u/turtlepizza5488

TW: Hell

So I work as a groundskeeper at a retirement home. I don't know if this guy is a resident there or not, but there's an older gentleman who seems to be about late 50's/early 60's. The main duty of my job is to go around the property picking up trash. There's a shit ton of it almost every day because it's right by a busy road in a not so fantastic part of town. And the people that work there do not GAF.

Ever since I started working there I have been finding those god-awful little religious pamphlets everywhere. The little ones with the basic summaries of Christianity and the "gospel" with the goofy little drawings in them. "Will you choose Jesus or Satan? Will you live in eternal peace or burn in Hell forever?" And ones that say "Satan Sucks," and also talk about burning in Hell forever inside. One says "Heaven's sweet, Hell is hot! You're going to one, ready or not!" 🤮

Even when I was a Christian I hated these little pamphlets. Hell isn't even in the Bible the way it's described as by people, that was invented and added in later on. At the back of them it insists that you read the Bible every day and the KJV specifically. Ugh. Hated these things.

I hate them even more now as an unbeliever and it's so easy to see through the threats of eternal suffering to get you to become a shell of your former self and join their cult so you can be controlled and taken advantage of. It's absolutely absurd. And I see these goddamn little pamphlets all over the campus. I have to pick them up off of benches throughout the property, he leaves them on top of trash cans, he leaves them on tables. Almost every day there's more left behind on these surfaces all over. Then I have to pick all of them up, not to mention all the ones I find lying around the property on the ground. Even when I believed I tended to throw these away because I firmly believed the gospel should be love-based and not fear-based and these pamphlets emphasized Hell and fire and brimstone. Frankly they are disgusting.

I figured out who was doing it because he came up to me and gave me one while I was working. I remember how fake I tended to be as a Christian even though I was trying to be genuine, it still was fake because of the nature of the beliefs and always having the alterior motive to convert people. It's so easy to see through the fakeness now. He comes up to me and says "Thank you, good job" about my work, and two times now it was just a lead to try and give me a pamphlet. Then he'd say "I have a gift for you and your family!" And hand you one. 😭🤢 The first time he gave me one I took it to be nice, mostly because I still partially believed at that point and was just beginning to not ignore my doubts and questions. I read it and it said nothing I hadn't already heard a million times. I wondered why he gave it to me because I was wearing a pretty big cross necklace at the time.. I was clearly in the club lol.

The second time he tried to give me one he said the EXACT SAME THING about "Good job! I have a gift for you and your family!" 🤢 That time I declined and told him he already gave me one and he was like "Oh." Funny, if you were being led by the Spirit™ wouldn't you have already known you gave me one? Lol.

Later he said "Thanks" again as I was doing a trash can. I was pissed at him more because he was creating more litter for me and making my job harder than anything and I was short with him and I guess he had enough sense to not try and give me a fucking third one. I was tempted to tell him I wanted him to stop leaving those pamphlets around because it makes my job harder but I didn't want to get drawn into some stupid conversation and be accused of working for Satan or some shit. Next time I might just ask him to stop anyways cuz it's pissing me off. Christians are so fucking annoying and inconsiderate. Just wanted to vent about it. Thanks. <3

How do you figure? When a man and woman choose to have a child, do they not owe that child anything? You bring a life into this world, and you don't owe them anything? Make it make sense. When you choose to bring a life into this world, you definitely do owe them something.

How do you figure? When a man and woman choose to have a child, do they not owe that child anything? You bring a life into this world, and you don't owe them anything? Make it make sense.

I feel backed into a corner and I do not know what to do, what to think, what to feel or what to believe. I simply do not think it is intellectually honest for me to keep the faith anymore despite my heart wanting to, and I can’t let emotions and my feelings dictate my life/belief system, I want what is true even if it means I don’t have an infinitely loving, perfect Heavenly Father watching out for me and caring for me. I hate the idea of the void and of me being alone, but it is what it is. This is going to be a pretty long read so sorry for that in advance. Also sorry if it is written erratically and hard to read.

Some background. 
I was raised Christian in a Christian household, midwest USA, non-denom, not too extreme like evangelicals, I was allowed to watch Spongebob and play video games and watch things like Star Wars. Wasn’t allowed to play shooters or M rated games until I was around 15/16 though, but honestly that isn’t terrible parenting. However I was made to go to Church, and I was taught to love Jesus and to not stray from Him from a very young age and to trust the Bible, and I suppose that must have something to do with how I look at it and the comfort I had as a child from being told how loved by God I was and how special I was in His eyes. From what I remember they weren’t super adamant about Hell and demons when I was young, thank GOD because that probably would have me even more traumatized and scared than I am now. I already have OCD, anxiety and depression, and I am pretty certain Autism+ADHD, though they never took me to be formally evaluated and it’s hard to get that done now as an adult, but the evidence for it is abundant since childhood. They are antivax, mostly anti-medicine but not entirely, and Trump supporters. My Dad has admitted Trump is a bad person and that he doesn’t like him personally at least, he just thinks he is a good President. My mom however does like him personally, and she was abusive and cruel to me throughout my childhood, mostly my teenage adolescent years, but that’s a whole other can of worms. 

