I've restarted meds and therapy after a ROUGH year when I made some very dumb decisions. It just brought back memories of other times I've been manic and ....I'm just cringing at how I acted especially when at the hospital. So embarrassing!!! And this is just what I can remember lol
Anyone here ever experience this
I've tried the classic, 2x spicy, carbonara, cream carbonara, cheese, habanero lime, curry, swicy taco, and Rosé. I did NOT like the Rosé at all! I know a lot of people don't like the taco one but I added some of my homemade picadillo, fresh pico and sour cream and some cheese and found it fire. However I really didn't enjoy the Rosé no matter what I did. Had to give the rest away. Which flavor were you looking forward to and didn't like?
Vent post
My dad was a violent individual who regularly physically assaulted me until I was 14. He would leave me to.the point I was limping or unconscious. He would slap my face in boiling water, Hit me with vacuum cleaners, going to the shower when I was showering to beat me. I was 8 years old when I did my first communion and I got $120 In cash as gifts and he told me to give him it and when I naturally said no, he told me that I was a huge POS and screamed at me because he didn't have rent money. At 16 he told me that I was abusing him for his money.
My mom saw all of this abuse and I know that she is a victim of his abuse and manipulation herself. My mom has defended him and is in deep denial. He passed away when I was 16 because of pancreatic cancer and since then she has almost treated him as a saint. She has a shrine of him at home.
I've recently started trauma therapy and the fragmented pieces of my childhood has finally started To make sense and the memories are coming clearer and his abuse wasn't just limited to physical and verbal. I no longer can be in this house where my mom keeps a shrine for him. I feel so disgusted whenever I see his photo
I spoke with her tonight. The conversation did not go well. She basically called me a liar and then I was exaggerating despite my brother backing me up because he suffered the same. We spoke about one instance where my dad beat me to the point of unconsciousness and my mom said that it was okay because he came into my room crying after asking for forgiveness and I said to her that that was a manipulation tacted because I had to be comforting him. He came into my room crying saying what a bad dad he was but didn't have any changed behavior and my mom was rubbing his back saying isn't he such a good dad? Of course 8-year-old me fell for it.
After this conversation, I made the decision to move out of my house because I cannot heal in this environment that just constantly reminds me of my trauma. I love my mom and after my dad died she raised the both of us as a single immigrant mom. So this was a difficult decision for me to make.
I feel no love towards my dad whatsoever.
And I want to be free of his poison and cruel shadow and reconstruct the childhood I was robbed of and turn into a safe adult.
My dad was a terrible person and I'm done pretending otherwise.
I grew up in a Catholic household, but I'd like to describe it as catholic when convenient to my parents. Specifically the "honor your mother and your father" and "thou shalt not bear false witness" applied to my brother and I not them.
My dad was violent physically and verbally. He would beat my brother to the point of unconsciousness. One time I remember him knocking me out I was crying, begging him to stop. Then I just woke up in my bed. I have no recollection of what happened afterwards or how I ended up there.
Another time he beat me where I was barely conscious and later he came into my room with crocodile tears saying how stupid he was and what a bad dad he was. As an 8 year old I just saw daddy crying and was forced to comfort him. I remember crying and telling him not to cry because of me while my mom rubbed his back saying isn't he such a good dad?. There were no tears from him. Just a forced high pitch.
He slammed my face in boiling water once, threw burning tortillas at me, busted my brother's lip, force fed us till we threw up and then beat us, I did terrible in school because he'd rip up my finished homework so I'd have nothing to turn in, chronically cheated on my mom, he would hit me with wire hangers, belts, vaccum cleaners, glass. He tried to choke me once.. He would force us to eat large quantities of food and then starve us. He would always scream and swear at us and say how we deserved the worst and he'd give us it. I can count on one hand the good memories I have with him.
I remember I was 8 years old and just celebrated my first communion. I got $120 dollars from relatives. My dad afterwards told me to give him the money. I said no obviously. He then screamed and said how I was such a huge POS for not wanting to help him with rent...at 8 years old.
I have eczema all over my body but my scalp, armpits, and inner thigh (groin) area are the worst. I was scratching my groin area and he caught me and went into a fit of rage. He knocked me out, threw all my plushies away because he thought I was doing something else but wouldn't take me to the doctor to get eczema medicine..
He would get weirdly jealous of my younger brother hugging me
And when I'd shower he would want to watch me dry myself and would go in the shower to come in to beat me. I would be so scared to shower because if I came out with one knot in my hair he'd hit me. I would take some of the beatings to protect my brother. I once accidently sat on ONE of his CDs and he destroyed my plushie and bracelet collection.
I was so scared to come home from school.
I begged my mom to divorce him.
My dad constantly told me he didn't care if we called the cops and that that was a small price to pay for doing what he wanted.
One of the most vivid conversations is after he finished abusing us my mom telling him "at least don't hit them hard enough so they have to go to the hospital, that way you won't get arrested". He always called me a stupid b, I had cystic acne and he called me multigrain bread..
But to the community and his work my dad was this amazing person who cared about others. When he died my mom told everyone what an amazing dad he was and I felt forced, brainwashed to believe it.
I know my mom is a victim too. He met her when she was 12, started courting her when she just turned 18 and he was 30, and then forced her to give birth abroad and was a serial cheater.
He died when I was 16 to pancreatic cancer. (Which he lied about this as well).
I feel guilty for feeling this way but I no longer have the energy to hide this. I no longer have the strength to lie to people. I no longer can lie and say that I'm not happy he's gone. As a kid I always wondered how my life would be like with him being gone, and with him being gone I've been able to travel, restore my plushie collection, dress how I want, live without fear of him, and get a full ride to my university and went from a 1.9 GPA to a 3.8. My only anger I feel is that I never got justice served for all he did.
The main good thing he did was enroll me in languages when I was young and I'm on my fifth language now..
I don't wish him eternal suffering. For the good he did, I'm grateful, but I'm done pretending he was a good father or person, he wasn't. Towards the end of his life, probably the year before he tried to make amends, and it's appreciated, but his actions messed me up. I have no energy for this anymore. I've become more blunt with my mom who romanticizes him. This woman came up to me and recognized me as my dad's daughter and said he was such a gentle person and I said no he wasn't.
I never want to be like him to anyone else. I don't want to see myself in him.
I'm grateful I found a therapist to help me who specializes in OCD and trauma.
I've been cashiering since I was 16. So far I've been screamed at, sworn at, stalked, threatened. Today a customer was sitting on the self checkout, and asked him if he needed help. I opened a register and I help him. I asked him if he needed a bag, he said "give me my receipt". I said yes of course. Would you like a bag too? *No response*
*I put his items in a bag and handed him his receipt and change. Wished him to a good evening*
He goes I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T NEED A BAG
He then throws his change at me. I move out the way, Threatens me. And on his way out cusses out the security guy.
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My patience was tested today lol
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Lol
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I saw BTS. I bought tickets for my best friend birthday. I almost gave my ticket to my friend because I was so worried but we already had plane tickets. There was a gentleman next to me who was also there for his friends and asked me why I spent the majority of it seated. Told him I had a medical condition. He helped me the whole night standing up, and sitting back down 😭 and I enjoyed the concert! Just had to take some precautions.
Thank you to that lovely lad. You made my night.