boundary and chose to ignore it. This is also a pattern. My husband says she has dismissed his feelings like this his whole life.

Because of this, I blocked my in-laws on social media. I felt disrespected and don’t want my dad to have any indirect access to my life through them.