u/lottie_J

I am trying really hard to read Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham, and I am not understanding anything. It's not the theology that I find problematic, it's the style of explanation. I feel very neurotic after reading it and the information is all over the place.

I am reading other staple occult books at the same time and I only feel like that with this book. All the others make me feel really calm and grounded and like I understood the instructions.

So....am I secretely prejudiced? I expected so very much out of this particular book. But it's so hard to read and to make sense of.

Some of you probably know that I used to be an LBRP hater (not anymore !!!)

But I wonder more and more as time goes on, things like - are you supposed to feel the change of the energy before/after? Purely short term....and are there things which would be too small or too big to banish with such a banishing ritual, so to say, which part of the spectrum of banishing is it mostly used for?

I am observing effects, I am definately observing effects, and I don't want to misunderstand it even worse than before.

Does it have a different goal long term vs short term?

All my life, I was imagining I would somehow stay sneaky about it. But I can't.

Everyone seems to be separated into very radical groups of 'religion good' and 'religion bad', I don't know where to fit in anymore.

Sure I have loads of religious trauma, but why does my boyfriend scoff when seeing me re-read the books that gave it to me because I'm looking up correspondences?

And my friends' Pastafarian jokes aren't funny anymore.

Why is it only acceptable in todays age to be a Pagan Witch, and nothing else?

It's not my fault that my rituals worked when nothing else mundane worked....it's not my fault that I have a deep need to actualize popular concepts such as meditation and journaling through a much deeper spiritual lense! It's not my fault my religion works.

I wasn't supposed to feel this way.

I wanted to ask this question since before this year started.

Do you think that there will be a specific type of energy on July 13th (the Synaxis of St. Archangel Gabriel), being directly followed by a New Moon on the 14th?

What type of energy do you think it will be? (In terms of making plans for possible rituals..)

*Disclaimer, of course - if it's somehow not obvious from my pondering below, most of this text is UPG and I'm moderately early on in my journey. I don't claim any of this to be objective reality except maybe for the parts where I say I'm not insane :) (yes, I did check)

I can also only apply all of this to me, never other people.

Trigger warnings - pain, brief mentions of illness, of nutrition habits, of mental health and of religion.*

I've been into some form of Angelolatry for a little more than an year now, and wanted to share my observations, because I've had some very positive results, including of things which I didn't think were possible (I’m not saying they were impossible, but they were kind of unlikely).

I will try to keep it to what is useful and not sensational.

My practice is a bit disorganized, more like it's all over the place. This served me in a way as the most changes I initially asked were related to my body and to my behavior so that's where the alchemy needed to happen, if that makes sense. I needed to be...the cauldron.

Now I'm trying to get my practice a bit more organized and there is so, so much to learn. But so much stuff has happened to me already.

In the last 13 months I have not stopped considering them and their opinion for a single day. So at least I'm so happy, that it's definitely not my imagination, or worse, just 'psychosis' - because what I feel/perceive is just too consistent over time, too specific and too far into the healthy lifestyle territory (and I know enough about psychology to know that no imagination or mental issue would ever work this way).

Why did I go into contacting/venerating angels?

Well the short answer is I simply had nothing better to do with my life at that point, I saw something strange and dived right in.

The long answer is, I don't know. There may be some kind of logic to it, but I'm clueless. I don't know who or what I met initially, and it was not my intention to....I simply continue my spiritual practice as I did before - 'working with what I already have at hand'. But then I suddenly had this big new chunk of information and I'm not going to ignore it. (I always adjust my practice when something big comes along.)

I don't want to say that it was 'because it felt right', as this does not have any objective meaning, but, you get what I mean...

I contact them mostly by prayer and scrying, oh, God, so much scrying!! At one point I thought I might go crazy, but quickly realized this is impossible if done correctly.

See, the 'delusion' as a scientific phenomenon - it cannot be stopped at will. I cannot stress this enough, that if you are experiencing disturbing visions, sounds, or anything else coming in through your senses, that is tormenting you and you have no control over, that might be the dangerous stuff that needs medical attention (even if it has a supernatural/occult cause at the root).

But seeing things you are actively looking for, which you set a time and a space in a ritual to go look for, replicable, measurable, in a specific symbolic language, with continuous meaning over time - that is more or less, real (although not materially real in its fullness.)

And to me the most important indicator has always been the consent part of it. I'm very Chaos-based, and anything can be a ritual. It's true that many times my scrying happens 'on the go' - while I walk or do other repetitive tasks, it's true that a lot of the time I multitask it. And it often happens spontaneously - but it never happens against my will.

I can blink and in a second it would be gone, and I have in fact, 'shut off' my claire-senses many times, when I didn't need to see what others are up to or if I knew it wasn't meant for me. (Like hell no, I’m not gonna attend while clairevoyant the various baptisms, weddings, baby showers, birthdays and prom parties that people very normally invited me to. There are healthy boundaries of claire-senses).

