u/tonyabstract

i read your forgiveness letter, and i mean this with no anger in my heart: it was pretentious

i have noticed in all of your letters that you do not name what you’ve done: cheating, manipulation, abandonment, deceit

i know it is difficult for you to metabolize shame, but i always saw you as someone who rose to every challenge. this is disappointing

when you put distance between your actions and my harm, you are not apologizing. you are self soothing

you wrote that you are one text away; i am not. that’s why im writing this instead of sending it to you

i told my ex fp i wanted to cut contact permanently, but they still linger. they write letters, check up on me, and have breakdowns about me not being in their life.

they cheated on me and are still with the person they cheated with. even after finding that out, i stayed in their orbit for up to a whole year

they kept abandoning me over and over when i expected actual consistency out of them, and my final straw was when they left during a very tumultuous period in my life

i was dealing with domestic abuse and homelessness and they still left, didn’t check up on me once, and weeks later came back with some super long, seemingly sincere apology

what made me upset was they revealed they were going through something with a friend. it upset me because they had no idea what could have happened to me in those three weeks, but as soon as they needed regulation from me, they were back

they continue to talk about how they’re finally in a healthy relationship (two cheaters lol) and do everything together cause they live together now. well, in one of their posts they mention that he’s going to be gone for a week and they immediately started writing letters

it’s like they cling to people if it means they won’t be alone with their thoughts

i blocked them on everything but sometimes they make throwaway accounts to post letters or post on here, and it couldn’t be more obvious who they are written by

and it upsets me because they never name the things they did. they never say, “i cheated,” “i lovebombed you,” “i led you on.” they misrepresent what happened and keep it vague for sympathy

i remember a time when we were both young kids. i had gotten in trouble for something, and i knew that meant a vicious beating

i couldn’t handle it. i had just gotten beat for something else a day or two ago. i was still sore, i was eight years old and i knew i was not strong enough to handle the pain

i lied

i sold you out

i said whatever it is i had done, it was you instead. i insisted

i’ll never forget how shocked you were in the other room when dad went over and confronted you

you pleaded that you didn’t even know what he was talking about. five years old, pleading against violence

then he started beating you. i heard the belt whipping and you screaming with every last vocal cord

you kept crying out, “it wasn’t me! it wasn’t me!” inbetween your shrieks of pain

i sat there and listened, and even at that age i knew i had done something unforgivable

i am twenty two years old. i brought this story up with you a few years ago, i cried and apologized to you, and you forgave me

but i haven’t forgiven myself. i know this will stick with me for many more years, maybe even for life

now i have him tied up in legal hell because he punched me in the face repeatedly for waking him up

i know you all resent me for uprooting our lives, but i told you. he either goes to jail or i would have killed him myself

how could i not want him dead? tell me how

when you call me psychotic for saying things like that, you ignore these very memories that haunt my subconscious. the times i failed you. the times i failed myself

when our little sister was born, i started taking beatings for her. i would push her behind me and yell in mom’s face that she had to go through me

i begged dad once not to hit her, to hit me instead for something we had both done. and even though i don’t remember what it was, i know it was a petty reason coming from a violent man who wanted to hit something

he’s even beaten our dog

i know i wasn’t strong enough to take the pain back then. not physically or mentally. but now? i will gladly go down with the ship if it means he does not come back from this. trust and believe that he will see nothing but three brick walls and a gate for the next year of his life

i sacrifice myself as i should have back then

before, it should have been for you

but this time, it’s for me

if they’re too good looking i feel threatened and insecure

it’s also really hard even when i don’t feel that way. a lot of straight men are really dry

it feels like the only way to make other straight male friends is in person by making them laugh or talking about their interests

i have a lot of queer and (im sorry for sounding like a snob) less “attractive” male friends, but ones that i share a common style with are difficult

i know part of it is my own mental hangups and old high school insecurities but i do feel like another part of it is just how centered on women a lot of straight men are

how do i quell my own insecurities, and then how do i bridge the gap with other men?

im a beginner at cooking but i do love pan cooking. im making food for everyone tonight and we dont have much, so i made some ground beef and plain macaroni. that’s all we have

i boiled it because that’s what it said on the box, but it tastes plain. is it a good idea to throw it back in the pan (no water) with some more salt and pepper?

