u/testees12

I don’t know how common this is.

I’ve had DPDR since I was around 13/14 and I’m 27 now. The symptoms showed up slowly due to trauma from my mother having abused me.

They‘re there 24/7 now and have been for most of the time I‘ve had it . Sometimes they can get a bit better or worse, but they’re always and I mean always there. And they’re quite severe, at least that’s how I experience them. It’s not like I can compare my subjective experience to others.

But here’s the weird thing. In the most random moments, it doesn’t matter if I‘m calm and well rested or tired and overstimulated, very rarely they seem to completely go away. My surroundings feel real again, my brain fog is gone, my emotions are back and when I look at my body it actually feels like my body.

That only happens like 3 times per year maybe at most. When it happens, the symptoms usually only go away for a few seconds, though the record was almost a minute. When they begin come back I tend to get really sad and almost cry. And even if I manage to stay calm and not get overexcited, they always come back inevitably.

Can anyone relate?

I broke up with my now ex bf a few days ago after being together for 2 years and living together for about 1 1/2 years.

The reason I’m posting here is because I’m trying to make sense of the relationship as a whole. I know I made the right decision by leaving, but I’m struggling to understand how someone could go from being one person in the beginning to someone completely different towards the end, and then seemingly become that caring person again once it was already over.

The relationship honestly started out incredibly well.
He did so much for me.
He even wrote a job application for me because I was struggling with it at the time and I ended up getting the job.
Before I moved in with him he spent hours helping me clean my old apartment so I could get my deposit back. It wasn’t even his apartment, but he stayed there for hours helping me clean. There were so many things like that in the beginning that made me feel genuinely loved.

Looking back though, there were already things that stand out.
Only a few days after we officially became a couple, I was lying in bed because I was tired and just staring at the wall.
Out of nowhere he asked me,
“Do you still love me?”
Nothing had happened. We hadn’t argued. I wasn’t upset. I was literally just tired.

A few months later he told me that if I proposed to him, he’d immediately say yes.
At the time I thought it was sweet.
Looking back, it feels incredibly intense considering we’d barely been together.

One thing I gotta say is it was the best sex I‘ve ever had, even when things were tense.

As time went on he seemed more and more afraid of losing me.
Eventually he developed a serious speed addiction.
During arguments he threatened to commit suicide multiple times.

One thing that really shocked me was something he admitted after the breakup.
He told me one reason he didn’t want me going to the gym anymore was because he couldn’t go himself due to the speed addiction. Instead of letting me go, he admitted he wanted me to stay home and use speed with him instead.

He also cheated on me with his ex while on speed.
Arguments became more frequent and much more personal. He’d say things that felt specifically designed to hurt me.
Despite all of that, I stayed.
I stayed through the addiction because I genuinely believed things could still get better and because I kept remembering the person he was in the beginning.

Eventually I just reached a point where I’d completely lost hope that things were ever going to become stable again.

So I broke up with him.
Since then he’s completely fallen apart and he’s cried repeatedly calling me, begging for “one real chance.”
He keeps telling me that he finally understands.

He told me he regrets not appreciating the time we still had together while I was still sleeping next to him.
He told me looking at the empty side of the bed hurts.
He keeps saying he wants to cook together again, cuddle together again, go out together again and just spend time together.
He says he finally realized how much the speed addiction and severe sleep deprivation changed him.
He even told his mother everything, including the addiction.

He keeps checking whether I’m online and even admitted he kept messaging because he could see I was reading them.

I genuinely think he only realized the consequences of everything once I’d already emotionally reached my limit.

I’m really thinking about breaking up with my bf because of his dog.

I got to know my bf at a party through mutual friends/acquaintances. We’ve been officially together for 2 years now and lived together for 1 1/2 years. Too early to move in together I know, but my lease was running out.

