u/mycattouchesgrass

I have bipolar I (with psychotic features) and I'm waiting for the lithium to take full effect before starting a demanding, unpredictable corporate job at the end of the year. I'm pretty worried because I can't afford to have a severe manic or depressive episode at work. I can't crash and disappear or act noticeably manic. It could damage my reputation or get me fired.

I've had episodes in office settings before, but it was fine because my boss was pretty chill. For example, during one manic episode, I stayed in the office for three days, then crashed and disappeared for days without contacting anyone. The office ended up calling my emergency contact. I can't let something like that happen again in this role.

Do you feel like lithium made it realistically possible to function in a high-pressure career with bipolar I? Are you able to hide it?

I'd really appreciate any real-world experiences from people managing bipolar while holding down demanding jobs where you can't disclose this.

I'm planning to tell my LO that I need to go no contact, but I'm dreading making the call. I'm scared I'll get emotional or fail to follow through. It's weird how much this feels like preparing for a breakup when we were never together.

The thought that I might never get to talk to him again feels so final. Once that conversation's over, I have to live knowing he isn't in my life anymore, and I think that's going to feel like grieving someone's death.

I think a big part of why this is so hard is that I have to hide a lot of myself from the people around me, even though my mental health struggles affect me in serious ways and often lead to being misunderstood or mistreated. He's one of the few people who knows about some of those struggles and seems to actually care. I feel like I'm losing one of the few witnesses to my inner life--someone who knows me irl and makes me feel like I'm not struggling alone.

But he's been both a source of comfort and pain for me. He's a source of hurt because he's in a committed relationship, and I feel guilty because I don't want to be disrespectful to his partner or insert myself emotionally into their relationship. And he shouldn't be some kind of emotional refuge for me while he's committed to someone else. This situation could bring me too close to crossing lines I shouldn't cross.

I'll hurt myself by going no contact, and I'll hurt myself by staying in contact with someone unavailable. Why does life keep throwing me in the trenches like this? What did I do to deserve everything I've been through and everything I'll have to deal with going forward? This sucks.

Hello bipolar community!

I finally finished grad school and felt like sharing here because this group has genuinely helped me get through some rough times. I was diagnosed with BD in the middle of the program, though I've had symptoms since I was at least 15, and getting diagnosed was a huge deal for me. It made so much of my life finally make some sense.

It's been a wild ride! I built memories in grad school that will stay with me forever, mostly because they've been stored in my body as trauma lol. Highlights include taking a final while manic with vomit in my hair, passing out in class after donating blood, waiting all day at the school psych clinic while feeling suicidal only to get evacuated by a fire alarm and sent home, and flying to Switzerland while manic in the middle of the semester where I probably would've died of exposure in the Alps if hikers didn't find me.

I did learn a lot. Negotiations. Real estate stuff. How to cry silently so that it doesn't disrupt lecture. I'll never get to share some of my greatest achievements except with you guys--like the time I managed not to ask my former professor to sleep with me while manic.

Now I get to discover which fresh horrors await me in corporate America, where I can at least get paid to function through psychological collapse.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I know grad school is a privilege that requires resources and at least some stability. I came very close to losing it many times. Honestly, idk how I made it to this point. It was a lot of dumb luck.

I'm really grateful for online communities like this. Seeing other people go through the same kinds of things has made me feel much less alone.

Thanks, everyone 🫡

I'm noticing a pattern that my halluvinations are like what a protaginist in a horror movie would experienve. I was using the bathroom sink in the dark just now and the halluvination started with flickering lights. I thought it was a car passing outside but it kept going. And then I looked in the mirror and I literally felt like I was staring at a demonic entity wearing my face, like my reflection wasn't going to move with me. My eyes were totally black and my skin looked different, more blackened towards the edges coming out of my hair, which is also black in the dark. I didn't stare at for long because I ran out of there. It was so freaky. I closed my curtains in my room and closed my closet door and turned my mirror around. I feel like I'm being haunted.

What if we're actually haunted by evil spirits? My grandma was a literal shaman in Korea. I don't know if she still practices because she's old but I think she does. Last time I visited she disappeared for three days without saying anything, and my grandpa just said she went for a drive when I asked where she was. She told me she gets possessed by spirits, and I read that a lot of the spirits are evil. That role normally gets passed down in families among female members of the family. I know it's probably because mental illnesses get passed down. But what if it's real? The belief is that the spirits won't leave you alone and they'll keep tormenting you until you accept the role. That checks out for me. But I'm not in Korea. I can't do the initiation ceremony or whatever to get the spirits to leave me alone.

I've had other hallucinations where I've felt haunted. I heard ghosts talking in the psych ward and it freaked me out so bad I tried to escape but the security guards violently stopped me which freaked me out even more so I fought back and they strapped me to the bed. It just made things worse. I felt even more vulnerable to the ghosts. I've had recurring vivid dreams of Satan doing things like going through the clothes in my closet and I wouldn't be able to move while looking at him. If anyone came into the room, they would freeze too. The people who came into my room were people in my church. I was taking a nap once and woke up from feeling a stabbing pain in the side of my abdomen, and then saw a really thin shadow figure dart out the door.

Is it common to feel like you're living in a literal horror movie? I like horror movies but I don't enjoy living in one. It's inflaming my paranoia right now. There's no way I can sleep like this. And my arms strangely feel really sore even though I don't really work out these days. My brain also feels like it's humming or vibrating again. And if I try to eat anything, I just throw it up.

My manic mom went to Korea to start a company, burned through a ton of money, and hired a private investigator because she was convinced my stepdad was cheating on her. It's just paranoia. He loves her and sticks with her even though she's financially abusing him. While she was there, she got into a huge altercation with her family and ended up getting kicked out. During depressive phases in the past, she's tried to kill herself, like by walking into the sea. And recently I've heard she's been donating large amounts of money to random online streamers.

This kind of behavior isn't new. Growing up, she was erratic and was pretty physically and emotionally abusive towards me, and she's been violent towards my stepdad too--like literally stabbing him with a fork during an argument. Over the years, her spending put him into debt.

Now they're both at retirement age, and things are really bleak. My stepdad seems like he's in serious financial trouble. He recently bought a van, and said they're going to live in it once the lease is up on their home because he can't afford rent anymore.

I feel so bad for him. I've offered to help them pay for a temporary place but he's not being realistic. He keeps saying the van is already bought. My mom won't listen to anything I say either and I blocked her a while ago because seeing her call me made me really anxious, but that might've been a mistake.

She's extremely religious and superstitious and refuses any psychological help. I live across the country from my stepdad and there isn't much I can do when they both won't see reason. My stepdad won't let me help them financially even if it means living out of a van. I feel like things are going to get even worse if I don't intervene somehow, but idk what else I can do.