u/magdakitsune21

I really want to have a purpose in life but I just feel like it isn't fully possible. I have been following the traditional path all my life with university, tried some stuff on the side, but at the same time I do want to do something that aligns with the image of "dream life". But I just realised that in general, I am incapable of doing things that don't have a clear scheme I can follow. I am incapable of getting this great idea that really speaks to me, I am unsure how to network properly, when some project doesn't work out I can rarely tell why it happened. I study a good major and got a great summer job before graduation but this often gets faced with "you'll be a slave to the system so this isn't an optimal path". And no, these people don't want to sell me anything. Many of them are people that I know personally and who actually managed to escape employment, one of them owns one of those reposted content aggregator pages on social media (which I have also tried and failed miserably, to the point of other aggregators straight up telling me I'm bad and I should give up).

And no, this post isn't some "speaking bad about myself" type of post. Just feeling lost because I have a desired path but no idea how to reach it

It feels like being in a relationship became a default at this point. I have friends constantly trying to set me up, when I say that I don't want to date then they'll always get shocked and ask "why?", asking me when I will go and find a boyfriend, saying "in my opinion you should have given him a chance" any time I reject someone and explain it with not wanting to date. Fanily has been more supportive of me but also started pressuring recently and hitting me with "you don't want a partner?!". Also any time I meet a male friend, they always assume he must be in love with me and that "he wouldn't put in so much effort if he didn't have a crush on you".

This stuff comes from both men and women

ASD has caused me huge issues with independent thinking, everything I do needs to have a clear step by step scheme because otherwise I am lost. This leads to the fact that all those dream life portrayals just aren't possible for me. I can't get this life changing idea, I can't network effectively, I don't know how to get resources without someone giving them directly to me. I follow the traditional path right now with university but I feel like the only reason for that is just all the issues that ASD gives me. And it doesn't help that around me there are tons of people pushing the "you build your own fate" and "you are responsible for your own achievements" narratives, which both totally ignore the fact that sometimes there legit are people who just cannot actively affect how their life looks, whether it be due to disability or other stuff. I also tried achieving the same things as those successful people do, but it never worked out for me and I could never ever know what went wrong (also possibly an ASD thing).

Just a rant.

ASD has caused me huge issues with independent thinking, everything I do needs to have a clear step by step scheme because otherwise I am lost. This leads to the fact that all those dream life portrayals just aren't possible for me. I can't get this life changing idea, I can't network effectively, I don't know how to get resources without someone giving them directly to me. I follow the traditional path right now with university but I feel like the only reason for that is just all the issues that ASD gives me. And it doesn't help that around me there are tons of people pushing the "you build your own fate" and "you are responsible for your own achievements" narratives, which both totally ignore the fact that sometimes there legit are people who just cannot actively affect how their life looks, whether it be due to disability or other stuff. I also tried achieving the same things as those successful people do, but it never worked out for me and I could never ever know what went wrong.

Just a rant.

Idk what to do. It's been 4 years past my breakup and I still feel attached to my ex. This is killing me everyday and everytime I think things are getting better, there is this one trigger that resets the whole circle again. We are still in contact due to work and business related stuff. I know the easiest solution for most people would probably be "find someone else", but it isn't that simple and I am really not in the best place to find someone rn. How can I break it?

I can't ask directly whether they do or not bc that would be invasive and it is very easy to just say no. But I have a friend group with 2 other people where a fourth person sometimes joins. That person talks basically only to the 2 other friends and when they talk they often refer to things that I do not understand or that I do not remember talking about. I remember how some time ago they started playing games without telling me, and the fourth person invited them to things but not me. And I know it doesn't have to be a big deal that they have a separate group chat, but last time when it happened with another group then they ended up kicking me forever because they found me too boring

Literally every time I get a male friend, he develops feelings for me, and once I say "no", he leaves. It is so tiring. I get jealous of other women talking about having male friends as if it was a normal thing, then when I share my issue they're like "it never happens to me!" or they ask me why I dont try getting male friends since it is "easier" for them to get male friends than female.

Also my question is not how to stop them from leaving, it is how to avoid the feelings in the first place. Since it happens with every single one of them, it must be a pattern

I basically never had a friend during my childhood, even tho people claim it is "easier" to make friends then. Nowadays I know so many autistic people who have long term friends that they can trust. I try to make new friends constantly but it only ends with ghosting or people not giving the same effort back. And the friendships I currently have are always either temporary or fake, but I choose to be with the people just for not being lonely. Even irl support groups led by psychologists gave me weird stares when I expressed not being able to make friends, because according to everyone the only issue that should come with autism is not knowing when to message your already existing friends. It reached a point where I feel bitter about people who have large friend groups but say "I think I might be autistic", or the type of autistic people who say "I have no issue making friends, just keeping them!" and "I have no friends besides my one best friend I knew forever!"