u/mutenamii

Just some short and quick transparency for other people going through it.. it’s been about I would say three weeks or a month since I went involuntarily no contact with my ex.

Recently, I have gone out my bubble of isolation.. meeting up with friends, sipping responsibly, exploring my neighborhood.. the isolation or work and home routine worked well for him in our relationship, but clearly that kept me and his abuse in line.. I had enough of that. I’ve started to smile at strangers and greet them and even talk/flirt with some other singles and it’s been so nice and refreshing and reviving to communicate with people who are not suffering from addiction or NPD.

Addiction seems to make it all about the substance and the person. We struggle right alongside them but it’s not in any equal sense. I promise to myself I will literally never get so involved with someone else’s struggle like that ever again. It takes time.. I know his memory is not entirely gone. Some things are coming back to me in pieces because I watched him go through some really traumatic things so even innocent parts of our relationship like our first few dates I completely forgot in the aftermath of the more critical things that happened. That too shall pass. I don’t think it ever will be gone from me completely.. but I definitely feel like a lot of of my experience is now to just actually enjoy someone else wether it be for a while or for longer but to be in my body once more in a healthy way and not in a way where I’m giving up bits and pieces of my own life and goals to show someone else they are able to overcome (just to have to overcome their deceit and betrayal towards you) is no longer my thing .. you need space to create goals and opinions about your own self, surroundings.. and when you’re dealing with someone else and their chaos it leaves no room for that.

I just wanted to leave this here for anyone else feeling stuck in their feels. You will be OK. They might not be, send them some love and well wishes in the mind.. but that’s no longer our problem.

Just some short and quick transparency for other people going through it.. it’s been about I would say three weeks or a month since I went involuntarily no contact with my ex.

Recently, I have gone out my bubble of isolation.. meeting up with friends, sipping responsibly, exploring my neighborhood.. the isolation or work and home routine worked well for him in our relationship, but clearly that kept me and his abuse in line.. I had enough of that. I’ve started to smile at strangers and greet them and even talk/flirt with some other singles and it’s been so nice and refreshing and reviving to communicate with people who are not suffering from addiction or NPD.

Addiction seems to make it all about the substance and the person. We struggle right alongside them but it’s not in any equal sense. I promise to myself I will literally never get so involved with someone else’s struggle like that ever again. It takes time.. I know his memory is not entirely gone. Some things are coming back to me in pieces because I watched him go through some really traumatic things so even innocent parts of our relationship like our first few dates I completely forgot in the aftermath of the more critical things that happened. That too shall pass. I don’t think it ever will be gone from me completely.. but I definitely feel like a lot of of my experience is now to just actually enjoy someone else wether it be for a while or for longer but to be in my body once more in a healthy way and not in a way where I’m giving up bits and pieces of my own life and goals to show someone else they are able to overcome (just to have to overcome their deceit and betrayal towards you) is no longer my thing .. you need space to create goals and opinions about your own self, surroundings.. and when you’re dealing with someone else and their chaos it leaves no room for that.

I just wanted to leave this here for anyone else feeling stuck in their feels. You will be OK. They might not be, send them some love and well wishes in the mind.. but that’s no longer our problem.

This is just a quick vent, but does anyone else get pissed at how integrated you became in your ex- partner’s life? then after you break up sometimes it’s just so so quiet and your nervous system is like well.. where’s the chaos?

Most of the time I was isolated, or I was out and about with him, so all of the enjoyment such as you know outings, markets, sex, bars and hobbies etc was with that person and then when we were long distance I was usually in downtime.. watching movies, facetime etc..

Now that the relationship is over, I find myself still in this downtime. I know I’m gonna have to open up and get out again to find another partner, but I’m just like wow I got so use to the isolation. Don’t get me wrong…I’m staying busy in my everyday life. But I find myself so irritated and almost bored in the silence. I just got so comfortable, and I believed so deeply in the future with that person. Now it’s like starting all over again. It almost infuriates me because as exhausting as it was keeping up with addict behavior and monitoring and anticipating ups and downs.. I still had a routine with them! It’s almost unfair because he’s out at bars, hotels with other users and zooming through the town high and drunk socializing & hanging out with new women.. meanwhile I’m processing.

