u/thecoolercaillou

The summer I turned 15, I basically let myself botch my ADHD test to get Adderall (I was an insecure teenage girl who heard it could help you lose weight). My psychiatrist said the results were “inconsistent” and “unusual”, but I was diagnosed with ADHD anyway. I tried the low dose of Adderall XR I was prescribed a few times, but it made me unbelievably irritable, not to mention it gave me mild visual hallucinations. Requested to go off of it and didn’t look back.

Then, 1.5 years later (late November/early December 2024), I was suffering from very textbook mild depression due to stress at school, which mainly presented as fatigue and a lack of motivation. Seeing as I was still officially diagnosed with ADHD, I asked my psychiatrist if I could try ADHD meds again, as I hoped they would give me some much-needed energy. She gave me Vyvanse.

Before stimulants, I was going to sleep at 7PM and waking up at 4AM to exercise for an hour before going to school. People usually described me as polite, thoughtful, disciplined, calm, wise for my age, honest to a fault. My peers both liked and respected me as a person. But over the year I was on a steadily increasing dose of Vyvanse, my entire personality flipped.

I became horrendously lazy, temperamental, selfish, always seeming to make the worst decision with every choice and opportunity I was presented with. A cheating, lying little rat I despise, but can’t stop being. The best way I can describe it is that I stopped displaying goal-oriented behavior (I am doing X because I want to achieve Y), replacing it with impulse-oriented behavior (I am doing X because I want to do X in this moment, fuck the consequences, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there). Not just with using, but with everything, such as impulsively deciding to cut off good friends or chase a new hobby for a couple weeks that I never once showed interest in prior.

Once my psychiatrist prescribed me additional Adderall IR “boosters” early this year, it was game over. On an average day, I take 3x the IR dose.

I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep excitably yapping about random shit to anyone who’ll listen when my Vyvanse peaks, even if they’re visibly annoyed. I can’t take the awful migraines I get when my meds wear off from clenching my face all day. I can’t take the random temper tantrums and crying spells I have. I can’t keep lounging around, taking more Adderall as I tell myself I’ll surely be “productive” after I take just a little more.

I’m craving both sobriety and my old life more than any prescription now. Throughout the last 1.5 years, I truly believed I needed my meds, that they were prescribed to me for a reason, that they made me better at my writing. But maybe that’s not true.

Am I even an addict? And if so, what the hell do I do? How do I tell my family and my psychiatrist after lying in their faces for all this time? Were the external circumstances of my life simply better before my meds, and that’s why I was mentally much healthier? Is that actually what I miss? How do I deal with the shame of the shitty things I’ve done while under this influence? How do I go back to normal, or at least rebuild my life while stuck at home, doing online high school?

Any advice, words of wisdom, similar experiences, or anything of that nature would be greatly appreciated. Open to DMs. Thank you for reading. :-)

The summer I turned 15, I basically let myself botch my ADHD test to get Adderall (I was an insecure teenage girl who heard it could help you lose weight). My psychiatrist said the results were “inconsistent” and “unusual”, but I was diagnosed with ADHD anyway. I tried the low dose of Adderall XR I was prescribed a few times, but it made me unbelievably irritable, not to mention it gave me mild visual hallucinations. Requested to go off of it and didn’t look back.

Then, 1.5 years later (late November/early December 2024), I was suffering from very textbook mild depression due to stress at school, which mainly presented as fatigue and a lack of motivation. Seeing as I was still officially diagnosed with ADHD, I asked my psychiatrist if I could try ADHD meds again, as I hoped they would give me some much-needed energy. She gave me Vyvanse.

Before stimulants, I was going to sleep at 7PM and waking up at 4AM to exercise for an hour before going to school. People usually described me as polite, thoughtful, disciplined, calm, wise for my age, honest to a fault. My peers both liked and respected me as a person. But over the year I was on a steadily increasing dose of Vyvanse, my entire personality flipped.

