I don’t know about y’all, but submerging myself in water while drinking fun beverages is never enjoyable. It sucks. It’s painful and I have to make myself gag to release trapped gas in my chest.
That said, I’m spending next weekend at the lake and am wondering if anybody has advice to offer other than don’t drink anything carbonated. Lol
The problem is the persona, not the ego…
Many spiritual and philosophical circles talk a lot about “ego death,” but I’m beginning to think “persona death” is more accurate. The ego, to me at least, appears to be the decision-making conscious authority that can either listen to the persona (which I suspect most of the human population does automatically) or choose differently. From this perspective, the ego should not be “killed,” and I’m not even sure it’s possible to kill the ego. I think what the average person calls an ego death is simply a mask dissolution, which fits in more with a persona death.
If I’m understanding Jung correctly, why do so many spiritual and philosophical circles think the ego is the problem?
Dear Jason,
I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but I want to say thank you.
For most of my life, I thought I was okay. I was successful. I had friends. I built a solid career. If you had asked me a few years ago, I would have told you I had a normal childhood and a fine life.
Then, roughly seven months ago, everything started simultaneously falling apart and coming together.
“And everything you’ve built that’s all for show goes up in flames”
After setting a major boundary with someone I cared about, something in me broke open. I realized I’d spent my entire life trying to earn love by understanding everyone else’s pain while never allowing myself to feel my own.
“You thought god was an architect, now you know he’s something like a pipe bomb ready to blow”
I began realizing that what I thought was normal anxiety was actually decades of suppressed pain and fear I had never allowed myself to feel. I started seeing things from my childhood that had always been there but that I somehow never saw clearly. Learning very young that other people’s feelings mattered more than my own. Learning to survive by being useful, understanding, accommodating, and endlessly forgiving.
“The doorman’s asleep, I don’t think I’ll wake him, he’s always so sweet, he’s here really late every night of the week letting the right people in”
But most sadly, shrinking myself in order to survive my environment.
“You vanish so she can go drowning in a dream again”
The hardest part in grieving all this isn’t the realization that I had been hurt by people that were supposed to protect me, but rather that they may never fully understand or acknowledge what they had done to me.
“It’s a boy’s last dream and a man’s first lost”
Instead, I’ve had to come to terms with the most likely scenario, which is that they may never get there.
“But it never did occur to me to leave ‘til tonight, when I realized he’ll never be alright… sign my name and say my last goodbye then decide that there’s nothing here that can’t be left behind”
That realization broke my heart but is also what brought me back to it.
And somewhere in the middle of all of this, I kept coming back to your music.
The strange thing is that your songs were speaking to me long before I knew what they were saying. I’ve been listening to tracks like ‘24 Frames’ and ‘Speed Trap Town’ for over a decade. I’ve cried to those songs but never understood why.
Then one day I woke up and realized I finally understood what I’d been hearing all along. Not because our stories are identical. But because there are certain wounds that recognize each other.
There are certain truths that only make sense once you’ve lived them.
And there are certain songs that become a compass when you’re walking through territory nobody gave you a map for.
“You were running up a mountain in your own mind… and I thought that I was running to but I was running from”
Your music has been that compass for me - mostly unconsciously but now consciously.
Thank you for telling your truth. It has provided me hope for understanding my own.
“But what I’m working for is something more than free”
Thank you for putting words to things that I couldn’t yet name. Emotional neglect. Parentification. Intellectualization.
“He didn’t care about us when he was walking around… just pulling women over in a speed trap town”
“This is how you see yourself floating on the ceiling and this is how you help her when her heart stops beating”
“The fireplace isn’t real, it’s some sort of LED light and a mirror”
And thank you for helping me find my way back to myself.
“If I loved you once my friend, I can do it all again, if it takes a lifetime”
Sincerely,
A fan for life
P.S. If you ever need help with your concert operations, I’d happily trade my desk job for backstage assistance. 🫡
I think it could be shadow integration…
I’ve been listening to a specific singer for over 10 years now. He’s my absolute favorite and his songs invoke a strong emotional reaction in me. Many of his songs are about his own childhood and the abuse and neglect he endured, but he shares his personal stories through storytelling. I personally believe he does this to avoid direct confrontation with anyone from his past that may still be alive.
