u/soporopan

i drew mob Hi (★‿★)

my tzu, Alma, is getting surgery tomorrow because of an uterus infection. they have to completely remove it and im really scared :( please keep her in your thoughts 🩷

this is just me ranting 🦧

i fear i will never have a relationship because the circumstances of my life have led me to be inequivocally unlovable. im short; though most would argue in girls thats "cute" since im ugly it cancels any appeal it might have toward anyone. also i was bullied for it so i can never be comfortable with that. not to say im not skinny so it looks bad.. im 19 and ive never had a boyfriend, never even had a kiss or anyone like me. ive always been behind my peers in sexual/romantic stuff but also ive always struggled socializing because not only im fundamentally unattractive but also retarded and autistic and that has made me more harm than good. i believe those who fake being autistic clearly do not and never will have to go through the struggles of it, especially when being female. im so ugly for a good chunk of my life i thought i didnt even classify as a woman because im too hideous for that.

of course the term "femcel" has been watered down and twisted into various meanings. sure you can be moid hater all you want (ridiculous and pathetic in my opinion) but im really involuntary celibate. i long for a relationship, all my life i have. what it would feel like to be chosen everyday, to be kissed and to be desired. its something ill never experience because im too weird and avoidant, product of being scared of misunderstandings. even if i wasnt involuntarily celibate, im scared of sex. i only ever tried masturbating last year (i genuinely didnt know how) and even then i still fail at it, im terrible, i cannot satisfy myself even at my most horny 💔 so then i just end up frustrated, thinking if im just.. not good at anything i do.

ive also never liked anyone, im not sure if its because of my irrational fear of being perceived, if i think of myself as so unlovable i made myself incapable of feeling due to fear of rejection, or im just too annoying and i have high standards that do not correlate with who i am. i guess in a way i find more joy fawning over a specific celebrity crush (unattainable, cant hurt/perceive me, i can give him any personality i want) the sad part is that i dont think he would ever like me anyways

the picture is a frame of "julien donkey-boy" great movie :3

in fact it gets worse, i relapsed from SH after a whole year of not doing it 🦧 orangutan emoji

reading a few posts on that subreddit made me want to rip my eyeballs out. million of posts about having sex HOLY LARP