I became horrendously lazy, temperamental, selfish, always seeming to make the worst decision with every choice and opportunity I was presented with. A cheating, lying little rat I despise, but can’t stop being. The best way I can describe it is that I stopped displaying goal-oriented behavior (I am doing X because I want to achieve Y), replacing it with impulse-oriented behavior (I am doing X because I want to do X in this moment, fuck the consequences, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there). Not just with using, but with everything, such as impulsively deciding to cut off good friends or chase a new hobby for a couple weeks that I never once showed interest in prior.

Once my psychiatrist prescribed me additional Adderall IR “boosters” early this year, it was game over. On an average day, I take 3x the IR dose.

I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep excitably yapping about random shit to anyone who’ll listen when my Vyvanse peaks, even if they’re visibly annoyed. I can’t take the awful migraines I get when my meds wear off from clenching my face all day. I can’t take the random temper tantrums and crying spells I have. I can’t keep lounging around, taking more Adderall as I tell myself I’ll surely be “productive” after I take just a little more.

I’m craving both sobriety and my old life more than any prescription now. Throughout the last 1.5 years, I truly believed I needed my meds, that they were prescribed to me for a reason, that they made me better at my writing. But maybe that’s not true.

Am I even an addict? And if so, what the hell do I do? How do I tell my family and my psychiatrist after lying in their faces for all this time? Were the external circumstances of my life simply better before my meds, and that’s why I was mentally much healthier? Is that actually what I miss? How do I deal with the shame of the shitty things I’ve done while under this influence? How do I go back to normal, or at least rebuild my life while stuck at home, doing online high school?

Any advice, words of wisdom, similar experiences, or anything of that nature would be greatly appreciated. Open to DMs. Thank you for reading. :-)

TW: Suicidal ideation

Hello! I (F18) want to move out. My mother’s temper and complete isolation in the house after 1.5 years of doing online high school have taken their toll on my mental health. My once mild depression has now become severe. After one fight in particular, I was 100% ready to end it all, forming a plan for that day and weighing my options. I then realized I was a danger to myself and nearly walked to a nearby psychiatric hospital. I decided to shower before I went, and that calmed me down slightly, so I talked to 988 instead and just cried hysterically until the fight was over.

I love my mother. She planned a surprise trip to New York for me for my 18th birthday, which I hear she was very excited for. We had a plan to live in New York together. But it’s like each fight we have, I can feel myself being pushed towards an uglier place, especially since her anger has worsened due to marital issues.

I realized I am turning 18 soon and am not obligated to continue living with my mother. I started acting with my safety in mind. I asked to cancel the family trip, which I still feel horrible about. I told my parents I want to rent a room or rent a place with a roommate sometime soon. I told them explicitly I did not want to leech off of them, that I would sell goods of mine we’ve been meaning to sell for years for immediate cash, then work part-time to pay rent. I assured my mother that the fights and my mental health were nobody’s fault, we’re only human, and we just need time apart. She framed this as me “needing a break from her” and saying she is “toxic.” She started giving me the silent treatment.

The next day, I vented about my situation to a friend. I admit, I used some colorful language and made crude, spoiled jokes about how I don’t owe her for raising me for 18 years in accordance with the law. I know my mother went above and beyond in raising me, completely devoting herself to me throughout my struggles with mental health. I was just being a stupid teenager. Anyway, it turned out he needed a roommate too, so we brought up the idea of finding a place together. We did not make any decisions, and I said I wanted to talk about it with my parents first.

A few hours later, my mother burst into my room, and after a struggle, managed to snatch my phone. She went to the living room where my father was and revealed she went through my texts—via a computer logged into my iCloud, I now know—and when I asked why, she said “because I can”, and that it is “parenting.”

During the fight, my mother:

- Said she did it because she can and that it is “parenting.”
- Said I meant things “figuratively” whenever I denied her interpretations.
- Claimed I don’t love her or my father, and that I am lying when I say I do.
- Said I manipulate my father and use him, only spending time with him for these purposes.
- Said I was “sticking my nose” in their marriage.
- Lied about venting about my dad to me and encouraging me to turn against him.
- Said I am a “master manipulator.”
- Said signs have been there all my life, and she is “not surprised” about this.
- Referred to me as “this individual” the whole time instead of by name or “she.”