I stopped believing in God/Jesus when I was around 14-15, a bit after my Grandpa who I was close to died and my mom became far more abusive because of her inability to handle and process the grief. I got addicted to porn and hentai when I was 10 but the sudden pain in my life from the death and abuse led me to completely dive into it to escape and it became an awful addiction and bad coping mechanism that I still struggle with. I went from about 15 to 21, maybe 22? not believing. (I am 23 now.) In that time I listened to nihilistic death metal, anti Christian music, had a lot of sex with multiple partners/girlfriends, and from 17-21ish got into drugs. Smoked a TON of weed, got drunk, was addicted to abusing Adderall for a time, spent a few years off and on doing cocaine. Did some Xanax, lots of magic mushrooms and LSD, all that jazz. I eventually got tired of psychedelics after a few bad trips, and eventually cocaine made me too anxious to be enjoyable even with alcohol. I lost access to Adderall but that was good. I had psychosis after an acid trip and was in the psych ward for just shy of a month, and still having the psychotic symptoms after being let out for at least another month or two-ish.  After my first son was born I did cocaine once, maybe twice? But then decided I wanted to be completely done with it both for myself, my wife and our son. 

I quit everything except weed and alcohol and you couldn’t pay me to be within 100 feet of cocaine ever again. I won’t touch intense psychedelics anymore either and hardly smoke weed at all anymore, and when I do it's usually a vape pen that is very low on THC and almost entirely CBD. I quit all weed entirely for two and a half months after our second son was born and since then I haven’t liked it the same. Now I just take a few puffs off the mostly CBD pen sometimes and have a couple beers after work or whatever. I don’t get drunk/disorderly anymore and don’t like the feeling of it or being too high anymore. Having two kids kicked in my dad instincts and I decided I wanted to do and be better for them and for my wife who I was unfaithful to for a while before I decided I loved her and them more than that. 

Many factors led me to seeking God/Jesus again after years of unbelief, and I was absolutely certain that He had come to me and made me born again one night when I was listening to Bible audio with soft gentle music in a desperate attempt to reach out. I was so certain, that I changed my entire life for it/Him. I’ve had other experiences like that before and after then (usually involving music), but now I am starting to wonder if it was my own head chemicals making me believe what I wanted to believe because I was so desperate and alone and wanted that supposed unconditional love that I heard so much about. And I wanted to do and be better but didn’t believe I could do it on my own. 

It’s been almost 2 years since then, and during those 2 years I loved Jesus tremendously. I told people about Him, drew many art pieces depicting Him, listened to worship music, read and listened to the Bible and many sermons. I even lost some friends over it, granted it was probably because I was being a religious zealot, I got caught in a pharisee/legalistic mindset for a stint because I was a baby Christian and impressionable and you know how AWFUL social media is about that especially with the Evangelicals. Thankfully I realized that was wrong and wanted to focus more on the love, compassion and kindness of Jesus. Still, I struggled greatly with religious OCD and performance anxiety. I was constantly worrying and examining every thought, feeling and desire obsessively. Felt guilty to spend a moment on myself or my hobbies. Constantly being caught up in legalism even though I knew that wasn’t right and kept trying to ignore/rebuke that. Felt like a monster every time I relapsed to pornography. All of that combined with trying to find the right theology was beyond overwhelming because of what I believed was at stake, eternal salvation or permanent death. (I believed in ECT at first but the more I felt I was getting to know God and studied I realized that if He is real thankfully that more than likely isn’t true. Hell is almost certainly just death, blotted out from existence.) 

Eventually it all just became so ridiculously confusing and overwhelming for me that I started getting over the whole thing. My beliefs were making me an anxious, nervous wreck, not only for myself but for everyone else and my loved ones, and I wasn’t much feeling that peace of God most of the time or the supposed light and easy yoke and burden. It got better when I got off of Christian social media with their absurd legalism, performativeness and rigidity. But I have still been plagued with the thoughts of how I’m a worthless, evil, wretched sinner that didn’t deserve to be pissed on if I was on fire, and frankly I’m tired of thinking of myself and others that way, it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting to the point of just wanting to be dead, and I just can’t look at other people that way and think that they and I deserve to die just for being human. 

I took a step back from Bible and prayer and all of that stuff for a bit for the sake of my sanity and tried to just enjoy my life and be there for my family. It got to the point where I couldn’t really stand to read the Bible anymore because all I started to get from it was “You suck, you’re a worthless sinner, you need God and the blood of Jesus to be remotely good or have any value, you’re completely inadequate, btw you suck lol.” I’ve gotten so tired of the self hate and lack of any worth apart from God. 

Truthfully, I have done some pretty awful and reprehensible things in my life, but I’ve just gotten tired of completely and abysmally hating myself for it. I am human, we do fucked up and bad things sometimes. Good people with good hearts do bad things sometimes, because we are human. Do I deserve to be smited from existence forever for it? Maybe, but I’m starting to think that’s a little extreme and unfair. I started rejecting modern American Christianity and fundamentalism, and upon looking more into the Bible and the history of it, the Church and Christianity as a whole as well as some science, it’s shaken my entire faith to the core and I don’t rightly think I can believe it anymore. I’ve been deeply depressed, angry, on the verge of crying (I probably will soon just still kind of aloof/in disbelief about it all.) I’ve been shaking with anxiety and worry. I am incredibly stressed.

