u/tacosandsushi16

Pomegranate seeds. My favorite.

***TRIGGER WARNING: SA/🍇/Substance abuse***

Hi everyone, it’s 5 a.m. and I can’t sleep. I’ve been crying nonstop/lost in my thoughts and I can’t shake it off.

I’m not asking for sympathy, I just don’t know how to get these feelings out, so I’m letting them out here. I’m sorry in advance.

Here’s some backstory:

I (26F) interned at the United Nations for 6 months, from 2023-2024. I was so incredibly grateful, nervous, and beyond excited that I was given this opportunity. I had just graduated college and closed that crazy chapter of life behind me, and was so ready to start a new one. For once in my life, I was truly proud of myself.

During my time there, one of my tasks included being charge of creating and sending out the weekly newsletter in my unit within the DGC.

Fast forward: We were notified by the General Secretary through a mass email about the military/air offensive launched by Israel on October 7th, as soon as it happened. The email basically warned us about the dangerous new political climate and the potential consequences.

The UN had not sent out a “breaking news” article through the UN News site about it yet, but many articles started coming out at once through other news outlets.

Being the self-righteous intern that I was, fresh out of college and my journalism professors’ teachings and SPJ’s Code of Ethics fresh in my mind, decided to add a block in the news section of our newsletter about the offensive and published it, despite my superiors telling me not to because of the “delicate situation”.

That was one of the stupidest, most naive decision I’ve ever made in my life.

Because of this, my superiors and everyone that worked in my unit detested me. They started giving me all of the work, noticeably more so than the other interns, talked about me to the other interns behind my back, became very unaccommodating to basic requests, forced me to work during holidays when no one in the office had to (including the other interns), etc. etc.

The internship was unpaid, 9-5, 5 days a week, hybrid so 3 days out of the week, I had to commute via train an hour and a half to and from Midtown.

I started a job bartending on weekends and some weeknights to be able to pay for my commute because my savings were dwindling.

My superiors who were kind and sweet and appreciative of me at the beginning, would allow me to stay home and work remotely an extra day or two a week to ease the financial constraints.

Not after what happened. I had no room to make any mistake whatsoever.

When I started this bartending gig, I also spiraled into alcoholism and cocaine use. Alcohol drowned out my worries and anxieties, cocaine kept me up to be able to work both jobs.

Alcohol and drug use is prevalent in the hospitality industry; I just didn’t think I’d fall victim to it too.

My internship was 9am-5pm, which was more like 7am-7pm, with the commute tied in, then 7:30pm-2am (4am on weekends) for my bartending job. I was running on no sleep at all most days. If I was lucky, I’d be able to get in a nap during my commute or during my lunch break.

Towards the end of my internship, they made it very clear that I wasn’t going to advance within the UN or even have a chance for a UN-associated career, even after everything I had done. I was basically blacklisted.

This was one of the hardest, most stressful times of my life and I wish I never went against them. My life would be completely different than it is now. I’d have a stable career, I wouldn’t have fallen into substance abuse issues, I wouldn’t be stuck with my current shit life. I just did what I thought was right.

I began bartending full time after that internship, thinking I had nothing else to fall back on. All the work and effort I put into that internship, and I was left with nothing except crippling alcoholism, drug addiction, and a beaten soul.

A lot has happened since I left the internship. I was r*ped while under the influence by a “friend” and cut off by my entire friend group at the time because they still wanted to associate with him, was hit by a drunk driver while on vacation in a different country and suffered multiple brain bleeds, totaled my car from also driving while intoxicated (no one else was hurt or affected by my inconsiderate, selfish choices except me, thank god), amongst many, many other things.

Still, I was drinking and doing blow nearly every single day for almost 3 years, even after my two accidents. I needed half a year off work when I got hit by the drunk driver, but I went back to work a week and a half later and started drinking and doing blow as usual. Never went to any follow-up appointments except for one, and I feel like my brain isn’t healed at all. I’m still suffering the consequences of that accident that I made worse because of my addictions, and I’m sure I have permanent brain damage from it.