There are several issues in this relationship. One definitely being that he can be extremely emotional and unpredictable due to his ADHD which is absolute hell for me because I was severely abused by my mother through unpredictable emotional outbursts, which led to me developing depersonalization derealization disorder.

But the biggest issue is his dog, which he got with his ex bf before we were together. She’s like 4 years now. At the beginning it wasn’t as much of an issue because he had an old lady in the neighborhood as a dog sitter, where he could almost always drop off the dog if needed.

Now she got a dog who’s aggressive towards other dogs and it’s not possible anymore though. My bf‘s dog has separation anxiety and absolutely can’t be left alone. I have to drive my bf to a doctor‘s appointment for an hour in the middle of summer where it’s like 36 degrees Celsius? The dog has to come. We wanna buy groceries or work out together? Not possible because the dog can’t be alone.

My bf has a 100% WFH position, so he’s always with the dog.

I can’t even ask him to go to a restaurant or bar on a weekend or after work only for a few hours because he’ll check the home camera and see the dog is whining, so we have to go back home again.

For everything we do, no matter how small, we need to get a dog sitter in advance.

I used to be a very spontaneous person. I love going out, partying, going to restaurants, spontaneously being invited to and going to parties and it’s literally completely impossible now.

For over a year now he said he’d work on it with the dog but literally nothing changed. I feel suffocated and want a partner who I can do things with other than being at home, watching movies and having sex occasionally. It’s something he always says would work when I address my concerns but the reality is that it literally doesn’t work, not even in the slightest.

Resentment has been building up for all that time. Obviously I‘m not going to make him choose or put pressure on him to give the dog away, so at this point I‘m just thinking about ending things. I‘m at my mother‘s place right now (god help me) taking a break to think about some things and he sent me voice messages again telling me how this and that would work out, but it hasn’t worked for over a year and I‘m growing so tired of it.

Is ending things the only solution?

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s dog has severe separation anxiety and can’t be left alone, so our entire relationship revolves around the dog. We can’t spontaneously go out, travel, shop, eat at restaurants, or even attend appointments without taking the dog or finding a sitter. My boyfriend has been saying for over a year that things will improve, but nothing has changed. I love him, but I feel trapped, resentful, and like our lifestyles are fundamentally incompatible. I’m considering ending our 2-year relationship because I don’t want this to be my future.

I‘m really thinking about breaking up with my (27M) bf (28M) due to his dog.

I got to know my bf at a party through mutual friends/acquaintances. We’ve been officially together for 2 years now and lived together for 1 1/2 years. Too early to move in together I know, but my lease was running out.

The biggest issue is his dog, which he got with his ex bf before we were together. She’s like 4 years now. At the beginning it wasn’t as much of an issue because he had an old lady in the neighborhood as a dog sitter, where he could almost always drop off the dog if needed.

Now she got a dog who’s aggressive towards other dogs and it’s not possible anymore though. My bf‘s dog has separation anxiety and absolutely can’t be left alone. I have to drive my bf to a doctor‘s appointment for an hour in the middle of summer where it’s like 36 degrees Celsius? The dog has to come. We wanna buy groceries or work out together? Not possible because the dog can’t be alone.

I can’t even ask him to go to a restaurant or bar on a weekend or after work only for a few hours because he’ll check the home camera and see the dog is whining, so we have to go back home again.

For everything we do, no matter how small, we need to get a dog sitter in advance.

I used to be a very spontaneous person. I love going out, partying, going to restaurants, spontaneously being invited to and going to parties and it’s literally completely impossible now.

For over a year now he said he’d work on it with the dog but literally nothing changed. I feel suffocated and want a partner who I can do things with other than being at home, watching movies and having sex occasionally. It’s something he always says would work when I address my concerns but the reality is that it literally doesn’t work, not even in the slightest.
I have a stressful job and just want to feel free sometimes at least at home.