I can’t keep doing the mental gymnastics and cognitive dissonance it takes to defend or justify the slaying of children and infants, multiple times. I just can’t. Especially now that I am a father with two baby boys. They are completely innocent. I cannot fathom a God that loves these boys even more than I do would ever command us to murder them, regardless of their race or nationality. It would have been more merciful and loving to have just instantly smited them Himself, but instead He commands humans to slice them up with swords? Then, later, the author goes so far as to say it would make you HAPPY to beat your enemy’s infants heads against the rocks? 

I can’t justify God commanding/allowing David’s wives/concubines to be publicly raped to punish DAVID? In what world is it just, merciful or loving to have someone’s woman/s raped to prove a point to them? When they had nothing to do with David’s crimes? I can’t imagine they happily consented to being screwed in broad daylight in front of their entire nation. And He killed their firstborn son, again punishing someone innocent for the crimes of someone else? And the baby didn’t even just die, they suffered for a week first? Allowing an innocent baby to die a slow and tortuous death just to prove a point to David? 

God killing 70,000 people just because David took a census? 

Endorsed slavery/servitude, granted they still had some rights but still. The whole “you can beat them within an inch of their life, just don’t kill them” thing? What?

Job. Enough said. 

I’ve been researching and there is just an abundant amount of evidence that the Bible is completely fabricated and invented by man. 

Hordes of contradictions. Not just small ones or things that could be chalked up as just “seen from different angles,” but straight up irreconcilable contradictions. I read an article listing and citing 50 contradictions and that barely scratches the surface.

The more I look at it the more it seems that God conveniently matches the mentality of the people of the times, especially the men. He endorsed and allowed the belittlement and dehumanization of women to being property despite them supposedly being His beloved daughters? There’s numerous times in the Bible of God using women and children as nothing more than expendable tools to teach a man a lesson. When they are very much unique and human beings with their own personalities. “Made in the image of God and wholly loved,” for what, to be used as fodder? 

I can’t get behind the silly and detached apologetics. The potter and clay argument is nothing short of morbid and incredibly depressing. Are we tools or beloved children? 
Many of the messianic prophecies appear to not even really be prophecies but random lines and song lyrics pulled out of context. The Gospels and the supposed fulfilled prophecies in them feel totally contrived and like huge stretches. 

Paul explicitly states that we should all be in agreement and unity as believers, and there is ANYTHING but that in Christians and Christianity, even within the same denominations. This really poked a hole in my faith. Nobody can agree on hardly anything, even things considered core and foundational or “the most important.” Further on that, Jesus Himself said “Anyone who is not against us is for us,” yet nearly every Church denomination is completely elitist, and balks at ecumenism. 

The total hypocrisy in the vast majority of Christians, including myself. The Catholic history of torturing and killing people in the worst ways over disagreements in teachings and over wanting to translate and share the Bible with people. The absurdness of the Church, dogma and creed histories. My mother (she used to be a lot better, more “on fire” but has gotten worse) who says she is a Christian is an abusive, manipulative gaslighting drunk. My wife and kids and I have had to live with her for the last almost 2 years because we lost our apartment. All of us, my dad and 16 year old brother included are all beaten down and mostly unhappy because of her. There have been many nights of drunken screaming and us screaming back, sometimes even leading to physical violence from both sides. All the while she claims Jesus. “God knows my heart.” Which, if He’s real is true, but still. 

The entire belief system seems rooted in fear, manipulation, guilt and shame, and a negative and self deprecating view of humility. Which, if we are made in God’s image and loved beyond conceivable measure, would He really want us to have such an overwhelmingly negative self image? Would He want us to abhor and hate ourselves? That in of itself almost seems like false humility and a form of pride, in a way. But above all the worst of it is the fear and guilt, and it comes off as entirely manipulative, predatory and abusive especially in most Churches. I agree when I’ve seen some people say that these highly negative ideas of ourselves and self-image make it much harder if not impossible to actually, truly improve as people. Another thing that would keep us trapped in an abusive cycle. Not to mention how CONTROLLING it all is, in every aspect of your life. Why would God need to be so utterly controlling? Why would the God of the universe who is supposedly perfectly and infinitely loving need to micromanage everything? Is that really God or is it the spirit and mindset of the religious Pharisees? The religious zealots of today?

On top of all that, it all just really seems like wishful thinking. “Too good to be true.” When I was a full on believer I came up with the phrase “Too good to NOT be true!” Haha. Well… I don’t know. 
“We’ll see all of our loved ones and family again!”
“We’ll live forever and ever without any pain, death or suffering!”

It really does honestly kind of just feel like cope and wishful thinking for the hardships of life. Forced positivity, lack of genuinely handling and dealing with emotions. Trying to conform and fit into a tiny, inhuman box. 

All in all, I’m tired of the goofy and unsatisfying apologetics, I’m tired of the pressure, tired of the mental gymnastics and appeal to ignorance. I’m tired of the self-hate and guilt. I’m tired of all of it. 

