u/lottie_J

The background story of this is too long to explain, but in short :

with some problems I had for years, after healing in other aspects, physical and metaphysical and joined, the situation finally came down to just deciding to try out a 'crazy' idea I had, and just go all in on what it seemed to be dangerous work.

It was about pulling some things out, adjusting others, and cleansing and strenghtening the third sort of things.

The problem I have now?

I don't know what I did!

I don't know how I did it?

I have no idea how it's called, or what practice does it belong to??

I have never been formally or informally taught any energy work on the human body, by anybody even for a split second.

I don't have the vocabulary to name these practices.

I was just sick of suffering and along other non-beginner friendly things I tend to practice as a beginner, I decided well, I'm gonna do it, and if it kills me, it kills me, and somehow succeeded in ...i can't believe it solved a large part of the issue!

Now....i can't pretend this is imaginary anymore. And I can't play victim of the circumstances. I spent years pleading to other people to believe me about my pain and to lead me to fix it. And I was always dismissed. And well I get it, it was the universe telling me to own my sht. But....part of me hoped it was imaginary. But it wasn't. So now I can't ignore....this I wanna say 'new' part of myself but it was there all along. It showed in other aspects.

I'm afraid I'm not mature enough mentally for what I uncovered in my life.

Does it have anything to do with me previously being an energy vampire? Is that why I can do stuff which I don't know how it's called?

I'm aware mostly anyone and everyone can do stuff, but....it was a bit unhinged? A bit out of nowhere? It was a real complicated working, it needed precision and attention, not just wishful thinking. It was the most complicated thing I have ever done.

So who am I now?.... A witch who runs rogue in another practice's teritorry?....

Or just a homo sapiens with a new toy.....

What framework should I use for overcoming resentment?

Something happened 4 years ago and I still can't get over it, although I really want to and it would be objectively the better choice.

In the last year I've had amazing results with Angelolatry in other aspects, however it doesn't work for this one thing because of the specific context and many reasons.

Btw, please don't say therapy - things there have gone very wrong.

I know I'm capable of overcoming the drawbacks, just don't know where to start and what to research (and obvuosly have no time to research everything ever).

I'm also apparently good at manifestation and road openers, and I suck badly at protection....

Also, everyone telling that either I'm unable to get over it or validating the trauma, should I take it as a sign? Omen or just a sign to close my mouth and comply with their defeatist world view?

I also have the feeling that Astrology is somehow involved in the situation, but I suck at Astrology too - is it worth looking into for this problem?

Since returning to Christianity, I am faced with much more emotional turmoil. And I don't mean it in a way of 'oh everything just went wrong/guilt type of stuff' - No, exactly the opposite, everything started to work. Old trauma is being resolved. Limitations are being moved.

Every working I've done in the mental, astral or emotional aspect, and sometimes even physical, works like a charm, like never before. I am even conflicted by the efficasy, having existential moments like - it's real, guys, it's all real, I did this highly specific spiritual thing and it worked, with a highly specific result, sometimes more than once.

It's not in my head. They're real. They hear me. They are involved.

But I am conflicted by the responsibility aspect. I am almost at my limit from exhaustion. Of being....tollerant to everything and everyone.

I used to be a very unethical practioner before, some type of Omnist agnostic but really, it was because of me being an unethical person, not because of that religious paradigm.

I didn't care about screwing over others in any situation. I am haunted by the memories of how good it felt. How safe and validating.

And now I can't stop caring. I feel empathy and I can't just switch it off like before. And I was able to act cold for many many years so I know it's from the recent practice.

And somehow others have begun to treat me worse because of that.

And I can't say or do anything, I am supposed to just be there for them and endure endlessly.

I have a problem with the suffering, it's become too chaotic. I don't mind to suffer but the way it's gotten now is everyone just blaming me constantly and coming up with more and more responsibilities that I have to adhere by, and when I am good and nice to them, they step in even more.

They're not afraid to tell me the most hurtful things and to rush me to improve myself or keep moving the goalpost. It wasn't like that before and I can't stop. I'm working with Angels and I owe them big time and I can't stop and I don't want to stop praying and self-improvement because I am not who I thought I was before.

It's never been like that before. Do I have to be bad to people so that they respect me?

Yes, I do. And I also won't do it, because of Christian-rebellios type of reasons. The societal pressure to be bad to each other sickens me. To the point sometimes I really throw up a little. I didn't know I could be that sensitive as an adult. It certainly helps the angelolatry practice....and it's partially induced by it.

I don't retaliate anymore. I don't practice energy vampirism. I don't hex people to keep them in line. I've cut out most harmful coping mechanisms. It's just me and the suffering now. But I don't know how to keep myself safe. I had a problem with too much responsibility and never building boundaries as a child, and it's resurfacing because of this.

Is this just rough patch, what am I doing wrong?... I have no clear concept of Protection apparently, but that has to do with the vampirism and drawing power from the world.....

Or is it a wrong perspective somehow?

Is it because the World is going through big changes?

I don't want to stop suffering, I just want to suffer succesfully, rather than pointlesly and feel worthless.

(I'm not gonna ask in a church because they would tell me to shut up probably. Current therapist turned me away so really unsure qhere to research for another....)

Now, I know that practically everyone these days can see auras, but what do you think about hearing auras?

I accidentally heard my 'field' and wondered is it always this loud? Can other practitioners hear this?... (I do prefer other claires to be honest, in order to not get overwhealmed. I used to work as a musician and constantly hearing extra stuff is not exactly my cup of tea, but it's developing anyway along the other clair's)

So...for many years, I thought - I hoped! - that my gut feeling was accidental. I reasoned with myself, that it's normal to experience an excess of creativity, after all, the times in which I am living are, defined by that, as opposed to eras before, and I used to calm myself by thinking that it's just currently the way of things.

But getting to know myself more deeply, and gaining occult situational awareness, I can't deny it anymore.

I watch day after day, how others around me are surrounded by way more structure, more logic, more rigidity, whereas I am somehow, miraculously always chucked into the 'freedom of self expression' circumstances one way or another. Even though I crave structrure and rigidity, I try to bargain my way into it, I beg for it, it just repells me further and further away. I'm not saying I have a bad life or that creativity is bad in any way, but there is a gigantic surplus of it in both myself and my circumstances that I try to solve and yet somehow it overflows every time.

So, I have to dreadfully admit that it must be some kind of karma. It's a type of 'imbalance', and it's there to get my attention. To do what?...

My question is, where to begin? How to identify the system whithin which to search for answers?

It's like some kind of 'fate', it has produced good things also but, I can't stand to ignore it anymore!

Would you have any ideas about where to start research on this? I don't want to artificially fix non-issues, I just want to find the reason for the imbalance, and understand what it means.