Now I’m reviving myself and I’m grateful but sheesh does it take a lot of energy to get back into the groove! meeting new people and sitting in pure silence.

I’m a 30 F, and my ex is 29 M.

We were together for two+ years, and I’m still trying to process everything that happened.

When we met, I had absolutely no idea he was actively using cocaine. Looking back now, I know he was also binge drinking, but at the time I genuinely believed I had met someone who simply enjoyed going out. We played billiards, chess.. went to family events and started living together. He hid his addiction well.. but I definitely noticed inconsistencies in his behavior. Any arguments he couldn’t look me in my eye.. he had to scroll through instagram reels. After arguments or upset he would sit out in the parking garage all night. This never changed in the years together. He’d get so frustrated during some disagreements that he couldn’t just “leave” because we were either out of town and there was no where for him to go and he wanted to avoid the conversation. So, addiction + severe avoidance.

The truth started coming out the first time we visited him his hometown for the holidays + our birthdays.

That’s when I began discovering things that completely changed my understanding of who I was dating. I learned he had been using cocaine while we were together, he got super erratic with me, left me outside his dealers house the first night we flew in.. grabbed my phone and literally ran into the night leaving me waiting in the car while it was running.. left me at a restaurant where his step-mom had to come retrieve me as he headed up to a casino to meet his entourage of addicts.. I also uncovered numerous lies about his past, his favorite bar, previous relationships , his sexual history, and other aspects of his life. It felt like I was constantly uncovering another layer of deception every single month.

Despite all of that, I stayed because I believed addiction and trauma was driving a lot of his behavior, and I loved the person I thought he could be underneath it.

Things eventually became much worse.

His addiction escalated.. he lost his car, his jobs, and in the month of us being separated.. he suffered a life-threatening medical emergency that resulted in a lengthy hospitalization. His kidneys and liver were severely affected, he went into rhabdo and they placed him in a coma for days.. there were times his family wasn’t sure he would survive. I stayed by his side emotionally and physically (I’m talking bed baths and more) through that entire experience, remained close with his family members, and truly believed surviving something that serious would change the course of his life.

After he recovered, we ended up reconnecting and trying again. For a while, I allowed myself to believe we had a second chance.

Unfortunately, the lies returned. My intuition kept telling me something wasn’t right. The secrecy, the emotional distance, the inconsistencies—they all came back. Eventually I learned he had relapsed again while back at home (he crutched into his favorite bar and did cocaine 2 weeks off dialysis). This ended in an altercation with his dad, involuntarily detox and sober living. I stood with him through that as well.

Months later, he was living with his cousin, who is in long-term recovery herself. She and her husband have worked incredibly hard to build a stable home for themselves and their two young children. During my visit with them, I discovered he was secretly bringing cocaine into their home and drinking there while telling everyone he was sober.

I made the difficult decision to tell his cousin a few weeks ago when I found out he deceived me and was on a bender while ignoring my calls.. I was devastated he chose to leave me in the dark and I couldn’t live with keeping that secret , especially knowing there were children in the home and knowing how hard she had fought for her own recovery.

He was furious that I told her.

Instead of taking responsibility, he blocked me on everything without any conversation or closure. Told me I ruined it all and he knew I would tell.

That was the end of our relationship.

No contact besides small updates from his family. His father is enabling. He’s not doing therapy or rehab. Some days I feel relieved. Other days I still struggle to understand how someone I spent two years with could choose addiction over every relationship that genuinely cared about him.

I know I couldn’t save him. I know addiction changes people. But I’m still trying to separate the addiction from the person I loved. He went from literally being so scared of losing me or looking and searching my name in every search engine and screenshot things and having my location to just now I’m completely blocked with no contact whatsoever.

For those who have lived through addiction either as the person struggling or as someone who loved an addict:

Is it common for someone in active addiction to completely cut off the people who hold them accountable?

I’m not looking for hope that he’ll come back. I’m looking for honesty, perspective, and hopefully some peace from people who truly understand this kind of experience.

Thank you for reading <3

I found something out today that honestly hit me less than I expected.

Me, 30 F Q 29 M

So..
The night he disabled his location, lied about where he was, and ultimately got kicked out and ended our relationship… he wasn’t just “out.” He was at that bar.

