u/scatterplotode

My ex, who I am now continuing to support as a friend has had a diagnosis of a narcissistic personality structure for many years. As someone with a PD myself, and working in psychiatry I firmly believe the pervasiveness of this etc is more than just a "structure". He has recently had first consultations who say the same, that his omissions of facts, lying etc has caused this to go unnoticed.

He has a very emeshed relationship with his whole family, and a particularly disturbing one with his mother (who displays the same behaviours). He pretended I was the first one bringing this to light, it was new so he was wrestling with it. Then stating he wants to work on the issue etc. It seems he at least partially just wanted to prolonge facing accountability for the provocation (towards the end of our relationship it would be a gaslighting theme of You're sick...I just agreed with you to calm your twisted thoughts exactly etc). It turns out he's been told by multiple professionals he needs to individuate from his parents.

Same thing with his behaviours. I didn't know about the structure clinical observation until towards the end. He would flip back and forth between admitting some things, withdrawing the statements etc. Denial, flickers of insight but then it all being too painful to face etc. which would have been understandable. If it was him first exploring this.

I found a novel he finished and emailed to his friends a year before we even met. I nearly passed out. It revealed a very deep and reflective understanding of his behaviours. Through the character he even challenges them. Themes of cruelty, dominance, breaking a partner emotionally so they are so disoriented that all they can cling to is hoping he doesn't leave. The "character" in the book is cruel for the sake of it too: Purposely flying off on holiday when the partners dad dies as "revenge" for the tiniest normal thing. Some parts are directly played out in our relationship. The novel is so bold because its like hiding in plain sight to his friends. Like he's being edgy and bold exploring this character who "of course I've drawn inspiration for it, but it's not FULLY".

I'm not sure what to think. Could this really simply have been about buying more time before I ever said I would leave him?

I'm 40 and was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s. It seems like a while ago I would hear a few people talk about what would be an FP but not many. When I did, it was nearly always someone who had become a mother or father figure. Now people talk about it as if it's a diagnostic criteria and often as a re-imagining of the one regarding unstable relationships. The latter I definitely experience, much more so back when my BPD wasnt so well managed.

It feels like this has blown up from TikTok etc and that some people actively seek to try to make someone an FP and all the dynamics that are claimed to come with it.

I'd really like to hear the thoughts of people who can't relate to this and what they think of this phenomenon.

This is not exactly a "workplace" but a vocational school I started at where everyone works alongside going to school 2 full days a week.

I will start by saying I wasnt expecting the school set up to be like this. I expected a more uni style lecture set up mixed with some seminar style sessions. All classes are basically all seminars with little to-medium input by teachers. There are only 19 in the class, so it's very intimate.

There is a woman who befriended me from the start due to me being in my late 30s and her being 44. It was clear she was excited to click with one of the older ones (like I was) but also that she expected us to be "partners in struggling" being so long out of education. Despite being away from education it's been easier for me though, maybe because I went to uni so have experience in writing essays etc, even if it was a long time ago. I was also more shy at first to answer questions, being thrown by how "social" is he set up is.

I've noticed that the more confident and the more good grades I keep getting, the more colder she's got. She has now became besties with a young very insecure classmate who does not speak English properly. I already started distancing myself from her as much as possible because I saw how volatile she is and how she appears to put others down to make herself feel good. Even to the point where even older, confident men considered dropping out due to being targeted more intensely.

Now it seems like she's testing the waters to target me rather than just snapping occasionally. She moral polices conversations I have with other people and has made a point of trying to make me seen as someone who looks down on others because of my good grades. For example once when someone asked me I said A-, stressing the minus to not seem like I'm showing off. She whispered loudly into her new buddy's ear "You can tell she's really pissed off" right in front of me, then they both giggled loudly. Then this week after someone else and I exchanged results she said "Well being a model student isn't important to ME"

I'm going through a mental health low generally and I don't have the energy for this. I find the social side of classes hard anyway but I'm starting to dread them because of her. I have a group of friends who don't really talk to her more than basic friendliness (some due to being her targets before) but with everyone else in a group so small anyway there is overlap in discussions together.

I'd really appreciate advice on how to get myself off her radar while also not being confrontational and giving her the drama she wants.

My boyfriend and his best friend have been friends since their late teens. When I first met him it was clear there was a lot of gay baiting , hugging from behind), sexual inneundo as "jokes" etc.

Now it's got to the point where there are lots of things that on their own could maybe be innocent in the context of long term friends but not together:

*The friend came to our home to stay a night and was really rude to me and outright blanking me, acting as if it was only my bf hosting him. When I told my bf he quickly messaged him saying "She's being grumpy, send her a message thanking her". I was so hurt that his reaction was to defend his friend rather than me when Id done nothing wrong.

*Ive seen my bf kissing him goodbye on the nose, forehead and cheek.

*By their own admission, many people have mistaken them as a gay couple over the years.

