If more than one of the following things apply to you, or your connection, I implore you to reach out to me, please. My first name begins with N, and I’m a woman.

I’m searching for D.
Please try to read until the end. I’ve been so patient but everything is starting to crescendo and we NEED to talk about it.

- We’re “just friends”, because more is forbidden.

- You’re constantly busy with work, hunched over your desk.

- You’re a (relatively new) glasses wearer.

- You’re a total nerdy geek man who has introduced me to your favourite media, and I’ve actually shown proper interest. I even took up the mammoth task of trying to read all the books in your favourite series.

- You share your music with me and I “steal” your favourite songs.

- We volunteer together every week.

- We live together in an unhappy environment but we make our own joy almost every day.

- We laugh and flirt at any possible moment.

- I am on the taller side for a girl, but still shorter that you, and curvy with a little tummy pouch. You’re “tall” but shrinking in your old age (I always make jokes about your age) and you grab your belly, saying “wobblewobblewobble”.

- You seemed to have an interest in me long before I realised I had an interest in you, but we’ve never had a proper conversation about it. I think we both avoid it because it means change. BIG change. We seem to constantly switch between running from this and trying to catch up with the other. It hurts me. Probably hurts you too.

- It’s harder to pretend nothing is happening between us when we drink together. Think around Christmas time, and when we all went away together.

- When we did all go away together, we were at the arcade and when everyone was leaving I said I wanted to stay behind. You asked if I wanted you to come with me. I stupidly said no. But it wasn’t the right time. I’ve regretted that every single day since. Our eye contact across the room that night was so intense, and it seemed neither of us could pull away.

- I’ve started to dress more confidently again, after a long time trying to hide away, bundled in oversized clothes and covering myself up. I have huge knockers and a fat ass, and you’ve definitely looked more than once.

- You have the same coloured eyes as me. Central heterochromia.

- You’ve had the same haircut all your life, apart from when you had a rat tail in your youth. You told me about it.

- There’s a good 30 years or so between us, age wise. If I was any younger I’d think it was weird. I make my opinion on age difference in certain contexts very clear, and it’s pissed someone very close to us off in the last couple of days.

- I behave like a total idiot around you usually, embarrassing myself just to hear you laugh.

- “You laugh like Megamind”

- “Ook”

- For your birthday just passed, I wanted to make you feel seen, and the hug we shared was beautiful and warm. I just wish it lasted longer. But we weren’t alone.

- We’ve known eachother for just over 4 years at this point. The special connection we developed has been going on for about a year and a bit.

- Timelines and specific dates are not my strong suit. I’m terrible with remembering birthdays, and would be fucked if I didn’t write every single important date in my countdown calendar app.

- Your mind just works differently from most people. Mine too.

- You seem to feel safe with me. I do, with you, too, but it’s hard to open up to you properly as I’m frightened I’ll scare you off.

- We can sit in total silence and it’s not awkward at all.

- You cover your nipples like a girl when you’re going into/just out the shower, and I happen to walk past.

- You used to be a stoner. I am one. But I’m not so open about it to keep myself safe. You definitely can tell, though. (Thank you for keeping it a secret). And on one particular occasion, you DEFINITELY saw me stoned out my head, and smiled like you knew. That was a while ago at this point.

- I’ve grown so much since this all started, and I feel like I’ve proven what you might have thought about me wrong. There is no doubt in my mind that a particular person has been gossiping about me to you since you’ve known of me, trying to put things about me into your head. I think I’ve shown you that I’m not any of those things by now.

- You also appear to be running really low on tolerance for that particular person’s bullshit, toxicity, and nasty personality. They are lovely when it suits them. You don’t appear to be free to be who you are without judgement around them. Not without all the shitty comments disguised as “jokes” to put you down and back into your place like you’re some kind of punching bag for them. They are totally insecure and I am now more than ever a target for their behaviour. They shouted right in my face not so long ago. You were there, but said nothing. I’m not angry about this anymore, but I was.

- We are both strange, don’t quite fit in, and have beautiful hearts not many get to see because of the wall we put up out of self protection and preservation.

- Sleeping is/was a nightmare for you. I have a terrible, inconsistent sleeping pattern.

I could go on, but for now I’ll leave it there.

