u/toebeans__

I’m an EMT student and Friday was my third clinical shift. Something about that day kind of got to me emotionally. The company I was riding with was IFT, so I didn’t even really see anything bad, per se. Our first pt was a 70 year old man with severely altered mental status going for a MRI. He had a little stuffed animal with him for comfort and his mental capacity was so low that he couldn’t handle being in machine because it scared him so bad. The last one of the day was a very pleasant 60 year old man who was a retired nurse with a DNR order. We were talking and he was lamenting about how he had a wonderful career in nursing before his health took it from him.

Something about that day just got to me. I felt so bad for every single patient on our ambulance. I didn’t feel this strongly during my first few clinical shifts seeing similar things. I just felt like my heart couldn’t handle it. I know this is a very rookie post and I have to get used to it but my god man it just made me so sad. My dad is getting to be around 60 and my grandparents are in their late 70s. It’s frightening thinking of them like in those situations.

My personal life and mental health hasn’t been the best lately which I’m sure played a role in my feelings of despair the other day to be entirely fair.

Only my girlfriend and a couple of close friends know, even though I’ve been going through this process for almost a year. I know the name I want to go by—my birth name and modifying my middle name—but I’ve told nobody. I’m so viscerally uncomfortable when people call me by my trans name, even though that’s all they know me as. I don’t post pictures on instagram where my chest is visible because people ask questions and it’s a conversation I don’t want to have. It’s embarrassing for some reason. I sort of wish I could just wake up and everyone would know me as how i want to be known. I don’t understand how I had the guts the first time but baulk at it now. I’ve considered even quitting my job so I don’t have to tell my coworkers. They all think I’m a cisgender male. Just venting.

Only my girlfriend and a couple of close friends know, even though I’ve been going through this process for almost a year. I know the name I want to go by—my birth name and modifying my middle name—but I’ve told nobody. I’m so viscerally uncomfortable when people call me by my trans name, even though that’s all they know me as. I don’t post pictures on instagram where my chest is visible because people ask questions and it’s a conversation I don’t want to have. It’s embarrassing for some reason. I sort of wish I could just wake up and everyone would know me as how i want to be known. I don’t understand how I had the guts the first time but baulk at it now. I’ve considered even quitting my job so I don’t have to tell my coworkers. They all think I’m a cisgender male. Just venting.

And it’s not for lack of trying. I grew up with dogs and I was never the biggest fan. My sister got a lab puppy that was never properly trained so I actually thought I hated dogs for a long time. In my senior year of high school I found a little shih-tzu pup outside in the rain and took him home with me to get warm and dry. Ended up he wasn’t chipped and we couldn’t find his owner, so he became ours. When I moved off to college he stayed with my parents. I love him and enjoy his company but I have no interest or desire to take him to my place.

I moved in with my lovely girlfriend about a year ago and she took her cat with her. He’s fine. He’s cute, he’s silly. I love him too but I really have no desire to own a pet. I give him the best quality food we can afford and make sure he’s cared for and happy, but I frankly don’t think I’d have a cat or a dog if not for my family or girlfriend. I’ve owned rodents in the past and it’s the same way. They’re living beings and deserve the best care, love, and exercise, but I don’t see much of a benefit in my life by owing one. If anything, it just gives me an extra level of anxiety.

I’m an avid reader of memoirs and scientific books. I’ll take a pen or a highlighter to underline specific quotes, phrases, etc. in whatever I’m reading. People will see this and be APPALLED that I’m “defacing” my book. They’ll see it as sacrilegious almost. It’s my book! Why do YOU care what I do with MY books? People act the same way when someone dog ears a book. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. It’s obviously a different story when it’s a borrowed book but if I bought it I’ll write in it however I so please.

This isn't a depression post, it's more of an overall look at my life. I'm 19 years old and going into my junior year of college. I've been a hardworking overachiever my whole life. I'm currently getting my EMT license in an 8 week accelerated class and I LOVE it. At University I'm pursuing a double major with a Bachelor of Arts in Music and a Bachelor of Social Work. I'm also working about 25 hours a week at my retail job. In all honesty, this EMT course has made me happier than music or social work have in the two years I've spent in the programs so far. I fricking love this class and I'm so excited for my first clinical shift on the ambulance come Saturday. If I did EMS straight out of high school I don't think I would've even started in University.

Yesterday I went to the funeral of a good high school friend who passed entirely too soon. Rest in peace, brother. There, I met up with some buddies I haven't spoken too since we all graduated. I realized just how much I missed these guys and just how much I've missed life. I hung out with my old buddies and it was just like we never had a gap. Those are my people, those are the ones I want to surround myself with. I reconnected due to an awful circumstance, but I left feeling genuinely happy.

Frankly, senior year I was getting stoned every night alone in my bedroom. I'd get off the phone with my friends at a prompt 8pm just to get high alone and watch some dumb family guy episode. What the heck, high school me? I've since mostly kicked my marijuana habit and now only smoke socially. About three months into dating my girlfriend I realized I was doing the same crap to her. "Going to bed" early just to get high alone. I kicked it pretty much then and there after being a hard stoner for the better part of two years. I realized how isolating that habit was and I didn't even enjoy it, it was just my routine. I was also a workaholic. Still am, really. I worked upwards of 50 hours a week the summer after my senior year at a rate of fourteen an hour. My life was wake up, clock in, clock out, smoke weed, repeat. I barely remember that summer. Sure, my savings are more cushiony than most, but I missed out on life. I missed out on traveling, enjoying my newfound adult freedom, making those memories with my friends, everything. I missed it due to working my ass off for pennies at a fast food restaurant and deluding myself into thinking it was to save for my future.

