u/penberrr

I don’t exactly know where to start. I used to be an EMT and think I have some form of PTSD. I often feel like my throat is too tight and it’s really hard to swallow and that sends me into a panic attack. I can breathe perfectly fine but that shifts me into abusing alcohol to manage the feeling so I can sleep. I don’t really know where to go from here, I feel a constant urge to cry and it provides some relief when I do. I mainly realized this is a major issue when I tried going with my girlfriend to the mall and on the car ride I genuinely felt like I was going to die. I kept trying to distract myself from the feeling and it only made it worse. We cut the mall trip short because I genuinely needed to get home. I want to see a therapist but I don’t have health insurance and my job doesn’t pay enough. I don’t know where to go from here. It feels like it’s kind of ruining my life.

The tones hit at 03:17
I was standing when they dropped. My clipboard still in my hand, the very last box of my shift report remained unchecked. Radio etiquette. It’s hard to be kind when dispatch gives you nothing but empty commands for things they’ve never seen, that’s at least what my coworkers said. I handled scene management, treatments, even hospital interactions. This was my final shift before I was sent out alone with a driver. One more clean call and I would stop being someone else’s responsibility. With that, someone else would be my own.
“Unconscious, abnormal breathing”, dispatch said.
My field training officer didn’t even say anything before I was half way into the back of the ambulance.
The ambulance was warmer than the station but the aroma was atrocious. A mix of old coffee, bile, blood, and an antiseptic that just never fully gets the job done. I buckled into the captains chair and waited, and waited some more. I noticed that the sense of urgency was gone in these people, a man not being able to breathe was nothing more than a day's work, I needed to be like them. I took my empathy as a sign that I still cared, and I felt pride in that. If only that same pride carried after I was gone from the station.
I stopped drinking the day that I finally got my EMT certification. I felt that if I constantly came into my work intoxicated, I would kill someone, then certainly myself.
I suddenly felt the ambulance lurch forward, the sound of sirens deafening my thoughts. I unbuckled my seatbelt and started to prepare the necessary supplies for whatever we were going to walk into. I checked our oxygen, grabbed a non rebreather, and placed the AED on the back of the stretcher. I felt a sudden shift in my balance as we hit a turn, which launched me towards the wall of the ambulance where I struck my head on the handlebar railing. I heard laughing from the front of the ambulance. “Fuck you guys”, I said with a small laugh.
We made it to the address in just under seven minutes. It was residential, an older home. No lights were on except for a TV on a blue screen through the front window. The door was open when we got to the front porch, it wasn’t wide open, but enough for us to feel welcome as unfortunate guests. “This is your call now”, I heard from behind me, I turned around to see my FTO gesturing for me to go inside. I approached the door and opened it more, hearing my shaky voice yell out “EMS!”
I stepped inside and immediately got light headed, the air was stale and razor like, it hurt for me to breathe. I fully realized that the amount of dust and cat piss on the floors were to blame. I took two steps in and saw a man laying on the ground, I attempted to call out for him. “EMS! Can you hear me?” I approached him, he was very clearly unconscious. I approached and laid my knuckles on his sternum and started to forcefully rub. He didn’t respond. I grabbed a pair of gloves and started to fumble while putting them on. I started to feel for a pulse, it was there, but it felt off. I turned to my FTO, “pulse is weak and thready”, I said. I was surprised by the confidence in my voice, but my head was shouting one thing at me, one thing that was impossible to ignore. It was the fact that I shouldn’t be here. I shook off that thought and I checked his breathing, or better yet, the lack thereof.
It very quickly became a cardiac arrest. I don’t remember asking for more space to work, but there was suddenly a lot more, what was a cramped living room turned into an operation room. Someone moved the coffee table without even making a noise. The bag valve mask was next to me before I even thought to grab it.
“Good”, I heard from my FTO behind me.
That meant a lot more than it should have.
The call went on for what felt like hours, the numbers just refused to improve. I focused only on doing the right things in the right order while commanding my partner to do the same. It was instinctual, yet something in my mind didn’t feel right.
After a while, we left. I felt stupid for thinking it would end up any other way.
I stepped outside, and I fully expected to see a fire engine pulling off. There was nothing. I didn’t know why I expected it, but the fire departments always come out for cardiac arrests. The street was just quiet, too quiet for what just happened in that home.
“Did fire end up staging?”, I asked my FTO.
My FTO looked at me confused, “they never got dispatched”.
I looked up at him, “something doesn’t feel right”, I said under my breath.
It was settled after that.