Back to the Angels, for offerings I got to be somewhat creative, and went towards the non-physical side of them. That was because I couldn’t really figure out a way to give physical offerings efficiently, and it made more sense to keep my whole practice…well, in me physically. That was an interesting concept as it quickly morphed to ‘improving how I interact with the world’. So what starts from the inside as an action, usually has an impact on the ‘outside’ world as well.

I do use candles too, but not regularly, and they are usually very small candles, because I want them to burn all the way through. That’s because I always add something energetically or emotionally and it’s never just the candle, so I’m not sure how to mitigate the logistics of not burning them through.

I was quite worried at the start about making offerings - part of my religious trauma is about seeing people constantly ask the Divine for things without giving anything back (ah don’t ask how one can have religious trauma from that - I assure you the options to get traumatised are very versatile),

So I found myself in a predicament thinking about this, because I wanted it to be really transactional (spoiler - it's not (>.<) )

I’ll never be able to give them anything remotely as valuable as what they’ve given me.

So I have accepted that most of my offerings are going to be either symbolic as just a gesture or they are going to be an element which triggers the change in me which I am petitioning for. Since there's nothing that they'd really need from me, except maybe that I behave.

Nearly all of them have at some point requested cleaning as an offering. Like, cleaning my house, which I was not used to doing very often before.. but also occasionally cleaning for other people. And definitely cleaning up after myself (in a workspace, public space, after dinner at home etc) They are very serious about that one. Also, apparently St. Raphael really cares about small plants and animals in nature and thus about non-degradable materials ending up in pipes.

So that solidifies my view of cleaning as a spiritual experience.

Some of the other things I did (just some of the recurring ones summed up ) were learning new skills, or picking up old ones ; No cursing or gossiping/insults, giving up harmful habits - less scrolling, less other addictive behaviours. tw >!You don’t need to know how exactly my habits were in the past, but on week 2 of contacting them I knew deeply in my soul that I could not stand before Michael or Gabriel with a clear conscience, if I was doing these things to my body nutrition-wise. So I had to stop. !<

Being more involved in situations where there is an issue to solve ( irl ) and acting more responsible and not running away from the hardship. Being less toxic/more polite in small ways that I don’t necessarily enjoy.

They want me to be good to people. They want me to be kind and work on being more patient. It's not optional. They want me to remain sensitive and not become callous.

In my 20s I had gone into an distasteful branch of my path, becoming (or moreso, pushing myself to become due to heartbreak) a full of hate and materialistic kind of person. (Now, the angels didn't save me from that one, so I have no idea if it would work for someone else. An illness did. /and my messed-up manifestation/prayer wordings back then./ tw >!also I attacked a small-ish egregore and lost most agency over my life for months after).!< My circumstances then forced me to be a notch more decent but I was still into misbehaving up until Angelolatry crashed in my way.) So I fear the answer to the common question 'do they work with bad people' would be yes in this case.

I thought on many occasions that it must be ironic for myself, the selfish witch who is uneducated and my only reasonably successful abilities have been casting the evil eye and vampirism, to now work with Angels and want to act all upright.

But I'm not being forced to give up any abilities, nor re-invent myself, or swap any important part of me for a foreign one, no - because these parts of me are simply a part of something bigger. It's about being a part of something bigger (than yourself).

So for the first time in my life, I was ready to accept that maybe I'm not what I think I am. Maybe I am someone else, and that's ok.

I don't know anything about planetary magick. I don't know anything about Solomonic or Enochian magick. And my understanding of Kabbalah/ Qabalah is laughably superficial.

But I have a prayer book, and the leftover knowledge from my childhood religious upbringing...and by digging into such books one can find most interesting info.

My IRL circle (witchcraft informed or practicing) is of the opinion that working with Angels is somehow not an option, so I never asked them in the beginning what they think.

Of course the other trusty companion of a modern human was also there for me - the internet, yay!

Now, the internet...had much of everything to offer. The Catholic prayers are very easy to find, and I'm grateful for that because I'm not Catholic and without these many things in my situation would have been worse.

Books and other lengthy info (online) - not easy to find, and even by looking one starts to realize that maybe some authors or website owners out there didn't exactly have the reader's interests in mind, when they went ahead and published that.

Most people make videos on the topic, but I don't....consider those a ready-made resource, I consider them something that I have to scrape for information, to find the valuable one.

I also pretty easily ran into the fact that in the Orthodox world each physical church location has a website, and they're all different. That means links to resources are different. Although, it's still a religious organization (and to bear that in mind)

It's more of a cultural/ ethnic thing where I live to say for example, that one is 'unworthy' of conversation with angels, but to claim angels themselves are somehow restrained from talking to you would be completely illogical as a Christian.