I will never forget the way she was smiling when she said that. It was like triumph. Like an “I got you. I exposed you for what you really are” smile you would give your worst enemy. I left the room at that point.

It was my 18th birthday yesterday. She’s been giving me the silent treatment for several days, and yesterday was no exception. I got a cake and flowers from the mother of a friend I cut ties with after he borderline begged me to send topless nudes to random guys on Snapchat because it was “funny.” I must have said no ten times before he gave up and settled for sending them messages about all the detailed ways “I” want to have sex with them from an account with my full name. I tried to stop it, and he got pissed at me for “ending the trolling.” My mother cut off her friendship with his mother too, but renewed it to vent about me apparently. I overheard their conversation, in which my dad was involved, before I just went outside. When I asked about this, my dad lied to my face and told me I was just hearing things.

I really need some advice. I do wanna note that I am working on getting my GED and my driver’s license this summer. I do have a plan to go to community college and then transfer to a state university immediately after I finish.

I just feel like the longer I stay isolated in this house, rotting away in my bedroom and wasting my youth, relying on only my mother for friendship while walking on eggshells around her, the harder the damage to my mental health will be to undo.

TW: Suicidal ideation

Hello! I (F18) want to move out. My mother’s temper and complete isolation in the house after 1.5 years of doing online high school have taken their toll on my mental health. Not to say I was “perfect” before, but my mild depression has now become severe depression. After one fight in particular, I was 100% ready to end it all, forming a plan for that day and weighing my options. I then realized I was a danger to myself and nearly walked to a nearby psychiatric hospital. My teenagehood was spent in mental health programs, so trust me when I say I know those are, for lack of a better world, hell. I decided to shower before I went, and that calmed me down slightly, so I talked to 988 instead and just cried hysterically until the fight was over.

I love my mother. She planned a surprise trip to New York for me for my 18th birthday, which I hear she was very excited for. We had a plan to live in New York together. But it’s like each fight we have, I can feel myself being pushed towards an uglier place, especially since her anger has worsened due to marital issues. And after being pushed to a place like that, I was shaken up, I admit it. I felt trapped in this situation I’ve been in for 1.5 years, but I realized that I’m going to be an adult in the eyes of the law soon. So I began to act with my safety in mind. I asked to cancel the family trip—I still feel god-awful about it, but I didn’t think it was the right move at the time. I told my parents I want to rent a room or rent a place with a roommate sometime soon. I told them explicitly I did not want to leech off of them, that I would sell goods of mine we’ve been meaning to sell for years for immediate cash, then work part-time to pay rent. I assured my mother that the fights and my mental health were nobody’s fault, we’re only human, and we just need time apart. She framed this as me “needing a break from her” and gave me the silent treatment.

The next day, I vented about my situation to a friend. I admit, I used some colorful language and made crude, spoiled jokes about how I don’t owe her for raising me for 18 years in accordance with the law. I know my mother went above and beyond in raising me, completely devoting herself to me throughout my struggles with mental health, and that she did more than many other mothers required by law to raise their children do. I was just being a stupid teenager. My friend pushed it further, and I didn’t wanna make it all awkward by saying, “Hey, you went too far >:(“, so I responded with things I knew, even as I was typing them, I did not agree with. That’s just the kind of friendship we have, we both tell each other our worst thoughts and laugh about it together, making fun of whoever hurt us. Anyway, it turned out he needed a roommate too, so we brought up the idea of finding a place together. We did not make any decisions, and I said I wanted to talk about it with my parents first.

A few hours later, my mother burst into my room, and after a struggle, managed to snatch my phone. I kept asking her what was going on, but she refused to answer. She went to the living room where my father was and revealed she went through my texts—via a computer logged into my iCloud, I now know—and when I asked why, she said “because I can”, and that it is “parenting.”

She immediately began severely distorting what was said. For example, she claimed I said that I do not love her. I denied this and asked her to show me the text where I said that, and she said I meant it “figuratively.” She continued to pretty much lie about what I said, and every time I denied it, she said once again I meant it “figuratively.” 