The only time I was ever “sober” was when I’d be too sick from drinking and snorting coke the night before/morning of.

So, I finally made the decision to quit bartending 7 months ago, with the support of my boyfriend. Unfortunately, I’ve also been unemployed for 7 months.

At least I’m also 7 months sober now as well, but I’m incredibly depressed and anxious. All I do is see my boyfriend, rot in bed, and cry for hours.

I have 0 savings, all the money I made I blew on alcohol, coke, spontaneous trips my friends and I would make when under the influence, gifts that I’d give to others that never truly cared about me so I could feel loved and appreciated, etc. I have over 100K in student loan debt and my situation seems bleak.

My parents are so disappointed in me, and I’m so disappointed in myself.

I’ve cut off my “newer” friend group because everyone was engaging in really toxic behaviors (cheating on their boyfriends/husbands, encouraging/egging on substance abuse, etc.)

but my friends that are still around, that still care about me and are extremely worried about me I haven’t spoken to, because I’m so incredibly ashamed of myself and what I’ve become.

They’re texting me and calling me and I just can’t bring myself to answer. I feel like I ruin everything I touch and I can’t ruin another good thing, so I’ll just wait for them to leave me too.

I’m sure my boyfriend will follow soon after. I was horrible to him when he first met me during my addiction. I won’t get into too much it here, but I was never unfaithful or abusive. However, I prioritized getting drunk and high over him, everything, and everyone else. He was watching me kill myself, and that frightened him so much that he couldn’t function.

He loves and cares about me to death, but he still resents me for it, which I don’t blame at all. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself. He deserves so, so much more than a failure like me.

I feel like my life is falling apart right in front of me and I’m just sitting here watching it. I wish I could take it all back and do things differently. I feel so stupid.

I’m really sorry for the long rant. Please forgive me, I’m just hurting so much. It hurts so much that I can’t breathe.

EDITED a bunch for clarification***

with a cafe/gift shop upstairs!

i’m trying to add some final touches but i’m not quite sure what… seems like something is missing.

i bought a bunch of coral and stuff during Marine Matters to decorate this place but I don’t have any room 🫩

anywho here’s the progress!

behold, your king

25F, Every time the backs of my feet or my toes chafe from shoes, whether it be new sneakers or sandals (like what’s happened here), the irritated/chafed areas become incredibly, unbearably itchy and raised.

If I keep itching they’ll get bigger and spread, and take a very long time to heal. They usually heal into scales that peel off.

This isn’t the case when the chafing causes blisters; they just heal over time.

It’s also quite painful, especially when I apply pressure to the spots.

Any idea why this is happening? Any help would be much appreciated.

I’ve heard this call before and always thought it sounded like a baby crying lol. I’m in the northeast U.S.

Just a lil groundhog appreciation 🙌🏼

(ignore my commentary I tried to edit out the audio 🫩)

The car was filled to the brim with kids 😭 Counted 3 kids in the passenger seat alone

For context: My (25F) boyfriend (21M) and I have been dating since last August (roughly 8 months), and around the same time he started a job working security overnight and commutes to and from work (1 and a half hours) every day.

He used to be in really good shape, no acne, etc, but since then he hasn’t gone to the gym, started getting acne again, and lost a lot of weight. He’s become extremely self conscious about it and depressed over it.

He wasn’t working for 2 years prior due to personal issues and was always on top of his physique and diet, so he’s still adjusting to this new life change.

Now, he’s tired all the time, and prioritizes sleep over eating and working out. Eating has always been an issue for him; he’s VERY particular, almost OCD ish when it comes to food. For example: he refuses to get food delivered because he’s paranoid about people tampering with his food; he won’t eat anything with lots of sauce, won’t eat at most establishments, doesn’t eat beef, etc. But when he wasn’t working, he was able to eat what he wanted when he wanted. He’d cook for himself all the time, but now he doesn’t have the motivation to.