I also spent some time just reading people's personal experiences on here, and that was helpful beyond anything I had imagined. Sometimes the UPG is so niche, it’s hard to even verbalize it, but to see that someone on the other side of the world experienced the same, means a lot.

I eventually gave up on trying to identify my initial encounter and gave into exploring the abundant info on St. Archangel Michael.

St. Archangel Michael. I could talk about him for days on end, how great he is, and so on. But I won't. It won't serve any purpose.

Instead I'm gonna say, contact him yourself, go and see.

....I'm not gonna hide it from you, my angelolatry interest brought me back to Christianity.

I have been trying for a few years prior, to get into the mindset of doing spells but I either really didn't have the right idea what that would look like (how could I, I was raised in another tradition), or wasn't really trying my best. Either way, my spell casting skills were giving me very inconclusive results, the energy was there but it was all over the place. So around this time last year after the initial contact, I gradually began to realise that there is, indeed a practice which I knew how to practice a lot more confidently both for energy raising and for petitioning, and I decided in favor of the convenience of doing what I was already good at, and know how to do.

The angels have never demanded of me to work in any specific framework (they have actually never demanded anything at all, and are always continuously making sure that I know that each decision is mine and they are not really my boss in this. )

And before I made that decision for me, I also had very positive results while working with them in a Pagan/ Chaos magick way. My upbringing certainly plays a role in the background knowledge but I don't really think Christianity is in any way a prerequisite to work with them.

I didn't pray that much in the beginning, especially to Michael (yes that is a contradiction), I wasn't so sure about the form of what I was doing yet. I was just switching my perception, to perceive more of the world. I call it going to the veil, because it is a kind of an altered state of consciousness and it involves liminal spaces or actions. But I can't call it a serious trance or other big words, because it was quite basic. And the element of scrying is the most present.

In time, my idea of my experience began to clear up, and I started including more regular prayers in my practice. The whole practice swayed that way. I even spent a few months doing zero spells but that’s ….a story about another entity should I say. But the angelolatry never stopped.

I began to address St. Michael more formally, which led to different results in how the communication unfolded. Definitely 'feels' different (a good difference) when I approach him more formally, although both approaches have their good sides to me, given that even when I do communicate to him more 'chill' it still always has this note of seriousness. I've found that is a good thing to bring into the conversation, but it has to be genuine also. Which led to a lot of unexpected introspection for me.

Some more UPG here, to the people who say st. Archangel Michael doesn't like jokes - yes, you are right, there are jokes which he doesn't tolerate in any shape or form, in my experience those are ones concerning topics of his cosmic role/existence, or his job description, so anything police related also.

Otherwise I get the sense he does have an excellent sense of humor (they all do). Although when I think about it many times an out of pocket joke from me has resulted in one of them forbidding me to do something (this has been explicitly centered around my behaviours which could harm me, mundane or magickal, or mental).

Also another big thing for me to which I hold very dearly is putting a cap on how many angels and/or other things and spirits I can work with at the same time.

A period of time for me shouldn't contain all the spirits I work with, or any that would clash with each other, but only the ones I can handle to meet. That is because there is a before, during and after the encounter, which makes it considerably longer and harder to maintain logistically than it may seem. So I try to make sure I can somehow prepare to perceive them and not just cram everything at once. I did have many jobs/gigs and hobbies in the past as a musician or performer which needed specific preparation, so that’s where I’ve picked up the ritualistic behavior, it didn’t have to do anything with witchcraft or religion initially.

I was surprised to find out about the dark side of online discourse about Archangel Michael. The doubt. The conspiracies. The blaming. There was always going to be a warning from somewhere, even on the brightest days, of ‘are you sure about it’, ‘he is too much’, ‘he may ask a lot’, ‘have you heard who he works for??’, ‘he’s gonna bully you’, ‘he won’t even talk to somebody like you’ I get it, I get it.

But then there I am, with all my flaws and all my insecurities and frankly all my trauma which isn’t a lot compared to some people, but it isn’t a little and it may even take somebody out.

…and the one Who he works for is the reason I don’t have insomnia anymore.

I respect the concern. But let me get one thing clear. I crave the sun on my skin. I crave knowing in my physical heart that it exists. I crave waking up everyday to a life where discipline is an actual option in the material world, not just some sleazy marketing archetype used by corporations to control you.

…I have waited all my life for this. To be heard by someone who 'gets it'.

He is authoritative, yes. Sometimes without shades of gray even. 'but isn't that bad for you, being told what to do?' Oh, is that why he told me how to avoid my period pain entirely, or which are the best shoes to get in order not to freeze in the winter. I don't know, must be bad for me! Hehe.