She began saying I’m a liar. She said I don’t love her or my father, that I am lying when I say I do. She said I manipulate him and use him, only spending time with him for these purposes. She told him about the time I showed her his newly-made Instagram account and said I was “sticking my nose” in their marriage, that they knew each other long before me and they’re going to be “just fine”, that she only started venting to me about their marriage after the Instagram incident. To make a long story short, my mother started telling me horrible, concerning things about my father long before that incident, which slowly turned me against him. She was pissed off when I tried to stay neutral and out of it at first, then praised me when I began taking her side. One of these things was that he has a second phone he’s been hiding from her.

I’m not proud of my decision regarding the incident, but I felt like I was somehow lying if I did not tell her and thought it was the right thing to do at the time. That day, she praised me and said I was very sweet to show her the account, and that I should not feel bad at all for trying to protect her. I’ve also been spending less time with him as a result of these vents, and she even gave me the silent treatment for watching an episode of TV with him one time, but my mother now framed this as me not loving him. Of course, this was all conveniently left out.

Finally, she said I am a “master manipulator.” She said signs have been there all my life, and she is “not surprised” about this. I will never forget the way she was smiling when she said that. I don’t doubt she was upset, but there was no sign of it on her face. It was like triumph. Like an “I got you. I exposed you for what you really are” smile you would give your worst enemy. It was so smug, there was just so much ugliness inside of it. I left the room at that point.

It’s my 18th birthday today. She’s been giving me the silent treatment for several days, and today is no exception. I thought it was just another day like all my past birthdays have technically been, but wow. My whole life has changed in the eyes of the law. I’m technically an adult now. Damn. Anyway, I really need some advice. I feel completely stuck. I do wanna note that I am finishing up an online high school program and should graduate by late summer or early autumn, and that I am working on getting my driver’s license this summer. I don’t really have any life skills or experience with independence. Yes, yes, I know. Terrible combination for someone who wants to move out soon. I do have a plan to go to community college and then transfer to a state university immediately after I finish, if that helps. I just feel like the longer I stay isolated in this house, rotting away in my bedroom and wasting my youth, relying on only my mother for friendship while walking on eggshells around her, the harder the damage to my mental health will be to undo.

TW: Suicidal ideation

Hello! I (F18) want to move out. My mother’s temper and complete isolation in the house after 1.5 years of doing online high school have taken their toll on my mental health. Not to say I was “perfect” before, but my mild depression has now become severe depression. After one fight in particular, I was 100% ready to end it all, forming a plan for that day and weighing my options. I then realized I was a danger to myself and nearly walked to a nearby psychiatric hospital. My teenagehood was spent in mental health programs, so trust me when I say I know those are, for lack of a better world, hell. I decided to shower before I went, and that calmed me down slightly, so I talked to 988 instead and just cried hysterically until the fight was over.

I love my mother. She planned a surprise trip to New York for me for my 18th birthday, which I hear she was very excited for. We had a plan to live in New York together. But it’s like each fight we have, I can feel myself being pushed towards an uglier place, especially since her anger has worsened due to marital issues. And after being pushed to a place like that, I was shaken up, I admit it. I felt trapped in this situation I’ve been in for 1.5 years, but I realized that I’m going to be an adult in the eyes of the law soon. So I began to act with my safety in mind. I asked to cancel the family trip—I still feel god-awful about it, but I didn’t think it was the right move at the time. I told my parents I want to rent a room or rent a place with a roommate sometime soon. I told them explicitly I did not want to leech off of them, that I would sell goods of mine we’ve been meaning to sell for years for immediate cash, then work part-time to pay rent. I assured my mother that the fights and my mental health were nobody’s fault, we’re only human, and we just need time apart. She framed this as me “needing a break from her” and gave me the silent treatment.

The next day, I vented about my situation to a friend. I admit, I used some colorful language and made crude, spoiled jokes about how I don’t owe her for raising me for 18 years in accordance with the law. I know my mother went above and beyond in raising me, completely devoting herself to me throughout my struggles with mental health, and that she did more than many other mothers required by law to raise their children do. I was just being a stupid teenager. My friend pushed it further, and I didn’t wanna make it all awkward by saying, “Hey, you went too far >:(“, so I responded with things I knew, even as I was typing them, I did not agree with. That’s just the kind of friendship we have, we both tell each other our worst thoughts and laugh about it together, making fun of whoever hurt us. Anyway, it turned out he needed a roommate too, so we brought up the idea of finding a place together. We did not make any decisions, and I said I wanted to talk about it with my parents first.

