u/thepompommer

After The End

The flowers died on Manday. The funeral packed up, the mourners wiped their eyes, and the flowers were left sitting in a vase where the water didn’t quite reach their stems. Outside, it began to rain.

Firstly sorry, my keyboard’s broken so I’m mostly relying on autocorrect and will put * next to any typos.
Secondly, TRIGGER WARNING - HEAVY TOOICS - MENTAL HEALTH .
Thirdly, I don’t have the app anymore, but I had it for 2 years maybe up until a few months ago when I had to delete it due to storage issues. But I’ve come to love this community and anyone reading this would help more than you can imagine.

Now… here we go ig.
So I’m 15 and have struggled with SH for a year and a half. I’ve been clean for around 3 months, but I’ve kinda just switched from one thing to another: I’ve not been eating well, eg 1-2 meals a day during term time, and also I’ve been having a lot of SI. Not sure if I can type this out fully as it might get removed, so forgive me if some acronyms/descriptions are awkward to understand.

I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to be here for about 6 months, kind of on and off, but it’s got much worse in the last 3-4. I’ve had thoughts of SI basically at least twice a day, I’ve made hypothetical okans* like if I were to … then I’d do it like this, and I’ve also researched things like how many … does it take. I’m so tired of feeling like this.

To be completely honest, at this point the only reasons why I’m still here are because of my family/friends and due to inability to do the deed.

I’d also like to say in the nicest way possible that I’m not telling my parents about any of this, so atone advising me to tell them… sorry but no. Although they do know abt my SH and I went to therapy for a short period of time, and they’re really lovely, I hate talking to them about it. As far as they know I’m fine.

In terms of a trusted adult who I’d tell about something like this, there’s a teacher at school who I see for 15 mins every Friday, only now it’s the summer holidays. There’s a school councillor who I’ve also seen before, and should be again in September, but again - it’s the holidays.

I hate feeling this way. I’m scaring myself, and I feel so lonely and tired and scared and awful. Okease* help?

❤️❤️❤️

Firstly sorry, my keyboard’s broken so I’m mostly relying on autocorrect and will put * next to any typos.
Secondly, TRIGGER WARNING - HEAVY TOOICS* - MENTAL HEALTH .
Thirdly, I don’t have the app anymore, but I had it for 2 years maybe up until a few months ago when I had to delete it due to storage issues. But I’ve come to love this community and anyone reading this would help more than you can imagine.

Now… here we go ig.
So I’m 15 and have struggled with SH for a year and a half. I’ve been clean for around 3 months, but I’ve kinda just switched from one thing to another: I’ve not been eating well, eg 1-2 meals a day during term time, and also I’ve been having a lot of SI. Not sure if I can type this out fully as it might get removed, so forgive me if some acronyms/descriptions are awkward to understand.

I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to be here for about 6 months, kind of on and off, but it’s got much worse in the last 3-4. I’ve had thoughts of SI basically at least twice a day, I’ve made hypothetical okans* like if I were to … then I’d do it like this, and I’ve also researched things like how many … does it take. I’m so tired of feeling like this.

To be completely honest, at this point the only reasons why I’m still here are because of my family/friends and due to inability to do the deed.

I’d also like to say in the nicest way possible that I’m not telling my parents about any of this, so atone advising me to tell them… sorry but no. Although they do know abt my SH and I went to therapy for a short period of time, and they’re really lovely, I hate talking to them about it. As far as they know I’m fine.

In terms of a trusted adult who I’d tell about something like this, there’s a teacher at school who I see for 15 mins every Friday, only now it’s the summer holidays. There’s a school councillor who I’ve also seen before, and should be again in September, but again - it’s the holidays.

I hate feeling this way. I’m scaring myself, and I feel so lonely and tired and scared and awful. Okease* help?

❤️❤️❤️

Hello I am not asking for medical advice.

Anyway I took a picture but just realised this I can’t post it. It’s like a red pimple with a pale/white ring around it of maybe 1cm…
I’ve not slept on anything weird, it’s not swollen or itchy or anything, just weird.
Slightly worried about lymes disease bc I know that usually starts with a bullseye shape which could develop from what I’ve got…

Sooo yeah words have colours but also I can’t see them if that makes sense?? Like I know for a fact that Fridays are red, but I don’t see it. It’s more like something someone told me rather than what I see.
Anyone else have this? 😅

Hello I am not asking for medical advice.

Anyway I took a picture but just realised this I can’t post it. It’s like a red pimple with a pale/white ring around it of maybe 1cm…
I’ve not slept on anything weird, it’s not swollen or itchy or anything, just weird.
Slightly worried about lymes disease bc I know that usually starts with a bullseye shape which could develop from what I’ve got…

Hello I am not asking for medical advice.

Anyway I took a picture but just realised this I can’t post it. It’s like a red pimple with a pale/white ring around it of maybe 1cm…
I’ve not slept on anything weird, it’s not swollen or itchy or anything, just weird.
Slightly worried about lymes disease bc I know that usually starts with a bullseye shape which could develop from what I’ve got…

Hate being alive, would love to be dead, stage 2 suicidal ideation. But love my family too much & am too scared to do anything. Want someone to notice but would also hate nothing more??

So I’ve been struggling on and off recently with my eating, eg binging & restricting, but I’m trying to do better and I mostly am. But my mum never eats enough!

She works from home some days, and obvs on the weekends too, and she never has a proper lunch or breakfast; she also always gives herself less food when she’s serving us dinner.

For breakfast she usually has a banana, which is fine ig. But at lunch she barely eats and I thought maybe she’s just not hungry, but it’s all the time everyday! I asked why she wasn’t eating and she said bc she had jobs to do, so I offered to do them while she had lunch. She said ok fine, then proceeded to sit in the garden looking cross and not getting any food while I did the jobs.

Another time, we had kebabs for dinner which came in a pack of ten - for reference we’re a family of 5. My brothers and I had 2 each, my dad had 3, and she had one. I asked why she didn’t have more and she said because there weren’t enough. I said why not have one of Dad’s, and she didn’t reply and changed the subject.

I don’t know what to do or how to get her to eat. I’m worried about her, but also as you can imagine with a competitive ed (not diagnosed) it isn’t good for me either.

No one knows about my eating and I’m going to keep it that way, but I’d really appreciate advice on how to address this.

Thank you x

So I’ve been struggling on and off recently with my eating, eg binging & restricting, but I’m trying to do better and I mostly am. But my mum never eats enough!

She works from home some days, and obvs on the weekends too, and she never has a proper lunch or breakfast; she also always gives herself less food when she’s serving us dinner.

For breakfast she usually has a banana, which is fine ig. But at lunch she barely eats and I thought maybe she’s just not hungry, but it’s all the time everyday! I asked why she wasn’t eating and she said bc she had jobs to do, so I offered to do them while she had lunch. She said ok fine, then proceeded to sit in the garden looking cross and not getting any food while I did the jobs.

Another time, we had kebabs for dinner which came in a pack of ten - for reference we’re a family of 5. My brothers and I had 2 each, my dad had 3, and she had one. I asked why she didn’t have more and she said because there weren’t enough. I said why not have one of Dad’s, and she didn’t reply and changed the subject.

I don’t know what to do or how to get her to eat. I’m worried about her, but also as you can imagine with a competitive ed (not diagnosed) it isn’t good for me either.

No one knows about my eating and I’m going to keep it that way, but I’d really appreciate advice on how to address this.

Thank you x