*Ive recently become aware of very intense messages exchanged the whole time we've been together (3.5 years). They tell each other they love each other "just because" as a standalone statement a lot, and the friend has recently declared unconditional love. When it came to me possibly seeing the one about the unconditional love, my bf offered his phone to see but got caught deleting the few messages!

*My bf admitted he had a slight crush on the friend in their early 20s when he was "curious" but said it has been dead ever since. I don't want to get into guessing sexuality but there are signs that the friend is gay or bi.

That's just some of the things. I've been broken since seeing the declarations of love especially. I feel like I've been emotionally cheated on our whole relationship. My bf has gaslit me about this: Running me around in circles, "not understanding what I said", "where did I mention that again?". He's made me feel like I'm going insane.

He admitted he sees the friend of a huge source of approval, and just got used to giving sexual behavior back because he believed he should be "lucky" to have a best friend etc (his feelings of sex worth are super low sometimes). Today he was confident he was going to call his friend and put boundaries down. The opposite happened: The friend dominated the talk justifying their behaviours (even though they don't do it with other men!). By the time he stopped talking my bf had rolled over and was being very friendly. No cementing boundaries was done. He later blocked the friend though.

I really don't know what to do. It's happened before where he's dealt with non-appropriate contacts by just cutting them off. My bf denies being in love with this man but also acknowledges the intensity and him being too fixation on getting his friends "approval". He accepts that their relationship is something above platonic but can't say how he labels it. I believe he needs to work on stopping things get to that point but learnt how to meet people and still be loyal to your partner. Is there hope for us?

*I am going to seek professional medical opinion, I'm just trying to get a picture of the exact urgency and normality of this*

I've recently changed to a new mental health team for my ADHD and borderline. I have been on anti-depressants for many years on and off, and the psychiatrist questioned their benefit to me so started me on Lamitical.

A few days ago I went up to 50mg from 25 and have noticed a possible side effect? I have a large bump on one side of my neck, left towards the back and on the other side there seems to be a slightly swollen lymph node with soreness radiating from it. I have no other noticeable side effects.

Today is a holiday where I live and of course tomorrow is weekend so I'm trying to judge if this is something I need to go to "out of hours" or emergency for to get it urgently checked or if it can wait. My psychiatrist mentioned to look out for skin issues, but she focused on blistering, rash breakouts or lesions. When I asked her about other side effects she dismissed in a way that said nothing else would be severe. So I'm really worried but unsure.

I'm not seeking medical advice, just other people's experiences to help get an idea of how urgently I need to seek it:

I've recently changed to a new mental health team for my ADHD and borderline. I have been on anti-depressants for many years on and off, and the psychiatrist questioned their benefit so started me on Lamotrigine.

A few days ago I went up to 50mg and have noticed a possible side effect? I have a bump that feels like a boil on the back of my neck. It's medium sized and sore only when touched. The right side of my neck is mildy painful, and a lymph node under my chin on the side is very slightly swollen and where the pain seems to be coming from.

Today is a holiday where I live and of course tomorrow is weekend so I'm trying to judge if this is something I need to go to "out of hours" for to get it urgently checked or if it can wait. My psychiatrist mentioned any kind or skin issues/bad blistering of the skin to be a sign to urgently stop or decrease in dose until further advice but she seemed to be dismissive and not very informative explaining other side affect. So I'd really appreciate some insight.

No contact permanently? Low contact? Something else?

I'm asking as my partner is in the later stages of healing from emeshment dynamic:

His mother is the main issue, his father's emeshment is less dramatically obviously but still there. The Dad also sides with the mother always, seems to worship her, and has turned a blind eye to some really serious stuff. He has a younger brother, who he has a positive relationship generally but who shows signs of wanting to keep the dynamic upheld and some anxiety about his mother's fixations switching to him etc. Up until now the focus has been my partner.

Right now he's gone no contact with his mother. But it's been kind of left hanging after despite various explanations she pretended to not get what my partner means etc. His still has (reduced) contact with his Dad. But I'm wondering where it goes from here, and I hate the threat of it all blowing up again hanging over us. I also find the prospect of him just playing along with his Dad refusing to acknowledge everything until he dies a little insane.

I won't mention everything but I will list some stuff so you can get the general idea of the level. Because he has no long term plan as to how this should go now:

*No physical stuff, but his mother can act very flirty with him and I've observed some very strong sexual tension vibes from her.

*He was instructed by both of his parents from the start that he should call them by their names. He is treated like a peer.

*Both his parents have told him seperately they do not feel unconditional love for him, like it's a normal thing to say. My perception is that neither of them see him as a separate being but an extension of themselves.

*He knows the deepest darkest things about both their hopes and dreams. His mother even casually told her about his sex life from his younger teacher years (from what I understand, not graphic but still TMI). She also casually dropped once she once had an affair with the neighbour but "the dad knew" like it was nothing. I think she gets some kind of kick from sharing such stuff.

What is realistic here going forward? If I had ever experienced such vibes from a parent, even a few times it would put me off that relationship for life. I understand that it's all he has known though, that his parents "can be a little strange/unconventional"