u/luna-morningstar

So I'm starting grad school in the fall! Excited and super nervous. I've been a procrastinator my whole life and though it's worked this far, I would like to try not do that in grad school 😅

My partner is also starting school in the fall. He is going to get a big dry erase calendar to hang up in the room to help him visually with remembering assignments and what not. But I know that won't work for me because I've had white boards in the past and I'll write out one month or whatever and can't be bothered to erase and write out the next month when the time comes 😂 so I need an app or something that doesn't involve manually erasing and writing.

I use Google calendar pretty successfully for general life stuff but I'm hoping to have something completely separate so that my Google calendar doesn't get too muddled with stuff, when that happens I subconsciously start blocking it out lol.

I'm hoping for something super visual that I can maybe put on my phone background, a big widget, or even better if there is also an option to have it be a huge thing on my computer desktop. Just something where it is always visually in my face.

It's tough because I even try to use Samsung reminder app for stuff and have it go to my watch but I either forget to put stuff in there altogether or I just ignore it. So if y'all have tips or hacks to stop ignoring reminders or any other tips for this topic of thing that would be amazing 🙏🏽

Thanks y'all!

I'll start.

I hate glasses of any kind so I never wear sunglasses and am grateful I don't need glasses or contacts. If I wear a hat or cute headband or something, by the end of the work day I'm ripping it off my head and giving myself a head massage.

BUT

I wear 3-4inch dangly earrings almost daily 😅 and I can sleep with a loose bonnet to protect my hair

I always wear slippers in the house (lightweight cotton ones so I don't get sweaty) because I can't stand the feeling of walking on dirty floors, and even though I run the Roomba every day, sometimes twice a day, it's not enough lol.

BUT

I love walking barefoot outside. I'll go out to my car barefoot, wipe my feet off before stepping inside, and then immediately put my slippers back on 😂

I am hyper aware of when I have stuff on my hands like food, gunk, creams, etc. I rinse my hands every few minutes in the kitchen and constantly when doing my skin and hair routines. And I can't touch anything when I have something on my hands.

BUT

I constantly have rings on almost all my fingers 🤷🏽‍♀️

There's probably more but that's all I can think of right now!

I'm (31F) at a loss with how to talk to my sister (24F), or if I even should try anymore.

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She's been dating this guy on and off for like 4 years. They've broken up at least 4 or 5 times because of his abuse, but OF COURSE, "he changed, he said he went to therapy, he k-holed and reached enlightenment, etc etc etc" To put it in perspective, the second to last time they broke up was after living together for the first time, in our home town. She knew things were so bad, she packed up all her stuff and left while he was out of town, my parents went and helped her. Then she moved in with me, 5 hours south, to get away from him. Now, he is moving 3 hours south of us (apparently they had plans to move there even when they were still together, it just seems awfully fucking convenient), and of course he weasled his way back in to her life. And since she's lived with me, they've already had one breakup which lasted like 2 weeks, maybe. Now, they're not "together" just talking 🙄 When they broke up that time she was in agreement with me that he is a narcissist and can't be trusted, and now she's like "he's not a narcissist."

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The guy, let's call him fuckface, is 40 and she is 24. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. He weaponizes his age and tries to make her feel dumb, "well people in adult relationships do xyz..." but it'll be like he's allowed to take space and she's not, she needs to accommodate to him whenever he wants. He repeatedly lies to her about stupid shit. When she was debating leaving him when they lived together, she was gone for like 4 days and he told her, in complete seriousness, "I want you to know you've traumatized the guinea pigs by leaving for 4 days, they're probably going to never want to interact with people ever again" And then she was genuinely scared to leave him because she was worried about the guinea pigs. He tells her "no one is ever going to be there for you like I am" even though I and our mother would throw down for her and we have other siblings and she has numerous good friends. He speaks negatively about me and the rest of our family. He's mean to her but says "I'm sorry, I only do things out of fear because I'm scared for your health." Starts arguments and goes above and beyond to play the victim and make her seem like she's crazy or like she's the abusive one and he's only trying to protect himself, which is bullshit. She is like the sweetest, most compassionate and empathetic, considerate person out there to where people just walk all over her :[

I could go on and on but imagine all the textbook manipulative narcissist crap and he's done it.