A few hours later, my mother burst into my room, and after a struggle, managed to snatch my phone. I kept asking her what was going on, but she refused to answer. She went to the living room where my father was and revealed she went through my texts—via a computer logged into my iCloud, I now know—and when I asked why, she said “because I can”, and that it is “parenting.”

She immediately began severely distorting what was said. For example, she claimed I said that I do not love her. I denied this and asked her to show me the text where I said that, and she said I meant it “figuratively.” She continued to pretty much lie about what I said, and every time I denied it, she said once again I meant it “figuratively.” 

She began saying I’m a liar. She said I don’t love her or my father, that I am lying when I say I do. She said I manipulate him and use him, only spending time with him for these purposes. She told him about the time I showed her his newly-made Instagram account and said I was “sticking my nose” in their marriage, that they knew each other long before me and they’re going to be “just fine”, that she only started venting to me about their marriage after the Instagram incident. To make a long story short, my mother started telling me horrible, concerning things about my father long before that incident, which slowly turned me against him. She was pissed off when I tried to stay neutral and out of it at first, then praised me when I began taking her side. One of these things was that he has a second phone he’s been hiding from her.

I’m not proud of my decision regarding the incident, but I felt like I was somehow lying if I did not tell her and thought it was the right thing to do at the time. That day, she praised me and said I was very sweet to show her the account, and that I should not feel bad at all for trying to protect her. I’ve also been spending less time with him as a result of these vents, and she even gave me the silent treatment for watching an episode of TV with him one time, but my mother now framed this as me not loving him. Of course, this was all conveniently left out.

Finally, she said I am a “master manipulator.” She said signs have been there all my life, and she is “not surprised” about this. I will never forget the way she was smiling when she said that. I don’t doubt she was upset, but there was no sign of it on her face. It was like triumph. Like an “I got you. I exposed you for what you really are” smile you would give your worst enemy. It was so smug, there was just so much ugliness inside of it. I left the room at that point.

It’s my 18th birthday today. She’s been giving me the silent treatment for several days, and today is no exception. I thought it was just another day like all my past birthdays have technically been, but wow. My whole life has changed in the eyes of the law. I’m technically an adult now. Damn. Anyway, I really need some advice. I feel completely stuck. I do wanna note that I am finishing up an online high school program and should graduate by late summer or early autumn, and that I am working on getting my driver’s license this summer. I don’t really have any life skills or experience with independence. Yes, yes I know. Terrible combination for someone who wants to move out soon. I do have a plan to go to community college and then transfer to a state university immediately after I finish, if that helps. I just feel like the longer I stay isolated in this house, rotting away in my bedroom and wasting my youth, relying on only my mother for friendship while walking on eggshells around her, the harder the damage to my mental health will be to undo.

TW: Suicidal ideation

Hello! I (F18) want to move out. My mother’s temper and complete isolation in the house after 1.5 years of doing online high school have taken their toll on my mental health. Not to say I was “perfect” before, but my mild depression has now become severe depression. After one fight in particular, I was 100% ready to end it all, forming a plan for that day and weighing my options. I then realized I was a danger to myself and nearly walked to a nearby psychiatric hospital. My teenagehood was spent in mental health programs, so trust me when I say I know those are, for lack of a better world, hell. I decided to shower before I went, and that calmed me down slightly, so I talked to 988 instead and just cried hysterically until the fight was over.