Resentment has been building up for all that time. Obviously I‘m not going to make him choose or put pressure on him to give the dog away, so at this point I‘m just thinking about ending things. I‘m at my mother‘s place right now (god help me) taking a break to think about some things and he sent me voice messages again telling me how this and that would work out, but it hasn’t worked for over a year and I‘m growing so tired of it.

Is ending things the only solution?

My bf has a 100% WFH position, so he’s always with the dog.

I‘m really thinking about breaking up with my bf due to his dog.

I got to know my bf at a party through mutual friends/acquaintances. We’ve been officially together for 2 years now and lived together for 1 1/2 years. Too early to move in together I know, but my lease was running out.

There are several issues in this relationship. One definitely being that he can be extremely emotional and unpredictable due to his ADHD which is absolute hell for me because I was severely abused by my mother through unpredictable emotional outbursts, which led to me developing depersonalization derealization disorder.

But the biggest issue is his dog, which he got with his ex bf before we were together. She’s like 4 years now. At the beginning it wasn’t as much of an issue because he had an old lady in the neighborhood as a dog sitter, where he could almost always drop off the dog if needed.

Now she got a dog who’s aggressive towards other dogs and it’s not possible anymore though. My bf‘s dog has separation anxiety and absolutely can’t be left alone. I have to drive my bf to a doctor‘s appointment for an hour in the middle of summer where it’s like 36 degrees Celsius? The dog has to come. We wanna buy groceries or work out together? Not possible because the dog can’t be alone.

I can’t even ask him to go to a restaurant or bar on a weekend or after work only for a few hours because he’ll check the home camera and see the dog is whining, so we have to go back home again.

For everything we do, no matter how small, we need to get a dog sitter in advance.

I used to be a very spontaneous person. I love going out, partying, going to restaurants, spontaneously being invited to and going to parties and it’s literally completely impossible now.

For over a year now he said he’d work on it with the dog but literally nothing changed. I feel suffocated and want a partner who I can do things with other than being at home, watching movies and having sex occasionally. It’s something he always says would work when I address my concerns but the reality is that it literally doesn’t work, not even in the slightest.

Resentment has been building up for all that time. Obviously I‘m not going to make him choose or put pressure on him to give the dog away, so at this point I‘m just thinking about ending things. I‘m at my mother‘s place right now (god help me) taking a break to think about some things and he sent me voice messages again telling me how this and that would work out, but it hasn’t worked for over a year and I‘m growing so tired of it.

Is ending things the only solution?

EDIT: I forgot to add my bf has a 100% WFH position, so he’s always with the dog.

Lyrics in English:

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Time is running out
You’re harried, driven by the ticking clock
Don’t hold on tight, don’t look away
As the sand slips through your fingers
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Time is running out; you feel young, yet life has aged you

You notice it every year on New Year’s Eve
I’m sorry, but you belong to the youth of yesterday
You can’t see the cake for all the candles
You want to get out into nature, find peace from the noise
Now you live in a row house, stripped of your wild ambition
The wild days are gone; eyes squinting, glasses oversized
It takes a while for it all to end, but you aren't as young as you feel—
you’re exactly as old as you are.
When you’re young, you think your whole life lies ahead
After twenty comes thirty; after thirty, the things that worry you.
Take one deep breath and you lose track of time
One moment of inattention out there, and it’s all over.

For now, life slips by in the blink of an eye
You count the days until the next milestone age
You diet and hit the gym, but time leaves wounds unhealed
Because time has gone to the dogs

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Time is running out
You’re harried, driven by the ticking clock
Don’t hold on tight, don’t look away
As the sand slips through your fingers
For every river flows into the sea
Let go; there’s no reason to fight it
Everything glitters in the bright light
Ride the wave until it breaks. Ah, wake up from your winter slumber