The next thing I did, was some light exercise, I decided to give it a try just in case, since everybody these days seems to be going to the gym/ working out for Michael, but it did turn out beneficial because I really did badly need the workout routine (still recovering from an accidental mobility issue for a few years). So thank you Archangel Michael!

Early on in my angelolatry adventures, something controversial happened (I mean more controversial than the everyday odd stuff when Angels participate in your life because there's also that).

I think I've mentioned this before - St. Archangel Gabriel didn't really want to work with me when I approached him. He was very kind and gracious upon contact but then showed distance, in an 'not yet' kind of way, which I foolishly took as a sign to persist, and then he did uphold the communication although it took on an interesting harsh nuance overall.

Then he asked me for something that I had previously decided for myself already and I had been for a long time very open and firm in my life, about not letting anyone change my mind or tell me what to do in this specific aspect.

He asked me to give up the grudge against my mother, which I did not want to do (or so I thought).

Both she and I have our sharp edges and have done harmful things to ourselves, eachother and to other people and concepts in the process, but somehow I took it personally and was holding up a grudge against her, mundane and also magickal. (while she did not, at least not intentionally, she was unaware of the turmoil she’s causing)

It was not an ultimatum, he just has a way of being really convincing.

So he was like 'Do it for me.' And I was like 'Ok.' So I gave up my grudge against her (even started taking care of some of her problems and proactively being kind and not complaining that I have to put up with her shenanigans), and that's the nicest I've ever seen him (otherwise I'm pretty vocal here also about how horrifyingly scary he is.). Among other things, this has cascaded into an effect of financial wellbeing for both (which I can see how very clearly now that it's worked, but I would have been perplexed an year ago and Gabriel was so genius to have forseen it.)

I don’t….know what to say about St. Archangel Raphael. I mean I have a lot to think through about connecting with him, I just…can’t really talk about it in normal terms right now. I’m really grateful but his involvement in my life is still at the stage of causing this lump of guilt in my throat, because I said some really stupid things in the beginning and therefore continuously realizing how I just can’t keep up to the standard I had ….imagined.

When I said interacting with them is not transactional, I mean it but that was/is even more awkward with him. I thought the communication was going down the drain because my claire senses have a really hard time picking up messages from him (whilst presence is there), but then some more things happened that threw me into a whole new tangent. Then I used (for workplace safety/psychic defense purposes) one of his popular sigils without having any idea what it does. It worked. He isn’t the explaining type to me. He is the most gentle of them who I have interacted with, yet somehow all he says manages to scare me deeply. Because he’d be saying one sentence without argumentation why he thinks so, with perfect advice, and with the only context of my shadowwork, and then he’d act like I’m some sort of innocent creature, almost like an equal in terms of choosing my path and such. And I try to gaslight myself that he must’ve meant something else or that I don’t really understand, but it’s usually very on point. I do suspect he isn’t fluffy, I do suspect he is actually really scary too.

(I am omitting some of the angels I’ve contacted either because I have nothing of substance to say about it or because it’s an information hazard.)

I feel drawn to somehow mention st. Archangel Selaphiel in all of this, but I really don't know what to say verbally about him. He helped me so much, but not by talking like the others. His presence has some...kind of information to it, so the feeling of realizing a bunch of stuff I should already know was somehow more profound. They all feel very close and direct, the difference is with him I almost feel like I ate the information. Also he has really pretty wings (*^ω^) (I've only ever seen his and a glimpse of Raphael's)

St. Archangel Uriel.......now when they say he illuminates, they meant the really dark places. I thought Gabriel would be the one telling me things I’m not ready to hear yet, but no - that was actually Uriel. He was more gentle than Gabriel though, but then he just kept digging until it was really painful.

About (personal) Guardian Angels, what can I say from my position except that I believe in them with all my heart.

I don't know how she does it so effortlesly....if it wasn't for her, many many things in my life would have been different (a bad different).

(How do you know it's a 'she' - I don't, and she isn’t. Funny story about nicknames and childhood imaginary friends but a story for another time)

But to me the main thing about considering angels…as part of my life, is an effect that I call ‘when you see it you can't unsee it’.

Free will and all that but objectively it's past the point at which I can turn back. I can't pretend to not know what I already know about myself and how I should live my life, I mean I can - but that's all it would be...pretending. And that would be a bad choice.

She feels so........calming. She feels like, there is that thing that I’ve always been grasping at, but now it feels like it’s materially out there and now I really wanna do the thing. Like I’m not alone. Like a cloud - it’s really there, although you can’t touch it. And you’re in the cloud.

And feels like I am made of matter which belongs in this world. Like I don’t need a special permission to be alive, like it’s already ok to be a part of this world, like it’s the most natural thing and negativity doesn't really matter.