And the saddest thing for me is, if I do end up fully deconverting and not believing in Jesus anymore, it’s not Hell that I’m scared of, though I’d be lying if I said the idea of it didn’t scare me at all. The saddest thing for me is if I deconvert, stop believing, and He does turn out to be real, and if He really is all loving and really did love me enough to take that cross for me, I don’t want to miss out on that love. I want that love. I really truly have loved Jesus and I hate that I am so gravely doubting to the point of deconversion and unbelief. I hate that it appears to be questionable that He is good or even real. What if He is real and telling the truth and I miss out on an eternity of perfect love all because I stopped believing? If He is perfectly loving and understanding I hope that He would have mercy on me if so. 

Thanks to anyone who read all of this and anyone who offers advice or help.

I feel backed into a corner and I do not know what to do, what to think, what to feel or what to believe. I simply do not think it is intellectually honest for me to keep the faith anymore despite my heart wanting to, and I can’t let emotions and my feelings dictate my life/belief system, I want what is true even if it means I don’t have an infinitely loving, perfect Heavenly Father watching out for me and caring for me. I hate the idea of the void and of me being alone, but it is what it is. This is going to be a pretty long read so sorry for that in advance. Also sorry if it is written erratically and hard to read.

Some background. 
I was raised Christian in a Christian household, midwest USA, non-denom, not too extreme like evangelicals, I was allowed to watch Spongebob and play video games and watch things like Star Wars. Wasn’t allowed to play shooters or M rated games until I was around 15/16 though, but honestly that isn’t terrible parenting. However I was made to go to Church, and I was taught to love Jesus and to not stray from Him from a very young age and to trust the Bible, and I suppose that must have something to do with how I look at it and the comfort I had as a child from being told how loved by God I was and how special I was in His eyes. From what I remember they weren’t super adamant about Hell and demons when I was young, thank GOD because that probably would have me even more traumatized and scared than I am now. I already have OCD, anxiety and depression, and I am pretty certain Autism+ADHD, though they never took me to be formally evaluated and it’s hard to get that done now as an adult, but the evidence for it is abundant since childhood. They are antivax, mostly anti-medicine but not entirely, and Trump supporters. My Dad has admitted Trump is a bad person and that he doesn’t like him personally at least, he just thinks he is a good President. My mom however does like him personally, and she was abusive and cruel to me throughout my childhood, mostly my teenage adolescent years, but that’s a whole other can of worms. 

I stopped believing in God/Jesus when I was around 14-15, a bit after my Grandpa who I was close to died and my mom became far more abusive because of her inability to handle and process the grief. I got addicted to porn and hentai when I was 10 but the sudden pain in my life from the death and abuse led me to completely dive into it to escape and it became an awful addiction and bad coping mechanism that I still struggle with. I went from about 15 to 21, maybe 22? not believing. (I am 23 now.) In that time I listened to nihilistic death metal, anti Christian music, had a lot of sex with multiple partners/girlfriends, and from 17-21ish got into drugs. Smoked a TON of weed, got drunk, was addicted to abusing Adderall for a time, spent a few years off and on doing cocaine. Did some Xanax, lots of magic mushrooms and LSD, all that jazz. I eventually got tired of psychedelics after a few bad trips, and eventually cocaine made me too anxious to be enjoyable even with alcohol. I lost access to Adderall but that was good. I had psychosis after an acid trip and was in the psych ward for just shy of a month, and still having the psychotic symptoms after being let out for at least another month or two-ish.  After my first son was born I did cocaine once, maybe twice? But then decided I wanted to be completely done with it both for myself, my wife and our son. 

I quit everything except weed and alcohol and you couldn’t pay me to be within 100 feet of cocaine ever again. I won’t touch intense psychedelics anymore either and hardly smoke weed at all anymore, and when I do it's usually a vape pen that is very low on THC and almost entirely CBD. I quit all weed entirely for two and a half months after our second son was born and since then I haven’t liked it the same. Now I just take a few puffs off the mostly CBD pen sometimes and have a couple beers after work or whatever. I don’t get drunk/disorderly anymore and don’t like the feeling of it or being too high anymore. Having two kids kicked in my dad instincts and I decided I wanted to do and be better for them and for my wife who I was unfaithful to for a while before I decided I loved her and them more than that. 

Many factors led me to seeking God/Jesus again after years of unbelief, and I was absolutely certain that He had come to me and made me born again one night when I was listening to Bible audio with soft gentle music in a desperate attempt to reach out. I was so certain, that I changed my entire life for it/Him. I’ve had other experiences like that before and after then (usually involving music), but now I am starting to wonder if it was my own head chemicals making me believe what I wanted to believe because I was so desperate and alone and wanted that supposed unconditional love that I heard so much about. And I wanted to do and be better but didn’t believe I could do it on my own. 

It’s been almost 2 years since then, and during those 2 years I loved Jesus tremendously. I told people about Him, drew many art pieces depicting Him, listened to worship music, read and listened to the Bible and many sermons. I even lost some friends over it, granted it was probably because I was being a religious zealot, I got caught in a pharisee/legalistic mindset for a stint because I was a baby Christian and impressionable and you know how AWFUL social media is about that especially with the Evangelicals. Thankfully I realized that was wrong and wanted to focus more on the love, compassion and kindness of Jesus. Still, I struggled greatly with religious OCD and performance anxiety. I was constantly worrying and examining every thought, feeling and desire obsessively. Felt guilty to spend a moment on myself or my hobbies. Constantly being caught up in legalism even though I knew that wasn’t right and kept trying to ignore/rebuke that. Felt like a monster every time I relapsed to pornography. All of that combined with trying to find the right theology was beyond overwhelming because of what I believed was at stake, eternal salvation or permanent death. (I believed in ECT at first but the more I felt I was getting to know God and studied I realized that if He is real thankfully that more than likely isn’t true. Hell is almost certainly just death, blotted out from existence.) 

