u/jaq_95

I used to dream and have premonitions like crazy. Would dream of someone, see them the next day. Always crazy dejavu as well. But all of that disappeared for a long time. Like years. I’d say at least 5 years. Like gut instincts and stuff. I’m dreaming again, even though I’m on meds for night terrors. But I always dream in the same world or whatever. And the dejavu is crazy. Sometimes happening 2-3 times a day and sometimes last 20 seconds which doesn’t seem long but usually it’s 1-3 seconds. Nothings changed. Meds haven’t changed, I mean life has changed for the better (cutting toxic people out) idk part of me still feels lost and I’m just hoping maybe I’m on the right path 🥲 it used to be so normal for me then stopped (last 5 years have been hell). It all coming back home is pretty overwhelming and I’m struggling to go with the flow or protect myself. Though I know either way I will get hurt.

I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, many panic attacks and embarrassing ambulance calls. I’d say 4-5 years ago I started waking up from full blown panic attacks. That’s just how my day started. Then I was waking up multiple times a night from these panic attacks and started having sleep paralysis, so knowing I’m having a panic attack but couldn’t do anything about it. It got to the point where I was terrified to fall asleep. I’ve been on and off benzos since 19 and have tried almost all of them (Valium, Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin ect.) and also more than a handful of antipsychotics. Why was I only put on propranolol November of last year?!? Just absolutely insane to me. I’m extremely fortunate that the propranolol has helped me so much. Just kinda sucks to wonder how my 20’s could have gone if I was on the right medication.

I had an extremely complicated relationship with my mum. She was very mentally unwell and struggled with substance abuse. At 8-9 I was calling my dad or an ambulance because mum was overdosing or harming herself. I also was taking care of my younger brother and would try and protect him from it all as much as I could. My mum could be very narcissistic and my dad never stood up for me in front of me. I know he would say stuff privately to my mum but as a kid I didn’t know that. I copped a lot of the anger and frustration from my family, just being the eldest and the daughter. But also it was ‘safe’ to take these emotions out on me because I would just try and fix things or make myself invisible. I really was punished just for existing. Anyways, my mum passed out of nowhere in July of 2024. Her heart just stopped. I had made the decision I wanted a better relationship with my mum so it was like I was the parent. And I was the mediator for any arguments/issues between my dad and mum, my dad with my brother and my mum and brother. They all shared things with me that they didn’t with each other because I’d try my best to be there and listen and be compassionate. It’s still like that now with my brother and dad. When my mum passed my brother wasn’t speaking to her. And it was very understandable why. She had said some pretty horrible stuff to him in front of his wife and best friend. He didn’t see her for her birthday, his birthday or Christmas/New Year’s that year. My mum would message him apologising and begging to speak to him and would cry to me a lot about that. And of course me and my dad would encourage my brother to speak to my mum. It destroyed my brother when she passed. It breaks my heart because he blames himself even though he did nothing wrong. And I always tell him that. I’m just wondering if ketamine treatment helped or you noticed anything good/bad/different when it came to grieving someone you obviously loved so deeply, but also really messed you up mentally/emotionally as a child and through out my 20’s. I’m just intrigued by anyone’s experience if they’re comfortable sharing. I’d really appreciate it :)

I just miss cuddling in her bed (even though I was 28) and talking and gossiping. Or being on the phone for hours. I miss all the silly ‘love’ gifs she’d send me. And we’d take naps together. We’d still give each other tickles on each others arm or back. Or how she’d still wanna hold hands with me. No matter if we were home or out in public. And whenever she was sitting down, I’d kiss her on the top of her head as I walked by. Or giving her a kiss and hug goodnight, every night. I miss her humour (she had an amazing sense of humour), I miss her laugh. I miss her accent. She grew up in Queens, New York and we live in Australia but even living here almost 23 years her accent never got weaker. It was kind of impressive aha. I miss all the stories she used to tell me. She was so passionate for life even though she struggled. And she’d always give me the wettest kisses that I’d pull away from but now would give anything to have and wipe my lips/cheek.. I just wish I could go back and turn every argument into a kiss or hug which I tried my absolute hardest to do. But she wasn’t perfect nor was I. And I wasn’t alone in my mental health related battles, I had someone here who always understood me. God this one time she just wanted to sleep in my room with me and cuddle cause she knew how depressed I was and eventually I let her but I hate so much that I tried to fight it when we could’ve spent more time cuddling and I’d always say no. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for all the times she just wanted to have a glass of wine and talk and listen to music or watch a movie and I said no. Our relationship was far from perfect but we both really tried. I hate this so much. I hate that when I tell people it’s been 18 months it’s almost like they look at me thinking *‘shouldn’t you be over it or at least not as upset’*. Like it had to have happened yesterday for it to be valid that I can’t leave the bed today and can’t stop crying. The only silver lining I can think of is she was so so depressed (she struggled mentally her whole life) that she finally is free of that mental pain. The physical pain she dealt with as well. She was gonna do esketamine treatment which I’m about to start. What if that was the thing that helped? But her heart stopped randomly so she wasn’t able to see if it would have. I regret not saying these things at her funeral even though I did try and speak but just cried. She wasn’t the easiest to get a long with at times and I just wanna scream and shake everyone and tell them how hard she loved and how affectionate and caring she was. How much she was always trying when sometimes it seemed she wasn’t trying at all. I hate this so fucking much. I just miss her so much today. My younger brother wasn’t on speaking terms with her, for months. He’d only see my dad for coffee down the road. And that was maybe 2-3 times. My mum would message him literally begging him to forgive her (she said some stupid stuff that she shouldn’t have and it really upset him). She’d cry about my brother not speaking to her. And of course we always tried to speak to him about it. It makes me feel ill that if I hate myself for saying no to a glass of wine how he’s always feeling.. mentally he’s been really messed up. Really messed up. And me and my dad are always there for him but there’s this massive elephant always there and I wonder if he’ll ever actually speak to us about that. But he’s gotta live with that. It breaks my heart. Then my dad is 77 and I have anticipatory grief and guilt. I moved back in with him when my mum passed so he wouldn’t be alone and I could help him with stuff. I know how grateful he is for that. I just hate this situation. It makes me so depressed and anxious and guilty that I wanna shut myself off but then I can’t because my dad needs me and my brother needs me. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here but I have to be. And it’s fucked and extremely ironic that the only person who would understand is my mum.. and obviously she isn’t here and she never will be again.

I’ve met a couple people who have done Spravato and continue to go back each month as it’s working for them but haven’t met anyone who has done IV ketamine. I go in on the 12th of July to get two infusions a week for 3 weeks. It’s paid for and ready to go! I’m anxious but excited. Trying to be prepared but also not expect anything. So just wondering if anyone in here has tried it or is waiting to go in hospital to do it! Wouldn’t mind chatting to someone going through the same process! :)