u/jembella1

It's ridiculous

Character and colour / Linguistic fluidity / Board games in private / Cheerful melodies /

Quality in clothing / Abundance in style / Reliable appliances /

Something's gone amiss / Hard to make sense / But we've definitely lost the transparency of fun / Because we're always watched and never really unknown /

Nothing quite the same / The blandness of mourning / Hopefully something changes / But I think it's too far gone

What is it that takes me back / To watching Trevor McDonald on the TV / That little room of my old sanctuary / My cd player and Walkman on repeat /

The colour in shops of hazy memories / Smoking and wheezing to cigarettes around / Walking past blockbuster and bypassing in the rain /

The pardon wood of deers and wooden walks / The little hut that hosted nature reserve talks /

Toys'r'us as a haven of sorts / Walked past the merchandise of Harry potter / Colourful bike's in the aisles / Nintendo 64 at the end with the games in bulk /

What a different universe it all seemed to be /

Things were different then / London bridge comes to mind / With dolly the sheep / An irregular time /

For a while it was colour - admittedly vague / My childhood wasn't happy / But these good memories stayed /

I remember paper-mache on balloons / And my clay in the kiln / Skipping rope with the teachers and kids / Laying under the willow tree in summertime /

Ignoring all the bad awkward times / These show up like writing my name back to front / Two ladies at a desk / going past a balancing beam play through of walking fun /

Weird how I can almost touch these memories in fog / Vibrant but alright / possibly a mismatched tone /

Strength is a weird thing between weakness and suffering / Despite the fog and the ash / there are footsteps within the green / My path is different and difficult and without choice / My brain, it suffers from crippling anxiety /

It could change / what I said / Perhaps it's not right / It isn't / I bug the wrong people / I chase fairytales / Reality is cruel and there are no easy ways out /

I climb aloof / I make my mistakes / I ask my questions / Sometimes I make haste /

I've survived aggression and witnessed death / Been the sole result from the worst kind of bullying / Broken bonds with the scattered traces left behind /

Not very logical but extremely analytical and kind / Guilty as charged / For being myself / Not very mysterious / For an oddball of my kind /

Not even joking / I wish sometimes to be the sheep in the den / But at least I'm not a wolf just some irregular specimen /

Not a unicorn but some other identity / The one that holds up others and never really knows / What exactly I have to do / To get to my end goals /

But believe me; I'm strong enough to grow / I just wish I didn't have my life on hard mode

Ghosts of the dead / And ghost memories left behind / How can it be 6 years almost you left / This house makes it like yesterday / Not just you but sadly I'm stone /

I didn't think life would turn me into this; Hollow but blinking through and pushing to get over this / My mind has changed and my heart has grown / But I'm never really over it / Lost in the woods

What should I expect? I'm not expecting any miracles but I'm hoping I've made the start of the right decisions for my skin.

My hands (dyspraxia and autism) and coordination mentally and physically makes me always awkward and behind compared to others. I'm fatigued by changing shifts even with access to work taxis. I'm taking forever with my driving lessons but knowing I just can't settle for McDonald's for the rest of my life. I'm a year in and feel so annoyed with myself.

My empathy gives me so much compassion and communication skills that I know I'm talented for something and have so much potential but I don't want to do personal care. I don't want to continue cleaning literal waste amongst the repetition of no progression. I feel swamped without use. I never went to college or university in the normal sense. I have GCSEs and a level 3 in understanding autism but it's probably a waste.

My attitude makes things harder but I'm fighting my ego all the time. I know from my lived experience of mental health, being a domestic abuse survivor in childhood, undergoing emdr therapy, getting my own autism and dyspraxia diagnosis by my own research, researching aphantasia means I know what my issues are and that I have the ability to analyse in-depth to find what I need.

My maths is appalling but I believe I'm about c1 or c2 English reading and speaking level. I'm 33 soon so feel late in life starting out.

miss you

Been away again and coming back to reality is always the hardest thing. I like the lalaland of everything is ok and I'm looked after. Reality is sometimes boring sometimes dull. I think some days I'm at full circle of recovery. I sometimes can do everything and get brave and do. Other days I give up bed bound post work and if I have no plans for that day.

It was 17 years ago yesterday I left school. I've only really truly started living within the past 3 years. I guess I feel sad I'm older but still grateful enough to walk. I keep wanting to jump ship and find a new job on my own terms but I'm still stuck in my driving lessons. Will it ever truly change?

Just ruins my life like this

Even though this post is going to be about jobs and my circumstances, I'm going to put it in the mental health sub Reddit because it does get me mentally down and my job is exhausting without any progression.

I feel lost because my hands limit me on jobs. People learn a trade with their hands and my dyspraxia specifically prevents me from being able to do that. I feel stuck in a minimum wage cleaning job which is getting me down.

My empathy is indeed a skill and my ability to be sensory aware must be of some use. Is it laziness that I don't want to deal with a personal care job? Is it ego? Or is it genuinely my autism and dyspraxia. I know I'm clever to have some sense of I deserve better than my current job.

But not choosing or affording proper college or university at the time, and now being in my 30s. I have a level 3 in understanding autism but it's not really a trade.

I'm still doing my driving lessons and that's getting me down as well. 1 year in my first full job. I'm going to disregard the previous 6 months job in a care home as that led to a breakdown. My access to work grant runs out in 2028 for taxis. Probably the only reason I'm continuing at the moment.

Hard to believe EMDR was completed over 2 years ago.

There's not enough staff and I'm expecting my annual work meeting soon which will score my workload. I do so much and I still get overwhelmed and nagged at because they never put enough staff to match the work.

Just a bit burnt out from being told off in a sense.

in life and in general, would be ideal to get answers via a free reading if possible. just lost.

Thankfully betahistine stops the spinning but I'm so fed up with the noise

If I'm a being / not just a neon star / Can I burn bright enough to carry far beyond this realm / To be evermore than just enough / That this spectacle ever could count / And ever was to be /

Something more than a R.I.P / Beyond the mountains above us / Further than the sea /

Just for once / Couldn't I be the master / Without the whiplash of my own destiny

My gut says it'll be okay / My fear says give up / My instinct says pull through / My feet keep walking / I keep waking up / Through the tears and the nightmares / The collosal steps and the darkness / I try to rise up in my own phoenix light / Until the day my cavity is called to certain death /

These people that come into your life when you need it just by luck / Are the soldiers and angels without evangelical hope / Just by being a comrade in the darkness / Such a shame we never know how long we get with these firelighters / Until the next time when we need a leg up from the obstacle that is about /

The lovers and the helpers / The nurses and the doctors / The listeners and the pathway makers /

Never to be seen or wisping through the fog / I miss my lighthouses in so many forms

I fight it since I have to but damn it gets exhausting being exhausted over every little thing. Medication only goes so far but it's one of the worst parts of being alive having to live like this. I hope one day it'll shove off but I'm 33 soon and don't see it going.

I push through on the good days

I hate the bright lights and details of everything all at once every second of the day. I hate overthinking about everything that could go wrong and never anything that could go right. I hate being limited by myself which affects my critically low self esteem. I want better than I have and aim too high when I'm sub par or average at best. Topped with dyspraxia makes everything awkwardly harder when it could be the opposite. I'm just tired.