Eventually it all just became so ridiculously confusing and overwhelming for me that I started getting over the whole thing. My beliefs were making me an anxious, nervous wreck, not only for myself but for everyone else and my loved ones, and I wasn’t much feeling that peace of God most of the time or the supposed light and easy yoke and burden. It got better when I got off of Christian social media with their absurd legalism, performativeness and rigidity. But I have still been plagued with the thoughts of how I’m a worthless, evil, wretched sinner that didn’t deserve to be pissed on if I was on fire, and frankly I’m tired of thinking of myself and others that way, it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting to the point of just wanting to be dead, and I just can’t look at other people that way and think that they and I deserve to die just for being human. 

I took a step back from Bible and prayer and all of that stuff for a bit for the sake of my sanity and tried to just enjoy my life and be there for my family. It got to the point where I couldn’t really stand to read the Bible anymore because all I started to get from it was “You suck, you’re a worthless sinner, you need God and the blood of Jesus to be remotely good or have any value, you’re completely inadequate, btw you suck lol.” I’ve gotten so tired of the self hate and lack of any worth apart from God. 

Truthfully, I have done some pretty awful and reprehensible things in my life, but I’ve just gotten tired of completely and abysmally hating myself for it. I am human, we do fucked up and bad things sometimes. Good people with good hearts do bad things sometimes, because we are human. Do I deserve to be smited from existence forever for it? Maybe, but I’m starting to think that’s a little extreme and unfair. I started rejecting modern American Christianity and fundamentalism, and upon looking more into the Bible and the history of it, the Church and Christianity as a whole as well as some science, it’s shaken my entire faith to the core and I don’t rightly think I can believe it anymore. I’ve been deeply depressed, angry, on the verge of crying (I probably will soon just still kind of aloof/in disbelief about it all.) I’ve been shaking with anxiety and worry. I am incredibly stressed.

I can’t keep doing the mental gymnastics and cognitive dissonance it takes to defend or justify the slaying of children and infants, multiple times. I just can’t. Especially now that I am a father with two baby boys. They are completely innocent. I cannot fathom a God that loves these boys even more than I do would ever command us to murder them, regardless of their race or nationality. It would have been more merciful and loving to have just instantly smited them Himself, but instead He commands humans to slice them up with swords? Then, later, the author goes so far as to say it would make you HAPPY to beat your enemy’s infants heads against the rocks? 

I can’t justify God commanding/allowing David’s wives/concubines to be publicly raped to punish DAVID? In what world is it just, merciful or loving to have someone’s woman/s raped to prove a point to them? When they had nothing to do with David’s crimes? I can’t imagine they happily consented to being screwed in broad daylight in front of their entire nation. And He killed their firstborn son, again punishing someone innocent for the crimes of someone else? And the baby didn’t even just die, they suffered for a week first? Allowing an innocent baby to die a slow and tortuous death just to prove a point to David? 

God killing 70,000 people just because David took a census? 

Endorsed slavery/servitude, granted they still had some rights but still. The whole “you can beat them within an inch of their life, just don’t kill them” thing? What?

Job. Enough said. 

I’ve been researching and there is just an abundant amount of evidence that the Bible is completely fabricated and invented by man. 

Hordes of contradictions. Not just small ones or things that could be chalked up as just “seen from different angles,” but straight up irreconcilable contradictions. I read an article listing and citing 50 contradictions and that barely scratches the surface.

The more I look at it the more it seems that God conveniently matches the mentality of the people of the times, especially the men. He endorsed and allowed the belittlement and dehumanization of women to being property despite them supposedly being His beloved daughters? There’s numerous times in the Bible of God using women and children as nothing more than expendable tools to teach a man a lesson. When they are very much unique and human beings with their own personalities. “Made in the image of God and wholly loved,” for what, to be used as fodder? 

I can’t get behind the silly and detached apologetics. The potter and clay argument is nothing short of morbid and incredibly depressing. Are we tools or beloved children? 
Many of the messianic prophecies appear to not even really be prophecies but random lines and song lyrics pulled out of context. The Gospels and the supposed fulfilled prophecies in them feel totally contrived and like huge stretches. 

Paul explicitly states that we should all be in agreement and unity as believers, and there is ANYTHING but that in Christians and Christianity, even within the same denominations. This really poked a hole in my faith. Nobody can agree on hardly anything, even things considered core and foundational or “the most important.” Further on that, Jesus Himself said “Anyone who is not against us is for us,” yet nearly every Church denomination is completely elitist, and balks at ecumenism. 