The same bar where his cocaine use first really took off.

The same bar he swore he’d never go back to after everything happened.

The same bar he went back to on crutches after almost dying in the hospital, where he got so intoxicated that his dad had to come get him, they got into an altercation, and he ended up falling down the stairs and breaking both of his legs (his dad).

Looking back, it’s almost eerie how every major turning point in his addiction seems to trace back to that place.I used to think it was just a bar. Now I don’t think it ever was. I think it became his identity. He doesn’t know who he is. I’ve seen him transform into a different person in front of different audience. With me, he was my man. He was my best friend. With them.. that’s his “community.” The place where he felt accepted without having to change. Where he could tell them fabricated stories of how we grew up and what we went through.

It’s strange because for a long time I thought I was competing with another woman, or with cocaine itself. Now I’m realizing I was competing with an entire lifestyle and a group of people that reinforced it. Every time he had a choice between recovery and going back there, he eventually found his way back to that bar.

The fact that he turned his location off the night I knew it was getting to the point of relapse..tells me he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew I’d recognize what it meant if I saw where he was.

It makes me wonder… have any of you experienced this with an addicted partner? Not just a person, but a place that seemed to have an almost magnetic pull on them?

We’re no longer in contact as of a few weeks now FYI.. these are just bits & pieces coming forward after the fact.

Hey guys,

So.. I’m going to get a blood test/urine test soon..
I’ve been pregnant before 5 years ago.. had a DNC.
This time around.. 5 years later, I’ve had all regular cycles. I had unprotected and very much TMI all inside during my visit with my ex-bf on May 1-4. I ovulated on April 28-30th to my knowledge.

I got a cycle on May 7th, for 4 days. Ended May 11.
I got a random bleed on May 13.

I am now 15 days late for my next cycle.
This has never happened to me before.

I do however feel like I ovulated on June 10th rather than having a cycle. I’ve had no other ovulation symptoms this month besides that day of eggy-discharge. This is very unusual for me!

Anyone experience this? What was the outcome?

I got an update today that honestly left me feeling more confused and angry than I expected.

30 F and 29 M

For context, my ex is struggling with addiction. There have been lies, manipulation, disappearing acts, family drama, broken trust, and more chaos than I can even summarize in one post. I told his family he relapsed last weekend when he tried to manipulate me to hold the secret that he was using and back in the bars.. and I thought this was going to hold him accountable once he got kicked out of his cousins because she has kids and that was the rule.

I finally reached a point where I stopped trying to save him and started focusing on myself. He blamed me for ruining it “all” and he blocked me everywhere except text. I stopped responding after a simple “lol” he sent when I said he was at the root.

Today I reached out to his sister for a pulse check because, if I’m being honest, I still care about him.
What I learned was that his dad is paying for a hotel for him until the end of the month, he has a roommate situation lined up afterward, and he still isn’t interested in treatment or addiction help.

His sister also said she barely gets much from him when they do talk.

So basically, when rock bottom came your dad saved you AGAIN. The same dad’s legs you broke in an altercation! This family is NUTSS. I’m the bad guy in the end! I’m the villain! I kept everyone in the loop on their star child and he’s rewarded for doing drugs and drinking yet again! And of course.. I will soon be replaced by the next girl. Two YEARS.

That update hit me harder than I expected.

I think part of me thought that after all the destruction, all the burned bridges, all the consequences, there would be some moment where he finally looked in the mirror and said, “I need help.” But now I know.. that moment may never ever come. Instead, it feels like life is just continuing. Another place to stay. Another temporary solution.Maybe I’m still in my feelings. I just can’t believe this.

I realize as I’m typing this that maybe what I’m grieving isn’t him. Maybe it’s the realization that no amount of loving him, supporting him, explaining things to him, or sacrificing for him was ever going to make him choose recovery. choose me. choose us.

incredible.

I think I’ve been sitting with a realization lately.

Me: 30 F, Q - 29 M (Coke and alcohol)

For a long time, I thought what I was grieving was the relationship itself. But I think what I’m actually grieving is the loss of access.

I miss being able to call him. I miss having someone I felt connected to. I miss having someone who knew my day-to-day life. I miss the familiarity. I miss the version of the future I thought we were building.
But when I step back and look at the reality of the situation, I also have to be honest with myself. The relationship wasn’t functioning.

