u/swankyswifty

SIL and I met 4 years ago when she moved into my apartment building a few months after me. We were introduced through my neighbor turned friend, Sara, (SIL was a distant cousin temporarily crashing with her) We got along well, and she set me up with her brother pretty early on. He and I hit it off immediately and began dating. Our first date was even with SIL and her bf and I had a great time.
A couple months into the relationship, I found out she had been telling little lies about me to their parents who I wasn’t close to yet. Nothing huge, but enough to subtly make them question whether I was good for their son. Sara later warned me that SIL has always lied for attention since she was a kid.
Fast forward to now: we are happily married and close with his parents and other siblings. SIL is the only issue. But I am a chronic people pleaser which is why I begged Hubby not to say anything outright in fear of causing tension with my new family.
I have discovered more about her as time has gone on. She’s extremely clingy with people who do not give her the time of day. She often calls/texts Hubby even though he barely responds. He says they were never close, despite her telling me fake stories early on that made it seem like they had a special bond. Looking back, I honestly think she set us up to play wingman and therefore have an excuse to talk to him more often. And it actually worked for a bit until he and I became bf/gf.
She also desperately seeks validation from our mutual friend Sara, who honestly sees her as more of an annoying younger sibling. One example: Once in the beginning, Sara jokingly fake cried and held onto me because she didn’t want me to leave. A couple weeks later, SIL copied the exact joke with Sara — except she was genuinely welling up with tears. She asked for a hug and Sara said no. When Sara asked “are you crying???”, SIL said, “I just love you!” Sara did not play along and gave her a weird look before leaving my apartment. SIL just laughed and continued hanging out with me. At the time I laughed along at their bit and truly thought nothing of it. I thought we were all friends.
Her resentment didn’t become noticeable to me until she had a baby. I was super excited for her and made it known I couldn’t wait to be an aunt for the first time. Over time I realized she was sending pics of the baby to Hubby and Sara but not me. When Hubby was off work she’d immediately call him and ask if he wanted to see the baby but I never heard from her personally. She started telling people Hubby was in looove with the baby after meeting him for the first time.. he never gave that impression. One time me and Hubby babysat (obv I did all the work bc I love babies) and not only did she only check in through him, but when we brought baby home she literally said “did you have fun at (husband’s name)’s house?” as I was handing him off to her. then texted Hubby that night thanking him for watching the baby. (yes my husband did correct her) or at baby’s first bday party when she opened our gift and said “thank you (husbands name)!” My mom says of course she doesn’t like me. My husband and best friend happen to be some of the people she has been chasing her whole life. And now I married into a family where the parents love now me too. I really hate confrontation so I have just let all of this happen without ever fighting back and tell myself “she’s young and just jealous, she will grow up and come around” but it’s been almost 4 years and this is getting old. in the beginning I was texting her words of encouragement, or offering help with baby among other things. Hubby said I’m trying too hard and she will keep acting like a bully if I let her. Hubby and Sara are very outspoken and confident in themselves in a way I’m not and maybe that’s what makes her respect them. in the last few months I have started being short and distant and paying her no attention at all, hoping she would then want it like she does with the others but that doesn’t work bc nothing has changed. and that’s not my personality so it’s not natural. In a perfect world we would be like sisters and if she changed her tune tomorrow, i’d let it all go, every thing she has ever done out of spite. I really crave being a normal family and having a sisterhood with her. (only child here) And we started out as friends so I know we can get along well. any advice here? is there psychology behind this and what are some tricks to make her see me in a new way instead of the girl who came in, stole her brother and changed the whole family dynamic?

My husband and I have been happily married for 3 years and expecting our first child. I’m so excited this is all I ever wanted, however I’ve always heard having a baby puts a strain on your marriage. My husband is one of the best men I’ve ever known and I know he will be the best dad. Our relationship and communication is healthy so I know we will adjust and come out stronger. As much as we are ready to have our baby, i’m already prepared to grieve the life we will be giving up when it’s no longer just the two of us, our undivided attention for each other and our dogs. Husband agrees but thinks we will love our new life more. So i’m just curious, what are some things about your marriage that changed positively or negatively? Is it okay now?