Ten years pass in the blink of an eye
Successes hang on the wall in gilded frames
Suddenly, a care worker is wheeling you through the park
When the time comes for your skin to shrivel
and your body to be speckled with little brown spots
Don't you worry
even if you run aimlessly through your garden,
seeing ghosts and suddenly calling your daughter Petra "Lara"
Enjoy your life, dance contentedly into your grave
Every grandma in Berlin has a tramp stamp
I know you still have so much planned
but slowly, you hear that ticking in your ear.
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Time is running out
You’re harried, driven on by the clock
Don't hold on, don't look
as the sand slips through your fingers
For every river flows into the sea
Let go, there's no reason to fight it
Everything glitters in the bright light
Ride the wave until it breaks

Before it broke out, strong emotions of others would also imprint on me to a degree.

I do want people to be happy and I try to help people, even strangers because that’s what’s right and how I want to be treated as well.

But I can only rationally explain it to me like that. And I can only consciously mentally put myself in their situation. But other than that? Nothing.

I saw a cyclist get run over in front of my trying to call a relative or friend or something and falling unconscious doing so. I don’t even know how if he survived. Rationally I genuinely hope he survived. But other than that, it didn’t do a single thing to me emotionally. I couldn’t even give the police officer useful answers because I already forgot a lot of it.

One time my father, who I was very close to, almost died due to severe pneumonia and COPD. He was literally turning blue and even my mother was crying. She has the empathy and emotional maturity of a toddler and her abuse is the reason for my condition.
I rationally knew I wanted my father to survive. But I barely felt anything, barely any compassion. I said „Okay I will call an ambulance“ and stayed totally calm.

I know I’m not a psychopath but I‘m feeling like one and I hate it.

So me (27M) and my bf (28M) have been together for around two years now and living together for around a year.
We just signed a new lease but I am so done with the relationship. Initially we bonded because we have a lot of similar values, life goals and humor. We’re also sexually extremely compatible and we also both happen to have Derealization Depersonalization disorder.

He‘s my third relationship but my first true long term relationship that lasted for more than a few months.
The beginning was magical and he has done a lot for me, I wouldn’t even have the decent job I have right now if he didn’t help me to apply and prepare for the interview.

But there were things from the beginning that seemed off, like him talking about marriage after 3-4 months or asking me if I still love him just because I was staring at the wall while lying in bed.

He has no impulse control whatsoever, he did speed and then cheated on me with his ex, which he at least admitted to me out of his own volition.
Initially he was very apologetic but when it comes up now he says he was only „cheating“ on me because the dick was in the mouth for a few seconds only, yeah right.
He‘ll have alarms running every morning for half a fucking hour. When I tried to make him get up so I could get some sleep, he threw a drink all over me while I was lying in bed and then after getting up kept playing the alarms from the kitchen right next to the bedroom intentionally to annoy me.

He‘ll say the most hurtful things to me during his meltdowns, intentionally, and then be like „yeah I don’t really mean it when I‘m like that“

At one point he didn’t sleep in the bed for 4 weeks because all he did other than working was playing Valorant and doing speed.
And now he’s been smoking weed constantly for 6 months.

I‘m pretty sure he’s borderline just like my mother, who has already been admitted to a psych ward by a court order at one point. There are a lot of parallels behavior wise, except the drugs.

He makes more money than me and is paying for more expenses, so I am dependent on him, especially because we just signed a new lease and moved in literally like 1-2 weeks ago
But my father passed away a year ago and I‘m selling the house with my mother right now. I‘ll probably get around 180k€-190k€.

My plan was to wait until it’s all finalized and the buyer gets his loan from his bank, my realtor is dealing with all of that. Then I wanna buy a small flat in a different, somewhat nice city and just move out for good.
The only thing I’ll do is give the 5k€ that we borrowed from his sister to buy the kitchen in our current rented apartment, because I promised that and it’s not his sister‘s fault.

But for now he can’t find out what I‘m planning until I actually have the money and can pay for a studio apartment in cash. Is it morally reprehensible to keep him around until then?

Is wanting to break up unreasonable?