u/timingbetter

I spent a stupid amount of time thinking I had some discipline problem during my PhD.

Every week I’d do the same thing. Make a schedule, convince myself THIS is the week I finally become organized, clean my desk, make coffee like I’m about to write the greatest literature review in human history… then somehow end up mentally exhausted before I even properly started working.

The weirdest part is I actually wanted to work. That’s what confused me.

I cared about the research. I’d feel guilty the whole day for not doing enough. But the second something became mentally difficult my brain would immediately start looking for an escape route.

I’d read half a paragraph, realize I didn’t fully understand something, then suddenly I’m checking email, opening random tabs, scrolling Reddit for no reason, staring into the fridge like there’s gonna be answers in there.

Even cleaning my room starts feeling deeply important the second there’s a difficult paper open in front of me.

And after a while I genuinely couldn’t tell if I lacked discipline or if my brain just got too used to constant distraction to tolerate how slow and uncomfortable PhD work actually is.

Because some days I’ll spend 4 hours stuck on one problem and leave even more confused than when I started. Sitting with that feeling without escaping into easier stimulation feels weirdly hard now.

Lately I’ve mostly been trying to stop instantly switching away the second my brain feels resistance. Not doing it perfectly at all honestly. Some days are still a complete mess.

But I have noticed that on days where my attention feels less scattered, the work itself feels way less impossible too.

Does other PhD people relate to this or am I just frying my attention span at this point.

J1 drains my brain so much that I waste half my J2 time distracted

I’m still pretty new to OE and honestly the jobs themselves are manageable. The bigger problem for me right now is what happens between J1 and J2.

By the time J1 wraps up, my brain already feels cooked from being on Slack all day, jumping between tabs, meetings, messages, random pings, trying to stay responsive, all of that.

Then I tell myself I’ll take a short break before starting J2 and somehow that turns into scrolling for way longer than I intended. Reddit, YouTube, random apps, checking stuff for no reason. Sometimes I lose a whole hour before I even properly start J2 work.

The annoying part is once I finally sit down and get into J2, the work is usually fine. It’s getting my brain to switch back into focus mode after J1 that’s killing me.

By that point my attention already feels exhausted from reacting to things all day. It’s like this weird brain fog where I know I should start working, but my mind keeps looking for the easiest stimulation possible instead. Even simple J2 tasks feel mentally heavier during that phase than they actually are.

I’m trying to get better at this because right now it feels like distractions are draining more time than the actual jobs.

I would honestly like to hear how other OE people deal with this because I can’t be the only one whose brain gets fried from constant context switching all day.

There's this assumption - one I held myself before going through it, that if you're the one who left, you must be okay. You made the choice. You wanted this. What do you even have to grieve?

But that's genuinely not how it works and I wish someone had told me. I left because staying was slowly hollowing me out. It was the right decision and I'm still sure of that on most days. And I am also grieving the life I had, the person I tried to be inside that marriage, the future I thought I was going to have, and a version of my ex from our early years that I still miss even while knowing clearly who we became together.

When I've hinted at struggling I get "well you chose this" or a slightly confused look that makes me feel like I'm not allowed to feel this way. So I mostly don't say it anymore. I perform being fine and I'm getting very good at it. Is there anyone here who initiated and still found the aftermath genuinely hard in ways they couldn't talk about?

26F here, diagnosed ADHD late in life and finally trying to write the fantasy novel I've had in my head since I was 14.

The problem is I'll write an incredible scene and then completely forget where the story was supposed to go. I've started this book four times smh each time I get distracted by a new character idea or subplot and the whole thing falls apart.

I can't hold the shape of a 90k word story in my head. I'll write something in chapter 8 that completely contradicts what I set up in chapter 2 and not notice until someone points it out

Is there an ai writing tool that's actually good at helping someone like me stay consistent and connected to the bigger picture of the story??? Help a girl out. Thanksss:)

I’ve been noticing this more lately and it’s kind of frustrating once you see it.

Whenever something actually moves my life forward, it usually comes from a moment I was avoiding. Not some big life decision, just small stuff that feels slightly uncomfortable so I keep pushing it.

Things like making a call I don’t feel like making, starting something I’ve been delaying, saying no when it’s easier to just go along, or even just putting my phone down when I know I’m using it to avoid something.

I’ll do ten other things around it, but not that one.

And then when I finally do it, it’s almost never as bad as I thought. Half the time it’s over quickly and I’m just left thinking why I dragged it for so long.

It’s not like everything suddenly becomes easy after that, but something does shift a bit. It’s easier to continue once I’ve crossed that first bit of resistance.

What I’m starting to realize is most days I’m not really stuck, I’m just avoiding one specific thing. And that one thing ends up deciding how the rest of the day goes.

I still catch myself doing it though. Knowing this doesn’t automatically fix it.

But it does make it easier to notice when I’m about to dodge it again.

Feels like there’s always that one thing sitting there in the background that I already know I should do but keep putting off.

Does others feel the same or if you’ve found a way to deal with that moment better.

Edit(Update):  Thanks to everyone for all thoughts. A few things really stuck with me, especially the idea that the hardest part isn’t the habit, it’s the 5 seconds before it when your brain tries to escape. I also tried planning my day the way someone suggested just blocking small habits on Google Calendar,Weirdly helps more than I thought. The one thing that really stood out was when I started using Jolt screen time. That tiny PAUSE between the apps I usually escape into hits HARDER than I expected... it basically catches me right before I slide back into the nothing loop. 

Went to a friend's birthday dinner last weekend. The waiter took everyone's order, asked the younger women a question about the wine, made eye contact with literally every person at the table except me. I'm not exaggerating, I counted. He looked AT me twice in two hours, both times to put a plate down.

I went home and stared at myself in the hallway mirror and tried to see what he saw. Soft beige cardigan. Black trousers. Hair pulled back. I look like the photo on a wellness brochure. I look like someone's mum, which I am, but also I'm a whole person who runs a business and just hiked Patagonia and read 47 books last year.

I don't want to dress like I'm 28. I don't want to be "noticed" in a creepy way. I just want to walk into a room and have someone register that I exist. Has anyone actually figured out how to step out of the wallpaper without feeling like a costume?

Long-time capsule person here. 32 active pieces, working on a 4 year run, the system is otherwise good.

Three years ago I did one of the recommended cull rounds, the kind where you're supposed to be "ruthless" and only keep what you've worn in the last 12 months. The green coat didn't make the cut. Olive, cropped, slightly oversized, weird sleeve seam that I loved. I hadn't worn it in maybe 14 months because we'd had a mild winter and then a wet one. By the rule, it had to go. So it went.

Reader, I have thought about that coat almost every week since. Every cool morning in October I think "the green coat would have been right for this." Every time I pull on the navy puffer instead I think about how the green one moved.

And here's what's been bugging me lately. The 12 month rule isn't actually about whether you wore the thing, it's about whether you'd wear it next year, which is a different and much harder question. I had been told the rule was a way to be honest with myself, but the rule is also a way to lose pieces that just had a quiet year.

I think the system over-indexes on recency. Or, I mean, the system is fine, I'm the one who applied it without enough nuance. Either way the green coat is gone and a Goodwill in 2022 has it now or it's in a landfill and I don't know which is worse.

Has anyone else had a piece like this where the cull was technically correct but actually wrong, and what did you change about your purge process after? Trying to figure out the right rule before this winter.