It’s especially tough with the graveyard shift too because the only food available late at night is pizza, so he was eating pizza almost every night for a couple of months, unless I picked up food for him from elsewhere that he could bring.

We don’t live together, but I care and love him very much, so I started meal prepping for him and preparing his meals for him. It took MONTHS for him to finally let me cook for him because again, his almost OCD-ish thoughts made him think I was gonna tamper his food. We used to spend HOURS trying to figure out where he wanted to get take-out from, and he’d spend a ridiculous amount of money on eating out.

He finally started trusting me to make him food so nowadays, I’ll cook what he wants with all his dietary restrictions and needs when he comes home from work and pack his lunch box for him to take to work. If I don’t cook, I’ll pick up food for him from somewhere he approves of. I go to the grocery store for him twice a week or so and he pays me back after.

Issue is, if there’s one day I don’t see him, he won’t eat when he comes home and will sleep until he has to go to work again, and won’t eat until his meal break, which can be anywhere between 12:45 a.m. to 4:45 a.m. I literally HAVE to push him to eat or he’ll just sleep, even if there’s food I’ve made for him in the fridge.

I also started getting him into a skincare regimen, which is slowly working.

In regard to working out, I always tell him he could put aside just 20-30 minutes a day to start getting back into the groove of things. Like he could work out in his basement with all his equipment while I’m preparing him his meals. I think it would make his mental a lot better. He’s just so tired nowadays and just wants to sleep whenever he can.

The thing is, I still think he is the most handsome man in the entire world. His body still has definition from when he worked out, and some acne doesn’t bother me at all (I actually think he looks adorable), but as a girl who’s very on top of her skincare, I can understand why he feels a certain way about it.

I always tell him how handsome and attractive he is to me, even with these changes. I’m more concerned about his health (especially with the weight drop; he lost 15 pounds since he started working), but he’s still my handsome boy. He always tells me how I’m “out of his league”, but I highly disagree and I actually think the opposite.

He’s been extremely depressed over his appearance, to the point where he’ll just sit there and sulk about it when we hang out. He’ll reminisce how good he looked and how good he felt about himself, and then it’ll escalate into his self-worth, or lack of.

It really hurts me to see him so upset about it, and I’m really trying hard to make him feel better about himself and to get him adjusted to this lifestyle, but I also can’t help to take it a little personal.

Tonight, we were on the phone while he was driving to work after seeing each other, packing him his meal for work as usual, and he started talking about his appearance again.

He then said something that really, really upset me. He goes, “You know how I know I’m not attractive anymore? Girls used to ask me for my number all the time, and now it doesn’t happen anymore. It used to happen like multiple times a day.” That really, really stung.

I started going on and on about basically what I texted in the above screenshot.

He started saying that’s not what he meant, but then argued that guys used to ask me for my number all the time at work (I used to be a bartender up until 5 months ago) and said that probably helped with my self-confidence. He used to get extremely jealous and protective when that would happen to me at work, to the point where he’d stay on the phone with me for hours while I was working.

So I told him no, that didn’t make me feel any better or worse about myself because my confidence comes from within myself and not validation from someone of the opposite sex, and it also comes from him because he’s my boyfriend, whom I find very attractive. That’s all the validation I need.

I want to look good for HIM and only him, which is why I take care of myself.

We kept going back in forth till he told me he loved me and just abruptly hung up because he was just getting into work and was already running late. I was extremely upset and angry and texted him (above screenshot) after he hung up.

AIO? It just hurts because like I said, I want someone to prioritize himself for me, and not base his self-worth over random girls coming up to him. I’m trying to hard to help him prioritize his health and in-turn, make him feel better about himself and his appearance.

TLDR; Boyfriend feels extremely self conscious and depressed over his appearance due to starting work and not prioritizing his health, tells me he knows he’s not attractive anymore because girls don’t ask him for his number anymore. I’m hurt because I do everything in my power to try and help him and I don’t understand why he needs validation from elsewhere when I feel like validation from me is enough.

— Friday (1995)