No amount of life achievements, no substance, no song, no leisure activity can make me feel this way. In my 33 years I’ve seen a lot of extreme things but reaching out to my Guardian angel just feels like logic, like the world and me like we’re both just made of logic, like the particles that make me and my external environment are in sync. But not metaphorically, in the material plane.

I can't understand why I was looking at a life of never reaching out to her....wow, that would have hurt.

tw pain >!and sometimes I wonder, is it even possible to live a good life without trying to align with one’s Guardian angel….sometimes, when I think about the prospect of returning to my old ways and not listening to her (or any of the others), it feels like I can’t do that because the thought of it hurts me physically. Not like the typical ‘pain in my chest’, but I feel like my ribs hurt, and my skin hurts, and my muscles hurt but like not metaphorically, I can literally feel my bones. That’s how I know I can never go back, because I can’t even bear to imagine it for a few seconds. !<

......and I'm not sure how to talk about this yet, but it does appear that each person has a purpose. Not in a cheesy, pop-culture 'destiny' type of way. not even in a symbolic way, but in a rather physical one.

Your purpose isn't something separate from you, not something put by an external force onto your shoulders - your purpose is part of you, physically entangled with you.

So talking to angels - good idea. Remaining grounded in physical reality - also a good idea. Thinking things are set in stone, not so much. Some of the biggest offerings I give them are just taking care of my own safety better, or taking care of my family. Because they do always seem to me like they are in the mood to care a whole lot about physical safety and prosperity being handled correctly in this world.

And it’s also very personal, across different people - I’ve noticed for example the cheeky fact that Gabriel cares a lot more whether I’m having extra sugar in my diet than whether I’m having the occasional alcoholic drink. When you think about it, with my history, he is definitely in the right to do so. But for someone else, this might be the other way around. Someone who naturally keeps themselves safe from the cold in winter and safe from their negative urges, will not need what felt like a thousand reminders from Michael, but at the same time, their struggle might be in another area of life.

'...the angels told me a message......' - and it wasn't anything about someone else. It was about me. They told me to stop being resentful. And to get my act together and start being helpful to people in my mundane life.

I'm still a bit shaken by how they are so helpful. Guess they are just nice.

***

P.S.: Juicy fact about my ignorance - I think last winter I ran into the Abramelin book translated in my native language in a very casual huge local bookstore, and didn't believe it was the real thing, got scared of Demon names being present and didn't purchase. Went back six months later and had to search through books to find it. Actually I found a lot of good esoteric books that day, all in mainstream bookshops. And on Midsummer exactly. Small towns have a lot to offer and sometimes, you don’t even have to look for it hard.

.....guys I am trying. I am trying to not be a believer, I am trying to remain cool and unbothered and science-y and sceptic but it's just impossible at this point.

Every prayer I've said, every LBRP I've done, every ritual has worked, not vaguely, not wishful thinking, but specifically, measurably, for very niche personal things with very potent results.

I can feel them while in the ritual, I can feel the mechanics and the results are....just there.

I can't anymore.

I tried so hard to be cool about it and act like it's some kind of a placebo or metaphor.

But it's hard for me to lie, I'm a bad liar.

It's real. It's all real.

My days of being a normal member of modern society are over........

How am I gonna cover my tracks with this one. Prayers and rituals worked for things that medicine has not worked on me. Repeatedly.

How am I gonna be normal after this......how am I supposed to lie to people that it doesn't work or 'we don't know yet' when I've been through so many solid results.

Existensial crisis......

Now I really do hope that I don't sound like a crazy person with this one.

There is an (Orthodox) morning prayer which I love using, and I found great benefits over time even though I did not expect anything really.

The exact same prayer, in its evening version - awful feelings, feeling sick every time, trying to swallow my emerging negative sensations and thoughts.

There is very little difference in the wording of both - primarily some parts are missing from the evening one.

I am aware that the tradition I'm trying to align with teaches against sensations in prayer, but again I am not going into it looking for them, and I am proactively switching off my imagination, and they are simply too persistent to try to lie to myself that I don't notice.

The other tangent - the one of 'you should not be using the prayers at all' - would not be applicable here, since if it were the tradition/the ritual/the energy/egregores rejecting me, surely it would happen on more occasions, and not only that of a specific evening prayer.

I am no more a sinner in the evening than I am in the morning, if anything it could even be the other way around (I'm not really obsessed with 'purity' for the sake of ritual..)

Also the results from each version (and the sensations while reading them) are completely replicable. Every. Single. Time. I'm talking about an year of observation, with other factors varying, so it can't be imagination either.

I'm starting to think this was meant as a morning prayer exclusively wnd someone copied it over to the evening's without consideration. Or that the missing parts play a huge role. Or maybe, I am missing a prerequisite, but what might it be? I don't rush it on either occations...I do it the same way. But the evening one produces a sense of rejection and resentment and overall unwellness. While the morning one I can't express enough how great it feels and acts in my life. Total bliss and unity.