All that to say, I began processing and unpacking my own dark childhood roughly 7 months ago after what I now believe was a first-time conscious awareness of my persona. That situation now has me convinced that it was no coincidence that I was drawn to this singer way back when. Something in me resonated with the songs even though my conscious self just thought it enjoyed the music.
I now can relate heavily to the lyrics rather than become emotional for the person in the song they’re about.
I guess my question is: was this my shadow speaking to me through music all along?
Thank you. 🙏
It was the most terrifying interpersonal conflict I’ve ever experienced (since childhood). I’m so proud of myself, through the shakes and all.
I almost quit instead just to avoid the conversation, but I knew that wouldn’t get me severance. I walked about with my dignity intact and enough severance to buy me plenty of time to land somewhere better.
So proud of myself.
Hi everybody. I’m (32F) in month 6 of recovering from narcissistic abuse in my childhood and as I move through the developmental stages I didn’t get to experience as a child, I’m curious if the anger and hatred I’m processing now that feels overwhelming and intense will eventually come to an end? Like what is on the other side of this? Assuming it’ll take 1-3 years to fully process and recover from.
Would love input from all of you but specifically those that have been in this process for more than a year. Thank you!
I couldn’t burp all my life. It was a running joke with family and friends. I avoided carbonated beverages at all costs and when I did drink them, I’d have to stick my finger down my throat to alleviate the uncomfortable stored up gas in my body. I considered the Botox treatment but withheld.
Well, I’m glad I did. Because at 32 I’m a burping machine.
I’m not saying this will be the case for all here, but apparently somatic issues such as the inability to burp can be caused by suppressed trauma. I recently began uncovering just how bad my childhood actually was. Before you say, “how can you just wake up one day and realize you were abused”… it’s a thing. I would’ve agreed with you had this not happened to me. Think about it… when the air you’ve breathed since birth is dirty, how can you know it’s even dirty? It took 32 years on this earth for me to realize just how dirty the air I was living in was growing up.
That said, for those of you still searching for relief, consider asking yourself to reflect on your own childhood. Was it truly “not that bad” or are you possibly hiding suppressed trauma? Since I began uncovering and processing the trauma, I’m burping naturally all the time, my rosacea has disappeared, and my acne is almost entirely gone. And the best part? I’m drinking carbonated beverages alllll the time.
Again, not saying this is the case for all or even any of you. I just thought I’d share my own experience in case helpful to anyone in the future. And for those of you that are skeptical, I don’t blame you. But ask AI, “can someone not be able to burp due to suppressed childhood trauma?” It really can be a thing!
I (32F) just feel so… defeated. I feel love when afraid. I feel disgust when someone shows care. I feel alive only when needed.
I have no idea who I am. I don’t know my favorite color. Or my favorite animal. If I prefer the beach or the mountains. I don’t like walking my dog endlessly through neighborhoods because it requires I choose my own route. I don’t like my therapist reminding me that therapy is optional and it’s my choice if I want to continue. Any time someone allows my autonomy to exist, I feel… abandoned.
I feel like my life, and the best years of it, were stolen from me. I am slowly getting a glimpse behind the curtain of what recovery from this will be like and I see just how damaged my nervous system is and how long it will take me to recovery.
I just hate everything. I’m so mad at the world. Existence. God. Satan. Even you reading this. I hate you too. Not really, but you know what I mean.
Like truly, fuck this.
I love letting my mind do all the work during a trip, but my childhood trauma (and my last trip helped me realize this) made me disconnect from my body and live inside my head. I want to trip tonight but focus on my body: its sensations, stored pain, physical desires, etc. Any suggestions on things I could do to encourage the trio stay body focused rather than mind focused?
While on shrooms last night, I felt like I had a series of intense realizations about existence, trauma, love, parenting, and spirituality. The experience felt emotionally and spiritually profound, almost like I was briefly “seeing behind the curtain” of human behavior and suffering.