There was addiction, dishonesty, instability, disappearing acts, broken trust, and a complete inability to build a consistent future together.

I realized recently that we never even had a closure conversation. There wasn’t a mature discussion about what happened or why things ended. It ended with blame, anger, deflection, and being blocked.

That’s it.

For a while, I think part of me was still waiting for some grand conversation this week.. I still anticipate contact but I know a conversation that would make everything make sense isn’t logical in this state.

But the longer I’ve sat with it, the more I’ve realized that closure may simply be accepting reality.
The reality is that I loved someone who is struggling deeply. The reality is that no amount of loving him could fix the problems he refused or was unable to address. The reality is that I spent a long time holding onto who he could become instead of who he was showing me he was.
And maybe the hardest realization of all: I don’t think I necessarily miss the relationship as much as I miss the bond, the access, the companionship, and the future I imagined.
I’m still grieving. Some days are harder than others. But I think for the first time, I’m starting to separate missing someone from believing they were actually capable of giving me the life I wanted.

A few weeks ago I was posting here trying to make sense of my recent ex’s relapse (29 M) I found out he was hiding his using and he asked me to keep it a secret. I couldn’t do that to his family any longer. This subsequently got him kicked out of his housing situation..

He had gone from owning a business and having his own place to losing almost everything after addiction took over. There were hospitalizations, rehab, periods of sobriety, relapses, and endless promises that things would be different.
The update is that things have somehow gotten worse. He’s now living out of his car. Family members who love him are struggling to reach him.

People keep trying to help, but he seems determined to isolate himself and continue using. He’s been offered a roof if he gets into treatment. He refused. He wants to just work and drink and do cocaine. We both come from wealth and connections so this is just so unbelievable.. Every time I think, “Surely this will be the thing that makes him want to change,” it isn’t.

What’s been hardest for me is accepting that addiction can make someone choose a life that looks completely irrational from the outside. I spent so much time believing that if he just remembered what he had to lose, he’d stop. But I’m realizing that consequences don’t automatically create recovery.

Sometimes people keep sinking even when everyone around them is throwing them lifelines. I was feeling down about being the one to expose him but I did it out of love. He’s killing himself. There is no functional lifestyle at this point of usage.

The biggest shift for me isn’t in his situation—it’s in mine. I’m starting to understand that I’ve been measuring his potential instead of his reality. The reality today is that he is actively choosing a lifestyle that revolves around addiction, and there is nothing I can do to love, reason, support, or sacrifice him into wanting recovery.

I’m still sad. I’m still worried. We haven’t talked for days because he’s pissed I exposed him and his family is at their wits end. I know at this point this goes one of 3 ways.. he gets arrested, he gets hospitalized or he dies.

Has anyone else had to come to terms with watching someone continue to self-destruct despite having people who genuinely loved them?

A few weeks ago I was posting here trying to make sense of my recent ex’s relapse (29 M) I found out he was hiding his using and he asked me to keep it a secret. I couldn’t do that to his family any longer. This subsequently got him kicked out of his housing situation..

He had gone from owning a business and having his own place to losing almost everything after addiction took over. There were hospitalizations, rehab, periods of sobriety, relapses, and endless promises that things would be different.
The update is that things have somehow gotten worse. He’s now living out of his car. Family members who love him are struggling to reach him.

People keep trying to help, but he seems determined to isolate himself and continue using. He’s been offered a roof if he gets into treatment. He refused. He wants to just work and drink and do cocaine. We both come from wealth and connections so this is just so unbelievable.. Every time I think, “Surely this will be the thing that makes him want to change,” it isn’t.

What’s been hardest for me is accepting that addiction can make someone choose a life that looks completely irrational from the outside. I spent so much time believing that if he just remembered what he had to lose, he’d stop. But I’m realizing that consequences don’t automatically create recovery.

Sometimes people keep sinking even when everyone around them is throwing them lifelines. I was feeling down about being the one to expose him but I did it out of love. He’s killing himself. There is no functional lifestyle at this point of usage.