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He's been "moving" from 5 hours north to a storage unit 3 hours south and doing a load a week and stopping to see her every week, for like 4 months now. Which is super weird to me, and I'm sure is just a tactic to have a reason to see her. And she's watching his guinea pigs while he's in transition and "still trying to find a place he likes" which I'm sure is also just a tactic to keep her on the hook and keep communication open.

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She tried to tell me "I'm just going to feel and do things you and other people don't understand and that's okay." And I was like "no, the thing is, I DO understand because I've said and felt those exact things. Everything you're telling me right now, I told other people when they expressed concern about my ex. But I didn't listen, I had to learn the hard way, and I really don't want you to have to learn the hard way."

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I think maybe that had some impact on her but she still doesn't take me completely serious, one, because I'm her older sister and she just thinks I'm being overprotective, two, because objectively my ex was definitely a lot worse than fuckface so to her it's not even comparable, and three, I work in social services and will be attending grad school to be a therapist in the fall so she just thinks I'm trying to be all clinical with her.

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We grew up with an abusive dad and stepdad. Her ex was abusive. All she knows is abuse from men, so she doesn't know it can be another way. And she's so good and convincing herself certain things are okay when they're not.

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She also has really bad anxiety, really bad depression, really severe untreated ADHD, and likely autism. She's expressed being super scared to be alone and that she feels like she needs him in her life to not feel like dying, which breaks my heart. And it's super concerning because since she's been talking to him again, she's also said she doesn't have the desire or energy to make new friends here, which I get as a socially awkward shy person myself, but it makes me worry his narrative that only he is going to ever be there for her is starting to take root in her brain to where she doesn't want to try, whereas for a minute she was wanting to make new friends and connections. For a while when she first moved in, she was coming to me with every panic attack and tough emotion related to him or not, and now, only since she's been talking to him consistently again, she said she doesn't want to "burden me" with that stuff anymore.

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I've been trying to support her in finding a therapist, encouraging her to get medicated for ADHD, and even encouraging her to try antidepressants even just temporarily, and she'll seem open and willing to try, and then she'll go hang out with him and that all goes out the window. I'm sure he's like "you don't need any of that" because his whole approach to health and wellness is super toxic (he thinks every disease, injury, pain, and mental illness can simply be cured by researching Mind Body syndrome and doing ketamine, and it's pretty much his whole personality. Don't get me wrong, I love holistic health and wellness and alternative healing, but there needs to be a balance and acceptance of other methods when things aren't attainable. I resisted antidepressants for years and just suffered needlessly from crippling depression because of my attachment to natural healing and finally decided to try them rather than not wanting to be alive, and after 7 months on straterra, they literally saved my life). My hope is that if she can address her depression and anxiety and not feel so limited by her ADHD, she won't feel so dependent on him anymore.

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It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch my little sister go through this and I don't know how to get through to her or if I should just give up and let her learn the hard way, and be there for her when inevitably things go bad. For me, the hard way was just surviving a 4 year relationship with a monster and having trauma. My biggest fear with this is that for her, the hard way happens after they've had kids and have been together for years.

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I've had so many conversations with her and we just end up going in circles, and I don't want to push her away or make her feel like she can't talk to me, but it's also so hard to just watch her be in this situation. She used to tell me "hey I'm going to go spend the night/day with fuckface" and now she doesn't tell me at all. Yesterday I know she was with him all day and when she got home I was like oh what did you get up to on your day off? And she just said, "adventures" and then said she went to a museum but never mentioned him. I know part of that is my fault for being so vocal :[ but I also know it's his influence as well.

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Do I stop trying? Do I start harvesting foxgloves? Idk :[

I read A Touch of Darkness and am almost finished with A Game of Fate. I'm wondering if it's necessary to read Hades' books or if I can skip them? I know he has his own story and plot going on in his life, but the overall story is the same and I find myself getting bored of hearing about the same thing twice. His subplot isn't interesting enough right now for me to feel like it's worth reading essentially the same thing twice. Does that change and it gets more interesting? Do his books become more important?

On Goodreads they are listed as separate series, but other things I've seen have them together alternating between the books.

Thanks y'all!

My hair is down to my butt crack. I like to keep very minimal layers, if any at all, because I feel like with my fine hair, it will look too thin towards the bottom. But after going through this sub a bit, I'm starting to think my issues lie around my hair being too long and being weighed down with length, maybe layers would help.