The total hypocrisy in the vast majority of Christians, including myself. The Catholic history of torturing and killing people in the worst ways over disagreements in teachings and over wanting to translate and share the Bible with people. The absurdness of the Church, dogma and creed histories. My mother (she used to be a lot better, more “on fire” but has gotten worse) who says she is a Christian is an abusive, manipulative gaslighting drunk. My wife and kids and I have had to live with her for the last almost 2 years because we lost our apartment. All of us, my dad and 16 year old brother included are all beaten down and mostly unhappy because of her. There have been many nights of drunken screaming and us screaming back, sometimes even leading to physical violence from both sides. All the while she claims Jesus. “God knows my heart.” Which, if He’s real is true, but still. 

The entire belief system seems rooted in fear, manipulation, guilt and shame, and a negative and self deprecating view of humility. Which, if we are made in God’s image and loved beyond conceivable measure, would He really want us to have such an overwhelmingly negative self image? Would He want us to abhor and hate ourselves? That in of itself almost seems like false humility and a form of pride, in a way. But above all the worst of it is the fear and guilt, and it comes off as entirely manipulative, predatory and abusive especially in most Churches. I agree when I’ve seen some people say that these highly negative ideas of ourselves and self-image make it much harder if not impossible to actually, truly improve as people. Another thing that would keep us trapped in an abusive cycle. Not to mention how CONTROLLING it all is, in every aspect of your life. Why would God need to be so utterly controlling? Why would the God of the universe who is supposedly perfectly and infinitely loving need to micromanage everything? Is that really God or is it the spirit and mindset of the religious Pharisees? The religious zealots of today?

On top of all that, it all just really seems like wishful thinking. “Too good to be true.” When I was a full on believer I came up with the phrase “Too good to NOT be true!” Haha. Well… I don’t know. 
“We’ll see all of our loved ones and family again!”
“We’ll live forever and ever without any pain, death or suffering!”

It really does honestly kind of just feel like cope and wishful thinking for the hardships of life. Forced positivity, lack of genuinely handling and dealing with emotions. Trying to conform and fit into a tiny, inhuman box. 

All in all, I’m tired of the goofy and unsatisfying apologetics, I’m tired of the pressure, tired of the mental gymnastics and appeal to ignorance. I’m tired of the self-hate and guilt. I’m tired of all of it. 

And the saddest thing for me is, if I do end up fully deconverting and not believing in Jesus anymore, it’s not Hell that I’m scared of, though I’d be lying if I said the idea of it didn’t scare me at all. The saddest thing for me is if I deconvert, stop believing, and He does turn out to be real, and if He really is all loving and really did love me enough to take that cross for me, I don’t want to miss out on that love. I want that love. I really truly have loved Jesus and I hate that I am so gravely doubting to the point of deconversion and unbelief. I hate that it appears to be questionable that He is good or even real. What if He is real and telling the truth and I miss out on an eternity of perfect love all because I stopped believing? If He is perfectly loving and understanding I hope that He would have mercy on me if so. 

Thanks to anyone who read all of this and anyone who offers advice or help.

I feel backed into a corner and I do not know what to do, what to think, what to feel or what to believe. I simply do not think it is intellectually honest for me to keep the faith anymore despite my heart wanting to, and I can’t let emotions and my feelings dictate my life/belief system, I want what is true even if it means I don’t have an infinitely loving, perfect Heavenly Father watching out for me and caring for me. I hate the idea of the void and of me being alone, but it is what it is. This is going to be a pretty long read so sorry for that in advance. Also sorry if it is written erratically and hard to read.

Some background. 
I was raised Christian in a Christian household, midwest USA, non-denom, not too extreme like evangelicals, I was allowed to watch Spongebob and play video games and watch things like Star Wars. Wasn’t allowed to play shooters or M rated games until I was around 15/16 though, but honestly that isn’t terrible parenting. However I was made to go to Church, and I was taught to love Jesus and to not stray from Him from a very young age and to trust the Bible, and I suppose that must have something to do with how I look at it and the comfort I had as a child from being told how loved by God I was and how special I was in His eyes. From what I remember they weren’t super adamant about Hell and demons when I was young, thank GOD because that probably would have me even more traumatized and scared than I am now. I already have OCD, anxiety and depression, and I am pretty certain Autism+ADHD, though they never took me to be formally evaluated and it’s hard to get that done now as an adult, but the evidence for it is abundant since childhood. They are antivax, mostly anti-medicine but not entirely, and Trump supporters. My Dad has admitted Trump is a bad person and that he doesn’t like him personally at least, he just thinks he is a good President. My mom however does like him personally, and she was abusive and cruel to me throughout my childhood, mostly my teenage adolescent years, but that’s a whole other can of worms. 

I stopped believing in God/Jesus when I was around 14-15, a bit after my Grandpa who I was close to died and my mom became far more abusive because of her inability to handle and process the grief. I got addicted to porn and hentai when I was 10 but the sudden pain in my life from the death and abuse led me to completely dive into it to escape and it became an awful addiction and bad coping mechanism that I still struggle with. I went from about 15 to 21, maybe 22? not believing. (I am 23 now.) In that time I listened to nihilistic death metal, anti Christian music, had a lot of sex with multiple partners/girlfriends, and from 17-21ish got into drugs. Smoked a TON of weed, got drunk, was addicted to abusing Adderall for a time, spent a few years off and on doing cocaine. Did some Xanax, lots of magic mushrooms and LSD, all that jazz. I eventually got tired of psychedelics after a few bad trips, and eventually cocaine made me too anxious to be enjoyable even with alcohol. I lost access to Adderall but that was good. I had psychosis after an acid trip and was in the psych ward for just shy of a month, and still having the psychotic symptoms after being let out for at least another month or two-ish.  After my first son was born I did cocaine once, maybe twice? But then decided I wanted to be completely done with it both for myself, my wife and our son. 