Please, if you think I’m talking about you, please reach out to me. This has gone on for so long without even a passing comment about it all. In retrospect, I thought you were going to ask me something important on the seafront that day. I can’t believe I wasn’t ready.

This thing we have, it’s been brewing and bubbling for what feels like forever. I’ve known you before, definitely.

I don’t believe in “right person, wrong time”. If they are the right person, don’t wait. We only have so much time in our mortal flesh-suits.

I want to know what it’s like to hold you, and be held by you. I want to seek happiness, and fly away from this daily pain, together. I want to spend the rest of our lives together, even if you’re older, and will leave before me.

I used to be so scared of losing someone that I’m with to death.

Now I’m more scared that I’ll lose someone I never got the opportunity to be in love with to it.

I know this situation is so fucked up, and we have the correct type of moral compass, as we barely even touch eachother, and stay as far away as we can. But I’m really starting to struggle with that. We need to talk, so we can figure out what the hell is even going on here, where we stand, and how we’re going to move forward.

You’re not a bad person, and neither am I. You can’t pick and choose your feelings, and who you feel them for. I’ve seen the way you fucking look at me. You’ve seen the way I look at you.

There’s not much time until this all blows up in our faces, and I’d at least rather we have some kind of plan, or you just flat out reject me before it’s too late, and we have no more pieces to pick up in our own separate lives.

You are my “the one”. Don’t be my “one that got away” because you left it too long.

I have so much at risk, just as you do, but you know why the stakes are so much higher for me. I can’t just lean on family, I can’t work currently, I have no one to escape to if this ends up a mess.

Therefore, I think it needs to be YOU that starts this conversation. I can tell communicating emotions and feelings is not your strong suit, but if you open the door and show me I’m safe, I will do the heavy emotional lifting.

It’s literally what I was built for.

Please, sweetheart, don’t leave me in purgatory any longer. Don’t let it get to a point where we are driven apart by external forces.

Just talk to me.

I don’t bite.

I will be the soft crash mat you can land on.

If this happens, you don’t need to be afraid of my departure. I am committed to you in ways you don’t even realise yet, and that isn’t going to change until the day I die.

You have had such a profound impact on me, that even if this doesn’t happen, whatever it is, I will never be able to forget you. Please don’t leave me wondering “what if”.

You. I love you so much and it takes so much for me not to blurt it out mid conversation.

I have so much to tell you. But I have to hold back because we haven’t opened this yet. That is why I have become more awkward around you in the last few months. It’s not that I’m not interested anymore, it’s SOOOOO the opposite.

So, D, are you with me here? Will you take a step into the unknown with me? Will you let the magic become tangible, and able to reach out and touch with every part of your body?

Our cosmic connection has no place being ignored, and pushed further and further back. How could someone deny something like this?

Reach out to me. Please.

- N. xx

because I can’t stop thinking about you.

Is that because you’re thinking about me, too?

Are you also struggling to sleep?

You’re so reserved. Please open up to me more.

I’m worried but also excited. Feels like something really big is gonna happen.

Can’t be sure what, but I feel your energy clinging to mine for dear life.

What *exactly* are you cooking up?

I

Love

You.

because I can’t stop thinking about you.

Is that because you’re thinking about me, too?

Are you also struggling to sleep?

You’re so reserved. Please open up to me more.

I’m worried but also excited. Feels like something really big is gonna happen.

Can’t be sure what, but I feel your energy clinging to mine for dear life.

What exactly are you cooking up?

I

Love

You.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I LOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE YOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU!

I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu-hooooooooo

Beautiful.
Caring.
Hilarious.
Nerdy.
Geeky.
Handsome.
Sexy.
Brilliant.
Intelligent.
Clever.
Cute.
Eccentric.
Magnetic.
Warm.
Devoted.
Neurodivergent.
Playful.
Peaceful.
Wise.
Coy.
Powerful.
Bold.
Different.
Fantastic.
Mischievous.
Devious.
Soulful.
Careful.
Flirty.
Thoughtful.
Encouraging.
Nourishing.
Caring.
Soft.
Sharp.
Witty.
Tubby.
Nostalgic.

Similar.

Cherished, cared for, important, valued.

Safe.

REAL.

This wasn’t built on vanity.
This was built on vulnerability, and being brave.