I fumbled in my pocket, desperately attempting to pull out a cigarette. I looked to my left and saw my trainer approach me, almost agitated. “If you get the shakes every time you can’t save someone, you won’t be able to do this line of work”. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t have anything to say. I finally found my cigarette and began to light it. I took a deep inhale before my trainer put his hand out, practically commanding a cigarette from me. I handed him one with an attitude that I hope he would notice, he obviously didn’t. “You know? You did good back there, but I can tell you felt it too.” I turned toward him confused just to see him head back to the ambulance. He yelled back at me to grab the supplies we left in the house and to wait for the police to show up. I fucking hate that guy.
I put out my cigarette and went back inside alone. I turned the corner to see the corpse.
A body after a failed CPR attempt doesn’t look like someone sleeping. It looks mutilated, handled by a group of people who are too tired to care about an open casket funeral. The face is wrong in subtle ways. The mouth stays slightly open, and the eyes are the same. One eye always stays more open than the other, commonly a tear will fall from the corpse's face. Not from the pain of what just happened to them, it’s simply just moisture that hasn’t dried yet. The chest is bruised and broken into the shape of two hands, the sternum sits lower than it ever should. Overall, the body remembers what that person never will.
I was staring at the corpse’s mouth, seeing the dried blood on his lips and in the corner of his mouth when I heard it. There was a loud crashing noise deeper in the house. Before I could even think I was already running toward it. I turned into what appeared to be a bedroom to see nothing. I walked slowly inside and turned my head to see a firefighter jacket hung up on the wall. It was an old turnout coat. The fabric was faded unevenly. The smell of ash was overpowering. I noticed there was a brown color to it, it was dried blood, most likely older than me. It was dark and prominent, covering a lot of where the yellow should be. It looked like it belonged, like the jacket absorbed the life force of another and made it its own. I looked closer at it, feeling myself stepping toward it. I could see a name on the back of it, “Edwards”, I heard myself say under my breath. I turned away to look at the bed. The bed itself was made neatly, yet the outline of a person laid there. The dead skin, feces, and blood made it look like a homicide scene. I felt myself gag as the aroma of the room finally hit my senses. It smelled like burning meat. I immediately exited the room and grabbed the stretcher, wheeling it out in a panic. My FTO rapidly approached me, “what happened to you”, I heard him say with a small laugh. I went to the back of the ambulance and opened the door angrily, grabbing the stretcher and hooking it on the mechanism before pushing it in. I turned to my FTO, “AED is still in there, I’m not going back in until police arrive”.
“and why is that?”, he responded.
“I don’t know what happened in there, but our patient was a retired firefighter, I saw his jacket. I think he was stuck in his bed for days before he died, and I smelled a burni-“. I cut myself off as the police arrived. My FTO said to me sternly, “we’ll talk later”. I nodded.
I walked over to the police car, offering my hand to the two cops that exited.
“Hey, thank you for coming.” I said. I reached my hand out to shake their hands, not realizing I was still wearing my glove.
I saw the cop cringe before replying.
“Of course, was this a DOA?”
“He had a pulse when we first got here, but he lost it. We decided that transport wasn’t necessary.”
I walked with the cop while his partner went to talk to my trainer. We entered the house.
I cleared my throat. “I noticed a burning smell when I went into his bedroom, maybe I just imagined it.”
The cop walked with me to the bedroom, acting shocked once he saw the fire jacket. “Oh, no shit! It’s Edwards, I was wondering when he would croak”.
I looked at him confused. “Edwards? You know the guy?”
“Who doesn’t? His whole squadron got called to the fire in the tunnels. You know about that?”
I felt so lost. “Uh, no, I don’t. I’m not exactly from this town.”
He started to smirk. “I’ll let someone else tell you the details, just know this motherfucker was a coward. You guys are all good to go back in service, we’ll deal with the rest.”
I walked out of the house, looking at the corpse one more time. I wonder what he did. The air felt thicker than before.
I approached the ambulance and climbed in the back again.
“I got everything I think.” I said with a shaky voice.
“Well, good news. You’re cleared. Bad news, I’m calling it early on your shift today.”
I turned around quickly, “Wait why?”
“It’s something I do for all of my trainees who get cleared, we’re going to the bar. Drinks are on me”.
I checked the time. “Dude, it’s literally 6pm”.
“I don’t make the rules”, he said with a laugh.
We drove back in almost complete silence. I was finishing the paperwork for the cardiac arrest. I left out the details about what was in the bedroom. It wasn’t important, not like anyone would try to look back on this guys records. I felt a twinge of pain in my chest. He died alone, no one was there to help but he wanted to live. He got up from that bed, and only made it to his living room, just to die alone. I can’t see someone like that as a coward.