I quit everything except weed and alcohol and you couldn’t pay me to be within 100 feet of cocaine ever again. I won’t touch intense psychedelics anymore either and hardly smoke weed at all anymore, and when I do it's usually a vape pen that is very low on THC and almost entirely CBD. I quit all weed entirely for two and a half months after our second son was born and since then I haven’t liked it the same. Now I just take a few puffs off the mostly CBD pen sometimes and have a couple beers after work or whatever. I don’t get drunk/disorderly anymore and don’t like the feeling of it or being too high anymore. Having two kids kicked in my dad instincts and I decided I wanted to do and be better for them and for my wife who I was unfaithful to for a while before I decided I loved her and them more than that. 

Many factors led me to seeking God/Jesus again after years of unbelief, and I was absolutely certain that He had come to me and made me born again one night when I was listening to Bible audio with soft gentle music in a desperate attempt to reach out. I was so certain, that I changed my entire life for it/Him. I’ve had other experiences like that before and after then (usually involving music), but now I am starting to wonder if it was my own head chemicals making me believe what I wanted to believe because I was so desperate and alone and wanted that supposed unconditional love that I heard so much about. And I wanted to do and be better but didn’t believe I could do it on my own. 

It’s been almost 2 years since then, and during those 2 years I loved Jesus tremendously. I told people about Him, drew many art pieces depicting Him, listened to worship music, read and listened to the Bible and many sermons. I even lost some friends over it, granted it was probably because I was being a religious zealot, I got caught in a pharisee/legalistic mindset for a stint because I was a baby Christian and impressionable and you know how AWFUL social media is about that especially with the Evangelicals. Thankfully I realized that was wrong and wanted to focus more on the love, compassion and kindness of Jesus. Still, I struggled greatly with religious OCD and performance anxiety. I was constantly worrying and examining every thought, feeling and desire obsessively. Felt guilty to spend a moment on myself or my hobbies. Constantly being caught up in legalism even though I knew that wasn’t right and kept trying to ignore/rebuke that. Felt like a monster every time I relapsed to pornography. All of that combined with trying to find the right theology was beyond overwhelming because of what I believed was at stake, eternal salvation or permanent death. (I believed in ECT at first but the more I felt I was getting to know God and studied I realized that if He is real thankfully that more than likely isn’t true. Hell is almost certainly just death, blotted out from existence.) 

Eventually it all just became so ridiculously confusing and overwhelming for me that I started getting over the whole thing. My beliefs were making me an anxious, nervous wreck, not only for myself but for everyone else and my loved ones, and I wasn’t much feeling that peace of God most of the time or the supposed light and easy yoke and burden. It got better when I got off of Christian social media with their absurd legalism, performativeness and rigidity. But I have still been plagued with the thoughts of how I’m a worthless, evil, wretched sinner that didn’t deserve to be pissed on if I was on fire, and frankly I’m tired of thinking of myself and others that way, it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting to the point of just wanting to be dead, and I just can’t look at other people that way and think that they and I deserve to die just for being human. 

I took a step back from Bible and prayer and all of that stuff for a bit for the sake of my sanity and tried to just enjoy my life and be there for my family. It got to the point where I couldn’t really stand to read the Bible anymore because all I started to get from it was “You suck, you’re a worthless sinner, you need God and the blood of Jesus to be remotely good or have any value, you’re completely inadequate, btw you suck lol.” I’ve gotten so tired of the self hate and lack of any worth apart from God. 

Truthfully, I have done some pretty awful and reprehensible things in my life, but I’ve just gotten tired of completely and abysmally hating myself for it. I am human, we do fucked up and bad things sometimes. Good people with good hearts do bad things sometimes, because we are human. Do I deserve to be smited from existence forever for it? Maybe, but I’m starting to think that’s a little extreme and unfair. I started rejecting modern American Christianity and fundamentalism, and upon looking more into the Bible and the history of it, the Church and Christianity as a whole as well as some science, it’s shaken my entire faith to the core and I don’t rightly think I can believe it anymore. I’ve been deeply depressed, angry, on the verge of crying (I probably will soon just still kind of aloof/in disbelief about it all.) I’ve been shaking with anxiety and worry. I am incredibly stressed.

I can’t keep doing the mental gymnastics and cognitive dissonance it takes to defend or justify the slaying of children and infants, multiple times. I just can’t. Especially now that I am a father with two baby boys. They are completely innocent. I cannot fathom a God that loves these boys even more than I do would ever command us to murder them, regardless of their race or nationality. It would have been more merciful and loving to have just instantly smited them Himself, but instead He commands humans to slice them up with swords? Then, later, the author goes so far as to say it would make you HAPPY to beat your enemy’s infants heads against the rocks? 