It does the thing where if I don't do anything, it's not completely wavy but not straight either. Some parts kind of wave, some mild poof, some straight but with frizz. The frizz annoys me to no end.

Heatless/overnight curls work amazing in my hair, both with and without product. The curls hold, minimal frizz. But I don't have the energy or time to do that all the time, or sometimes I wash my hair in the morning. If I can get myself to do the curl attachments on my shark flexstyle, those work too, but same thing, I'm lazy 😅

I tried top plopping once and it just made my hair look limp, stringy, and flat. But I was also still experimenting with products then and it's possible I was using something too heavy, I suppose I could try again 🤔

Sometimes diffusing from the bottom works fine but then sometimes it just gets frizzy but kind of wavy and also kind of fucked up looking. I saw on some other threads folks recommended diffusing from the side? Or maybe hammock diffusing?

If I scrunch before air drying, the waves fall right out and then go straight when wet and then dry back in that annoying not straight but not nice waves pattern (probably because of length?)

I've seen some things about timing and not touching it until the cast forms and then breaking it but I think I'm having a hard time figuring out how to do that or what method to do with it.

My hair is very prone to being weighed down with product and looking stringy and actually getting moisture damage, so I can't use creams or anything that says "moisture." I'm using amika frizz me not right now and that seems to be the best thing I've used for the frizz that doesn't make my hair look gross, but it doesn't completely get rid of the frizz (because I'm assuming it's from lack of wave pattern). I've been using a giovanni mousse, layered on top of the amika, but it doesn't seem to do much. It didn't seem to do much layered on top of the giovanni smoothing detangler I was using before the amika either. I'm thinking about trying bumble and bumble thickening full form hair mousse? I've debated using something with more hold but I also like "touchable" texture, but now I'm starting to fear I can't have both.

I use shampoo bars & conditioner, alternating between kitsch and earthling co. I was afraid of silicones for years but a few weeks ago did some research on water soluble silicones and then tried amika and my hair seems pretty happy with that, less breakage and tangles. Should I try shampoo or conditioner with water soluble silicones as well? Or would that be too much?

I would love tips for styling that is easier/quicker than my shark curler, whether that's air drying, diffusing, plopping, or anything else for that matter. Is it hopeless with my length and no layers? Should I try layers? 🫣

I've been with my partner for 7 years and this has been a huge point of contention for a couple years now.

I've never been strong with this love language with anyone, ever, in my entire life. So it's not like anything has changed. I'm really strong with physical touch and quality time, and I've been putting effort into words of affirmation because that is also something that has felt uncomfortable/difficult for me that my partner expressed needing. That is easier for me to do than acts of service, but still awkward, and I do still have work to do with that. And it's not like I don't do things for people. If someone asks me hey can you pick up this thing, or prepare that, or clean this, or help me set this up, or whatever, I'm almost always like yes absolutely. I'll happily spend hours helping people clean or organize or set up for an event or whatever, no problem. I bead elaborate things for people for their birthdays. But someone has to ask me or it has to be like oh this person has a birthday, I can't just get my brain to think about random surprise acts of service.

He wants me to surprise him with random acts of love like leaving cute notes for him to find, surprising him with breakfast, or just things that, in his words, "show you actually think, I love my partner, what can I do and say just to make him feel loved and happy" The problem is, my brain just doesn't work that way, and I don't know how to make it. And it's not like I never show him love. I'm always touching him, wanting to be near him, spend time with him. That's literally the only thing I don't do consistently, and he constantly says it doesn't feel like I love him or that I don't care to put effort into something that he needs in a relationship. And it's not like I never do that either, it's just not frequently. One time while he was out of town I detailed his car and he said he felt super loved. I've brought him super food drinks he likes to work. One time I wrote a bunch of cute notes and left them everywhere but I only did it because it was after a long argument about this exact thing, so it felt weird and forced and not authentic, but he felt loved. And there have been other things.

Aside from the fact that I've never been good at this in my life, I spent years like insanely depressed, could barely get myself to do anything to take care of me, so I definitely wasn't going to be surprising him with breakfast when I could barely get myself to eat, and during that depression is when this whole argument started. But I took antidepressants for a bit and now Adderall and so for 1.5 years or so I haven't felt depressed, which is amazing, but now he's like "you're not depressed anymore, why is this still a hard thing?"