The first major realization I had was about parenting and generational trauma. I felt like many people have children not because they deeply understand the responsibility, but because they can. Then, once the child begins developing, the parent eventually realizes - consciously or unconsciously - that they have harmed or shaped the child through their own fear, ego, trauma, or need for control. I felt like many parents respond to this realization in one of two ways:
1)
Or
2) They deny the damage, protect their ego, and emotionally “discard” the child by convincing themselves it’s too late to repair things. Sometimes they then repeat the cycle with another child while believing they’ll “do better this time.”
I felt like the deeper problem underneath all of this is the belief that “I know best.” I realized that many parents control their children rather than truly allowing them autonomy and free will. I connected this to my own upbringing and recognized how much fear, control, and molding I experienced from my father specifically. I realized I was shaped into who he wanted me to be rather than supported in becoming myself.
This led me to a realization that autonomy and free will are deeply connected to love. During the trip, I felt that true love means respecting another person’s inner self and allowing them the freedom to become who they are rather than controlling them through fear. I recognized that this kind of love was largely absent in my childhood experience.
A major emotional component of the trip involved grief and anger surrounding my parents’ inability to acknowledge the impact they had on me. I thought about how I recently confronted them about my conditioned patterns, fear, hypervigilance, and emotional wounds I developed because of my upbringing, and instead of taking accountability or trying to repair things, they became defensive and denied the reality of my experience. During the trip, I felt convinced that some part of my father likely does know the damage he caused, but cannot emotionally tolerate facing it because it would collapse his self-image of being a perfect son and father.
Another major realization I had was spiritual/existential in nature. I felt like life on earth is some kind of training ground or developmental process where the “test” is whether we choose love even when we are afraid. I associated fear with control, domination, ego, and harm, while love felt connected to truth, freedom, vulnerability, accountability, and compassion.
I also had thoughts about reincarnation and the idea that people remain trapped in cycles until they truly learn these lessons and embody them through action. I described this metaphorically as a kind of “simulation” or repeated cycle of existence where growth only happens when fear is replaced with love. The movie The Matrix came to mind, particularly the scene where Neo first exits the matrix.
Toward the end of the experience, my thoughts became more centered around God/spirituality. I felt a strong sense that human beings are “children of God,” and that the longing to belong somewhere that people feel inside may be a longing to reconnect with something divine or whole. I had the thought that if we are children of an all-powerful creator, then we also possess creative power and therefore learning love is necessary so that power is not used destructively.
I also came away with the idea that “evil” or “sin” may not simply be about being “bad,” but instead may be the natural consequence of acting from fear instead of love.
Finally, I realized I have deep difficulty trusting God/life/existence because my earliest experiences with authority and caregiving were rooted in fear and control rather than safety and love. During the trip, I felt like part of healing might involve learning to trust that love, God, or existence itself may operate differently than my parents did and that I do not need to control everything through fear in order to survive. As almost everybody seems to learn while tripping, just let go - of fear.
TL;DR I was recently betrayed by my best friend whom I suspect is a covert narcissist. The betrayal conflicted with reality so much that it forced me to become conscious of my fawn conditioning. This then led me to realize where my fawning came from… I grew up with a covert narcissistic father that I think had malignant traits. I took on the caretaker role for him with a little bit of the golden child mixed in. I’m now 32 and seeing him clearly for the first time (we are ‘no contact’ right now). My life has flipped upside down. It’s like I have no idea who I am but feel an overwhelming sense of peace at the same time. I just wish I could get through the grieving already. I’m in month 5 of recovery and have only gotten glimpses of behind the curtain and it is a terrifying sight to see every time, so my body lets me feel for a few then immediately shuts it off.
I’d love any tips, tricks, pointers, encouragement, etc.
It’s been 5 months of this. I am processing it slowly but my mind is preventing me from processing it quicker. I keep wanting to understand him. Like if I can just understand why he hurt me… I can feel safe. It’s like I refuse to believe that there are cruel people in this world. How do I end the rumination and just feel the gravity of that truth? I feel so utterly alone and just… fucked up beyond repair.