My husband and I have been happily married for 3 years and expecting our first child. I’m so excited this is all I ever wanted, however I’ve always heard having a baby puts a strain on your marriage. My husband is one of the best men I’ve ever known and I know he will be the best dad. Our relationship and communication is healthy so I know we will adjust and come out stronger. As much as we are ready to have our baby, i’m already prepared to grieve the life we will be giving up when it’s no longer just the two of us, our undivided attention for each other and our dogs. Husband agrees but thinks we will love our new life more. So i’m just curious, what are some things about your marriage that changed positively or negatively? Is it okay now?

SIL and I met 4 years ago when she moved into my apartment building a few months after me. We were introduced through my neighbor turned friend, Sara, (SIL was a distant cousin temporarily crashing with her) We got along well, and she set me up with her brother pretty early on. He and I hit it off immediately and began dating. Our first date was even with SIL and her bf and I had a great time.
A couple months into the relationship, I found out she had been telling little lies about me to their parents who I wasn’t close to yet. Nothing huge, but enough to subtly make them question whether I was good for their son. Sara later warned me that SIL has always lied for attention since she was a kid.
Fast forward to now: we are happily married and close with his parents and other siblings. SIL is the only issue. But I am a chronic people pleaser which is why I begged Hubby not to say anything outright in fear of causing tension with my new family.
I have discovered more about her as time has gone on. She’s extremely clingy with people who do not give her the time of day. She often calls/texts Hubby even though he barely responds. He says they were never close, despite her telling me fake stories early on that made it seem like they had a special bond. Looking back, I honestly think she set us up to play wingman and therefore have an excuse to talk to him more often. And it actually worked for a bit until he and I became bf/gf.
She also desperately seeks validation from our mutual friend Sara, who honestly sees her as more of an annoying younger sibling. One example: Once in the beginning, Sara jokingly fake cried and held onto me because she didn’t want me to leave. A couple weeks later, SIL copied the exact joke with Sara — except she was genuinely welling up with tears. She asked for a hug and Sara said no. When Sara asked “are you crying???”, SIL said, “I just love you!” Sara did not play along and gave her a weird look before leaving my apartment. SIL just laughed and continued hanging out with me. At the time I laughed along at their bit and truly thought nothing of it. I thought we were all friends.
Her resentment didn’t become noticeable to me until she had a baby. I was super excited for her and made it known I couldn’t wait to be an aunt for the first time. Over time I realized she was sending pics of the baby to Hubby and Sara but not me. When Hubby was off work she’d immediately call him and ask if he wanted to see the baby but I never heard from her personally. She started telling people Hubby was in looove with the baby after meeting him for the first time.. he never gave that impression. One time me and Hubby babysat (obv I did all the work bc I love babies) and not only did she only check in through him, but when we brought baby home she literally said “did you have fun at (husband’s name)’s house?” as I was handing him off to her. then texted Hubby that night thanking him for watching the baby. (yes my husband did correct her) or at baby’s first bday party when she opened our gift and said “thank you (husbands name)!” My mom says of course she doesn’t like me. My husband and best friend happen to be some of the people she has been chasing her whole life. And now I married into a family where the parents love now me too. I really hate confrontation so I have just let all of this happen without ever fighting back and tell myself “she’s young and just jealous, she will grow up and come around” but it’s been almost 4 years and this is getting old. in the beginning I was texting her words of encouragement, or offering help with baby among other things. Hubby said I’m trying too hard and she will keep acting like a bully if I let her. Hubby and Sara are very outspoken and confident in themselves in a way I’m not and maybe that’s what makes her respect them. in the last few months I have started being short and distant and paying her no attention at all, hoping she would then want it like she does with the others but that doesn’t work bc nothing has changed. and that’s not my personality so it’s not natural. In a perfect world we would be like sisters and if she changed her tune tomorrow, i’d let it all go, every thing she has ever done out of spite. if she was a random girl, I would move on and never speak to her again. but the close knit family aspect makes this complicated as I have to be around her all the time in a family setting. is there psychology behind this and what are some tricks I could do to make her see me in a new way?

