So the mask dropped today - sex
Ok so diagnosed autistic/ adhd person here.
Always been asexual (I’d consider myself Biromantic asexual). Been with my boyfriend 6 years this year; did tell him when we first started dating that I considered myself asexual. I love him. I do sleep with him, but I do it out of people pleasing. I can/ do feel pleasure when we do it, but I just could go forever without it and I don’t have the “sexual attraction” to anyone. I love him, the person he is and want us both to be happy.
When we have sex my brain is usually thinking of basically anything else but, I can’t help it. I’ll be in the moment for a few seconds then a random thought will pop in my mind, something I forgot to do, something I remembered and want to tell him and my brain will only be able to focus on that. Sometimes I can hold it back and save it till later (or likely forget it) and others I blurt it out. And after he’ll often say why would you tell me that while we were having sex. It’s a bit of a light hearted joke about my impeccable mood killing skills.
Anyway yesterday we’d gone to just chill and lay in bed. He’d fallen asleep. I was nodding off. And long story short he woke up, and starting putting the moves on and put my hand on his erection and there just was no mask and I was just repulsed. And I feel so bad because I know how bad the reaction I had was. And now I feel so guilty and keep replaying it in my head. And I’m just sat here crying.
We’re ok. He doesn’t seem off with me. But I just feel so bad. I know how badly I reacted but I was tired and just there was no mask.
But yeah don’t know why I’m making this post. Just think I needed to tell someone or write it down, because my brains struggling to get over it majorly. Please can someone just reassure me.