Or maybe there is some kind of a solar component involved.....I don't wanna say anything out of line but, it may be the more cosmic side of things.

I also tried to suck it up and get used to the evening one but it's just too bad. It's not my imagination.......

What do you think ?

So I have been thinking over some posts that I saw the other day, people really do pay attention whenever they see for example ...an instance of a cut or something strange looking in their auric field, even just one instance.

And I have been ignoring some very serious sh*t that I see....on my astral body...I mean I know it's there....but I am a person who deals with trauma by sarcasm....so I have been making jokes about that.

While entities I work with have told me that these things could end me. Even in mundane life I've been told that ignoring my psychic wounds, is very dangerous, even though with other words (but was clear enough for me to understand the relevance.).

On top of that, I saw on multiple occasions that I'm leaking, like massive amounts of what looked like sunlight and of dark goo, both just pouring out of me, uncontrolably, like if a physical body would bleed (same mechanics)

It's multiple issues and trust me it looks really ugly you don't really wanna know what I see when I go looking.

So is it time that I start caring and taking myself seriously? Is it like ....really dangerous?

I have been through metaphysical and mundane events that can logically cause such things, but like? Do I close my eyes and wait for it to kill me? Or do I go deeper into the rabbithole ?

This digital collegue of ours is causing twice the workload by making critical mistakes in incredibly simple situations which have been explained to it multiple times, and all documentation uploaded.

After the 'upgraded' model was given extra instructuons yesterday, it started answering nonsense left and right, completely ignoring the scope of the conversation.

Another model I'm forced to use does the same, and is now bordering malicious compliance.

Yey for the AI taking my job! We are pushing it like a disabled nepo baby and it Still does not want to take my job!

I guess the future will have to wait.

How does weather divination sit with you?

...It's the day of The Holy Spirit here, which I was just reminded today, that He has strong wind correspondences.

At the moment there is the most nasty scary storm unraveling on the city (it's almost dark outside from the rain), while earlier it was a sunny day right up until the end of rush hour, so a gigantic portion of the people have just gotten home.

Something like a gentle warning? (It started really slowly too, we almost never have such storms, ans it was visible for hours that's incoming...)

I am told by almost everyone that I am 'very sensitive', which is not true - in the mundane sense, I am not sensitive at all. I have the emotional capacity of a brick, so much that I make myself feel emotions on purpose so I can fit it.

I am very sensitive in other ways, clairevoyance and clairecognience, and some other things like sensing other people's emotions. It's like I'm living their emotion instead of them, but I don't actually have my own emotional input to add, so I am not the sensitive one here.

My body is very sensitive to various stuff, which is very annoying but again can tie into the spiritual. But what I mean is I am only sensitive in the spiritual plane!

I am not sensitive in the mundane life.

So how do I make them stop seeing what is not meant for them?

My last appointment was very unnerving and raises very controversial questions for my existance. Technically I've only done recently two sessions with three different therapists each, and while the first two were willing to work with me although while spilling mainstream positivity BS, the third one....

The third one I found through research for the specific type of therapy that last psychiatrist recommended (a chief of a whole unit so I dare to think she actually knows what she's talking about).

I have BPD and recurring depressive episodes. But I decided to be really honest and complient with this therapist and really expect the best (because I know most of it is placebo anyway).

She...referred me Out of therapy.

She said that some periods in our life are not appropriate to be in therapy at all, that I should not be seeing her or any other therapist in general, that I was far too affected and I can either speak to her without calling it therapy, or get medicated.

Now.....I am a very, very big fan of experimental biohacking. I would swallow any pill if it had even the slightest chance of giving me half the desired effect.

I believe in science. I really really do.

However I have a very abnormally high sensitivity to psychiatric medication which got me hospitalized twice already.

I have the documents to prove it.

However every time I am in touch with the system they keep trying to bypass this and somehow go around and make it look like I'm just a bad patient who is not willing to try out stuff.

I have a full time job and I am also paying my elderly mother's bills. I cannot afford a third hospitalization and recovery period just for 'trying stuff out' and playing teacher's pet.

I am an adult. People depend on me.

I feel it's inhumane to suggest that I should just throw my life away in order to be granted access to therapy.

The last hospital even lost my only copy of documentation about my heart issues, and had a seminar to use me as a case study of a wrongly diagnosed patient (yes I actually had to attend a seminar to be released while I could barely walk and talk).

I am being cool about it. I really am. I really understand these guys and their ambitions and their poking around and the notion that this is not a formal science.

But realistically I cannot physically take their meds. I drink st. John's wort tea, mind you normal tea from the store - and it has a full blown SSRI effect on me. That's how sensitive my body is.