tldr; my friend set me up with her brother and when we actually fell in love, she switched up and now resents/excludes me

SIL and I met 4 years ago when she moved into my apartment building a few months after me. We were introduced through my neighbor turned friend, Sara, (SIL was a distant cousin temporarily crashing with her) We got along well, and she set me up with her brother pretty early on. He and I hit it off immediately and began dating. Our first date was even with SIL and her bf and I had a great time.
A couple months into the relationship, I found out she had been telling little lies about me to their parents who I wasn’t close to yet. Nothing huge, but enough to subtly make them question whether I was good for their son. Sara later warned me that SIL has always lied for attention since she was a kid.
Fast forward to now: we are happily married and close with his parents and other siblings. SIL is the only issue. But I am a chronic people pleaser which is why I begged Hubby not to say anything outright in fear of causing tension with my new family.
I have discovered more about her as time has gone on. She’s extremely clingy with people who do not give her the time of day. She often calls/texts Hubby even though he barely responds. He says they were never close, despite her telling me fake stories early on that made it seem like they had a special bond. Looking back, I honestly think she set us up to play wingman and therefore have an excuse to talk to him more often. And it actually worked for a bit until he and I became bf/gf.
She also desperately seeks validation from our mutual friend Sara, who honestly sees her as more of an annoying younger sibling. One example: Once in the beginning, Sara jokingly fake cried and held onto me because she didn’t want me to leave. A couple weeks later, SIL copied the exact joke with Sara — except she was genuinely welling up with tears. She asked for a hug and Sara said no. When Sara asked “are you crying???”, SIL said, “I just love you!” Sara did not play along and gave her a weird look before leaving my apartment. SIL just laughed and continued hanging out with me. At the time I laughed along at their bit and truly thought nothing of it. I thought we were all friends.
Her resentment didn’t become noticeable to me until she had a baby. I was super excited for her and made it known I couldn’t wait to be an aunt for the first time. Over time I realized she was sending pics of the baby to Hubby and Sara but not me. When Hubby was off work she’d immediately call him and ask if he wanted to see the baby but I never heard from her personally. She started telling people Hubby was in looove with the baby after meeting him for the first time.. he never gave that impression. One time me and Hubby babysat (obv I did all the work bc I love babies) and not only did she only check in through him, but when we brought baby home she literally said “did you have fun at (husband’s name)’s house?” as I was handing him off to her. then texted Hubby that night thanking him for watching the baby. (yes my husband did correct her) or at baby’s first bday party when she opened our gift and said “thank you (husbands name)!” My mom says of course she doesn’t like me. My husband and best friend happen to be some of the people she has been chasing her whole life. And now I married into a family where the parents love now me too. I really hate confrontation so I have just let all of this happen without ever fighting back and tell myself “she’s young and just jealous, she will grow up and come around” but it’s been almost 4 years and this is getting old. in the beginning I was texting her words of encouragement, or offering help with baby among other things. Hubby said I’m trying too hard and she will keep acting like a bully if I let her. Hubby and Sara are very outspoken and confident in themselves in a way I’m not and maybe that’s what makes her respect them. in the last few months I have started being short and distant and paying her no attention at all, hoping she would then want it like she does with the others but that doesn’t work bc nothing has changed. and that’s not my personality so it’s not natural. In a perfect world we would be like sisters and if she changed her tune tomorrow, i’d let it all go, every thing she has ever done out of spite. I really crave having a family over anything else. any advice here? is there psychology behind this and what are some tricks I could do to make her see me in a new way?