I can’t justify God commanding/allowing David’s wives/concubines to be publicly raped to punish DAVID? In what world is it just, merciful or loving to have someone’s woman/s raped to prove a point to them? When they had nothing to do with David’s crimes? I can’t imagine they happily consented to being screwed in broad daylight in front of their entire nation. And He killed their firstborn son, again punishing someone innocent for the crimes of someone else? And the baby didn’t even just die, they suffered for a week first? Allowing an innocent baby to die a slow and tortuous death just to prove a point to David? 

God killing 70,000 people just because David took a census? 

Endorsed slavery/servitude, granted they still had some rights but still. The whole “you can beat them within an inch of their life, just don’t kill them” thing? What?

Job. Enough said. 

I’ve been researching and there is just an abundant amount of evidence that the Bible is completely fabricated and invented by man. 

Hordes of contradictions. Not just small ones or things that could be chalked up as just “seen from different angles,” but straight up irreconcilable contradictions. I read an article listing and citing 50 contradictions and that barely scratches the surface.

The more I look at it the more it seems that God conveniently matches the mentality of the people of the times, especially the men. He endorsed and allowed the belittlement and dehumanization of women to being property despite them supposedly being His beloved daughters? There’s numerous times in the Bible of God using women and children as nothing more than expendable tools to teach a man a lesson. When they are very much unique and human beings with their own personalities. “Made in the image of God and wholly loved,” for what, to be used as fodder? 

I can’t get behind the silly and detached apologetics. The potter and clay argument is nothing short of morbid and incredibly depressing. Are we tools or beloved children? 
Many of the messianic prophecies appear to not even really be prophecies but random lines and song lyrics pulled out of context. The Gospels and the supposed fulfilled prophecies in them feel totally contrived and like huge stretches. 

Paul explicitly states that we should all be in agreement and unity as believers, and there is ANYTHING but that in Christians and Christianity, even within the same denominations. This really poked a hole in my faith. Nobody can agree on hardly anything, even things considered core and foundational or “the most important.” Further on that, Jesus Himself said “Anyone who is not against us is for us,” yet nearly every Church denomination is completely elitist, and balks at ecumenism. 

The total hypocrisy in the vast majority of Christians, including myself. The Catholic history of torturing and killing people in the worst ways over disagreements in teachings and over wanting to translate and share the Bible with people. The absurdness of the Church, dogma and creed histories. My mother (she used to be a lot better, more “on fire” but has gotten worse) who says she is a Christian is an abusive, manipulative gaslighting drunk. My wife and kids and I have had to live with her for the last almost 2 years because we lost our apartment. All of us, my dad and 16 year old brother included are all beaten down and mostly unhappy because of her. There have been many nights of drunken screaming and us screaming back, sometimes even leading to physical violence from both sides. All the while she claims Jesus. “God knows my heart.” Which, if He’s real is true, but still. 

The entire belief system seems rooted in fear, manipulation, guilt and shame, and a negative and self deprecating view of humility. Which, if we are made in God’s image and loved beyond conceivable measure, would He really want us to have such an overwhelmingly negative self image? Would He want us to abhor and hate ourselves? That in of itself almost seems like false humility and a form of pride, in a way. But above all the worst of it is the fear and guilt, and it comes off as entirely manipulative, predatory and abusive especially in most Churches. I agree when I’ve seen some people say that these highly negative ideas of ourselves and self-image make it much harder if not impossible to actually, truly improve as people. Another thing that would keep us trapped in an abusive cycle. Not to mention how CONTROLLING it all is, in every aspect of your life. Why would God need to be so utterly controlling? Why would the God of the universe who is supposedly perfectly and infinitely loving need to micromanage everything? Is that really God or is it the spirit and mindset of the religious Pharisees? The religious zealots of today?

On top of all that, it all just really seems like wishful thinking. “Too good to be true.” When I was a full on believer I came up with the phrase “Too good to NOT be true!” Haha. Well… I don’t know. 
“We’ll see all of our loved ones and family again!”
“We’ll live forever and ever without any pain, death or suffering!”

It really does honestly kind of just feel like cope and wishful thinking for the hardships of life. Forced positivity, lack of genuinely handling and dealing with emotions. Trying to conform and fit into a tiny, inhuman box. 

All in all, I’m tired of the goofy and unsatisfying apologetics, I’m tired of the pressure, tired of the mental gymnastics and appeal to ignorance. I’m tired of the self-hate and guilt. I’m tired of all of it. 

And the saddest thing for me is, if I do end up fully deconverting and not believing in Jesus anymore, it’s not Hell that I’m scared of, though I’d be lying if I said the idea of it didn’t scare me at all. The saddest thing for me is if I deconvert, stop believing, and He does turn out to be real, and if He really is all loving and really did love me enough to take that cross for me, I don’t want to miss out on that love. I want that love. I really truly have loved Jesus and I hate that I am so gravely doubting to the point of deconversion and unbelief. I hate that it appears to be questionable that He is good or even real. What if He is real and telling the truth and I miss out on an eternity of perfect love all because I stopped believing? If He is perfectly loving and understanding I hope that He would have mercy on me if so. 

Thanks to anyone who read all of this and anyone who offers advice or help.