The biggest shift for me isn’t in his situation—it’s in mine. I’m starting to understand that I’ve been measuring his potential instead of his reality. The reality today is that he is actively choosing a lifestyle that revolves around addiction, and there is nothing I can do to love, reason, support, or sacrifice him into wanting recovery.

I’m still sad. I’m still worried. We haven’t talked for days because he’s pissed I exposed him and his family is at their wits end. I know at this point this goes one of 3 ways.. he gets arrested, he gets hospitalized or he dies.

Has anyone else had to come to terms with watching someone continue to self-destruct despite having people who genuinely loved them?

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, perspective, or just a place to put this down.

I was involved with someone (Bf of 2 years.. no contact since last sunday) whose life became increasingly chaotic due to addiction, instability, disappearing acts, broken promises, and a general inability to take responsibility for the damage they were causing. For a long time, I convinced myself that if I loved them enough, supported them enough, understood them enough, maybe things would eventually stabilize.

They didn’t.

Now we’re no longer speaking, I exposed his relapse to his family who along with myself thought he was on the mend.. but alas, he was doing way worse than before.. worse than before he overdosed, worse when he relapsed the first time.. so he got kicked out.. and of course it’s ALL my fault.. and I keep finding myself stuck on a thought that feels irrational but won’t leave me alone: what if they’re suddenly doing better without me?

What if he’s happy? What if he’s finally functioning? What if they’ve already moved on to someone else? What if they’re out there living their life while I’m still trying to recover from everything that happened while I get my own routine and life back without him.

The strange thing is that I don’t actually want them to suffer. I don’t sit around hoping they’re miserable. But I think part of me struggles with the idea that someone can create so much chaos, leave so much hurt behind, and then appear perfectly fine while the people who cared about them are left sorting through the emotional wreckage.

I know addiction and dysfunction aren’t logical. I know someone can look happy while still being deeply unwell.. and I do mean deeply. He was starting to hoard, pee in bottles by the bed, drink daily, lie more, manipulate me more, moldy rings around the toilet, not brush his teeth, not wash his hair, not bathe for days.. all while going to the bars and gas stations after work, making plans with his drug friends and starting to get so mean because I was interfering with it all. I know it’s time to let go, I’m feeling it.. but I guess I’m just going through all the motions.

Has anyone else been through the same??

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, perspective, or just a place to put this down.

I was involved with someone (Bf of 2 years.. no contact since last sunday) whose life became increasingly chaotic due to addiction, instability, disappearing acts, broken promises, and a general inability to take responsibility for the damage they were causing. For a long time, I convinced myself that if I loved them enough, supported them enough, understood them enough, maybe things would eventually stabilize.

They didn’t.

Now we’re no longer speaking, I exposed his relapse to his family who along with myself thought he was on the mend.. but alas, he was doing way worse than before.. worse than before he overdosed, worse when he relapsed the first time.. so he got kicked out.. and of course it’s ALL my fault.. and I keep finding myself stuck on a thought that feels irrational but won’t leave me alone: what if they’re suddenly doing better without me?

What if he’s happy? What if he’s finally functioning? What if they’ve already moved on to someone else? What if they’re out there living their life while I’m still trying to recover from everything that happened while I get my own routine and life back without him.

The strange thing is that I don’t actually want them to suffer. I don’t sit around hoping they’re miserable. But I think part of me struggles with the idea that someone can create so much chaos, leave so much hurt behind, and then appear perfectly fine while the people who cared about them are left sorting through the emotional wreckage.

I know addiction and dysfunction aren’t logical. I know someone can look happy while still being deeply unwell.. and I do mean deeply. He was starting to hoard, pee in bottles by the bed, drink daily, lie more, manipulate me more, moldy rings around the toilet, not brush his teeth, not wash his hair, not bathe for days.. all while going to the bars and gas stations after work, making plans with his drug friends and starting to get so mean because I was interfering with it all. I know it’s time to let go, I’m feeling it.. but I guess I’m just going through all the motions.

Has anyone else been through the same??

I’m struggling with something that I don’t know how to explain to people who haven’t loved someone with a severe addiction.

My ex and I aren’t speaking. He’s angry with me because I told his family that he relapsed. It’s made him homeless. From his perspective, I betrayed him. From mine, I was watching someone I cared about disappear back into the exact people, places, and behaviors that almost killed him before. I know, it’s a choice.