Really, I've been miserable for a long time and I feel like I had a mini epiphany last night. I need to live. I need to reconnect with my loved ones and not obsess with work. I sell lotions and candles for Pete's sake. I made $1.28 more than I did in high school. I want to adventure, I want to pursue EMS, I want to get out and live while I'm still young. Why am I a workaholic at 19? Why am I picking up shifts every weekend and cramming to study? Why am I bed rotting and scrolling instead of doing the things I know make me happy? Talking to the people I know make me feel like me?

I know this is all over the place, and I barely know if this fits the subreddit. I just wanted to share.

I had a weird sort of peppermint phase over the winter. Stocked tf UP on Peppermint Bark Truffle, Winter Mint, and Twisted Peppermint. Y'all... I keep that Winter Mint in the fridge as a cooling mist and it is saving my sweaty behind this Michigan summer. Haven't tried TP or PBT yet but holy smokes, BBW needs to release some summer mints. I highly recommend.

My girlfriend and I went to the pool at my gym today. We just got maybe knee deep in the water stating to acclimate when a lifeguard yells over at us “Um excuse me, how old are you two? Kids under 12 need to have adult supervision in the pool area”. I responded that we’re both 19 and she goes “oh… okay.” That lifeguard looked no older than we were! I really I don’t mind looking a little young for my age but this is the first time I’ve gotten prepubescent child. I guess more 12 year olds have large forearm tattoos and stretched septum rings than I know!

I try my best to live an ethical life, sometimes to a fault. For example my girlfriend and I got dresses the thrift store a few months ago and she fell asleep for the night before we could try them on together. I ended up confessing to her that I had already tried mine on without her and I was so sorry. I’ll bring a bug outside if it’s in my house, stuff like that. I had never sat down and thought about the animal/meat industry until I found myself driving next to three cattle trucks on the highway a couple days ago. Their cages were so small and didn’t look like they had any insulation or shock absorption. It made me really sad to see.

I started thinking that night, I don’t even really like meat a lot. I could so easily tweak my meals to be vegetarian and save money on meat. I eat lots of lentils, beans, and vegetables anyways. I challenged myself to eat this whole week plant based. I made a vegetarian burrito bowl for dinner that night and it was killer. I made vegetarian pho with fresh produce the next night. Delicious. That’s a diet I truly wouldn’t mind, I don’t need meat to make a good meal.

I did some research after I committed to this challenge on the egg & dairy industry specifically. It frankly disgusted me to see how predatory and inhumane these industries still are. I guess I had the notion that it’s just eggs, it’s just milk. I had never considered the forced impregnating of cows and slaughters of male chicks that go into that. It’s no more humane than the meat industry itself.

And frankly, I’m already mildly lactose intolerant. I don’t eat much cheese and eggs ick me out. I already buy nothing but almond milk. I thought of the idea of going vegan to be preposterous because of how difficult it sounds, but it really doesn’t seem that hard? Unless I’m missing something? I think the only thing I’d really have to give up is butter, ice cream, and eggs for baking but I’m sure I could find replacements just fine.

I think vegans have became such laughing stocks in the media, but why? It’s more ethical, healthier, and from what I’ve seen, a cost saver unless you’re buying the processed plant alternatives like Beyond and Impossible. I’m new on this journey of course but I don’t think I can turn a blind eye to the findings I’ve made. It’s just entirely against my moral code.

So the EMT course I’ll be taking sent an email out on May 6th with all the required documents and vaccinations. They said the TB skin test needed to be done 4 weeks prior to start date. It starts on June 1st so there was genuinely no way to get the skin test done before that 4 week mark. I got the skin test done with 2 weeks to the start date but I can’t find a place to get the blood test done, nor can I afford the $179 for the Quantiferon Gold blood test at the moment.

When registering for the class they said to expect the email regarding this information in mid May and I was diligently checking my email & spam folder until I got it. I am certain I didn’t miss any prior email from them.

I had two drinks over the span of 40 minutes, then waited 2 hours to drive home. I had some food and soda while I waited but I do think I still felt a bit off. I was feeling off all day though even before the alcohol. I sat in the car to test myself on if I was okay to drive before decided I was fine, but now I genuinely don’t know and I’m driving myself crazy with anxiety that I drove intoxicated. When I got home I did the alphabet from m, the nose touch, and the heel-to-toe walking tests. I just felt kind of off. The sources I read said to wait an hour per drink and I did, but diving deeper into it this morning I realized I may have still been buzzed. I looked up what other people describe their buzzes as feeling like and I didn’t feel tingly or anything. Perhaps my reaction time was a bit slower but I genuinely couldn’t tell because I was so hyper focused on my driving and trying to convince myself I fucked up. I don’t know truly what my normal reaction time would be.

My girlfriend asked me if I was buzzed at all on the way home and I said no but I did tell her this morning about my anxiety loop and that I’m scared I could have been, even though my self FSBs were fine and I waited the suggested time.

I’ve decided that if I truly get this anxious and spiral about things like this I need to not be drinking. I don’t think my mind can handle this and I fear I’ll always be second guessing myself. I don’t want to fuck around with driving intoxicated.