We got back to the station and I cleaned up the back of the ambulance.
I heard someone talking to me as I was finishing up. “I’ll drive us!” I looked up to see my trainer with a dumbass grin on his face.
“I’ll clock out in a second”, I said.
I finished up all of my tasks and clocked out. My trainer quickly did the same and brought me to his car.
He looked at me excited.
“What has you so giddy?” I asked.
“I’ll be completely honest with you. You’re the first person who I’ve cleared”.
I was shocked. He had to have been in this field for years, and I was the first?
“For some reason I don’t believe that”.
He just chuckled in response.
We arrived at a bar. “The Matador".
I followed him inside where we found a spot at the bar counter.
Without even asking, I heard my trainer order.
“Two jack and cokes, make it four actually”
I looked at him, almost offended.
Before I could say anything, the bartender approached with our drinks.
I was staring at my two glasses, it was hard to ignore just how desperate I was to drink.
“You know you’re allowed to drink, right?” I heard from my left.
I looked at my trainer, his glass already in the air looking for a cheers.
I shamefully picked up my glass and put it against his, taking a couple sips.
I finally gave into asking the question I was curious about. “Do you know what happened to Edwards?”
His relaxed demeanor shifted quickly into one of sorrow.
“Edwards huh? I thought that’s who we were working on today.”
“Yes-” I stammered. “The police officer told me that he was part of ‘the fire at the tunnels’ and that he was a coward. What happened?”
He looked over at me, almost on the verge of crying. He gathered composure.
“Edwards was part of a squadron called ‘The Hotshots’. They were good at what they did. I actually toured their station when I was younger.” He said with a laugh.
“What happened to them?” I asked, concerned.
He looked at me confused before saying, “oh I forgot you’re not from here. The Hotshots were a fire brigade in the area who were pretty well known. Well, one night, they responded to a fire and while being in the basement, the ceiling collapsed causing them all to be trapped in rubble. Except for Edwards.”
I looked confused, “Why would they even start in the basement?”
“That’s the same question everyone had afterwards. They were damn good firefighters, they knew how to respond.”
“Have you seen anything like that before, I mean on the EMS side?”
He looked at me, almost fearful. He whispered to me, “I had a call for an MVA. We arrived on scene but the car was perfectly intact, just on the side of the road. We got closer and saw two patients in the car. The driver was showing signs of severe impact injuries. His skull was caved in to the point where I could see his brain. His chest was caved in as well. I couldn’t put my stethoscope to feel his lungs. The thing is, there was never an ounce of blood. He just imploded in on himself. There was also a woman in the back.” He paused, looking at my confused expression.
“The woman in the back, she was found in between the driver seat and the backseats, every part of her was fine except her limbs. They were fractured beyond belief. I swear man, I have never seen an injury so intense. She still had a pulse though. She just couldn’t talk. Before the helicopter got there she died.”

[NY] I recently went to detox and I am completely sober at this point. I have two years experience as an EMT. Is the National Guard worth looking into?

I’m thinking about going to rehab.

I just got fired.

Does anyone know if there’s footage of Nightmare at Crack Axle Canyon from Great Escape?

Xbox Series S was the saving grace of the new generation of consoles.

Globus Sensation

Globus Sensation (it’s only getting worse)

The Weight of the Dead (unfinished, I was looking for feedback)