for future reference, i also wanted to add sour cream because i made sour cream noodles once and they tasted really good. do you do that before or after you drain the water?

like, would i add it in the pan and stir? or add it to the boiling water and stir? maybe (or most definitely) a stupid question but i still need to know. no sour cream for this batch tho

TLDR: met someone new after an awful relationship and it feels too good to be true sometimes

was in an awful “relationship” with a very selfish person. everything was always about them. i endured a year of severe emotional and mental abuse.

they cheated on me several times and are still with the person they cheated on me with, and when i got upset about it, i was “trying to control them.”

i would constantly communicate what i was and wasn’t okay with and they’d do it anyway, and when i did the same things back to try and show them how it felt to be treated that way, i was labeled abusive and dangerous.

that’s just the tip of the iceberg on that relationship. it has done severe damage to my trust and self esteem.

now i live with someone else, a roommate. because of an emergency, i had to move out and this was the only place that would take me.

i didn’t plan on opening myself to anyone again for a very long time, but we’ve been spending a lot of time together. it started with us making food every night for 2 weeks straight for everyone in the house because nobody else would buy food, so we had to figure it out. from there, i started to notice her staying downstairs to eat together with me.

we would stay up all night and talk, learn about each other, watch our favorite movies, blast music and do art together, and she started inviting me to her room to play our favorite games and practice guitar.

that went on for at least a month and we’ve since had our first kiss, gone on our first date, and started sleeping in the same bed. she’s even dyed my hair for the first time in my life.

it’s been great and i hate it. it reminds me how easy this could’ve been all along and how unnecessary all the abuse i endured was.

i’ve told her a bit about everything and she’s told me about her past as well. neither of us are ready, but we like each other. that’s kinda what we’ve agreed on. it feels so weird finding someone who moves at my pace when my entire romantic history has been people pressuring me into relationships to get what they want out of me.

i’ve always been made to feel insecure and controlling for wanting my partners not to look at other people. my last ex was the worst about that. they wanted to be allowed to look at and talk to whomever they wanted to while going off on me and saying the rudest shit possible if i mentioned another girl.

but this person thinks exactly like i do, we only fall by spending quality time together. she validates what ive been through and how i feel about certain things.

she makes me laugh a lot and she’s really nice to me, both of which i’m not used to. i don’t know how to handle it.

she’s got no other guys on rotation, no celebrity crushes, no victim complex about boundaries, and i still find myself getting insecure or wondering what the hell i’m doing.

i think my last ex really did a number on me. this all feels too good to be true after all of the DARVO i had to deal with prior.

the stupid DNS problem has ruined my connection. street fighter won’t work, other games have spotty connection, and my download speeds are awful.

by the way, i DID turn the DNS back to normal. i’m not still on cloudflare or google. i’ve tried EVERYTHING.

if street fighter connects, i can’t get more than 2 or 3 matches. same with this game.

this did not happen until i changed my DNS for this game. this is genuinely unacceptable on SNK’s part. i have no idea what to do to fix it other than trying to disable ipv6 on my router.

that has its own obstacles tho. my router’s not easily accessible to me.

i just wanted to try this game…

im 22. i’ve been seeing my roommate casually for about a month.

we’re not dating officially but we both do want to, we just believe in taking it slow so we can truly understand each other and not hurt ourselves too badly if we realize we’re not compatible.

we met as roommates first about a week after i moved in (we were so awkward we’d avoid each other lol) and slowly started hanging out. we started by cooking dinner for everyone together for about a week and a half straight, just staying up and trying new stuff in the kitchen.

from there, it went to her inviting me to her room to play video games or us drawing outside together, blasting our favorite music or watching our favorite movies, and otherwise just spending time around each other.

this has been going on for a little over a month. it’s been really fun and i’ve grown to like her a lot.

well, last night, things sped up a little bit. we had our first kiss and ended up making out for a while. eventually she starts using tongue.

we were making out for a while so the 3rd or 4th time she did it, i took it as a sign to go further. i started feelin around for a little bit and then i grabbed her boob. she gently pulled my hand back behind her and said it was too early in our relationship.