I love my mother. She planned a surprise trip to New York for me for my 18th birthday, which I hear she was very excited for. We had a plan to live in New York together. But it’s like each fight we have, I can feel myself being pushed towards an uglier place, especially since her anger has worsened due to marital issues. And after being pushed to a place like that, I was shaken up, I admit it. I felt trapped in this situation I’ve been in for 1.5 years, but I realized that I’m going to be an adult in the eyes of the law soon. So I began to act with my safety in mind. I asked to cancel the family trip—I still feel god-awful about it, but I didn’t think it was the right move at the time. I told my parents I want to rent a room or rent a place with a roommate sometime soon. I told them explicitly I did not want to leech off of them, that I would sell goods of mine we’ve been meaning to sell for years for immediate cash, then work part-time to pay rent. I assured my mother that the fights and my mental health were nobody’s fault, we’re only human, and we just need time apart. She framed this as me “needing a break from her” and gave me the silent treatment.

The next day, I vented about my situation to a friend. I admit, I used some colorful language and made crude, spoiled jokes about how I don’t owe her for raising me for 18 years in accordance with the law. I know my mother went above and beyond in raising me, completely devoting herself to me throughout my struggles with mental health, and that she did more than many other mothers required by law to raise their children do. I was just being a stupid teenager. My friend pushed it further, and I didn’t wanna make it all awkward by saying, “Hey, you went too far >:(“, so I responded with things I knew, even as I was typing them, I did not agree with. That’s just the kind of friendship we have, we both tell each other our worst thoughts and laugh about it together, making fun of whoever hurt us. Anyway, it turned out he needed a roommate too, so we brought up the idea of finding a place together. We did not make any decisions, and I said I wanted to talk about it with my parents first.

A few hours later, my mother burst into my room, and after a struggle, managed to snatch my phone. I kept asking her what was going on, but she refused to answer. She went to the living room where my father was and revealed she went through my texts—via a computer logged into my iCloud, I now know—and when I asked why, she said “because I can”, and that it is “parenting.”

She immediately began severely distorting what was said. For example, she claimed I said that I do not love her. I denied this and asked her to show me the text where I said that, and she said I meant it “figuratively.” She continued to pretty much lie about what I said, and every time I denied it, she said once again I meant it “figuratively.” 

She began saying I’m a liar. She said I don’t love her or my father, that I am lying when I say I do. She said I manipulate him and use him, only spending time with him for these purposes. She told him about the time I showed her his newly-made Instagram account and said I was “sticking my nose” in their marriage, that they knew each other long before me and they’re going to be “just fine”, that she only started venting to me about their marriage after the Instagram incident. To make a long story short, my mother started telling me horrible, concerning things about my father long before that incident, which slowly turned me against him. She was pissed off when I tried to stay neutral and out of it at first, then praised me when I began taking her side. One of these things was that he has a second phone he’s been hiding from her.

I’m not proud of my decision regarding the incident, but I felt like I was somehow lying if I did not tell her and thought it was the right thing to do at the time. That day, she praised me and said I was very sweet to show her the account, and that I should not feel bad at all for trying to protect her. I’ve also been spending less time with him as a result of these vents, and she even gave me the silent treatment for watching an episode of TV with him one time, but my mother now framed this as me not loving him. Of course, this was all conveniently left out.

Finally, she said I am a “master manipulator.” She said signs have been there all my life, and she is “not surprised” about this. I will never forget the way she was smiling when she said that. I don’t doubt she was upset, but there was no sign of it on her face. It was like triumph. Like an “I got you. I exposed you for what you really are” smile you would give your worst enemy. It was so smug, there was just so much ugliness inside of it. I left the room at that point.

It’s my 18th birthday today. She’s been giving me the silent treatment for several days, and today is no exception. I thought it was just another day like all my past birthdays have technically been, but wow. My whole life has changed in the eyes of the law. I’m technically an adult now. Damn. Anyway, I really need some advice. I feel completely stuck. I do wanna note that I am finishing up an online high school program and should graduate by late summer or early autumn, and that I am working on getting my driver’s license this summer. I don’t really have any life skills or experience with independence. Yes, yes I know. Terrible combination for someone who wants to move out soon. I do have a plan to go to community college and then transfer to a state university immediately after I finish, if that helps. I just feel like the longer I stay isolated in this house, rotting away in my bedroom and wasting my youth, relying on only my mother for friendship while walking on eggshells around her, the harder the damage to my mental health will be to undo.