So what are some magical words to say to a new therapist so they can agree to treat me whithout a psychiatrist?

Or am I really that bad of a person for not getting drugged up and locked up?

Does it really all come down to me being punished one way or another?

Three times now, three different therapists directly decline to discuss my main issue on the second session (it's a very trivial textbook issue). Last one even sent me away. I was not rude to them, or antisocial or anything of that sort, but got told that basically it 'would hurt me too much' so they can't do it.

How do I lie to the next one about what I'm actually experiencing? Or maybe I take the hint and never cross the path of one ever again?

Is this the standard I should expect from this industry? (Even got told my eyebags are visible through my makeup , which I had decided to put on specifically to appear more socially conforming..)

I am angry, I'm so angry. They are clearly good at what they do. They clearly understand the issue. Am I suposed to live like I'm in the 12th century with no access to modern science? What is it that they want me to tell them instead?

Hello, so I never thought I would come around here and I apologize in advance if this is bothersome in any way!

Looking for some info on how the contact with your spirits feels, how do you verify who is who and so on.

Last night I had an encounter with someone who felt very, very, very different from anything I've so far experienced.

My background is that I've worked with Angels for an year now, I've worked with a volatile egregore for 3 years, and occasionally talk to plants, also had a dream guide /unidentified species/ for the last 15 years. I've done some spells not enough to get me stable experience but enough to get me scared of what is possible. In the last half an year or so I've gotten a lot back to Christianity, for some more trippy experiences.

Because of working with angels, my claire senses have heightened their sensitivity, so life is pretty interesting.

Last night I accidentally got into a meditative state while coloring (happens pretty often when I'm tired), and the world just exploded with new information.

There was this beautiful purple color all around coming from an entity with animal shapeshifting traits, but also they were a beautiful beautiful woman with dark deep glowing purple eyes and glittery dark rainbow slime streaming down her face,

And even when I was completely awake after that I continued seeing so much purple for hours! Like every single object that was purple in my surroundings popped insanely in my visual field, it was overwhealming when I realized it's a thing, an entity - I was definately not halucinating, simply I was noticing all the purple normal objects already around me, but they looked like they're not part of the scenery but glowing brightly directly into my eyes. I saw so much purple.

And the presence felt like an intelligence. Concentrated, smart, polite, calm and collected, but firm and clearly bearing information. And clearly not malevolent.

I freaked out, because this is outside of my practice. Tried to distract myself but then I wanted to know the info. The info was about something I am dealing with currently (magickaly) and I've exhausted many other methods already. It has also to do with the egregore so important not to mess up. I could not understand a word. I could not understand any of it.

I know what this spirit is not - not an angel, not a plant, not a fae, not my dream guide, and not an egregore or other thoughtform.

But I don't know who she/they are?...

....when I talk to angels, there is a certain....semantics to the communication, and the presence feels kinda all over the place, so even though I have experience in that I don't know what to do outside of that.

This presence felt much more concentrated whithinitself and thus emanating from there.

Does this sound to you like it could be in any way Goetia related?

What does your communication feel like, and what means of communication do you use?

After exhausting other options, I am getting told by people casually I should try journaling.

Before I pour an expensive portion of my free time and eye/hand working capacity, I am wondering what exactly is it supposed to do?

Because a) if it's a placebo, I'm supposed to know what it should do.

b) if it's shadow work - then I'm supposed to know what it should do.

c) if it's a manifestation technique - then I'm supposed to know what it should do.

d) if it's a cleansing technique - then I'm supposed to know what it should do.

Basically I'm considering it for help in certain aspects which neither therapy or magick can help me currently - or do it fast enough 'to feel better' (and actually make it worse in favor of other results...). But I would like to know, what should I do with it?

My job requires me to type about 9 hours a day, and my hands and eyes are always tired, so it would be a big deal to me if I 'simply try' journaling, and it turns out to be for shits and giggles.

Furthermore, I have had severe accidents with negativity in manifastations in the past, and I consider writing down a bunch of my negative beliefs very dangerous - if in my belief system speaking them into existance is a thing, imagine what writing them down could do.

What are your thoughts?

Have you guys considered laylines as points of heightened activity?

Also are there 'good' and 'bad' laylines?

I have this feeling that certain things happen around laylines that otherwise would not, and with time and more and more events happening there, it starts to create a small dent in the fabric, which in turn causes more events of crossing the veil to happen there....

How to know where laylines are?

The background story of this is too long to explain, but in short :

with some problems I had for years, after healing in other aspects, physical and metaphysical and joined, the situation finally came down to just deciding to try out a 'crazy' idea I had, and just go all in on what it seemed to be dangerous work.

It was about pulling some things out, adjusting others, and cleansing and strenghtening the third sort of things.

The problem I have now?

I don't know what I did!

I don't know how I did it?