You’re a lesson I didn’t know I needed to learn.

Lots of lessons.

I will never have enough time, nor the right words, nor enough knowledge, to truly show you how appreciated you are. How thankful I am.

Hopefully my actions will show you, just a little, how much I think of you, and care so much about you. Even (in the most simple way) down to the type of sweets you like, how you drink your coffee, and the way you prefer to spend your lazy Sundays. How I handle the books you love, with care, like they’re the most precious parts of you printed on the most delicate paper.

I hope you see the way I’m fighting so hard to force myself out of my comfort zone for you, and how desperately I’m batting my demons away.

-Not now, brain! That’s my soulmate!-

You are safe with me. As am I, with you.

None of this makes sense, but it doesn’t need to. It just is.

Let it happen.

You’re My Best Friend.

“Ook.”

Beautiful.
Caring.
Hilarious.
Nerdy.
Geeky.
Handsome.
Sexy.
Brilliant.
Intelligent.
Clever.
Cute.
Eccentric.
Magnetic.
Warm.
Devoted.
Neurodivergent.
Playful.
Peaceful.
Wise.
Coy.
Powerful.
Bold.
Different.
Fantastic.
Mischievous.
Devious.
Soulful.
Careful.
Flirty.
Thoughtful.
Encouraging.
Nourishing.
Caring.
Soft.
Sharp.
Witty.
Tubby.
Nostalgic.

Similar.

Cherished, cared for, important, valued.

Safe.

REAL.

This wasn’t built on vanity.
This was built on vulnerability, and being brave.

You’re a lesson I didn’t know I needed to learn.

Lots of lessons.

I will never have enough time, nor the right words, nor enough knowledge, to truly show you how appreciated you are. How thankful I am.

Hopefully my actions will show you, just a little, how much I think of you, and care so much about you. Even (in the most simple way) down to the type of sweets you like, how you drink your coffee, and the way you prefer to spend your lazy Sundays. How I handle the books you love, with care, like they’re the most precious parts of you printed on the most delicate paper.

I hope you see the way I’m fighting so hard to force myself out of my comfort zone for you, and how desperately I’m batting my demons away.

-Not now, brain! That’s my soulmate!-

You are safe with me. As am I, with you.

None of this makes sense, but it doesn’t need to. It just is.

Let it happen.

You’re My Best Friend.

“Ook.”

Beautiful.
Caring.
Hilarious.
Nerdy.
Geeky.
Handsome.
Sexy.
Brilliant.
Intelligent.
Clever.
Cute.
Eccentric.
Magnetic.
Warm.
Devoted.
Neurodivergent.
Playful.
Peaceful.
Wise.
Coy.
Powerful.
Bold.
Different.
Fantastic.
Mischievous.
Devious.
Soulful.
Careful.
Flirty.
Thoughtful.
Encouraging.
Nourishing.
Caring.
Soft.
Sharp.
Witty.
Tubby.
Nostalgic.

Similar.

Cherished, cared for, important, valued.

Safe.

REAL.

This wasn’t built on vanity.
This was built on vulnerability, and being brave.

You’re a lesson I didn’t know I needed to learn.

Lots of lessons.

I will never have enough time, nor the right words, nor enough knowledge, to truly show you how appreciated you are. How thankful I am.

Hopefully my actions will show you, just a little, how much I think of you, and care so much about you. Even (in the most simple way) down to the type of sweets you like, how you drink your coffee, and the way you prefer to spend your lazy Sundays. How I handle the books you love, with care, like they’re the most precious parts of you printed on the most delicate paper.

I hope you see the way I’m fighting so hard to force myself out of my comfort zone for you, and how desperately I’m batting my demons away.

-Not now, brain! That’s my soulmate!-

You are safe with me. As am I, with you.

None of this makes sense, but it doesn’t need to. It just is.

Let it happen.

You’re My Best Friend.

“Ook.”

I am trying so hard, and I’d like an apology, to be honest.

In fact, when I think about it, maybe I’ve been letting my love for you cloud all of this over, historically.

I am not a fucking housekeeper. I have my own issues. Have some empathy. You, AND her. Tell her to be less harsh. It’s so nasty, and makes everything so much worse for me.

Please help me to be able to cope a bit more.

- Me