What makes this especially hard is that this isn’t our first period of silence. The last time we went through a breakup and stopped talking, he ended up in a medically catastrophic situation after an overdose and drug-induced psychosis. There was a coma, hospitalization, months of recovery, and somehow he survived.

Now he’s using again.

The silence feels different when you’ve already watched someone die once.

I miss him and it’s only been 24 hours, but at the same time I know I can’t reach out. The person I’d be reaching out to isn’t really operating in reality right now. He’s angry, defensive, blaming everyone except the addiction. I know enough about addiction to understand that logic, love, and reason don’t work when someone is deep in it.

What I’m struggling with is the feeling that I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Every day that I don’t hear anything, my mind wonders if he’s okay. Did he make it to work? Is he sleeping somewhere? Is he safe? Did he get a bad batch? Did he pick a fight with the wrong person again? Is he spiraling further?..

I hate that my brain even goes there, but after everything that’s happened, it feels impossible not to.

Part of me feels guilty for telling his family. Another part of me knows there were already multiple people noticing things weren’t right. I wasn’t the only one concerned. His family deserved to know that he had relapsed, kids were involved in the home, they were providing him a place to live and trusting him around their children.

The hardest thing for me to accept is that surviving death once wasn’t enough. He knocked on death’s door. He lost everything. He suffered through the consequences. And yet addiction still convinced him to go back to the same people and places that almost buried him. He doesn’t see that those bar thugs aren’t his people.

For those of you who have loved an addict, how do you deal with the uncertainty? How do you move forward when you know you can’t save them, but you’re also terrified that one day you’ll get the phone call you’ve been dreading?

I think that’s the part I’m stuck on. Not the breakup itself. It would be almost easier to mourn him if I’d know it was another woman. It’s not the lack of love. It’s the addiction. The feeling that I have to live my life while knowing someone I still love is actively self-destructing and that I have absolutely no control over what happens next. I hate it.

I’m struggling with something that I don’t know how to explain to people who haven’t loved someone with a severe addiction.

My ex and I aren’t speaking. He’s angry with me because I told his family that he relapsed. It’s made him homeless. From his perspective, I betrayed him. From mine, I was watching someone I cared about disappear back into the exact people, places, and behaviors that almost killed him before. I know, it’s a choice.

What makes this especially hard is that this isn’t our first period of silence. The last time we went through a breakup and stopped talking, he ended up in a medically catastrophic situation after an overdose and drug-induced psychosis. There was a coma, hospitalization, months of recovery, and somehow he survived.

Now he’s using again.

The silence feels different when you’ve already watched someone die once.

I miss him and it’s only been 24 hours, but at the same time I know I can’t reach out. The person I’d be reaching out to isn’t really operating in reality right now. He’s angry, defensive, blaming everyone except the addiction. I know enough about addiction to understand that logic, love, and reason don’t work when someone is deep in it.

What I’m struggling with is the feeling that I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Every day that I don’t hear anything, my mind wonders if he’s okay. Did he make it to work? Is he sleeping somewhere? Is he safe? Did he get a bad batch? Did he pick a fight with the wrong person again? Is he spiraling further?..

I hate that my brain even goes there, but after everything that’s happened, it feels impossible not to.

Part of me feels guilty for telling his family. Another part of me knows there were already multiple people noticing things weren’t right. I wasn’t the only one concerned. His family deserved to know that he had relapsed, kids were involved in the home, they were providing him a place to live and trusting him around their children.

The hardest thing for me to accept is that surviving death once wasn’t enough. He knocked on death’s door. He lost everything. He suffered through the consequences. And yet addiction still convinced him to go back to the same people and places that almost buried him. He doesn’t see that those bar thugs aren’t his people.

For those of you who have loved an addict, how do you deal with the uncertainty? How do you move forward when you know you can’t save them, but you’re also terrified that one day you’ll get the phone call you’ve been dreading?

I think that’s the part I’m stuck on. Not the breakup itself. It would be almost easier to mourn him if I’d know it was another woman. It’s not the lack of love. It’s the addiction. The feeling that I have to live my life while knowing someone I still love is actively self-destructing and that I have absolutely no control over what happens next. I hate it.