I have no idea how it's called, or what practice does it belong to??

I have never been formally or informally taught any energy work on the human body, by anybody even for a split second.

I don't have the vocabulary to name these practices.

I was just sick of suffering and along other non-beginner friendly things I tend to practice as a beginner, I decided well, I'm gonna do it, and if it kills me, it kills me, and somehow succeeded in ...i can't believe it solved a large part of the issue!

Now....i can't pretend this is imaginary anymore. And I can't play victim of the circumstances. I spent years pleading to other people to believe me about my pain and to lead me to fix it. And I was always dismissed. And well I get it, it was the universe telling me to own my sht. But....part of me hoped it was imaginary. But it wasn't. So now I can't ignore....this I wanna say 'new' part of myself but it was there all along. It showed in other aspects.

I'm afraid I'm not mature enough mentally for what I uncovered in my life.

Does it have anything to do with me previously being an energy vampire? Is that why I can do stuff which I don't know how it's called?

I'm aware mostly anyone and everyone can do stuff, but....it was a bit unhinged? A bit out of nowhere? It was a real complicated working, it needed precision and attention, not just wishful thinking. It was the most complicated thing I have ever done.

So who am I now?.... A witch who runs rogue in another practice's teritorry?....

Or just a homo sapiens with a new toy.....

What framework should I use for overcoming resentment?

Something happened 4 years ago and I still can't get over it, although I really want to and it would be objectively the better choice.

In the last year I've had amazing results with Angelolatry in other aspects, however it doesn't work for this one thing because of the specific context and many reasons.

Btw, please don't say therapy - things there have gone very wrong.

I know I'm capable of overcoming the drawbacks, just don't know where to start and what to research (and obvuosly have no time to research everything ever).

I'm also apparently good at manifestation and road openers, and I suck badly at protection....

Also, everyone telling that either I'm unable to get over it or validating the trauma, should I take it as a sign? Omen or just a sign to close my mouth and comply with their defeatist world view?

I also have the feeling that Astrology is somehow involved in the situation, but I suck at Astrology too - is it worth looking into for this problem?

Since returning to Christianity, I am faced with much more emotional turmoil. And I don't mean it in a way of 'oh everything just went wrong/guilt type of stuff' - No, exactly the opposite, everything started to work. Old trauma is being resolved. Limitations are being moved.

Every working I've done in the mental, astral or emotional aspect, and sometimes even physical, works like a charm, like never before. I am even conflicted by the efficasy, having existential moments like - it's real, guys, it's all real, I did this highly specific spiritual thing and it worked, with a highly specific result, sometimes more than once.

It's not in my head. They're real. They hear me. They are involved.

But I am conflicted by the responsibility aspect. I am almost at my limit from exhaustion. Of being....tollerant to everything and everyone.

I used to be a very unethical practioner before, some type of Omnist agnostic but really, it was because of me being an unethical person, not because of that religious paradigm.

I didn't care about screwing over others in any situation. I am haunted by the memories of how good it felt. How safe and validating.

And now I can't stop caring. I feel empathy and I can't just switch it off like before. And I was able to act cold for many many years so I know it's from the recent practice.

And somehow others have begun to treat me worse because of that.

And I can't say or do anything, I am supposed to just be there for them and endure endlessly.

I have a problem with the suffering, it's become too chaotic. I don't mind to suffer but the way it's gotten now is everyone just blaming me constantly and coming up with more and more responsibilities that I have to adhere by, and when I am good and nice to them, they step in even more.

They're not afraid to tell me the most hurtful things and to rush me to improve myself or keep moving the goalpost. It wasn't like that before and I can't stop. I'm working with Angels and I owe them big time and I can't stop and I don't want to stop praying and self-improvement because I am not who I thought I was before.

It's never been like that before. Do I have to be bad to people so that they respect me?

Yes, I do. And I also won't do it, because of Christian-rebellios type of reasons. The societal pressure to be bad to each other sickens me. To the point sometimes I really throw up a little. I didn't know I could be that sensitive as an adult. It certainly helps the angelolatry practice....and it's partially induced by it.

I don't retaliate anymore. I don't practice energy vampirism. I don't hex people to keep them in line. I've cut out most harmful coping mechanisms. It's just me and the suffering now. But I don't know how to keep myself safe. I had a problem with too much responsibility and never building boundaries as a child, and it's resurfacing because of this.

Is this just rough patch, what am I doing wrong?... I have no clear concept of Protection apparently, but that has to do with the vampirism and drawing power from the world.....

Or is it a wrong perspective somehow?

Is it because the World is going through big changes?

I don't want to stop suffering, I just want to suffer succesfully, rather than pointlesly and feel worthless.

(I'm not gonna ask in a church because they would tell me to shut up probably. Current therapist turned me away so really unsure qhere to research for another....)