u/koplikthoughts

I feel like my MIL is so desperate to get what she wants, protect herself from discomfort, and create the image she wants to create that she will hide or misrepresent things, or even manipulate a situation. Sometimes if there is an even very minor seeming conflict she will avoid talking about it and then have my father in law call my husband instead of talking to me directly! Therefore she often makes a minor hiccup of a situation worse due to the way she deals with it. As a result I don’t have a trust in her and I also am becoming less and less comfortable with communicating with her openly. Which is strange for me because I am just an unabashedly open communicator with everyone else in my life. I have tried to Google /research this psychological type but am having a hard time articulating exactly what her issue is but does anyone else experience this?

Examples of her behavior:

- When my husband discovered she was driving her grandkids around in a loose car seat she made a big deal about how she cares about car safety and how she fixed it when I inquired about if it was fix, and then I found out she didn’t even fix it at all even though she was about to drive my daughter. I was livid and confronted her about it, and then when I said my piece I said “let’s move on from this” and then a few weeks later in front of the family she praised me loudly for ”being able to move on from things” … I feel like she misrepresented herself fixing the car seat to seem like a great grandma when she didn’t even fix it at all. then tried to gaslight me into getting over it by loudly telling the family how great I am for being able to move on to

- Before my baby was born I already told her she would be able to babysit so there was no need for this — she went and told my sister in law to invite me to lunch to talk to me and convince me that she’s an amazing grandma and to please let her babysit.

- when my husband was hurt about unequal treatment between siblings (she has bought my BIL multiple cars and houses, diddly squat for our family) and I sent her a text saying I was hurt about the obvious inequities, she ignored my text and didnt respond for a week, then my husband got a call from my father in law telling us she was crying all week. she couldn’t bear to deal with me directly even though the conversation started with us.

- Even though she and I arrange for babysitting of my daughter if she has ever had to cancel she always has her husband / my FIL (who never has any involvement in planning babysitting) call my husband instead of just texting or calling me directly. when I finally confronted her about this and asked her to talk to me directly she admitted she just “felt so bad about it” - this has happened so many times and it’s bizarre because she is a grown woman!

- instead of ask us directly to babysit she will talk loudly in front of me to my daughter “ask your mommy if you can come to grandmas for a sleep over” - in some instances she has asked 7-8 times during one get together right in front of me like that. it is so passive and bizarre.

there are so many examples but long story short it just feels like there is some agenda and she’s never truly authentic and she’s hiding / manipulating to get what she wants.

I realize I sound awful and entitled but hear me out.

My daughter is 5 and we are fortunate to have many people in her corner. However we really want to raise her to be humble and appreciative and it is hard because our family and friends give so many gifts.

It is not uncommon for her to get like five Easter baskets for example. My sister gives her a basket with like ten items in it. anytime my friends travel they bring her gifts. On Christmas my sister will give her like five gifts. as a result my husband and I don’t even have a lot of joy in giving gifts as we intentionally hold back knowing others will go over the top with their gift giving. whenever she goes to a friend‘s house for baby sitting the friend usually has bought her a book, new crayons, a stuffed animal etc. when we meet at a restaurant often sometimes our friends will bring her stuffed animals and candy.b

My daughter is starting to seem numb to getting gifts and no longer has any reaction and it’s sad to me. when I was a little girl I remember I would’ve been SO excited to get a little toy or book from a family member and now it’s a regular and excessive thing. I want her to feel grateful but when she is given a gift now it no longer has much value. I want her to squeal with delight when she gets a gift!

we are so grateful for the outpouring of love towards my little girl but we also don’t want to raise her to be a spoiled brat. just donating gifts doesn’t help because I don’t want her being spoiled in the first place.

how can I address this? easier to address with family than friends but I even think at this point the friends need to be addressed. I don’t think they all realize how much others in our circle are gifting on top of what they gift.

My daughter is very tall and skinny (90th for height percentile, 30th for weight). any brands for school uniforms to recommend for her? she wants to wear polo dresses mostly.

My 5 year old is a very advanced reader and and her favorite book is William Bennets Book of Virtues (the adult one without pictures!) and she also loves poetry and we analyze it together. She still enjoys all books, including picture books and early elementary school aged chapter books but she gets very enthralled with chapter books geared towards late elementary / middle school. trouble is I don’t want something too dark. we are reading Island of the Blue Dolphins and she loves it but the dad dies, brother gets attacked by wolves and dies… just a little dark.

Any suggestions? we just finished Sarah Plain and Tall and she loved that. She loved Matilda as well. she prefers a lot of action and “dangerous“ stories as she calls them but of course there is a risk of them being too violent.

My five year old daughter always asks me to tell “dangerous” bed time stories in which someone’s life is at risk. When we make up stories about lions she always wants to hear about the lion eating someone. I sometimes oblige but make it non violent (ie “the lion ate the girl but the girl tickled his throat and he sneezed her back up!”) but I feel like she would love it if there was a dark ending. is this normal or concerning? I don’t see violent behavior otherwise. no, she doesn’t get screen time other than old school shows occasionally like Little Bear.