One; kind of the whole object permanence thing. If it's not right in front of me I'm not really thinking about it. I'm thinking about work at work, or cleaning the house when I'm at home and the house is messy. I'm bad at keeping in touch with people for this reason. I'm bad at planning far in advance because my brain can't conceptualize it existing yet. And I'm bad at finishing art projects if they aren't right in front of me.

And two; between a full time job, maintaining a workout routine, a self care routine, art projects and hobbies, eating enough, and keeping the house clean in a house of disorganized and dirty roommates (I become SUPER dysregulated when things aren't clean and tidy and I freak the fuck out and rage clean, but also I clean to like relax and ground oddly enough, probably so I can actually relax in my space), I just don't feel like I have the brain power or bandwidth for thinking of surprises. But then I feel guilty because he is good at these things. I just got accepted into grad school and he and a couple of our close friends planned a surprise GF ramen dinner for me to celebrate, and it was so sweet, and I don't think I would have ever thought of that.

I really think ADHD plays a huge role in my difficulty with this, but ever since I was diagnosed and I've started learning why I do some things that I do and making a lot of realizations as to what works and what doesn't, my partner has said a couple times he feels like I'm letting my ADHD control me or dictate my life rather than finding strategies to combat it. For instance, if I'm hyper focused and locked in to a task, I'm going to stay like that and finish the damn task. If that helps me get shit done and I know the likelihood of finishing is slim if I stop, I don't necessarily feel the need to change that. He doesn't like when I do that because sometimes I stay up late, skip meals, or don't pay attention to him when I'm locked in and he thinks by me saying it won't get done if I don't do it now (aka I have dopamine now leave me alone) that I'm letting it control me or whatever. So because of that, I don't think he'll accept ADHD as "an excuse" or reason to why I can't to acts of service.

On the contrary, sex is a really big need for me to feel close and connected. He gets in these mind states where he is anxious or just feeling some type of way and will not be in the mood, sometimes for like a month, and it makes me sad to feel rejected or not close to him. But I am NEVER like "you're not meeting my needs, it doesn't feel like you love me or are attracted to me" even though sometimes I feel that way because I also want to have grace for his feelings, the way his brain/body works, and whatever is going on with him.

I understand that is a need for him that isn't getting met, and it makes him sad, but I don't know what to do. I'm having a hard time figuring out if I'm just selfish, if I'm just not putting enough effort into making my brain work like this, if he just needs to accept that I might never be able to do this consistently, or if we're just not compatible because of this misalignment in love languages. It's hard because aside from this, we have a healthy relationship overall, we have the same interests and hobbies, we're supportive of each other, have a lot of fun together, and love each other very much. We've put a lot of work into our communication styles and triggers, we've been to couples therapy after some big conflict 4-5 years back, and we've gotten a lot stronger because of it. But I'm also getting really tired of feeling like whatever I do is never going to be enough for him.

Tips or advice?

I've only DNF'd 2 books ever, and I read 42 last year for perspective lol. And quite a few of those were awful and probably should have DNF'd 😅 idk if I'm just hoping they'll get better, or if I have some internalized "don't be a quitter" mentality from my dad, or if I fear that it actually does get good and I'll never know, or what, but it's annoying lol.

I'm currently reading and listening (I switch based on what I'm doing) to Pirates of Aletharia and I want to like it so bad because I just want a good lesbian Romantasy, but it's just not good 😩 I'm about 3.5 hours in, 13 hours left. Has anyone read this book and would recommend I finish?

I think usually I would just be like whatever I'll finish, it doesn't matter. But I just got accepted to grad school in the fall and I know my reading is going to have to slow down a lot and now I'm like damnit I don't want to waste my time reading bad books. But also... What if it's not bad and it's just a slow start? Ugh

Side note: any recs on GOOD lesbian Romantasy? Witching Moon was cute but meh, I thought the writing was juvenile, Treasured was the same, Dragon Queens was so bad, I DNF'd The Dark Tide. I LOVED As Many Souls As Stars but I wish it was spicier lol. I want the quality of writing as God's & Monsters by Amber V Nicole or any of Carissa Broadbent's or Keri Lake's books, but lesbian. Even Melissa Roehrich, SJM, or Rebecca Yarros. I want complex well written plot, character depth and development, strong and smooth world building, dialogue that isn't cheesy, but with lesbians.