i felt embarrassed and i hate that i feel that way, cause i didn’t want to go the full way. i just got excited and i don’t want her to have the image of me in her head that im like that.

she didn’t say “you’re not good enough,” she didn’t say “i don’t like you like that,” she didn’t even really say “no,” she just said “not yet.”

in fact we actually kept kissing for a few minutes until i apologized again and said “i agree it’s too early i just got excited, im sorry.” she said it was okay.

we still went to bed together, we woke up and made pancakes, then went on a walk and did a drawing together.

but it has me feeling like i made myself look like a horny teenage boy all over again.

i know i need to trust reality: she still hangs out with me, she still thinks im awesome, she still gives me hugs and kisses and talks to me, and i didn’t even do anything wrong. she calmly let me know what she wasn’t okay with, but it has me feeling embarrassed that i even went there.

i think this is the “rejection hypersensitivity” part of bpd. what do you guys think? any advice for me?

[TLDR: my ex used to bait me into arguments and use them to call me crazy and controlling]

i finally slammed the door on the most abusive relationship of my life yesterday.

my ex cheated on me several times and would gaslight me about it. when we met, i ignored a lot of red flags because we were just supposed to be friends with benefits. i know i can handle those kinds of relationships so i trusted myself.

they would constantly brag about their sexual experiences. “i learned how to give head from a gay dude, his body count is over 100, my ex’s dick was so big it hurt, etc etc.”

two months in and they wanted more. i obliged. within a week they’re cheating on me with that same gay guy they kept bringing up since we met. they made him out to be the perfect partner and everything i wasn’t.

he was in a different country at the time and they’re supposedly poly, so we kept hooking up. they told me he knew about it. apparently, he wasn’t fully aware. they also texted me behind his back several times. all this to say, they cheated on him with me as well, without mine or his knowledge, and despite him being so perfect.

they made me feel controlling for my boundaries at the start, which were that i don’t want them to be friends with people they’ve fucked for obvious reasons. they lied to their friends that i was abusive for getting mad at their antics. they would bait me into arguments and leave whenever they got called out, only to keep coming back whenever they missed me.

one time, it got especially bad. i warned them that they couldn’t keep leaving the way they do because my abandonment issues were getting really awful from all the abuse. they did it anyway and i ended up calling them 200 times and freaking out.

they called me crazy, said i had serious issues, told me to leave them alone and contact literally anybody else, and if i had nobody else then to go on reddit asking for advice.

fine, i left them alone. next thing i know, they find my reddit and start looking through my posts and texting me on here saying they miss me and they’re sorry despite me being crazy and messed up.

that was months ago. i forgave them but it wasn’t the same after. i’ve been feeling less and less for them over time. they invited me to this show and we went together, and it felt off. they talked about themselves the whole time and they just weren’t interesting. the magic wasn’t there anymore.

we argued because i got insecure that they were getting too close to the drummer. the thing is, they get insecure as well despite them having cheated on me. when they get insecure, it’s okay. they can say whatever mean things they want to me. when i get insecure? it’s proof im not a good partner.

so i calmly brought it up and they cut me off again. i freaked out at first but i calmed down and was fine with it. that was about a month ago. a few days ago, they text me again giving me this long apology that seemed sincere until they let me know that something happened in their life to make them text me.

that’s what set me off. it’s never a big deal until it happens to them, then it’s fucked up. them cheating is “discovering their sexuality,” but them getting cheated on is the worst thing ever. me missing them is my problem, but them missing me means they get to text me.

the annoying part is i’ve been going through housing issues and was almost homeless. for all they knew, i could’ve really been homeless this past month. no checkup, no concern, no “how are you?” nothing, until they need some kind of attention or validation from me.

i let my ex know after they apologized that im pursuing someone else, and yesterday, when i cut them off, they tried to flirt with me. i asked them if they texted me just to clear their conscience and they said, “you miss me or something?”

i found that very disrespectful, and i think it was bait.

now, i see everyone like that. nobody has respect for your boundaries. everyone wants to bait people like us into being the crazy ones.

got the game to work by changing the dns to cloudflare but now street fighter won’t work no matter what i do.

neither of them work for longer than a few matches if at all