I’m 30 F he’s 29 M

I’m trying to make sense of the end of a relationship and would really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar.

I was involved with someone for a long time who struggled with substance abuse. There were periods where things seemed stable and hopeful, and then periods where everything fell apart. Last year, while broken up, he went into cardiac arrest and was in a coma. He came out. I and family nursed him back.. and then he went right back into the same cycle. Looking back, I think I spent a lot of time treating us like a relationship problem when it may have actually been an addiction problem.

Recently I discovered he had been lying to me about where he was, hiding things, manipulating his location, disappearing for long stretches of time, and spending time with people connected to his drug use. I later learned things were even worse than I realized. He was isolating himself, neglecting basic self-care, sleeping excessively, drinking heavily, and using cocaine again.

As everything started coming to light, I informed family members who were already becoming concerned about his behavior. He lost his housing situation shortly afterward (today) and became extremely angry with me, insisting that I was responsible for what happened.

What I’m struggling with is that he seems to genuinely believe I caused his problems, while from my perspective I was reacting to choices he had already made. Every conversation became about what I had done rather than the lying, drug use, secrecy, or consequences of his actions.

The final exchange basically consisted of me saying that his addiction was the issue and that I loved him but wanted him to get well. His response was essentially to blame me for everything, laugh it off, and then block me everywhere.

What I’m trying to understand is whether others have experienced this kind of blame-shifting from someone in active addiction. Did they ever come to terms with their own behavior? Did they ever reach out again? How did you separate your own guilt from the consequences of choices they were making?

The hardest part is that I still care about him. At the same time, I feel like I’ve spent so much time living inside his chaos that I’ve lost sight of my own life. I still have my routines. My place. A new job! So my life is still in motion.. but there’s parts where he’s no longer there. Part of me is grieving the relationship, but part of me is wondering whether the person I was trying to save had already disappeared long before I was willing to admit it.

I’d appreciate hearing from anyone who has been on either side of this situation.

I’m a 30 F and he’s a 29 M -

I’m looking for perspectives from people who have been in serious relationships with addicts because I feel like I’m reaching a crossroads.

My boyfriend has a long history of substance abuse. This isn’t a situation where I’m guessing or being paranoid. I know he’s relapsed.

Last year, his addiction became so severe that he ended up in the hospital. He was in a coma, required dialysis, and experienced leg paralysis. After he was discharged, he returned to his hometown with family. Despite everything that happened, he eventually got back into cocaine and alcohol while still being on crutches and while also being prescribed narcotics for the paralysis and pain.

Things escalated further. He got into a major fight with his father and eventually ended up in detox, rehab, and later a sober living house.

For a while, I felt hopeful.

He has a good job now. He got a car with his dad’s help. He seemed to be rebuilding his life.

But while visiting him recently, I found evidence that he was using again. It wasn’t a suspicion. It wasn’t a hunch. He had hidden drug-related evidence in a backpack in a closet.

I have his location and recently I realized the guy he has been exchanging his cousins fish gear with is actually the supplier. He’s there every other day for 10 min random times.

What makes this especially difficult is that he’s currently living with family members who believe he’s doing well. They almost caught onto him last weekend when he binged and didn’t show up to an arranged babysit. As far as I know, they don’t know he’s relapsed yet.

Meanwhile, I’m being put in the position of keeping his secret.

I’ve already told his sister because I felt like someone in his family needed to know. However, I have not told the cousin he’s currently living with.

Part of me feels guilty for saying anything at all.

Another part of me feels guilty for staying quiet.

His mother currently lives in a memory care unit because years of alcoholism contributed to severe cognitive decline. Although his mom and dad are divorced, his family has already experienced firsthand what addiction can do to a person over time.

I love him. I care about him deeply. I know the version of him that wants a better life.

But I’m exhausted by feeling like I’m responsible for protecting him from the consequences of choices he’s actively making. I’m preparing myself emotionally for the worst. His death, incarceration or separation.

For those who have loved addicts:

At what point did you realize protecting someone’s addiction and protecting the person themselves were two different things?

And if you’ve been through something similar, what do you wish you had done sooner?

I would really appreciate hearing from people who have lived this reality.