suicidal thoughts after a break up
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me (18F) and ex (21M) were together for a year. we broke up because the relationship was getting toxic but became on and off for 4 months. this past month, i started to feel like there's a chance that he's willing to fix things up with me officially. but this thursday, i saw a friend of mine storied a picture in a bar and he was caught in the photo, holding another girl. I was more upset because I told him just hours before that I'm having problems regarding family and school. I confronted him about it and he just told me wtf and asked who sent that (zoomed in pic). He also told me that he didn't know what he was doing but clearly he did because he followed back that girl friday morning. On Friday night (7pm), my friends asked him to pick me up for us to talk and for him to drop me home cause I was so wasted/drunk. we talked and he denied that it was him and made petty excuses such as if he don't love me anymore, then why is he picking me up and if he really like that girl, he must be holding her by the waist just like how he's with me. we went to his house because i told him I didn't want to go home and if I could stay for the night. he told me okay and we talked about our situation. he told me he's never gonna commit seriously to me again and he doesn't see me in his future but he kept leading me on for the past few months so I thought we were gonna be something again. after that, i saw his text on his friend sending him the pic and telling him someone sent that pic to me. his friend told him to just deny it and say the person on the photo just looks like him and he actually used that bullshit reason. i can't sleep because I kept on thinking about their picture and he just told me to try and forget it as if he didn't know the trauma I suffered from my ex who also cheated. by 11 pm, his friend called and asked him out to go for a ride (they have bigbikes) then he looked at me straight in the eye and told him he was on the way. I was left alone on the house and before he left, he kissed me and said i love you. I was so upset because we talked about this being our last time together so I wanted to savor the moment but I couldn't speak up. by 2 am, he told me he saw my friend at the bar and I asked him if he was also at the bar and he just said yes. i was so mad that he lied so I told him I left his house at 2 am and i'll walk to get home (10km distance) he saw that and told me to not go anywhere but I was out of the house. I actually went to my friends house instead but he drived til our subdivision and told me where I was because he can't see me walking on the main highway. I just told him to get rest because he didn't have any sleep for 2 days already but still had the energy to go to the bar. he told me he'll pick me up but I just told him to go home and get some sleep. by 3 am, my friend (worker at the bar) told me he went there again. I am so upset and feeling all these emotions because he wasn't even sorry. he know what he's doing is hurting me but still continues to do it. i have a history of mental health problems and this was just on another level. I'm feeling extra suicidal because I want him to regret treating me so shitty. I want his conscience to eat him up. Here I am crashing out and breaking down and he was there partying with other people. he knows this. he knows I'm not doing well but still continued to go out with his friend. any suggestions? how do I make him feel the same way he made me feel.